What Happens Now...?
Numb.
If there was one word that could describe the way I was feeling right this minute, it would be numb. Nothing seemed to make sense and yet, in some morbid, otherworldly dimensional twist of fate in where the good guys are trying to battle the bad guys in order to prevent another cataclysmic event that will soon doom the world, yet again, it does make perfect sense. My head hurts just thinking about it.
I chance a look around the lobby and for the first time in a long time, since my crazy I-used-to-live-in-a-cave days actually, I find myself unable to look at anyone straight in the eyes. I feel like I've just betrayed everyone and I'm not just talking about my friends, but the whole world. But then again, I was not the only guilty one. We all signed our souls away. Or at least, it feels like we did anyway. Didn't know that playing for the other team would make me feel so cheap, even if we do it for all the right reasons, or at least I'd like to believe we did it for the right reasons.
Why can’t things ever be simple? Why does simple always have to be complicated with us? It’s like we never seem to get a good reprieve. It’s always kill the bad guys and then hey, you look at your schedule again and what do you know? You got more bad guys lined up at 2:00pm on a Tuesday while your original kill-the-baddy-appointment at 1:00pm cancels on you only to reschedule for next week.
At least then you knew what was on your itinerary half the time. And with a direct link to the Powers… well, that made things a wee-bit easier, didn’t it. The powers… Cordy… I- I still couldn’t believe how everything turned out in the end. Can’t seem to make heads or tails out of the whole thing. It hardly seems fair.
I guess nothing in this world is truly fair.
But it was true, wasn’t. This… this whole deal with the devil, fair or not… this was the only way to keep the big baddies on a leash. Ha ha! I have to laugh at my own naivete. Really though, if we were all trying to be honest with ourselves, the ones who are really on leash now are us, right? Sure, give us more money than we could ever hope to make in three life times, keys to some pretty nifty looking cars that I’m pretty sure I’d be to chicken to drive anywhere, along with an office with amazing views and unlimited resources for whatever research our minds can think up. Yep. No matter how I look it, it just feels like we’re selling out somehow. Why doesn’t it feel like we’ve become the puppets? It's almost like we're being pulled along by invisible strings.
But, this was our choice. We- we made the right choice, right? I mean, there was just too much at stake and we just didn’t have the kind of resources at our disposal to battle everything and everyone. I mean, after Jasmine… we sorta lost everything. We couldn’t just keep things going the way they were going and just hope that everything would work itself out one way or another with some musty old book or some spell, or with… with… Angel.
Angel.
That’s the real reason why we are all here, ain’t it. I still get all those goose pimples just thinking about it. Angel is really gone, isn’t he? He made his own choice quite clear. He would become Angelus, in exchange to right many wrongs. But was all that worth it, too? I guess, I will never know. I am not a father, or carry the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. Sure, I am part of this team, I want to help, I’m deeper now that I had ever hoped to be, but he’s the one that prophecies are written about… he’s the one with the burden. I’m just a girl who took a wrong turn in a library and ended in Pylea.
A choice.
To keep doing things the way we’ve always been doing them, from the outside looking in… or… to work from within the belly of the beast and hope to god we find something… just anything that can be of real use to us, and soon.
Maybe we’re biting more than we can chew… and let’s face it. I do that more times now than I can count.
Geez. Just thinking about all this… I feel like I just lost 15 years of my life. Not only do we have to work from within the house of evil, Wolfram & Hart, but the big boss will be… Angelus. And let’s face it. He’s not a team player, and if he ever did go for a team, it'd be more likely for him to choose team ‘maim you’ instead of playing for the good guys.
Can we really handle all of this? Are we capable? As if we didn’t get enough of Angelus the first time around.
But we all made our sacrifices. We all had to. In the end… in the end there was so much at stake, too many things that couldn’t be overlooked. But I wonder, did we really think everything through? I mean, sure, according to our contracts Angelus can’t do anything to us… directly. Maybe even indirectly, we’re still kinda iffy on the indirectness there and any loopies there could be in these contracts, but this is Angelus we’re talking about, the biggest bad there is, aside from this evil corporate umbrella that’s our new employer.
I just can’t seem to shake this feeling… As I look around, I can pretty much tell that everyone else is having the same internal dialogue that I just did, or something similar anyways. Kinda hard not to. And just having this feeling of no control makes me wanna keep one of those big red buttons on hand to press every now and again and have it fix everything just like that. Catchy commercial- too bad it’s just not real.
“So… I guess this will be headquarters from now on?” I hesitantly say with a nervous smile.
