Carmine, 1/??, Uruha/Aoi
Title: Carmine
Author: losseflame
Chapters: 1/??
Genre: Humor, drama, romance, crack-ish, AU, High School...slight angst
Warnings: Cross-dressing, language, suggestive material
Rating: PG-13 [will go up]
Pairings/Characters: Uruha/Aoi, Uruha/Miko [exist trace], more to come...coughReitukicough
Synopsis: Funny thing about straight men: they only like women. This could cause a slight hitch in Aoi's brilliant make-Uruha-his-soulmate plan. Therefore there's only one solution: Aoi must become a woman. ish. 7-Eleven sells falsies right?
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I don’t claim copyright over ‘Easy A’ or its trailer. It ain’t mine. My brain solely watched it and vomited out inspiration afterwards. And the Gazette belong only to themselves. And perhaps to each other, but that’s an argument for another day.
Comments: New chapter fic! Basically all of PSC's harem will be here, with special guests making cameos~ Enjoy! ♥
***
“This is a horrible idea. A terrible idea.” Ruki frowned, whispering furiously as he tottered after a mildly tipsy Aoi on his expensive Jimmy Choos, damnit.
“It’s not if we’re not caught, my darling lovely sexpot Ruki-chaaaan.” Aoi smiled coquettishly. “Sideways, we’re doing this in the following of logicalness.” Ruki twitched. Why did Aoi insist on being so irritating? With his goddamn leather pants and his stupid shoes and his brainless school girl crush with his imbecilic plan, and how the fuck would slashing Uruha’s girlfriend’s tires help Aoi move into Uruha’s pants?
“Where the fucking fuck is the logic in this, you phallic-brained drunkard? Uruha is straight. He is the captain of the fucking soccer team. If he catches us slashing Miko’s tires - which, by the way, I did not agree to fucking help you with this, so why the fuck am I here? - he’ll have an entire team of testosterone fuelled, unintelligent, primitive, caveman buffoons who want nothing more than to one-up each other to sic upon us, and the next thing you know, they’ll be collecting our motherfucking remains out from underneath the foundations of Uruha’s 50 billion yen mansion!” Ruki stamped his foot, and he was cold, goddamnit, because all he had on was his new Anna Sui outfit, and as fabulous as they were, they weren’t very insulating. The skirt barely covered his ass, for fuck’s sake!
Aoi spun around and stopped, placing his hands on Ruki’s shoulders. Aoi shuffled forwards as fast as he could in his painted on pants (Ruki told him to get the size up, because yes, his posterior looked good anyway, and didn’t he want to be able to walk normally? As usual, Ruki was ignored.) until his nose was about a millimetre away from Ruki’s.
“The logic, kitten, is that A) Uruha isn’t straight because I say he isn’t B) we’re soulmates because I declared it so C) Uruha is only attracted to Miko because of her car, so if I screw it up, Uruha will break up with her and we’ll have our fantastic-type finding each other moment and he’ll love me forever and ever and I’ll have his adopted African babies. THERE is your logic, you logic-obsessed…logic thing.” Ruki cringed at the ‘kitten’, the memory of another voice calling him that in an entirely different manner flashing to the front of his mind. It doesn’t matter, don’t think about it, you don’t care at all, do you, Ruki? No you don’t.
Ruki could smell the wine coolers on Aoi’s breath. He sighed, resigning himself to the fact that Aoi was going to this whether or not Ruki was there, and the least Ruki could do was make sure the rich Neanderthals of popularity didn’t feed Aoi’s intoxicated ass through a wood chipper if they found him. Which they probably would. Subtlety was not one of Aoi’s strong points.
.:.:.:.
“Um…Ruki, how do you slash a tire?”
Ruki inwardly cursed whatever higher power decided that making Aoi his BFFL or whatever you call that one guy you want to strangle every day and yet end up hugging them instead. He cursed them vehemently and angrily and tugged his skirt down again, because his panties were probably showing. Considering he was crouched near a tire looking at what appeared to be an idiotic hooker poking at inch thick rubber with a goddamn red sparkly penknife as vocaloid poured from the castle-house in front of them.
Yes, Ruki supposed that was a prime habitat for panty shots.
Motherfucking Aoi.
