So tired of being misunderstood
So these past two weeks have been..well, to say the least, uninteresting. I feel like there is a pit in my stomach, so hollow that I can't breathe. I feel like I'm drowning, suffocating in a mass hole. I honestly feel like I should be in an asylum. What gives me the right to walk around this earth thinking that I can go about not having close friends, family, or even aquaintances. What is going on with me right now?
Here are a list of a few things that have been bothering me:
College is draining me to hell
I really don't have true, everlasting friends
People misunderstanding me my whole life
Needing and trying to make a life for myself
My Fiance' isn't who I thought he was
First, college is amazing. But with these summer classes, I'm worried that I made a huge mistake as to even taking them in the first place. My math teacher is a great teacher, but all around the biggest bitch I have ever met. Thanks to her I've gotten so much better at math, but when I do work problems of about 10 pages, and NONE of it gets graded due to me not having 1 simple paper you 'apparently' sent out to us through e-mail, you automatically give me an F. Are you serious? I busted my ass to do this work and in turn you tell me, "Well, since you didn't do that one specific problem set, I'm just going to give you a 0 on your hard work." I'm just sick of the bullshit and hope to pass the EXIT exam and not have to retake this class in Winter. Fall Semester..may you PLEASE HURRY THE FUCK UP?!
Friends..such a tricky thing, and a touchy subject for me. My whole life I've always wanted to be accepted, to be needed, but I am too fucking nice and get thrown in a garbage. No, no recycling for me cause once the friendship is over, it's fucking over. I'm going to tie this into people misunderstanding me. I have a friend, that I never thought we'd get so close, but she DOESN'T UNDERSTAND A FUCKING THING I SAY. She has a horrible habit of seeing it from the OTHER person's side; the person that is pissing me off with their antics, aka my fiance'. When she said she was trying to see it from his side, that's when it hit me, why bother trying to make people understand you and see it from your side, when it all makes sense in your head? It goes to show that my whole life, no one understands me or where I'm coming from as a person. Therefore, no one knows me at all. I am a stranger to them, and forever and always will be. Where this makes the friendship end, because some people just don't like to have me around, and fucking ASSUME that I'm busy doing something else and don't even try to hang out with me or see if I'm alive. When I'm dead, they won't even know I died after 2 years of not speaking.
Making a life for myself is slowing evolving. I am so happy that I put my guitar and my microphone on layaway so that when it comes down to it, my words of what I am feeling through my music, I can belt it out through the microphone and guitar. I just want to travel the world already and get a move on with things. Hence why I can't wait for Fall classes cause they are all have something to do with my music career.
Now to my Fiance'. He just came out to me as a bisexual man. In the past I had dated a bisexual man and said I would never do it again. It's the worst and the hardest thing to do. So 7 YEARS my fiance' never told me he was bisexual, so I took him for a straight male. Which I prefer, I love the SHIT out of gay, lesbian,transgender and bisexual people. Hell I have questioned myself on multiple occasions if I am bisexual myself. But now he has come out to me, and I don't know what to think or what to feel. Rage,anger,self conscious, fear, you name it, I got it. Right now I am trying to see how I feel. It's taking me the past 2 days since then to let it register, and I did say that if he was bisexual, I would break up with him. Right now my feelings for him are on this weird,well, let's just say they've disappeared since then. I feel like I was in love with a lie, the thought of perfection. Maybe in due time my feeling for him will come back, because he is the same person, nothing has changed about him, but why do I think he's full on homosexual? I don't know why, but not only do I have to worry about 1 sex, I have to worry about the other! Fuck me!
Well here it is..everything that I've been feeling poured out. I don't know if I feel better or worse. Who knows. But all I know is that I have to catch this bus in the next 20 mins.
Here are a list of a few things that have been bothering me:
College is draining me to hell
I really don't have true, everlasting friends
People misunderstanding me my whole life
Needing and trying to make a life for myself
My Fiance' isn't who I thought he was
First, college is amazing. But with these summer classes, I'm worried that I made a huge mistake as to even taking them in the first place. My math teacher is a great teacher, but all around the biggest bitch I have ever met. Thanks to her I've gotten so much better at math, but when I do work problems of about 10 pages, and NONE of it gets graded due to me not having 1 simple paper you 'apparently' sent out to us through e-mail, you automatically give me an F. Are you serious? I busted my ass to do this work and in turn you tell me, "Well, since you didn't do that one specific problem set, I'm just going to give you a 0 on your hard work." I'm just sick of the bullshit and hope to pass the EXIT exam and not have to retake this class in Winter. Fall Semester..may you PLEASE HURRY THE FUCK UP?!
Friends..such a tricky thing, and a touchy subject for me. My whole life I've always wanted to be accepted, to be needed, but I am too fucking nice and get thrown in a garbage. No, no recycling for me cause once the friendship is over, it's fucking over. I'm going to tie this into people misunderstanding me. I have a friend, that I never thought we'd get so close, but she DOESN'T UNDERSTAND A FUCKING THING I SAY. She has a horrible habit of seeing it from the OTHER person's side; the person that is pissing me off with their antics, aka my fiance'. When she said she was trying to see it from his side, that's when it hit me, why bother trying to make people understand you and see it from your side, when it all makes sense in your head? It goes to show that my whole life, no one understands me or where I'm coming from as a person. Therefore, no one knows me at all. I am a stranger to them, and forever and always will be. Where this makes the friendship end, because some people just don't like to have me around, and fucking ASSUME that I'm busy doing something else and don't even try to hang out with me or see if I'm alive. When I'm dead, they won't even know I died after 2 years of not speaking.
Making a life for myself is slowing evolving. I am so happy that I put my guitar and my microphone on layaway so that when it comes down to it, my words of what I am feeling through my music, I can belt it out through the microphone and guitar. I just want to travel the world already and get a move on with things. Hence why I can't wait for Fall classes cause they are all have something to do with my music career.
Now to my Fiance'. He just came out to me as a bisexual man. In the past I had dated a bisexual man and said I would never do it again. It's the worst and the hardest thing to do. So 7 YEARS my fiance' never told me he was bisexual, so I took him for a straight male. Which I prefer, I love the SHIT out of gay, lesbian,transgender and bisexual people. Hell I have questioned myself on multiple occasions if I am bisexual myself. But now he has come out to me, and I don't know what to think or what to feel. Rage,anger,self conscious, fear, you name it, I got it. Right now I am trying to see how I feel. It's taking me the past 2 days since then to let it register, and I did say that if he was bisexual, I would break up with him. Right now my feelings for him are on this weird,well, let's just say they've disappeared since then. I feel like I was in love with a lie, the thought of perfection. Maybe in due time my feeling for him will come back, because he is the same person, nothing has changed about him, but why do I think he's full on homosexual? I don't know why, but not only do I have to worry about 1 sex, I have to worry about the other! Fuck me!
Well here it is..everything that I've been feeling poured out. I don't know if I feel better or worse. Who knows. But all I know is that I have to catch this bus in the next 20 mins.