Empty With You [1/1]
Title: Empty With You
Author: alovelyvampire
Pairing: AkuRoku
Rating: Let's say T.
POV: Third
Summary: Roxas and Axel were always destined to be together, from the first time Xemnas mentioned Sora's Nobody.
Disclaimer: This story is a work of transformative fiction, such being defined as a work which incorporates characters and situations which have been created by other authors/artists. No infringement of copyright is intended and no profit is being made from the creation or dissemination of this work. Kingdom Hearts is owned and copyrighted by both Disney and Square Enix. It was used in respect and admiration of the work. Empty Without You is a song by The Used, and it's lyrics were used, again, in admiration for the work.
Author Notes: THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. 358/2 Days does not exist in this fanfic. None at all whatsoever, as I have not played the game nor seen the cutscenes yet. THIS MEANS THAT DETAILS WILL BE WRONG. Yes, I know. Shameful. But it's the truth. KHI exists, and so does KHII...but other than that, nope.
Beta: The wonderfully amazing bubblegum_miley, who deserves all of your love and sugary treats.
Spoilers: Spoilers for KHII...but I think that's it. And even those are minor spoilers XD
Warnings: Implied sex and mild language. But this was a considerably clean fic.
Axel blinked as he stared at the blank, white walls surrounding him. Geez, it’s like nobody around here has heard of color,, he thought sarcastically to himself. If you had asked him when he was Lea if white could be depressing, he might have laughed at you before rolling his eyes and walking away. But now, Axel knew better. White was as depressing as you could get. Even more so than black.
Sighing, he turned away from the intricately carved walls to look at whoever had decided to interrupt what little bit of peace he had. “The Superior!” Axel gave a mock bow. “How ever so pleasant to be in your presence. How may I help you?”
“Axel.” Xemnas’ voice was cold, as always. “I have a rather delicate job for you. We have located the Nobody of Sora.”
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“Hey, Blondie!”
“Leave me alone, Axel!” Roxas’ eyes were a sharp blue, like ice, piercing into Axel -- who never really liked ice anyway. But he merely shrugged it off and laughed at the younger Nobody, walking up to him and throwing an arm over his shoulder. “Here, I'll give you the real Grand Tour of the castle. Not the prettied-up-one that Xemnas gave you.”
Whisking the smaller one off, Axel showed him all the best parts of the castle -- where Marluxia grew his weed (something Axel claimed was a fun thing to steal -- but never to smoke, or he’d know you stole it), where Larxene spent her time when she was mad (a place Roxas had full intentions to avoid at all costs), Luxord’s favorite room to hold a game of strip poker, and other miscellaneous things that Axel thought were important -- and Roxas could see why. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Axel loved bugging people, particularly because he didn’t take his arm off of Roxas the entire time. Not that Roxas complained. He was feeling a real connection with the fiery redhead, a connection he hadn’t felt with anyone, as far as he could remember.
“So, that was the castle. I’ve just wasted an hour of your time and mine. How great is that?" Axel smirked as the blonde stuck out his tongue. “Cheer up, Roxie. This place isn’t so bad once you get used to it. And if you don’t wanna get used to it, then you go up to my room. Lemme show you!” And Roxas once again found himself being dragged to one of the upper parts of the castle, to where Xemnas said the latter seven numbers resided. He found himself being pulled toward a door -- which one? They all looked the same! -- and immediately immersed in a room of red, black, and the ever-present white.
“Whadaya think?” Axel held his chin up proudly at his…”masterpiece”. It looked like he had literally taken a few buckets of paint, soaked a paintbrush in it, and thrown the paint all over the walls. Which is, of course, exactly what he had done. “Demyx found the paint when we went on a mission to Wonderland… the cards were using it to paint on symbols and whatnot. We figured they didn’t need hundreds of buckets, so we… permanently borrowed some. No biggie, right? Besides, it adds some of my own pizzazz to the room. I mean, I’m not really a pure-white person, ya know?” Axel looked at Roxas, who hadn’t snorted, who hadn’t coughed obscenely, or anything that would imply sarcasm. He had been completely silent, and though Axel had known the boy for about two hours, he knew already that silence was very uncommon for the boy. What he saw made him smile, though. A real smile. One that hadn’t seen the light of day since Lea turned into Axel-- and awhile before that, as well.
Roxas was looking around the room with wide eyes, an almost dumbstruck expression on his face. He walked over and touched one of the black splatters, a slight smile forming on his face. “Red and black…” He turned to Axel, his grin growing. “Yeah, I’ll be spending a lot of time in here. The white is already so mundane…”
And him and Axel shared a laugh, the first one of many.
