Mono sucks...bad
Well, I haven't updated in a while. As you may or may not notice, I don't get to use the internet often, so my time is often spent not doing things such as updating LiveJournal, etc. Don't be fooled though, I do love me some LJ. Anyway, Florida was fun. I suppose lately I've just been learning a lot about myself and the people around me. It's just funny, I dunno. I go on this awesome trip to Florida, and I come back, and sorta realized how many people that I considered my friends, good friends, at that, that either really don't care about me, or are more concerned with their own well-being. And don't get me wrong, being concerned with your own well-being is very important, but I just feel like these people don't care anymore. It's not that I don't care about them, but, I just do not feel any sort of connection to them whatsoever. I just feel like, if I fell off the face of the earth, these people would not care. And this is how I feel, truly, honestly, so I don't care, I'm going to use names, and hopefully I'll offend someone, offend someone enough to speak up, and be honest, and not be "afraid" to "be a pussy" and "talk about how they feel". Man, if you can't express your feelings to another human being, what can you do? To me, that's one of the more basic things in life. You gotta be honest with those who you consider close to you. But maybe I'm just out of it, and I consider them friends, while they don't consider me a friend, cause that's certainly what it seems like. I mean, take Garvey for example. I love the kid to death, but he never has anything positive to say. I really do think he's an amazing kid, and him and John are by far the two most intelligent people I know. But I just feel like he only calls me to hang out when it would benefit him in some way - ie party, or I'm with someone he wants to hang out with. Tim, who is probably my best guy friend, I just feel really disconnected from him. I dunno, he's the most original person I know, I guess I just expected more, maybe. Maybe I expected too much, you tell me. It just bothers me these people I see every day haven't even called once to see whether I've died or not. And Tim, my best friend, when I called him to tell him something, he didn't even ask how I was doing, or if I was okay. And that just kinda bothers me. Last time Tim was out of school for ONE day, I called him to make sure he was alright. Brandon, I don't even know what his deal is anymore. We all used to be so close in Middle School, and now he's just very closed off, very secretive, and he spends all his time with Heather. Not that there's anything wrong with Heather but I mean, he couldn't NOT see her for the night of Jim's 18th birthday? 18 is a big one, I cancelled plans to LAN at Jims. I mean, I know Lanning gets old after a while, but it's not a matter of the LAN, it's a birthday party. I used to be close with Heather too, and I don't really know what happened with that. Great girl, we just don't talk, and it saddens me. Erica and Ariana, however, are completely different stories. For whatever reasons, they hate me. Neither of them will really admit it, but who can't spot a fake from a mile away? Which is not to say that I'm exempt in this. I have been fake back to them, but I just don't want to start an all out war. I'd rather hate someone than be fake to them. Atleast you know it's upfront and honest. And for the record, I have tried to keep my distance, but, I dunno. I don't know what the deal with that is. It just sucks, you know? All these people that I used to consider my best friends, I feel like they don't know me, and they don't really care about me either. They only look out for themselves, and that's just sad to me, because I love what all these people were, I just kinda feel like they're not the same anymore. Jaded holograms of what they used to be. Maybe part of it is me. Maybe I've completely changed. And I can't tell that, you know? WHo am I to say that I have or haven't changed? You can never tell something like that. We all would like to think we haven't changed, but I'm sure we all have in some way. I used to love going down to the park to talk and hang out. But now, it just seems like we don't have ANYTHING to talk about. So it's, "Let's smoke." or "Let's Drink." Which is fine every once in a while. I like my partying, but I just feel like they feel, or some of them feel that they can't go on without partying. And it just saddens me, really. It feels like I'm just dancing with the skeletons of what they once were. So that's that. Anyone I commented about, I hope my words and opinions make you feel compelled to comment. Cause I want things to be good, and fun. I want to love all of you, I just, I don't feel loved by ANY of you anymore. And it hurts. None of those words were said to hurt anyone, moreso to prod you in to being honest back to me, because I'm sick of this rut I feel we're stuck in. Also, anyone who just wants to comment in general on what was said, feel free to do so. I also realized a lot about myself when I was down in Florida. Hah, mainly that I'm very vulgar, and that a lot of the things I find ridiculously funny, other don't, quite frankly. So, while that sucks for me, I will make a conscious effort to be more polite, and I am sorry for offending anyone. I do not, however, apologize for taking a certain picture on someone's camera-equipped cell phone, as that was ridiculously funny, no matter how you take it. And to the comment their mother made - If those are small, I could not conceive what your measurement for large is. And as for gross...it's a matter of opinion, but I thought they were quite nice cause I just shaved them. Those are my words. Comment, don't comment, I don't care, I just want people to know how I truly feel about them. All the pople I wrote about, I truly love you, and I want us to all be best friends again. It sucks things are like this. I'm not blaming either party for the way things are, just hoping that maybe we can figure this out, atleast on my end.
Much love,
Mat
Much love,
Mat