THAT IS IT!
Fic: Extractors on a Plane
Rating: R for very strong language. Duh.
Characters/Pairings: Cobb, Ariadne, Arthur, Eames, Saito, Yusuf, Fischer (ish), random others
Summary: Snakes on a Plane meets Inception. With gay.
Warnings: Unbeta'd.
Notes: I filled my own prompt at the kink meme. I'm weird. Also, this is meant to be incredibly stupid. I only wrote it because I got this image in my head that made me laugh for sixty years. Literally.
Everything was going according to plan. Fischer was fast asleep in his seat, they were in the air on their way to LA, and everyone else was getting psyched for the job.
Once they were sure the mark was asleep, everyone stands up, ready for the flight attendant to bring the briefcase containing the wires and chemicals they needed. Something they've done hundreds of times before.
Except, this time, when Arthur opens up the case, a giant fucking snake jumps out and latches on to his neck.
"What the fuck!?" Arthur practically screams, staggering back, only to be caught by Cobb.
Ariadne waves her arms worriedly.
"What is going on?" she shrieks, but everyone is too preoccupied trying to figure out how to get the snake off of their point man.
From out of nowhere, Eames pulls out a switchblade, takes a hold of the snake, and cuts in half. Its jaw relaxes and they can wrench the fangs from Arthur's skin.
"How did you get that through security?" Ariadne asks, but Eames waves her off, mumbling, "You don't want to know, darling."
Yusuf has come over to Arthur, now hunched in one of the seats, and inspects the wound.
"We don't have much time before the venom takes effect. We need to get it out."
Already, Arthur looks worse for wear, his hair out of place and sticking to the thin layer of sweat now covering his forehead.
"So what," Cobb asks, looking around the small cabin, eyeing everyone else. "We have to suck the venom out or Arthur dies?"
Yusuf sighs.
"Yes."
Immediately Eames raises a hand, as if volunteering.
"I'll do it!"
Even half alive, Arthur is able to groan, "Of course you will."
The flight attendant hands Eames a cup and he flashes a smile before kneeling in front of Arthur.
"Now darling, remember this is for your own good," he soothes, before leaning in and latching his lips against the two pinpricks on the other man's neck.
Aridane, Cobb and Yusuf all look away, pretending this wasn't the most awkward thing they ever witnessed, but Saito continued to stare, eyebrow quirked.
"I knew those lips must have been good for something," he mumbles, earning a weird look from Ariadne, which he promptly ignores.
A few seconds later, Eames spits what is a gross mixture of blood and venom into the cup.
"Good as new, right?" he asks, turning to look at Yusuf, he avoids direct eye contact but nods.
"That should work. Now we just need a first aid kit-" A flight attendant hands him one, "-Excellent."
Cobb takes the kit from him and rummages through the contents, pulling out some disinfectant and a bandage, fixing up the wound and reaching up to pat lightly at Arthur's shoulder.
Arthur, for the most part, looks like he's seen better days, but smiles weakly.
"Thanks," he says, and rubs a hand across his face in agitation.
There's another beat of silence before Ariadne interrupts.
"Am I really going to have to be the one to ask why there was a poisonous snake inside the case?"
Saito looks up, worried.
"Could someone have found out about the plan?"
Eames' brow furrows.
"And they decided to retaliate by putting a snake inside our case? What a wonderful idea."
Cobb glares at him for the tone the forger has taken, but there's no time to formulate a response, because suddenly several screams are heard from the other cabin.
To cut a long story short, there were a lot of snakes on that plane. Like, everywhere. Turns out, someone found out Fischer was on the plane, some rival (other than Saito...who knew?) and decided their best option was to just fill the entire plane with snakes in the off chance they would kill Robert Fischer. Or you know, everyone on board.
Once Arthur is a little better recovered, he, Cobb and Eames arm up with makeshift weapons, busting through the cabin and killing the snakes. Every freaking snake they can find.
"Honestly," Eames says, rubbing a hand across his brow, "Who thought this was a good idea?"
Arthur sighs and tries to ignore him, when he hears a weird noise. Turning, he catches just the front of some snake as it tries to lunge at Eames.
"Eames! Look out!" he says, jumping to pull the other man out of the way, when suddenly, a dinner tray comes out of nowhere and thunks the snake out of the way. Once it's on the ground, the brandisher of the tray, Yusuf, steps on the snake's head, killing it.