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Axel and Roxas grew close to each other within the coming months, and they cemented their friendship by water-balloon bombing Demyx as he walked out of the library, after attempting to show off to Zexion for the who’s-even-counting-anymore-th time. The musician took it well enough, but he put on quite a show, scaring Roxas and deeply amusing Axel. And the two quickly found the more time they spent together, the more they never wanted to leave each other's side. And the more they never wanted to leave, the more everyone noticed that they had grown a closer bond than most people would in an organization of Nobodies. And though everybody knew this, no one knew just how close the two became.
“Axel! You’re crazy!” Roxas laughed as he stumbled into the entrance hall with the redhead, out of breath and completely soaked. “I can’t believe you almost lost a chakram to a Heartless!”
“Oh, honey,” Axel elaborated, draping himself over Roxas, “You know I’m more careful than that.” A devilish grin later, he had the blonde in his arms and was walking through a Corridor of Darkness. “Come, we were on guard duty in the wet for far too long. And my Roxie needs to stay warm if he’s gonna get any taller…” He received a whap on the head for his comment, but Roxas didn’t struggle. He felt like he didn’t have to anymore.
As Axel started a shower for the both of them, Roxas leaned against the cool tile of the countertop, eyeing the older man with a peculiar look on his face-- one of apprehension mixed with wonder. “Axel…do you remember when you got turned into a Nobody?”
Axel shrugged and pulled Roxas into the small cubicle with him. “Nope. Not a thing.” And as he held his lover close and started kissing every bit of his face and neck, Roxas could’ve swore he saw a lying look in his eye. Roxas didn’t believe him for one second. But he let Axel have his secrets.
After all, Roxas was sure he could worm answers out of him later.
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Roxas felt as though he knew Axel better than anybody--and he was probably right. But that didn’t mean it didn’t scare him to death when he saw Axel viciously destroying one of the many sturdy bushes surrounding the castle (and, inside his mind, he knew that Marluxia would throw a fit later).
Axel was throwing his chakrams at the bush repeatedly, but he did it with a certain kind of relish, as though the shrubbery had personally offended him, and he was determined to get revenge. Roxas found himself running up to his… "boyfriend” and grabbing his arms. Upon feeling the extra weight, Axel spun, his eyes full of a wildness Roxas hadn’t seen before, and quite honestly, it scared him. But the look was gone in an instant, and Axel smiled and dropped his prized chakrams in favor of giving his lover a hug. “Hey, Roxie-baby, what’s up?”
“What’s up?” Roxas wasn’t sure what he was more upset about--Axel so obviously stressing over something, or his new nickname. “Erm, I just saw you destroying one of Marluxia’s bushes. One, he’s going to be pissed at you once he gets a glance at that thing, and two, you’re freaking out over something. And I wanna know what.” He could feel Axel sigh, and he knew that a denial was coming up. So he cut it off before it could even start. “And don’t even give me any of that ‘Nothing’s wrong’ bullshit. I won’t take it.” He looked into Axel’s eyes, knowing his own were hardened with resolve. “C’mon, Axel, tell me what’s wrong.”
“Roxas…” The blonde didn’t miss the use of his actual name--and it scared him. “It really isn’t that big of a deal. Just had a flashback from being Lea. Needed a stress outlet…and Marluxia owes me, anyway, so it was a win-win situation.” His easy smile tried to reassure Roxas… but it didn’t do a very good job, he noticed, as the smaller Nobody glared up at him.
“That’s a shit answer, Axel.”
“I know, Roxie-baby, but it’s the answer I’ve got for ya.” Finally releasing his lover, Axel picked up his chakrams and started walking towards the castle. “C’mon, let’s get outta here before Marly comes back… I don’t think he’ll be too pleased about this being his favor owed.” The characteristic smirk was widening across his face, all thoughts of his flashback forgotten. “Or, better yet... maybe we can blame it on Larxene or something… maybe even Xaldin or Lexaeus. Yeah. Lexaeus. That’d work... he’s always angry about something…” As Axel schemed, Roxas listened, not really concentrating on his boyfriend’s words. He was concentrating more on the way Axel clenched his fists on the precious pieces of circular metal in his hands. It was too tight to be a “careful” grip. Roxas didn’t like it at all.
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There was something in the way Roxas looked at Axel lately that scared him. He figured it had something to do with the fact that he’d been a Nobody for about three months, and Axel knew full-well that’s when he really started to feel it.
The emptiness. Sure, for a while, not feeling was great. You stopped worrying about emotional pain, you did things for the fun of doing them, and you didn’t feel it when your pride got hit so much. Still a little bit on Axel’s case, but he knew Roxas was never as obsessed over his image as the redhead was. So he had that gut feeling that Roxas was starting to die in the emptiness.
So it didn’t overly surprise Axel when Roxas came into his room a wild look in his eyes, and a blank look on his face. “Axel… why can’t I feel?” The poor boy looked like he would cry, if he could.