[Open to Wesley, Gunn & Lorne]
If there was one word that could describe the way I was feeling right this minute, it would be numb. Nothing seemed to make sense and yet, in some morbid, otherworldly dimensional twist of fate in where the good guys are trying to battle the bad guys in order to prevent another cataclysmic event that will soon doom the world, yet again, it does make perfect sense. My head hurts just thinking about it.
I chance a look around the lobby and for the first time in a long time, since my crazy I-used-to-live-in-a-cave days actually, I find myself unable to look at anyone straight in the eyes. I feel like I've just betrayed everyone and I'm not just talking about my friends, but the whole world. But then again, I was not the only guilty one. We all signed our souls away. Or at least, it feels like we did anyway. Didn't know that playing for the other team would make me feel so cheap, even if we do it for all the right reasons, or at least I'd like to believe we did it for the right reasons.
Why can’t things ever be simple? Why does simple always have to be complicated with us? It’s like we never seem to get a good reprieve. It’s always kill the bad guys and then hey, you look at your schedule again and what do you know? You got more bad guys lined up at 2:00pm on a Tuesday while your original kill-the-baddy-appointment at 1:00pm cancels on you only to reschedule for next week.
At least then you knew what was on your itinerary half the time. And with a direct link to the Powers… well, that made things a wee-bit easier, didn’t it. The powers… Cordy… I- I still couldn’t believe how everything turned out in the end. Can’t seem to make heads or tails out of the whole thing. It hardly seems fair.
I guess nothing in this world is truly fair.
But it was true, wasn’t. This… this whole deal with the devil, fair or not… this was the only way to keep the big baddies on a leash. Ha ha! I have to laugh at my own naivete. Really though, if we were all trying to be honest with ourselves, the ones who are really on leash now are us, right? Sure, give us more money than we could ever hope to make in three life times, keys to some pretty nifty looking cars that I’m pretty sure I’d be to chicken to drive anywhere, along with an office with amazing views and unlimited resources for whatever research our minds can think up. Yep. No matter how I look it, it just feels like we’re selling out somehow. Why doesn’t it feel like we’ve become the puppets? It's almost like we're being pulled along by invisible strings.
But, this was our choice. We- we made the right choice, right? I mean, there was just too much at stake and we just didn’t have the kind of resources at our disposal to battle everything and everyone. I mean, after Jasmine… we sorta lost everything. We couldn’t just keep things going the way they were going and just hope that everything would work itself out one way or another with some musty old book or some spell, or with… with… Angel.
Angel.
That’s the real reason why we are all here, ain’t it. I still get all those goose pimples just thinking about it. Angel is really gone, isn’t he? He made his own choice quite clear. He would become Angelus, in exchange to right many wrongs. But was all that worth it, too? I guess, I will never know. I am not a father, or carry the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. Sure, I am part of this team, I want to help, I’m deeper now that I had ever hoped to be, but he’s the one that prophecies are written about… he’s the one with the burden. I’m just a girl who took a wrong turn in a library and ended in Pylea.
A choice.
To keep doing things the way we’ve always been doing them, from the outside looking in… or… to work from within the belly of the beast and hope to god we find something… just anything that can be of real use to us, and soon.
Maybe we’re biting more than we can chew… and let’s face it. I do that more times now than I can count.
Geez. Just thinking about all this… I feel like I just lost 15 years of my life. Not only do we have to work from within the house of evil, Wolfram & Hart, but the big boss will be… Angelus. And let’s face it. He’s not a team player, and if he ever did go for a team, it'd be more likely for him to choose team ‘maim you’ instead of playing for the good guys.
Can we really handle all of this? Are we capable? As if we didn’t get enough of Angelus the first time around.
But we all made our sacrifices. We all had to. In the end… in the end there was so much at stake, too many things that couldn’t be overlooked. But I wonder, did we really think everything through? I mean, sure, according to our contracts Angelus can’t do anything to us… directly. Maybe even indirectly, we’re still kinda iffy on the indirectness there and any loopies there could be in these contracts, but this is Angelus we’re talking about, the biggest bad there is, aside from this evil corporate umbrella that’s our new employer.
I just can’t seem to shake this feeling… As I look around, I can pretty much tell that everyone else is having the same internal dialogue that I just did, or something similar anyways. Kinda hard not to. And just having this feeling of no control makes me wanna keep one of those big red buttons on hand to press every now and again and have it fix everything just like that. Catchy commercial- too bad it’s just not real.
“So… I guess this will be headquarters from now on?” I hesitantly say with a nervous smile.
[Open to Wesley, Gunn & Lorne]