Trans Woman's Journey (Temperence #14)
Hi,
Transition can have rewards which manifest in Temperance. Life as a Trans Woman has several special stresses some of which may resolve in some transitions. Proprioceptive discontinuity, hormonal imbalance, and social alienation may get resolved through transition. Much of the point of transition revolves around bringing Trans Woman into harmony with her mind, her environment, and her universe which means Temperance.
Surgery for Trans Women gets a lot of attention. Genital surgery can produce very realistic looking results. Function remains less reliable as some Trans Women lose sensation after surgery. Ultimately how comfortable the Trans Woman feels in her body should take on primary importance. For those Trans Women whose sense of proprioception tells us that we have a female body already, surgery can bring the body into alignment with the proprioceptive sense. For those who have not experienced this discontinuity try this thought experiment. Imagine that someone has grafted a dildo over your genitalia. You can't actually touch your own genitals, but only the dildo. You know that it does not belong there because it feels alien and wrong. You still have sexual desires, but because you can't reach your own genitals you can't act on many of them. As far as dildos go it may work reasonably well, but as long as it remains your own genitals will remain completely out of reach. Surgery can transform the genitals and end this bodily discontinuity.
For others surgery does not exist as an option. Raising the money may prove unfeasible. Health concerns may prevent it. They may not experience the proprioceptive discontinuity described above. Or they may have religious or philosophical beliefs that do not permit them to surgically alter even an uncomfortable healthy body. Such Trans Women must come to grips with living in bodies that society does not approve as well as any discomfort they may feel. This can prove a difficult balancing act in part because so much of what little social acceptance Trans Women have as Women revolves around our genitals.
Society defines women by our bodies. Many people, even seemingly intelligent people, believe in an essentialism that treats the vagina as the center and source of womanhood. This leads to the belief that surgery can transform a man into a woman. It can't. Surgery can reshape a body, no more and no less. And womanhood means a lot more than that. Essentialism also can lead to the belief that the genitals at birth define who we become entirely. They don't. Proprioception and early socialization as well as later experiences can all shape us in ways not consistent with what society tries to impose on us based on our genitals. Essentialist arguments also tend to become very ableist. At their heart essentialist arguments define people by the shape of our bodies either at birth or at present. Doing so doesn't only disrespect Trans folk, but also everyone who has a body that falls outside the range of what society considers normal. Bodies matter. They contribute to who we become. But many of us know that bodies alone do not, cannot, and must not define us. Sometimes learning and accepting that can bring a certain degree of peace.
Hormones for Trans Woman get almost as much attention as surgery. Hormonal changes can make a body somewhat more comfortable at the proprioceptive level. They also provide a great deal of change in appearance over a period of years as subcutaneous fat slowly redistributes itself. But hormones can also provide more direct changes that help to bring the peace of Temperance to Trans Woman.
I have a nasty susceptibility to caffeine. Even a small amount of caffeine makes me irritable. I can manage to eat a little bit of milk chocolate, but no more than that, before I start to feel this entirely chemical irritation. As a result I have learned to recognize when I feel a chemically caused irritation and to distinguish it from more emotion centered irritations. When I started taking hormones I quickly realized that I had felt a constant low level of chemical irritation my entire life and that I no longer felt that. That came as a complete and pleasant surprise to me. And it came as a confirmation that I need the hormones that I take for reasons beyond transition. The relief that I get from taking hormones would motivate me to take them for the rest of my life even if they had done absolutely nothing to change my appearance. In a potentially related development, prior to transition I got migraine headaches fairly frequently and they have since ceased. I don't know whether to credit that to hormones, reduced stress, or both, but I do credit it entirely to transition.
Hormones also cost money, although much less at one time than surgery. And hormones mean dependence on pharmaceutical companies whose business practices some find quite objectionable. Some medical condition can make hormonal transition unreasonably dangerous. Transitioning without hormones leaves Trans Woman in a body which may lack some very visible signs of femaleness and stretches our ideas of what actually counts as a Woman's body. I count as a Woman's body the body of any person who lives, identifies as, and faces society's misogyny as a Woman regardless of how she looks to me.
Social alienation of Trans Woman starts in childhood for some of us. We get expected to behave as boys and we get punished both formally by adults and informally by other children when we fail to do so. Years and decades of this punishment become grueling. Some of us internalize these punishments and contort ourselves into more or less socially acceptable mock men or at least invisible neuters. Even someone who to all appearance seems a happy and successful man may in fact hide their self identification really well.
I think we make a mistake if we try to define certain behaviors or mindsets as belonging respectively to women or men. We live in a world with a long history of coercive gender socialization. That socialization has created the social identities that we often now associate with men and women. And much of those identities we learn completely unconsciously through identification and imitation in our early childhood socialization before we even master speech or more complex forms of thought. So I'm not saying that Trans Woman acts or thinks "like a woman" whatever that might mean, but that often Trans Woman gets the same root socialization that other women get with all the complications and problems inherent in that socialization. Simply pretending that socialization never existed can prove as self defeating as uncritically embracing it in my experience. Accepting the existence of that programming seems to me a necessary precondition to critically examining and overcoming it.