“It’s the whole not having a heart thing. That’s why everyone glares at me when I throw my arm around your neck. They think that I’m bluffing just a bit much.” A small shrug. “Which I might be. But, hey, who knows? I’m an impulsive kinda person. It’s just what I do.”
“But... do you always feel... so much nothing?” Roxas collapsed on the bed next to Axel, who automatically took him into his arms.
“Yeah, love, ya do. It’s part of being a Nobody. We don’t really exist, remember? Didn’t Xemnas tell you everything?” Roxas nodded a little. “See? We’re just bodies now, Roxas. Minds and souls. Our hearts are long gone.” Axel smiled a little, though. “But that’s okay, Roxie. I mean, you’ve still got me. I know what you’re going through.” He squeezed the smaller boy tighter. “I'm right here, empty with you.”
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A month later, and Roxas had calmed down enough to begin to accept his lack of emotion. Not that he really had a choice. He was either going to accept it, or go crazy for not. Since Roxas was a pretty rational person, he chose the latter option, and life went back to…”normal”, if there was such a thing as normal in a society of Nobodies, especially when Axel was involved. Which he usually was.
The particular scene that Roxas picked out as the most “normal” day since he fell into a panic involved a few of Zexion’s precious books (that he had placed just inside the door of his library earlier that week, claiming they were horrid books, and should be destroyed of immediately. Everybody knew he was lying through his teeth-- Zexion cared more for all books than he did anything else. Even people), a clear twilight, and quite a bit of fire.
Axel decided he and Roxas were going to have a book burning, “To let Zexion know that if he really wants something destroyed, we can do it quite efficiently.” And when Axel got that look in his eyes, Roxas went along with it. Always. Because he feared for his life if he didn’t.
“So, let’s see…” Axel’s face was gently lit in the waning light, his red hair appearing slightly less bright than usual, because everything around him was bathed in orange. “We’ve got the books, we’ve got some concrete so we won’t make Marluxia mad and burn all his grass, we’ve got the fire…” He looked at Roxas expectantly. “What else do we need?”
“Um… someone to say something important?” Roxas shrugged. “I don’t know, I’m not a professional at burning things.”
“Well, most fortunately for you, I am.” The devilish smirk was back, and the redhead held a bit of flame in his hand above the books. “And I say we don’t need anything else.”
Dropping the small ball of fire on the books, Roxas felt his smile grow as the heat reached his face. He’d never been around a… campfire-type-thing before, and found the flames were quite comforting. Sure, he was around fire quite a bit with Axel, but then it was vicious, a weapon as much as his keyblades were. Now, it was something to be treasured, a welcoming and happy gesture.
As Roxas started to get comfortable, they heard an outraged scream come from the castle. A nanosecond later, Zexion came barreling out of a Corridor, as enraged as a Nobody could be.
“What are you doing?” Swiftly grabbing one of the books and putting out the flames with his gloves (everybody was given fire-resistant clothing after Axel showed up, and waterproof after Demyx), all the while glaring at Axel. “What have you done?” He scooped up the other two and repeated the procedure, continuing to shoot eye-daggers at the redhead, who was having trouble stopping laughing.
“Zexion, I thought you said you didn’t want them anymore? I was only helping you destroy them!!” Axel’s eyes were barely visible, he was smiling so hard.
“You nimrod, they’re books! No person, no matter how idiotic, could over look the fact that these pages are the very existence of knowledge, and should never be truly destroyed! Axel, you imbecile!” And with that, still fuming, Zexion disappeared into darkness.
And Axel continued to laugh. “I love messing with that kid. I mean, did you get a load of some of those titles? They were pointless!!” A deep throated chuckle. “He’s fine without them. We all are.”
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Somewhere around the six-month mark (of Roxas being in the Organization, of course), Roxas started to notice that Axel spent a considerable amount of time alone. Normally this wouldn’t bother him (because he wasn’t that protective of his boyfriend), but when Axel came back from wherever he was, he looked dead-tired, complete with circles under his eyes. When Roxas asked him about it, he claimed that Xemnas hated him, and had sent him on yet another “pointless mission. I could do without ‘em, Roxie-baby. Especially if it meant I gotta spend more time with you.” And Roxas would forget about it, because Axel’s smile was so convincing.
But this stuff had been going on for two weeks. And Axel was coming back more and more tired every time. And Roxas was trying really hard not to be such a protective boyfriend, but… he really couldn’t help it now.
So when Axel came back one night, Roxas stood in his doorway, not allowing him to come in. “Hey, Roxie…what’s up?” Axel pretended not to catch on at first, and instead gave his boyfriend a hug, which he grudgingly returned. “What are you doing standing here? You know, I’ve got a bed that hasn’t been used lately…”
“Axel.” Roxas stopped that train before Axel could really get going. “Where are you going? And why do you look so dead when you come back?”