"Thanks," Eames says, and Yusuf nods, taking his tray and heading down the aisle.
After a few seconds, Eames beams up at Arthur.
"You haven't let go of me yet, you know."
Arthur glares and releases the other man, giving him a shove for good measure.
Meanwhile, Cobb is making his way down another part of the plane when he hears a very familiar scream. He runs, hoping that Ariadne hasn't gotten hurt, when he bumps into her running his direction.
"What happened?" he asks, and she shakes her head and holds up her hands.
"I opened the door to the bathroom and a couple was having sex!" she says, like it was scandalous, and when Cobb doesn't react, she frowns.
"Oh, that wasn't the bad part. Some snakes came out of the plumbing and bit them both in horrible, horrible places."
The extractor just stands there, eyebrows raised, before Ariadne turns back around.
"I'm over it," she calls over her shoulder, and goes back to check on Fischer, who was left under Saito's care.
Yusuf takes the opportunity to tap on Cobb's shoulder.
"We should probably go under soon, we don't have much time."
Cobb sighs and looks at the few remaining snakes slithering around the plane.
"That is it!" he yells, and everyone stops and stares.
"I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!"
He pulls a gun from seemingly nowhere and proceeds to shoot and kill the remaining snakes, somehow miraculously avoiding killing any human or blowing a hole in the plane.
Everyone is stunned into silence, just standing there until Eames' holds up a hand.
"What did you just say?"
Cobb turns, glares, and points to some terrified kids huddled a few rows down from where they're standing.
"There are kids here," he says, as if this explains everything, before he turns to head back into the first class cabin.
"Now let's finish this job," he calls over his shoulder, prompting everyone else to follow him and resume their seats.
Arthur tugs the lines to everyone, but when he gets to Eames, he can't look him in the eye as he slides the needle into the other's skin.
"After the job I think we should join the Mile High Club," Eames leers, and Arthur has to bite his lip to prevent him from scoffing too loudly.
"You're out of your mind."
"Aw, but pet, I saw it in a movie once," he winks, and Arthur hits the button to recline the other's seat, making him fall back with a thunk.
"So you'll think about it then?" Eames asks, but Arthur has already laid back into his seat, eyes set resolutely at a nearby dead snake sitting on the ground, and absentmindedly, he touches the bandage on his neck.
Cobb looks at Yusuf and nods his head, letting him know they were all ready.
Before the flight attendant hits the button to start the drug, the chemist turns to her.
"You'll make sure no snakes attack us in our sleep, right?"
She nods as reassuringly as she can.
"Of course sir, after all, us Aussies know a thing or two about snakes."
Then, she pushes a button and everything goes black.
Rating: R for very strong language. Duh.
Characters/Pairings: Cobb, Ariadne, Arthur, Eames, Saito, Yusuf, Fischer (ish), random others
Summary: Snakes on a Plane meets Inception. With gay.
Warnings: Unbeta'd.
Notes: I filled my own prompt at the kink meme. I'm weird. Also, this is meant to be incredibly stupid. I only wrote it because I got this image in my head that made me laugh for sixty years. Literally.
Everything was going according to plan. Fischer was fast asleep in his seat, they were in the air on their way to LA, and everyone else was getting psyched for the job.
Once they were sure the mark was asleep, everyone stands up, ready for the flight attendant to bring the briefcase containing the wires and chemicals they needed. Something they've done hundreds of times before.
Except, this time, when Arthur opens up the case, a giant fucking snake jumps out and latches on to his neck.
"What the fuck!?" Arthur practically screams, staggering back, only to be caught by Cobb.
Ariadne waves her arms worriedly.
"What is going on?" she shrieks, but everyone is too preoccupied trying to figure out how to get the snake off of their point man.
From out of nowhere, Eames pulls out a switchblade, takes a hold of the snake, and cuts in half. Its jaw relaxes and they can wrench the fangs from Arthur's skin.
"How did you get that through security?" Ariadne asks, but Eames waves her off, mumbling, "You don't want to know, darling."
Yusuf has come over to Arthur, now hunched in one of the seats, and inspects the wound.
"We don't have much time before the venom takes effect. We need to get it out."
Already, Arthur looks worse for wear, his hair out of place and sticking to the thin layer of sweat now covering his forehead.
"So what," Cobb asks, looking around the small cabin, eyeing everyone else. "We have to suck the venom out or Arthur dies?"
Yusuf sighs.