Social transition means actively finding ways to live in the world as a Woman. It may become more difficult or simpler depending on other factors such as surgical or hormonal transition which can provide Trans Woman with a more socially acceptable Woman's body. And genetic luck as well as age of transition may also make a difference in that respect. Social transition does not have to mean uncritically accepting the programming of ones early socialization, but it does mean no longer denying the existence of such programming. Accepting the reality of such programming lets us examine it and maybe even grow beyond it. At the very least it ends the denial that keeps Trans Woman from experiencing an internal harmony associated with Temperance.
One type of Trans person often gets overlooked. Some of us have bodily discontinuities from our proprioceptive sense, but lack social discontinuities. In other words some people adapt completely to the gendered social role, but not to their own physical proprioceptive sense of having a differently sexed body. Present methods of dealing with Trans folk insist that they must socially transition in order to have access to physical transition. This strikes me as amazingly backwards. Why change something that actually works for the person in question? I see nothing wrong with correcting proprioceptive or hormonal discontinuities without making any sort of social transition if that meets individual needs. It does mean the individual will end up in a body which does not match that associated with their social role, but that happens to plenty of Trans folks who transition socially but not medically so unless the medical interventions exist solely to create traditional gender/body associations no real reason exists not to provide relief to individuals even if doing so creates an unconventional gender/body association.
I believe that someone who surgically alters her body through testosterone masectomy, or even phalloplasty, but who continues to live, identify, and deal with society as a Woman remains a Woman. And I believe that someone who alters his body through hormones, or vaginoplasty, but who continues to live, identify, and deal with society as a Man remains a Man. We can't reasonably guess how many people would choose such options because current accepted models of Trans don't even consider it. But I am aware that some people transition physically and socially and when they find more comfort with their bodies they re-transition socially and seem happier than when they started. Not having walked in their shoes I can't say why, but I can speculate that no reason I can see other than gender enforcement seems to exist for tying physical and social transition together.
I've focused more on the factors which can get brought into harmony by transition more than the harmony itself because that harmony resists my ability to fit it into words. Living entirely as oneself seems both the simplest and the most difficult thing in the world to me. I know it entirely eluded me before transition, but now it seems so amazingly simple.
Thanks,
Lorrraine
Transition can have rewards which manifest in Temperance. Life as a Trans Woman has several special stresses some of which may resolve in some transitions. Proprioceptive discontinuity, hormonal imbalance, and social alienation may get resolved through transition. Much of the point of transition revolves around bringing Trans Woman into harmony with her mind, her environment, and her universe which means Temperance.
Surgery for Trans Women gets a lot of attention. Genital surgery can produce very realistic looking results. Function remains less reliable as some Trans Women lose sensation after surgery. Ultimately how comfortable the Trans Woman feels in her body should take on primary importance. For those Trans Women whose sense of proprioception tells us that we have a female body already, surgery can bring the body into alignment with the proprioceptive sense. For those who have not experienced this discontinuity try this thought experiment. Imagine that someone has grafted a dildo over your genitalia. You can't actually touch your own genitals, but only the dildo. You know that it does not belong there because it feels alien and wrong. You still have sexual desires, but because you can't reach your own genitals you can't act on many of them. As far as dildos go it may work reasonably well, but as long as it remains your own genitals will remain completely out of reach. Surgery can transform the genitals and end this bodily discontinuity.
For others surgery does not exist as an option. Raising the money may prove unfeasible. Health concerns may prevent it. They may not experience the proprioceptive discontinuity described above. Or they may have religious or philosophical beliefs that do not permit them to surgically alter even an uncomfortable healthy body. Such Trans Women must come to grips with living in bodies that society does not approve as well as any discomfort they may feel. This can prove a difficult balancing act in part because so much of what little social acceptance Trans Women have as Women revolves around our genitals.
Society defines women by our bodies. Many people, even seemingly intelligent people, believe in an essentialism that treats the vagina as the center and source of womanhood. This leads to the belief that surgery can transform a man into a woman. It can't. Surgery can reshape a body, no more and no less. And womanhood means a lot more than that. Essentialism also can lead to the belief that the genitals at birth define who we become entirely. They don't. Proprioception and early socialization as well as later experiences can all shape us in ways not consistent with what society tries to impose on us based on our genitals. Essentialist arguments also tend to become very ableist. At their heart essentialist arguments define people by the shape of our bodies either at birth or at present. Doing so doesn't only disrespect Trans folk, but also everyone who has a body that falls outside the range of what society considers normal. Bodies matter. They contribute to who we become. But many of us know that bodies alone do not, cannot, and must not define us. Sometimes learning and accepting that can bring a certain degree of peace.