“Um…” Axel looked really uncomfortable. “Would you believe me if I told you I was having wild sex?” The disapproving look was all Axel needed. “Guess not…well, see, my flashbacks have started up again. So, you know…I’ve just kinda been stress-relieving myself. Nothing major.”
“But…” Roxas looked so defeated. “What are your flashbacks about?” He took a couple steps away from his boyfriend, to be able to look him full in the face.
“Roxas…” Axel looked at him with haunting eyes. The kind of eyes that held many secrets--secrets that didn’t want to be told. “Roxas, I’m not going to tell you. You can imagine a hundred different situations, and a thousand confessions that I might have…but you’re not gonna find a single one, Roxie. I can’t tell you… it’s a part of my life that I don’t wanna go back to. Besides,” Axel moved to hug him again, but Roxas backed up some more. “Why would I want to go back when all I have ever wanted is here with me? I have the image of perfection right in front of me--why would I want to think about dark times? It seems rather irrelevant, Roxie-baby.” A smile, then a sigh. “That’s why I beat up things, too. It’s to escape those awful memories…but I never really escape, Roxas. I guess that’s one of the many reasons I like you so much... it’s cause you help me escape the memories. The places I don’t want to be.”
Axel’s eyes were closed. But he could sense Roxas getting closer. He wasn’t sure what to expect. Knowing Roxas, it was probably a slap on the head for worrying him so much over something so little. But instead, it was a warm hug. He felt the air being slowly squeezed out of him, and heard Roxas speak. “Axel…was that really all? You could’ve told me that much!!!” And then the playful slap came. The one Axel had been expecting. And the laugh that followed. And everything was easy again. Just like it should be.
“And, not to ruin your moment or anything…” Roxas smirked. He learned how to from Axel. “You just told me what was going on. Oh!” He laughed as Axel grabbed a pillow from his bed and swung it at him. An immense pillow fight started, and continued right up until Roxas got hit in the eye. Axel tried to kiss it and make it better… and things escalated from there.
Roxas slept in Axel’s room that night, and when the air was its coolest, Roxas whispered breathily in Axel’s ear, “You know, you’ve lost your mind. You know you’re in love with a sixteen-year-old, right?”
“As close to in love as a Nobody can be,” Axel agreed. He squeezed his boyfriend even closer. “What about all that stupid shit, age is but a number and all that?” He shrugged a miniscule shrug. “I guess it doesn’t matter when we live like this forever.”
“Yeah… I suppose so.” Even as the first pink lights came through the windows, and Axel fell asleep, Roxas continued to ponder. Even though he was no longer so worried about Axel, he was starting to wonder about forever. And if anything would ever change.
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Things had been normal for a good long while. Everything was going fantastic. Neither Axel nor Roxas could’ve wished for a better life, right up until Xemnas let something slip and ruined anything they could’ve kept. But, destiny ensured something was going to happen anyway. Xemnas just speeded it along.
“You know, Roxas, it is quite peculiar that you carry the keyblade.”
That was all he said. It was in passing. Anybody else would’ve ignored it. But Roxas started to question it. He started to wonder why he had it. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to have it--he didn’t have a heart, after all! And as he started to wonder, he started to itch more and more. Itching to go out into the world, to find exactly why he had it. To get away from the castle for a while. To find answers.
Axel, of course, refused to leave. “How can you even think about ditching? Have you seen what these people can do?”
Roxas had. And he was certain he would be fine.
The two weeks preparing for Roxas’ leave went by rather hazy. The two of them clearly remembered two conversations, however. One was the night before Roxas was due to leave.
“Roxas…” Axel ran his fingers over the smooth skin of his lover, possibly for the last time. “Are you really gonna leave me?”
“You know I can’t rest until I find out.” Roxas didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay right there, in Axel’s arms, for the rest of eternity. But his mind wouldn’t let him.
“You know, they aren’t gonna rest, either. They’re gonna see this as betrayal.” Axel looked at him with sad eyes. “I don’t want to have to hurt you.”
“You don’t wanna have to hurt me?” Roxas laughed lightly. “How many times have you beat the shit outta me when we were mock fighting? Just pretend we’re practicing again, you’ll be fine.” Roxas smiled. “Besides, I’ll be back before you know it. Just a quick trip, looking for some answers. I’ll return. I promise.”
The second was when Roxas left. Axel got angry. But he was really just upset. He couldn’t believe that his best friend, his lover… Axel would go almost as far to say the love of his life. Roxas would say the same. Proudly.
Both of them were more empty than ever before without each other. And they stayed that way for a really long time.
Right up until the end of both of their existences.
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Somewhere, in the midst of the darkness, fifty years after they last saw each other, blue eyes meet green, and both feel the place where their heart should be soar. They are both a little less empty.
