my hands are dry
so i am very bored right now. today is halloween - one of the best yearly celebrations ever! and i am sick with some sort of bug that turns my tummy inside out. even when there is nothing to turn! that sort of weird feeling, confusion, head heavy illness that's really not too heavy but still not light enough for you to go about normal activities while it's stirring all inside.
this BLOWS. im just sitting here watching an american wereworlf in london and reading anna karenina. now those things are right and fine. i love them both but halloween should be more than an 868 page book and taking naps on the bathroom floor. october was one of my greatest months. i could feel it from the very first day. that was when all these changes were oh so noticeable. october was my time for craving wine and going out to run around mazes and monsters - all of them knowing faye and faye remembering every last one. tipsy late night walks on little dirt paths with trees and more trees everywhere. the kinda paths that woulda been dusty with dirt kicking up around your ankles constantly as you moved but since the cold was settling in now the ground was solid and not moving much. unless you dug your toes in and brought up little earth cakes. first rain of the year usually happens. long drives. lots of music. horror movies all month long. the night comes sooner. which is good for those shy and half naked trees, most of their branches lopped right off. but there are still the big thick limbs left with all the little pink and cream colored leaves that fall down dead into tiny mounds scattered over my tiny lawn. and i dont dare go near them much knowing how those disgusting big-butt yellow spiders seem to always crawl out of there right on ya. ugh. it's most comfortably chilly and did i mention the wine? i never ever EVER drink wine or desire to drink wine. the smell of it makes my skin really crawl. kinda funny since that's a consequence of one of my many past october days. but wine? not any other month will i crave it sooooo terribly. always october now. all through october. at some point every single day there will be a very clear thought and a sort of physical awareness that both acknowledge this unusual bit of thirst for the stuff.
BUT not one drop. the same scary movie. a big-butt yellow spider crawling up my inner thigh. too much fog so the night is like being stuck inside an orange city bubble. no mazes or monsters. not many drives with my car getting on poorly like it is. i havent seen a dirt path since hiking to see dead sunflowers with david and adam. so no yellow shoes earth caked all around the heel and toe. no fascinating lively people and adventures. no conversation had that i havent just felt like laughing at or maybe crying about. not to say everything is so extreme like that. it just mean that they all are so unimpressionable that i have only been compelled to take note of any when they incite those sorts of things. and it's not really like im overlooking something that could be so great. really if i put myself out with old friends more and more and more i might get a little something but im not gonna do that. old friends. handfuls of them just seem to have gotten wishy washy with the trends.
it's like the spirit of october got simultaneously sucked up the noses of a bundle of kids who will bitch at you about how "fun times can be had without any sort of alcohol or drugs! come on let's hang out!" and then waste YOUR TIME that you allowed them to convince you giving up for them by forcing the whole duration of your "hang out" to be spent looking for a score of anything- save the last fifteen minutes of it where the failure of the night is felt just sitting around in YOUR car until you take them home. "hey it was fun sucks about me not getting my blah blah blah. we should hang out soon i'll call you" that kinda trend. i just notice something in people im not so close with but friends enough. acquaintances. pals. my little old lunch buddy darlings. close friends as well actually.
nothing new just new from them. or maybe it's not new from them it just is drawing more attention now being said a bit more boldly with all that. the whole level of caring is just altered immensely. so the person. the people seem changed in the wrong direction. and yea it happens. im just saying hey it matters cus all this autumn spirit im talkin about only seems to have existed out of the many sorts of interactions with people. these people. well some. yes a portion does come out of times even when it's just myself and those big half naked trees but alot of the places and odd hours of the night just dont have IT without those people so this change and my change (i havent quite worked out the details of that, changing little things big things as often as i do)matters.
up the noses i say! and not disbanded by the growths of our character!
by their delay really.
personally been feeling off and less
and on this last day of whats been just an average month those feelings get no better as i stay at home to read and watch movies. i think i will eat certain sorts of candy with the hope of producing a sort of rainbow of fun when getting sick instead of all this spiritless, colorless, burning sort of cookie tossing that leaves me so unsettled now that i cant sit like i usually do and get over it. you know, come up with the thought of "so things didnt feel like you're used to and didnt go to expectations. but things change and you know that. for example: you're a whole lot lazier this year yea? sure you are. you've been like a little bear in hibernation and i bet that has alot to do with your disappointment. so knowing that let's just really not care and move on to something else. let's have a good ol' time involuntarily ousting all that bile and button candy! cus you got no choice about any of it 'cept for the sweets"
uh yea lets. throw in some ginger ale and cigarettes and by ten tonight i'll be able to give my so long for now to good old october and start getting excited about takeout and floor dining in an empty house in november.
