A change in a set routine is as good as a marriage 1/1
Leonard McCoy reacted best to routine. He had to-do lists. He compartmentalised in order to act professionally at all times.
But that did not to mean that he didn’t experience disorder and chaos from time to time. He did. A lot. Especially since he’d met Jim Kirk. In fact, especially a lot since he met Jim Kirk.
But for the most part, he liked to keep to a certain routine.
Every morning Leonard would go to the mess hall early enough to enjoy his breakfast in relative quiet. He would then read the news on his PADD while drinking his second cup of coffee. Every first Wednesday of the month (earth time) Leonard read Starfleet Monthly. He enjoyed it. And it was all part of his routine.
After one year, three months, seventeen days and six and a half hours into their five year mission Leonard was sitting at a table in the mess hall, reading the Starfleet Monthly while drinking his coffee. Where he would, yet again, experience how Jim Kirk was able to create chaos and disorder in Leonard’s life without even trying.
He was almost done with his reading when he browsed the Newly Weds-page. He didn’t usually linger on those pages. He couldn’t give a dang who married who. To him, marriage was an adventure. Like going into war. And he did not particularly wish to repeat it.
He would not have lingered on those pages that specific day either but a name caught his attention. A name he was very familiar with.
Captain James Tiberius Kirk…
Leonard looked up from his PADD for a moment, a frown settling between his eyes, before he looked back down.
“What the…”
He took a sip of coffee while reading the rest of the small article. And promptly spat it out and dropped the cup to spill the rest of the very hot coffee on his lap.
“FUCKING HELL!!!” He shouted loud enough to startle the two other early risers in the hall. He jumped up and without even bothering to clean his pants he ran out of the hall.
He needed to have a conversation with a certain captain.
--
Jim was having a very good dream. A talented mouth was giving him the blowjob from heaven and he was that close to release when he was rudely awakened by a very pissed off doctor. A very dangerously pissed off doctor.
“What the fuck is this!!!!??” Bones shouted at him. Really loudly. He thrust a PADD in Jim’s hand. Embarrassingly, Jim had to reach over to his nightstand for his reading glasses before he could make out anything on the screen. He started reading out loud then.
“Captain James Tiberius Kirk recently married his long time friend and CMO, Leo…nard… What the fuck?!!”
“That’s what I said!!” Bones was still shouting. Which Jim found quite unnecessary when he stood right next to him.
Jim squinted up at Bones, all messy bed-hair, glasses, still sleepy expression, morning wood… wait, what??
Suddenly Jim felt very much aware of the fact that he only had on a pair of boxers. Between them and the sheets he was finding it difficult to cover his still very present arousal.
“Uhm, Bones? Can we discuss this a bit later? I am st…”
“NO! No. Jim, I am not married to you! I’m not. No way. Get dressed. We need to sort this out. Now.” Bones was standing next to Jim’s bed with his arms crossed over his chest.
“God, Bones, will it be that bad to be married to me?” Jim was finding it quite hurtful that Bones was so adverse to the idea. Suddenly Bones sat down on the bed and basically moved into Jim’s personal space. Jim grabbed the sheets and pulled them up until they touched his chin.
“What are you doing, Bones?”
“Do you know what happens when people working on the same ship get married?” Bones asked in a soft, growly voice.
“Uhm, no?”
“They get moved into the same quarters. They have to share bathrooms, beds, living rooms. They work the same shifts. Have meals together. Get shore leave together. Breathe the same air. Sometimes even share socks.”
As Bones said this he moved closer and closer to Jim. Jim moved backwards until his back hit the headboard of his bed. When Bones didn’t stop moving or listing everything that they would be doing together Jim smacked him upside the head.
“Snap out of it, Bones!”
Bones looked startled for a moment. Then even angrier than before.
“Do you not get what I’m saying, JIM!”
“YES I DO!! For God’s sake man, get a hold of yourself. I’ll sort it out. Okay? Just chillax and before you know it, you’ll be a single man again.”
“You’ll sort it out? For real?” Bones asked a bit unsurely.
“Yes.”
“How do you plan on doing that?” Bones didn’t trust Jim as far as he could throw him. Loved him to bits, maybe even too much. But trust? That was whole different thing all together.
“I’m Captain James T Kirk, savvy?” Jim wiggled his eyebrows after that. “Now, leave please. I’ve got things to do.”
“What?”
“What, what? What do you mean what?”
“What do you have to do?”