Author: alovelyvampire
Pairing: AkuRoku
Rating: Let's say T.
POV: Third
Summary: Roxas and Axel were always destined to be together, from the first time Xemnas mentioned Sora's Nobody.
Disclaimer: This story is a work of transformative fiction, such being defined as a work which incorporates characters and situations which have been created by other authors/artists. No infringement of copyright is intended and no profit is being made from the creation or dissemination of this work. Kingdom Hearts is owned and copyrighted by both Disney and Square Enix. It was used in respect and admiration of the work. Empty Without You is a song by The Used, and it's lyrics were used, again, in admiration for the work.
Author Notes: THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. 358/2 Days does not exist in this fanfic. None at all whatsoever, as I have not played the game nor seen the cutscenes yet. THIS MEANS THAT DETAILS WILL BE WRONG. Yes, I know. Shameful. But it's the truth. KHI exists, and so does KHII...but other than that, nope.
Beta: The wonderfully amazing bubblegum_miley, who deserves all of your love and sugary treats.
Spoilers: Spoilers for KHII...but I think that's it. And even those are minor spoilers XD
Warnings: Implied sex and mild language. But this was a considerably clean fic.
Axel blinked as he stared at the blank, white walls surrounding him. Geez, it’s like nobody around here has heard of color,, he thought sarcastically to himself. If you had asked him when he was Lea if white could be depressing, he might have laughed at you before rolling his eyes and walking away. But now, Axel knew better. White was as depressing as you could get. Even more so than black.
Sighing, he turned away from the intricately carved walls to look at whoever had decided to interrupt what little bit of peace he had. “The Superior!” Axel gave a mock bow. “How ever so pleasant to be in your presence. How may I help you?”
“Axel.” Xemnas’ voice was cold, as always. “I have a rather delicate job for you. We have located the Nobody of Sora.”
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“Hey, Blondie!”
“Leave me alone, Axel!” Roxas’ eyes were a sharp blue, like ice, piercing into Axel -- who never really liked ice anyway. But he merely shrugged it off and laughed at the younger Nobody, walking up to him and throwing an arm over his shoulder. “Here, I'll give you the real Grand Tour of the castle. Not the prettied-up-one that Xemnas gave you.”
Whisking the smaller one off, Axel showed him all the best parts of the castle -- where Marluxia grew his weed (something Axel claimed was a fun thing to steal -- but never to smoke, or he’d know you stole it), where Larxene spent her time when she was mad (a place Roxas had full intentions to avoid at all costs), Luxord’s favorite room to hold a game of strip poker, and other miscellaneous things that Axel thought were important -- and Roxas could see why. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Axel loved bugging people, particularly because he didn’t take his arm off of Roxas the entire time. Not that Roxas complained. He was feeling a real connection with the fiery redhead, a connection he hadn’t felt with anyone, as far as he could remember.
“So, that was the castle. I’ve just wasted an hour of your time and mine. How great is that?" Axel smirked as the blonde stuck out his tongue. “Cheer up, Roxie. This place isn’t so bad once you get used to it. And if you don’t wanna get used to it, then you go up to my room. Lemme show you!” And Roxas once again found himself being dragged to one of the upper parts of the castle, to where Xemnas said the latter seven numbers resided. He found himself being pulled toward a door -- which one? They all looked the same! -- and immediately immersed in a room of red, black, and the ever-present white.
“Whadaya think?” Axel held his chin up proudly at his…”masterpiece”. It looked like he had literally taken a few buckets of paint, soaked a paintbrush in it, and thrown the paint all over the walls. Which is, of course, exactly what he had done. “Demyx found the paint when we went on a mission to Wonderland… the cards were using it to paint on symbols and whatnot. We figured they didn’t need hundreds of buckets, so we… permanently borrowed some. No biggie, right? Besides, it adds some of my own pizzazz to the room. I mean, I’m not really a pure-white person, ya know?” Axel looked at Roxas, who hadn’t snorted, who hadn’t coughed obscenely, or anything that would imply sarcasm. He had been completely silent, and though Axel had known the boy for about two hours, he knew already that silence was very uncommon for the boy. What he saw made him smile, though. A real smile. One that hadn’t seen the light of day since Lea turned into Axel-- and awhile before that, as well.
Roxas was looking around the room with wide eyes, an almost dumbstruck expression on his face. He walked over and touched one of the black splatters, a slight smile forming on his face. “Red and black…” He turned to Axel, his grin growing. “Yeah, I’ll be spending a lot of time in here. The white is already so mundane…”
And him and Axel shared a laugh, the first one of many.