“I don’t know how to slash a motherfucking tire, because I’ve never tried to slash a motherfucking tire, because I’ve never NEEDED TO SLASH A MOTHERFUCKING TIRE UNTIL I MET YOU.” Ruki frowned and slapped Aoi over the head. And then he did it again for good measure.
Aoi fell over.
Ruki sighed and grabbed the penknife out of Aoi’s hands and he struggled to right himself.
“Aoi, if this tire gets slashed, will we be able to either enter the party or leave? The whole creeping around the parking lot just doesn’t do it for me.”
Aoi nodded.
Ruki lifted the penknife above his head and prepared to destroy his flawless reputation (to himself) as the only one of his friends with intelligence.
.:.:.:.
Uruha wondered if the couple outside really expected him not to notice what appeared to be a Ru Paul-esque tranny and a male stripper crouched by the side of Miko’s car. After all, it’s not as if they were being conspicuous, considering the fact that they resembled a two man gay pride parade.
They seemed to be bickering, and all of a sudden, the tranny - Uruha was 90% sure he was Ruki, his high school’s resident crossdresser - lifted up his hands and slapped the stripper - Aoi, the raging bitch half the male population avoided for fear of castration and spray-painted dicks on their cars should their romance go awry - over the head. Aoi cowered, curling into the side of the car. Ruki paused, seemed to think something over, and slapped him again.
Uruha snorted with laughter as Aoi disappeared from view, most likely falling over.
“What’re you laughing at, babe?” Miko sidled up next to him, sliding her hands around his waist and resting her head against his shoulder. Uruha turned his head towards her, kissing her forhead.
“I’m watching a gay pride parade beat each other up while crouching next to your car.”
Miko raised her eyebrows. “Hmmm.” She peered out the window and faced him again. “Well then, why don’t we invite them in?”
Uruha felt a rise of stubbornness. Miko saw and raised one eyebrow, creating a menacing visage. “Uruha, one: discriminating people because of their orientation or because they scare you is mean and immature, two: it’s the nice thing to do, inviting them to the party, three: no, I’m not worried about what they’re doing to my car, they’re probably just looking at it because it cost more that their houses combined, and four: if there’s a chance they’re going to make out, I want them within viewing range.” She smiled and headed towards the door, towing him behind her.
…Uruha felt kind of violated, knowing that his girlfriend liked seeing members of his sexual category make out.
.:.:.:.
“Fuck. Fucking fuckery fuck goddamnit FUCK.”
“Ruki, I’m thinking that’s only a minor understatement.”
Ruki just should have strangled Aoi in his sleep when he had the chance. He stared in horror at the tire in front of him.
The tire that just happened to have a red sparkly penknife embedded in it, not unlike Excalibur and the Stone it Screwed.
The penknife that currently wouldn’t remove itself, no matter how hard the numbskull that convinced Ruki to come here pulled at it.
…Ruki had never more so wanted a gun to shoot things.
Preferably heads.
Heads covered in long black hair.
“I fucking hate you, Aoi, and as soon as I have the chance I’m going to shove needles underneath your nails and use tacks to spike your tongue to the roof of your mouth and rip open your stomach and hang you from the school roof with your intestines. And everyone will see your ugly bloated maggot infested corpse and no one will be able to remember you as sexy or good looking and you shall go down in history as ‘that hideous thing Kamijo found’.” Ruki, to accentuate his point, began beating Aoi viciously over the head.
Aoi cowered and began promising things like Uruha and his first-adopted son and Aoi’s liver and even Aoi’s new expensive O.P.I nail polish that Tyra totally wore on her latest episode if Ruki would just please not kill him.
Ruki paused for a moment at the offer of the nail polish, because Tyra really did look two steps from fantastic in that episode, as Miyavi took pains to point out.
And then Ruki decided that Aoi’s pain was worth more.
Ruki froze with widening eyes as he heard the approach of the couple that had pretty much started this all.
The couple that were currently approaching the Excalibur-tire and the suspicious scene of Ruki smothering Aoi’s face with Ruki’s purse.
Oh, fuckery.
***
A/N: Ohohoho! Yeah, I’ve had this in my head for awhile, and now It’s actually in the making. I hope you all enjoy! (and comments are my crack, in case anyone’s noticed yet)