Hormones for Trans Woman get almost as much attention as surgery. Hormonal changes can make a body somewhat more comfortable at the proprioceptive level. They also provide a great deal of change in appearance over a period of years as subcutaneous fat slowly redistributes itself. But hormones can also provide more direct changes that help to bring the peace of Temperance to Trans Woman.
I have a nasty susceptibility to caffeine. Even a small amount of caffeine makes me irritable. I can manage to eat a little bit of milk chocolate, but no more than that, before I start to feel this entirely chemical irritation. As a result I have learned to recognize when I feel a chemically caused irritation and to distinguish it from more emotion centered irritations. When I started taking hormones I quickly realized that I had felt a constant low level of chemical irritation my entire life and that I no longer felt that. That came as a complete and pleasant surprise to me. And it came as a confirmation that I need the hormones that I take for reasons beyond transition. The relief that I get from taking hormones would motivate me to take them for the rest of my life even if they had done absolutely nothing to change my appearance. In a potentially related development, prior to transition I got migraine headaches fairly frequently and they have since ceased. I don't know whether to credit that to hormones, reduced stress, or both, but I do credit it entirely to transition.
Hormones also cost money, although much less at one time than surgery. And hormones mean dependence on pharmaceutical companies whose business practices some find quite objectionable. Some medical condition can make hormonal transition unreasonably dangerous. Transitioning without hormones leaves Trans Woman in a body which may lack some very visible signs of femaleness and stretches our ideas of what actually counts as a Woman's body. I count as a Woman's body the body of any person who lives, identifies as, and faces society's misogyny as a Woman regardless of how she looks to me.
Social alienation of Trans Woman starts in childhood for some of us. We get expected to behave as boys and we get punished both formally by adults and informally by other children when we fail to do so. Years and decades of this punishment become grueling. Some of us internalize these punishments and contort ourselves into more or less socially acceptable mock men or at least invisible neuters. Even someone who to all appearance seems a happy and successful man may in fact hide their self identification really well.
I think we make a mistake if we try to define certain behaviors or mindsets as belonging respectively to women or men. We live in a world with a long history of coercive gender socialization. That socialization has created the social identities that we often now associate with men and women. And much of those identities we learn completely unconsciously through identification and imitation in our early childhood socialization before we even master speech or more complex forms of thought. So I'm not saying that Trans Woman acts or thinks "like a woman" whatever that might mean, but that often Trans Woman gets the same root socialization that other women get with all the complications and problems inherent in that socialization. Simply pretending that socialization never existed can prove as self defeating as uncritically embracing it in my experience. Accepting the existence of that programming seems to me a necessary precondition to critically examining and overcoming it.
Social transition means actively finding ways to live in the world as a Woman. It may become more difficult or simpler depending on other factors such as surgical or hormonal transition which can provide Trans Woman with a more socially acceptable Woman's body. And genetic luck as well as age of transition may also make a difference in that respect. Social transition does not have to mean uncritically accepting the programming of ones early socialization, but it does mean no longer denying the existence of such programming. Accepting the reality of such programming lets us examine it and maybe even grow beyond it. At the very least it ends the denial that keeps Trans Woman from experiencing an internal harmony associated with Temperance.
One type of Trans person often gets overlooked. Some of us have bodily discontinuities from our proprioceptive sense, but lack social discontinuities. In other words some people adapt completely to the gendered social role, but not to their own physical proprioceptive sense of having a differently sexed body. Present methods of dealing with Trans folk insist that they must socially transition in order to have access to physical transition. This strikes me as amazingly backwards. Why change something that actually works for the person in question? I see nothing wrong with correcting proprioceptive or hormonal discontinuities without making any sort of social transition if that meets individual needs. It does mean the individual will end up in a body which does not match that associated with their social role, but that happens to plenty of Trans folks who transition socially but not medically so unless the medical interventions exist solely to create traditional gender/body associations no real reason exists not to provide relief to individuals even if doing so creates an unconventional gender/body association.
I believe that someone who surgically alters her body through testosterone masectomy, or even phalloplasty, but who continues to live, identify, and deal with society as a Woman remains a Woman. And I believe that someone who alters his body through hormones, or vaginoplasty, but who continues to live, identify, and deal with society as a Man remains a Man. We can't reasonably guess how many people would choose such options because current accepted models of Trans don't even consider it. But I am aware that some people transition physically and socially and when they find more comfort with their bodies they re-transition socially and seem happier than when they started. Not having walked in their shoes I can't say why, but I can speculate that no reason I can see other than gender enforcement seems to exist for tying physical and social transition together.
I've focused more on the factors which can get brought into harmony by transition more than the harmony itself because that harmony resists my ability to fit it into words. Living entirely as oneself seems both the simplest and the most difficult thing in the world to me. I know it entirely eluded me before transition, but now it seems so amazingly simple.
Thanks,
Lorrraine