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Axel and Roxas grew close to each other within the coming months, and they cemented their friendship by water-balloon bombing Demyx as he walked out of the library, after attempting to show off to Zexion for the who’s-even-counting-anymore-th time. The musician took it well enough, but he put on quite a show, scaring Roxas and deeply amusing Axel. And the two quickly found the more time they spent together, the more they never wanted to leave each other's side. And the more they never wanted to leave, the more everyone noticed that they had grown a closer bond than most people would in an organization of Nobodies. And though everybody knew this, no one knew just how close the two became.
“Axel! You’re crazy!” Roxas laughed as he stumbled into the entrance hall with the redhead, out of breath and completely soaked. “I can’t believe you almost lost a chakram to a Heartless!”
“Oh, honey,” Axel elaborated, draping himself over Roxas, “You know I’m more careful than that.” A devilish grin later, he had the blonde in his arms and was walking through a Corridor of Darkness. “Come, we were on guard duty in the wet for far too long. And my Roxie needs to stay warm if he’s gonna get any taller…” He received a whap on the head for his comment, but Roxas didn’t struggle. He felt like he didn’t have to anymore.
As Axel started a shower for the both of them, Roxas leaned against the cool tile of the countertop, eyeing the older man with a peculiar look on his face-- one of apprehension mixed with wonder. “Axel…do you remember when you got turned into a Nobody?”
Axel shrugged and pulled Roxas into the small cubicle with him. “Nope. Not a thing.” And as he held his lover close and started kissing every bit of his face and neck, Roxas could’ve swore he saw a lying look in his eye. Roxas didn’t believe him for one second. But he let Axel have his secrets.
After all, Roxas was sure he could worm answers out of him later.
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Roxas felt as though he knew Axel better than anybody--and he was probably right. But that didn’t mean it didn’t scare him to death when he saw Axel viciously destroying one of the many sturdy bushes surrounding the castle (and, inside his mind, he knew that Marluxia would throw a fit later).
Axel was throwing his chakrams at the bush repeatedly, but he did it with a certain kind of relish, as though the shrubbery had personally offended him, and he was determined to get revenge. Roxas found himself running up to his… "boyfriend” and grabbing his arms. Upon feeling the extra weight, Axel spun, his eyes full of a wildness Roxas hadn’t seen before, and quite honestly, it scared him. But the look was gone in an instant, and Axel smiled and dropped his prized chakrams in favor of giving his lover a hug. “Hey, Roxie-baby, what’s up?”
“What’s up?” Roxas wasn’t sure what he was more upset about--Axel so obviously stressing over something, or his new nickname. “Erm, I just saw you destroying one of Marluxia’s bushes. One, he’s going to be pissed at you once he gets a glance at that thing, and two, you’re freaking out over something. And I wanna know what.” He could feel Axel sigh, and he knew that a denial was coming up. So he cut it off before it could even start. “And don’t even give me any of that ‘Nothing’s wrong’ bullshit. I won’t take it.” He looked into Axel’s eyes, knowing his own were hardened with resolve. “C’mon, Axel, tell me what’s wrong.”
“Roxas…” The blonde didn’t miss the use of his actual name--and it scared him. “It really isn’t that big of a deal. Just had a flashback from being Lea. Needed a stress outlet…and Marluxia owes me, anyway, so it was a win-win situation.” His easy smile tried to reassure Roxas… but it didn’t do a very good job, he noticed, as the smaller Nobody glared up at him.
“That’s a shit answer, Axel.”
“I know, Roxie-baby, but it’s the answer I’ve got for ya.” Finally releasing his lover, Axel picked up his chakrams and started walking towards the castle. “C’mon, let’s get outta here before Marly comes back… I don’t think he’ll be too pleased about this being his favor owed.” The characteristic smirk was widening across his face, all thoughts of his flashback forgotten. “Or, better yet... maybe we can blame it on Larxene or something… maybe even Xaldin or Lexaeus. Yeah. Lexaeus. That’d work... he’s always angry about something…” As Axel schemed, Roxas listened, not really concentrating on his boyfriend’s words. He was concentrating more on the way Axel clenched his fists on the precious pieces of circular metal in his hands. It was too tight to be a “careful” grip. Roxas didn’t like it at all.
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There was something in the way Roxas looked at Axel lately that scared him. He figured it had something to do with the fact that he’d been a Nobody for about three months, and Axel knew full-well that’s when he really started to feel it.
The emptiness. Sure, for a while, not feeling was great. You stopped worrying about emotional pain, you did things for the fun of doing them, and you didn’t feel it when your pride got hit so much. Still a little bit on Axel’s case, but he knew Roxas was never as obsessed over his image as the redhead was. So he had that gut feeling that Roxas was starting to die in the emptiness.
So it didn’t overly surprise Axel when Roxas came into his room a wild look in his eyes, and a blank look on his face. “Axel… why can’t I feel?” The poor boy looked like he would cry, if he could.
