Victoria Wood, the Ballad of Barry and Freda - next-door neighbour POV, 384lost_spookMay 13 2016, 21:04:31 UTC
This is one of those things it's probably impossible to do justice to, but I couldn't resist. (Also I may be unfairly maligning the 1980s Woman's Weekly.)
***
“You don’t half look awful, Ivy,” said Lola, waiting halfway along the bus queue, as her friend joined her. “You feeling all right?”
Ivy drew in her breath, seizing the chance for a long complaint. “Couldn’t get a wink last night what with the racket the neighbours were making.”
“Oh, no, not again. What was it this time?”
Ivy shook her head. “Don’t ask me. All I heard was someone screaming about the angle of the wardrobe and the Woman’s Weekly.”
“Well, it has gone downhill lately. The Woman’s Weekly, I mean. Used to get really nice little stories in it. Knitting patterns and that. Now it’s all celebs and face jobs and ‘I married an axe murderer from Outer Space, see page 5 for my heart-rending true story.’”
“Might have been something about having a cardio as well. I thought, I’m not surprised if she goes on like that. I’d have one too.”
“Dreadful.” Lola sucked in her breath.
“And right in the middle of Gardener’s Question Time, would you believe? Well, Ivy, you know I’m not one to complain, but there are limits. That’s the third time this year and it’s only April. So, I put down my tea and went round there to give them a piece of my mind.”
“What did they say about that?”
Ivy paused in remembrance of the moment. “It was him that opened the door. White and shaking and all out of breath, like someone’d been after him to run the Marathon. Not surprising, mind, after all that shouting and banging.”
“Makes you wonder what she’d been doing to him.”
“I don’t know, but he just looked at me and said, ‘Oh, thank God. The cavalry’s arrived.’ Still, that seemed to settle it. Everything went quiet after that and I thought I might be able to get to bed early. Of course, that was when it happened.” Ivy’s voice took on an ominous note.
“What?”
“Their living room ceiling fell in. Had them turning up at the door like refugees. She wanted to know, did I have any avocado, while he was busy going on about how he’d told her there were things about the house needed doing and now look what had happened.”
Lola shook her head.
“That’s not the worst of it, though.”
“No, give over.”
Ivy braced herself for the worst. “She was wearing her coat, but I got a glimpse of what was underneath.”
“Oh?”
“Stilettos and an oven glove,” Ivy said, shuddering again at the memory.
***
“You don’t half look awful, Ivy,” said Lola, waiting halfway along the bus queue, as her friend joined her. “You feeling all right?”
Ivy drew in her breath, seizing the chance for a long complaint. “Couldn’t get a wink last night what with the racket the neighbours were making.”
“Oh, no, not again. What was it this time?”
Ivy shook her head. “Don’t ask me. All I heard was someone screaming about the angle of the wardrobe and the Woman’s Weekly.”
“Well, it has gone downhill lately. The Woman’s Weekly, I mean. Used to get really nice little stories in it. Knitting patterns and that. Now it’s all celebs and face jobs and ‘I married an axe murderer from Outer Space, see page 5 for my heart-rending true story.’”
“Might have been something about having a cardio as well. I thought, I’m not surprised if she goes on like that. I’d have one too.”
“Dreadful.” Lola sucked in her breath.
“And right in the middle of Gardener’s Question Time, would you believe? Well, Ivy, you know I’m not one to complain, but there are limits. That’s the third time this year and it’s only April. So, I put down my tea and went round there to give them a piece of my mind.”
“What did they say about that?”
Ivy paused in remembrance of the moment. “It was him that opened the door. White and shaking and all out of breath, like someone’d been after him to run the Marathon. Not surprising, mind, after all that shouting and banging.”
“Makes you wonder what she’d been doing to him.”
“I don’t know, but he just looked at me and said, ‘Oh, thank God. The cavalry’s arrived.’ Still, that seemed to settle it. Everything went quiet after that and I thought I might be able to get to bed early. Of course, that was when it happened.” Ivy’s voice took on an ominous note.
“What?”
“Their living room ceiling fell in. Had them turning up at the door like refugees. She wanted to know, did I have any avocado, while he was busy going on about how he’d told her there were things about the house needed doing and now look what had happened.”
Lola shook her head.
“That’s not the worst of it, though.”
“No, give over.”
Ivy braced herself for the worst. “She was wearing her coat, but I got a glimpse of what was underneath.”
“Oh?”
“Stilettos and an oven glove,” Ivy said, shuddering again at the memory.
“Never!”
“If it happens again,” said Ivy. “I’m moving.”
***
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