this BLOWS. im just sitting here watching an american wereworlf in london and reading anna karenina. now those things are right and fine. i love them both but halloween should be more than an 868 page book and taking naps on the bathroom floor. october was one of my greatest months. i could feel it from the very first day. that was when all these changes were oh so noticeable. october was my time for craving wine and going out to run around mazes and monsters - all of them knowing faye and faye remembering every last one. tipsy late night walks on little dirt paths with trees and more trees everywhere. the kinda paths that woulda been dusty with dirt kicking up around your ankles constantly as you moved but since the cold was settling in now the ground was solid and not moving much. unless you dug your toes in and brought up little earth cakes. first rain of the year usually happens. long drives. lots of music. horror movies all month long. the night comes sooner. which is good for those shy and half naked trees, most of their branches lopped right off. but there are still the big thick limbs left with all the little pink and cream colored leaves that fall down dead into tiny mounds scattered over my tiny lawn. and i dont dare go near them much knowing how those disgusting big-butt yellow spiders seem to always crawl out of there right on ya. ugh. it's most comfortably chilly and did i mention the wine? i never ever EVER drink wine or desire to drink wine. the smell of it makes my skin really crawl. kinda funny since that's a consequence of one of my many past october days. but wine? not any other month will i crave it sooooo terribly. always october now. all through october. at some point every single day there will be a very clear thought and a sort of physical awareness that both acknowledge this unusual bit of thirst for the stuff.
BUT not one drop. the same scary movie. a big-butt yellow spider crawling up my inner thigh. too much fog so the night is like being stuck inside an orange city bubble. no mazes or monsters. not many drives with my car getting on poorly like it is. i havent seen a dirt path since hiking to see dead sunflowers with david and adam. so no yellow shoes earth caked all around the heel and toe. no fascinating lively people and adventures. no conversation had that i havent just felt like laughing at or maybe crying about. not to say everything is so extreme like that. it just mean that they all are so unimpressionable that i have only been compelled to take note of any when they incite those sorts of things. and it's not really like im overlooking something that could be so great. really if i put myself out with old friends more and more and more i might get a little something but im not gonna do that. old friends. handfuls of them just seem to have gotten wishy washy with the trends.
it's like the spirit of october got simultaneously sucked up the noses of a bundle of kids who will bitch at you about how "fun times can be had without any sort of alcohol or drugs! come on let's hang out!" and then waste YOUR TIME that you allowed them to convince you giving up for them by forcing the whole duration of your "hang out" to be spent looking for a score of anything- save the last fifteen minutes of it where the failure of the night is felt just sitting around in YOUR car until you take them home. "hey it was fun sucks about me not getting my blah blah blah. we should hang out soon i'll call you" that kinda trend. i just notice something in people im not so close with but friends enough. acquaintances. pals. my little old lunch buddy darlings. close friends as well actually.
nothing new just new from them. or maybe it's not new from them it just is drawing more attention now being said a bit more boldly with all that. the whole level of caring is just altered immensely. so the person. the people seem changed in the wrong direction. and yea it happens. im just saying hey it matters cus all this autumn spirit im talkin about only seems to have existed out of the many sorts of interactions with people. these people. well some. yes a portion does come out of times even when it's just myself and those big half naked trees but alot of the places and odd hours of the night just dont have IT without those people so this change and my change (i havent quite worked out the details of that, changing little things big things as often as i do)matters.
up the noses i say! and not disbanded by the growths of our character!
by their delay really.
personally been feeling off and less
and on this last day of whats been just an average month those feelings get no better as i stay at home to read and watch movies. i think i will eat certain sorts of candy with the hope of producing a sort of rainbow of fun when getting sick instead of all this spiritless, colorless, burning sort of cookie tossing that leaves me so unsettled now that i cant sit like i usually do and get over it. you know, come up with the thought of "so things didnt feel like you're used to and didnt go to expectations. but things change and you know that. for example: you're a whole lot lazier this year yea? sure you are. you've been like a little bear in hibernation and i bet that has alot to do with your disappointment. so knowing that let's just really not care and move on to something else. let's have a good ol' time involuntarily ousting all that bile and button candy! cus you got no choice about any of it 'cept for the sweets"
uh yea lets. throw in some ginger ale and cigarettes and by ten tonight i'll be able to give my so long for now to good old october and start getting excited about takeout and floor dining in an empty house in november.