“It’s the whole not having a heart thing. That’s why everyone glares at me when I throw my arm around your neck. They think that I’m bluffing just a bit much.” A small shrug. “Which I might be. But, hey, who knows? I’m an impulsive kinda person. It’s just what I do.”
“But... do you always feel... so much nothing?” Roxas collapsed on the bed next to Axel, who automatically took him into his arms.
“Yeah, love, ya do. It’s part of being a Nobody. We don’t really exist, remember? Didn’t Xemnas tell you everything?” Roxas nodded a little. “See? We’re just bodies now, Roxas. Minds and souls. Our hearts are long gone.” Axel smiled a little, though. “But that’s okay, Roxie. I mean, you’ve still got me. I know what you’re going through.” He squeezed the smaller boy tighter. “I'm right here, empty with you.”
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A month later, and Roxas had calmed down enough to begin to accept his lack of emotion. Not that he really had a choice. He was either going to accept it, or go crazy for not. Since Roxas was a pretty rational person, he chose the latter option, and life went back to…”normal”, if there was such a thing as normal in a society of Nobodies, especially when Axel was involved. Which he usually was.
The particular scene that Roxas picked out as the most “normal” day since he fell into a panic involved a few of Zexion’s precious books (that he had placed just inside the door of his library earlier that week, claiming they were horrid books, and should be destroyed of immediately. Everybody knew he was lying through his teeth-- Zexion cared more for all books than he did anything else. Even people), a clear twilight, and quite a bit of fire.
Axel decided he and Roxas were going to have a book burning, “To let Zexion know that if he really wants something destroyed, we can do it quite efficiently.” And when Axel got that look in his eyes, Roxas went along with it. Always. Because he feared for his life if he didn’t.
“So, let’s see…” Axel’s face was gently lit in the waning light, his red hair appearing slightly less bright than usual, because everything around him was bathed in orange. “We’ve got the books, we’ve got some concrete so we won’t make Marluxia mad and burn all his grass, we’ve got the fire…” He looked at Roxas expectantly. “What else do we need?”
“Um… someone to say something important?” Roxas shrugged. “I don’t know, I’m not a professional at burning things.”
“Well, most fortunately for you, I am.” The devilish smirk was back, and the redhead held a bit of flame in his hand above the books. “And I say we don’t need anything else.”
Dropping the small ball of fire on the books, Roxas felt his smile grow as the heat reached his face. He’d never been around a… campfire-type-thing before, and found the flames were quite comforting. Sure, he was around fire quite a bit with Axel, but then it was vicious, a weapon as much as his keyblades were. Now, it was something to be treasured, a welcoming and happy gesture.
As Roxas started to get comfortable, they heard an outraged scream come from the castle. A nanosecond later, Zexion came barreling out of a Corridor, as enraged as a Nobody could be.
“What are you doing?” Swiftly grabbing one of the books and putting out the flames with his gloves (everybody was given fire-resistant clothing after Axel showed up, and waterproof after Demyx), all the while glaring at Axel. “What have you done?” He scooped up the other two and repeated the procedure, continuing to shoot eye-daggers at the redhead, who was having trouble stopping laughing.
“Zexion, I thought you said you didn’t want them anymore? I was only helping you destroy them!!” Axel’s eyes were barely visible, he was smiling so hard.
“You nimrod, they’re books! No person, no matter how idiotic, could over look the fact that these pages are the very existence of knowledge, and should never be truly destroyed! Axel, you imbecile!” And with that, still fuming, Zexion disappeared into darkness.
And Axel continued to laugh. “I love messing with that kid. I mean, did you get a load of some of those titles? They were pointless!!” A deep throated chuckle. “He’s fine without them. We all are.”
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Somewhere around the six-month mark (of Roxas being in the Organization, of course), Roxas started to notice that Axel spent a considerable amount of time alone. Normally this wouldn’t bother him (because he wasn’t that protective of his boyfriend), but when Axel came back from wherever he was, he looked dead-tired, complete with circles under his eyes. When Roxas asked him about it, he claimed that Xemnas hated him, and had sent him on yet another “pointless mission. I could do without ‘em, Roxie-baby. Especially if it meant I gotta spend more time with you.” And Roxas would forget about it, because Axel’s smile was so convincing.
But this stuff had been going on for two weeks. And Axel was coming back more and more tired every time. And Roxas was trying really hard not to be such a protective boyfriend, but… he really couldn’t help it now.
So when Axel came back one night, Roxas stood in his doorway, not allowing him to come in. “Hey, Roxie…what’s up?” Axel pretended not to catch on at first, and instead gave his boyfriend a hug, which he grudgingly returned. “What are you doing standing here? You know, I’ve got a bed that hasn’t been used lately…”
“Axel.” Roxas stopped that train before Axel could really get going. “Where are you going? And why do you look so dead when you come back?”