“Well, for starters, I’d like to take care of my morning erection. Then I’d like to have a piss and…”
“Okay, okay. I get it. I’m going.”
And with that Bones got up from the bed and left Jim’s quarters.
Jim sighed heavily. He did not know how he was suddenly listed as married to Bones. But quite frankly he kinda liked the idea. It was just too bad that Bones didn’t.
Before he could think more on the subject his bedroom door opened and Bones walked in again. Jim didn’t have time to say anything before Bones started talking.
“So I was thinking. Maybe, considering we’re married and all, it wouldn’t be so bad, you know. I mean, it wouldn’t be morally wrong. Or maybe it would be. But I don’t… No, it was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have… Or is it that bad. What do you think, Jim?”
Jim looked at Bones with his mouth hanging open and the sheets still tightly clutched under his chin.
“I’m sure I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, pay attention won’t you! I was saying, since we’re married and all now, that it won’t be so bad.”
“What won’t be so bad?”
“God, you’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?”
“Say what?” Jim really didn’t have a clue what Bones was talking about.
“Thatitwon’tbesobadifwehavesexyouknow?”
Jim’s mouth was still hanging open and his eyes looked glazed over. He did catch the word sex in there, but he wanted to make sure he understood it in context. Before he spoke he shook his head to clear it a bit.
“Say that again. Slowly, this time.”
Bones sighed loudly and raked his hand through his hair. This was turning out to be one of the worst unplanned, chaotic mornings he’d had in like, forever.
“I’m sayin’ that maybe it won’t be so bad if we had sex.”
“…”
“Jim?”
“Okay.”
“Look, I can understand how it’s a bad idea, but really if you think… what did you just say?”
“Okay. Let’s have sex.”
“Really?”
“Really, really.”
“Well, now.” Bones pulled at he hem of his shirt and pressed the toe of his boot into the ground. “Okay. Great. Let’s have sex.”
“Great! Let’s have sex.”
Bones looked over at Jim with wide eyes.
“What? You mean like, now?”
“You know what they say, Bones. No time like the present. Get your ass over here.”
“Uhm, okay.” Bones was still pulling at some strands of his hair while he walked over to Jim’s bed.
Jim pushed the sheets down and when Bones got close enough he pulled the man onto his lap.
“Oh, jeez. You weren’t kidding about the morning wood, were you?”
“Nope.”
Jim was smiling up at Bones before he reached for Bones’ face and started kissing him. Passionately.
Bones moaned into the kiss then he pulled his face away.
“I may throw up on you.”
He quickly got off of Jim’s lap and moved a couple of steps away from him. “Please go and brush your teeth. There is abso-fucking-lutely no way I’m doing this with your breath smelling like that.”
Jim frowned while cupping his hands over his mouth and nose and blowing into it.
“Yeah, you may have a point.” He got up quickly, boxers tenting appropriately, and went to the bathroom.
When he got back he didn’t have the boxers on. Bones turned around from where he was studying a holo-photo.
“Jesus, Jim. Warn a guy won’t you.” He slapped one of his hands over his eyes and grinded his teeth together.
“Oh, honestly, Bones. I’m naked. It’s not like you’ve never seen me naked before.”
“Yeah, naked I’ve seen you. Naked and aroused? Not so much.” Bones said, his hand still covering his eyes.
Bones dropped his hand when he felt Jim’s arms sneaking around his waist.
“Hi.” Jim said in a supposedly seductive voice.
“Hey.” Bones frowned. “Why are we greeting each other?”
“We’re not.”
“No?”
“No. I’m seducing you.”
“You are?”
“Yes. Is it working?”
Bones pushed Jim back a bit to glance down at his pants. It was still wet from the coffee he spilled earlier but was bulging in a very prominent way.
“Apparently,” he answered.
Jim smiled broadly before kissing Bones again. This time Bones moaned in a very appreciative way.
--
Leonard was slightly annoyed.
No, scratch that. He was fucking livid!!!!
Some fucking imbecile at Starfleet Administration decided it would be fun if they accidentally, officially, married him and Jim without their knowledge. And that’s not the bad part. Leonard knew how to handle imbeciles. Just take Jim for example. He was probably the king of imbeciles and Leonard got along with him just fine.
What really rattled Leonard’s cage was the fact that the only way they could sort this mess out was to get a divorce. But then, according to Starfleet’s rules and regulations one of them would have to transfer to another ship.
Now, as much as Leonard enjoyed muttering and groaning about Jim’s idiocy and tendency to get himself almost-killed, he did like the little bugger. A lot. And he enjoyed working on the Enterprise even if he had to take medication for his aviophobia. Every goddamn day.
He did not want to leave the ship. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay married to Jim either. He was scared that it might ruin their friendship if they had to constantly be together. Add to that the fact that they’ve had sex… well… Leonard was feeling more than just a little awkward about the situation.
He was sitting at his desk in his office drinking coffee. He was just taking a sip when the object of his thoughts came waltzing into the room. Jim made himself at home in one of Leonard’s chairs and stared at him, unblinking.
Leonard’s mouth was still open and the cup was touching his bottom lip. And he stared right back at Jim. After a moment he realised how ridiculous he had to look. He put the cup down and shut his mouth. Then he folded his hands neatly in his lap and continued to stare at Jim. He could do this. He could beat Jim at the age old staring game.
Really.
He could.
He’d done it before.
*blink*
Fuck.
“What, Jim?”
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
“Have not.”
“Have too.”
“Have not.”
“Too.”
“Not.”
“Too.”
“N… Stop it.”
Jim smirked at Leonard. He knew exactly how to push Bones’ buttons and he planned on pushing every single one until he got some answers from the man.
“Why have you been avoiding me?” Jim was persistent. In fact, stubborn was really his second name.
“When’s the last time you had a physical?” Bones tried desperately to change the subject.
“Bones. Answer my question.”
“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Riiiiight. If you don’t answer my question I’ll get Chapel to…”
“Fine, for fuck’s sake.”
Jim’s smirk only widened. Bones sighed loudly before continuing.
“Fine. What are we gonna do about our situation?”
“Aaah, so it’s about that then.”
“Yes, Jim. It’s about that. I don’t really want to leave this ship. I don’t really want to work under another Captain.”
“Then don’t.”
“How the hell am I supposed to do that? Huh? It’s in Starfleet’s regulations that if we get divorced one of us will have to transfer. And we both know I’m gonna be the one of us.”
“You don’t have to transfer, Bones.”
Bones looked at Jim in disbelief.
“I don’t?”
“No. We’re not getting divorced.”
Bones frowned at that. Then shook his head. He laughed in a decidedly not so cheerful manner.
“Really, Jim. Of all the stupid ideas you’ve ever had, this one just…”
“I’m in love with you.”
“…takes the cake. You’re what?”
“In love with you.”
“Are you mental?”
Jim then got up from his chair and walked around the desk to stand next to Bones. All the while Bones never took his eyes off Jim. Jim turned Bones’ chair so that they were facing each other. He got down on his knees in front of Bones.
“Jim, what’re you…”
Jim took one of Bones’ hands in his and kissed his knuckles.
“Leonard McCoy. Bones. Will you marry me?”
“We’re already married you halfwit.”
Jim’s mouth twitched into a grin then.
“Yes, I’m aware of that. But I never got to ask you the big Q.”
“We’ve never even been an item. Why would you want to marry me?? Why would anyone want to marry me? I’m cranky, grouchy and bad tempered ALL the time. I never stop frowning. I snore. Sometimes I smell. I don’t wear colour matched socks. I like routines. I have to-do lists. I cuss worse than a sailor. I’ll steal your food if you don’t eat it fast enough. I have a drinking problem over weekends and I …”
“And I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you, Bones. Have been for the longest time now. And I’m not some lady that you need to act all gentlemanly around ALL the time. Really, Bones. It’s me. Jim. I swear all the time too. Sometimes I wear my underwear for more than two days. Sometimes I skip showers. I enjoy pissing you off. I love pinching your nose when you snore too loud so that you’ll slap yourself in the face while sleeping. I’ll probably sometimes even wear your socks…”
Bones raised one of his eyebrows.
“How is that supposed to convince me?”
Jim laughed at that.
“Oh, Bones. That’s why I love you so much.”
Bones looked thoughtfully at Jim for a moment. Then very slowly the one side of his mouth turned upwards. Then just as slowly, the other side as well. He nodded his head up and down.
“Under normal circumstances people only go senile after 40. I must be a special case.”
“Does that mean you’ll marry me?”
“No.”
“No? Come on, Booooones.”
“It means I’ll stay married to you, you twat. Now get your skinny arse up here so that I can kiss you.”
Jim jumped up and punched his fist in the air.
“YES!!!!!”
And then they kissed.
And after that day routines, to-do lists and order were words that Bones hardly ever used again.
THE END