“Um…” Axel looked really uncomfortable. “Would you believe me if I told you I was having wild sex?” The disapproving look was all Axel needed. “Guess not…well, see, my flashbacks have started up again. So, you know…I’ve just kinda been stress-relieving myself. Nothing major.”
“But…” Roxas looked so defeated. “What are your flashbacks about?” He took a couple steps away from his boyfriend, to be able to look him full in the face.
“Roxas…” Axel looked at him with haunting eyes. The kind of eyes that held many secrets--secrets that didn’t want to be told. “Roxas, I’m not going to tell you. You can imagine a hundred different situations, and a thousand confessions that I might have…but you’re not gonna find a single one, Roxie. I can’t tell you… it’s a part of my life that I don’t wanna go back to. Besides,” Axel moved to hug him again, but Roxas backed up some more. “Why would I want to go back when all I have ever wanted is here with me? I have the image of perfection right in front of me--why would I want to think about dark times? It seems rather irrelevant, Roxie-baby.” A smile, then a sigh. “That’s why I beat up things, too. It’s to escape those awful memories…but I never really escape, Roxas. I guess that’s one of the many reasons I like you so much... it’s cause you help me escape the memories. The places I don’t want to be.”
Axel’s eyes were closed. But he could sense Roxas getting closer. He wasn’t sure what to expect. Knowing Roxas, it was probably a slap on the head for worrying him so much over something so little. But instead, it was a warm hug. He felt the air being slowly squeezed out of him, and heard Roxas speak. “Axel…was that really all? You could’ve told me that much!!!” And then the playful slap came. The one Axel had been expecting. And the laugh that followed. And everything was easy again. Just like it should be.
“And, not to ruin your moment or anything…” Roxas smirked. He learned how to from Axel. “You just told me what was going on. Oh!” He laughed as Axel grabbed a pillow from his bed and swung it at him. An immense pillow fight started, and continued right up until Roxas got hit in the eye. Axel tried to kiss it and make it better… and things escalated from there.
Roxas slept in Axel’s room that night, and when the air was its coolest, Roxas whispered breathily in Axel’s ear, “You know, you’ve lost your mind. You know you’re in love with a sixteen-year-old, right?”
“As close to in love as a Nobody can be,” Axel agreed. He squeezed his boyfriend even closer. “What about all that stupid shit, age is but a number and all that?” He shrugged a miniscule shrug. “I guess it doesn’t matter when we live like this forever.”
“Yeah… I suppose so.” Even as the first pink lights came through the windows, and Axel fell asleep, Roxas continued to ponder. Even though he was no longer so worried about Axel, he was starting to wonder about forever. And if anything would ever change.
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Things had been normal for a good long while. Everything was going fantastic. Neither Axel nor Roxas could’ve wished for a better life, right up until Xemnas let something slip and ruined anything they could’ve kept. But, destiny ensured something was going to happen anyway. Xemnas just speeded it along.
“You know, Roxas, it is quite peculiar that you carry the keyblade.”
That was all he said. It was in passing. Anybody else would’ve ignored it. But Roxas started to question it. He started to wonder why he had it. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to have it--he didn’t have a heart, after all! And as he started to wonder, he started to itch more and more. Itching to go out into the world, to find exactly why he had it. To get away from the castle for a while. To find answers.
Axel, of course, refused to leave. “How can you even think about ditching? Have you seen what these people can do?”
Roxas had. And he was certain he would be fine.
The two weeks preparing for Roxas’ leave went by rather hazy. The two of them clearly remembered two conversations, however. One was the night before Roxas was due to leave.
“Roxas…” Axel ran his fingers over the smooth skin of his lover, possibly for the last time. “Are you really gonna leave me?”
“You know I can’t rest until I find out.” Roxas didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay right there, in Axel’s arms, for the rest of eternity. But his mind wouldn’t let him.
“You know, they aren’t gonna rest, either. They’re gonna see this as betrayal.” Axel looked at him with sad eyes. “I don’t want to have to hurt you.”
“You don’t wanna have to hurt me?” Roxas laughed lightly. “How many times have you beat the shit outta me when we were mock fighting? Just pretend we’re practicing again, you’ll be fine.” Roxas smiled. “Besides, I’ll be back before you know it. Just a quick trip, looking for some answers. I’ll return. I promise.”
The second was when Roxas left. Axel got angry. But he was really just upset. He couldn’t believe that his best friend, his lover… Axel would go almost as far to say the love of his life. Roxas would say the same. Proudly.
Both of them were more empty than ever before without each other. And they stayed that way for a really long time.
Right up until the end of both of their existences.
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Somewhere, in the midst of the darkness, fifty years after they last saw each other, blue eyes meet green, and both feel the place where their heart should be soar. They are both a little less empty.