"Yes."
Immediately Eames raises a hand, as if volunteering.
"I'll do it!"
Even half alive, Arthur is able to groan, "Of course you will."
The flight attendant hands Eames a cup and he flashes a smile before kneeling in front of Arthur.
"Now darling, remember this is for your own good," he soothes, before leaning in and latching his lips against the two pinpricks on the other man's neck.
Aridane, Cobb and Yusuf all look away, pretending this wasn't the most awkward thing they ever witnessed, but Saito continued to stare, eyebrow quirked.
"I knew those lips must have been good for something," he mumbles, earning a weird look from Ariadne, which he promptly ignores.
A few seconds later, Eames spits what is a gross mixture of blood and venom into the cup.
"Good as new, right?" he asks, turning to look at Yusuf, he avoids direct eye contact but nods.
"That should work. Now we just need a first aid kit-" A flight attendant hands him one, "-Excellent."
Cobb takes the kit from him and rummages through the contents, pulling out some disinfectant and a bandage, fixing up the wound and reaching up to pat lightly at Arthur's shoulder.
Arthur, for the most part, looks like he's seen better days, but smiles weakly.
"Thanks," he says, and rubs a hand across his face in agitation.
There's another beat of silence before Ariadne interrupts.
"Am I really going to have to be the one to ask why there was a poisonous snake inside the case?"
Saito looks up, worried.
"Could someone have found out about the plan?"
Eames' brow furrows.
"And they decided to retaliate by putting a snake inside our case? What a wonderful idea."
Cobb glares at him for the tone the forger has taken, but there's no time to formulate a response, because suddenly several screams are heard from the other cabin.
To cut a long story short, there were a lot of snakes on that plane. Like, everywhere. Turns out, someone found out Fischer was on the plane, some rival (other than Saito...who knew?) and decided their best option was to just fill the entire plane with snakes in the off chance they would kill Robert Fischer. Or you know, everyone on board.
Once Arthur is a little better recovered, he, Cobb and Eames arm up with makeshift weapons, busting through the cabin and killing the snakes. Every freaking snake they can find.
"Honestly," Eames says, rubbing a hand across his brow, "Who thought this was a good idea?"
Arthur sighs and tries to ignore him, when he hears a weird noise. Turning, he catches just the front of some snake as it tries to lunge at Eames.
"Eames! Look out!" he says, jumping to pull the other man out of the way, when suddenly, a dinner tray comes out of nowhere and thunks the snake out of the way. Once it's on the ground, the brandisher of the tray, Yusuf, steps on the snake's head, killing it.
"Thanks," Eames says, and Yusuf nods, taking his tray and heading down the aisle.
After a few seconds, Eames beams up at Arthur.
"You haven't let go of me yet, you know."
Arthur glares and releases the other man, giving him a shove for good measure.
Meanwhile, Cobb is making his way down another part of the plane when he hears a very familiar scream. He runs, hoping that Ariadne hasn't gotten hurt, when he bumps into her running his direction.
"What happened?" he asks, and she shakes her head and holds up her hands.
"I opened the door to the bathroom and a couple was having sex!" she says, like it was scandalous, and when Cobb doesn't react, she frowns.
"Oh, that wasn't the bad part. Some snakes came out of the plumbing and bit them both in horrible, horrible places."
The extractor just stands there, eyebrows raised, before Ariadne turns back around.
"I'm over it," she calls over her shoulder, and goes back to check on Fischer, who was left under Saito's care.
Yusuf takes the opportunity to tap on Cobb's shoulder.
"We should probably go under soon, we don't have much time."
Cobb sighs and looks at the few remaining snakes slithering around the plane.
"That is it!" he yells, and everyone stops and stares.
"I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!"
He pulls a gun from seemingly nowhere and proceeds to shoot and kill the remaining snakes, somehow miraculously avoiding killing any human or blowing a hole in the plane.
Everyone is stunned into silence, just standing there until Eames' holds up a hand.
"What did you just say?"
Cobb turns, glares, and points to some terrified kids huddled a few rows down from where they're standing.
"There are kids here," he says, as if this explains everything, before he turns to head back into the first class cabin.
"Now let's finish this job," he calls over his shoulder, prompting everyone else to follow him and resume their seats.
Arthur tugs the lines to everyone, but when he gets to Eames, he can't look him in the eye as he slides the needle into the other's skin.
"After the job I think we should join the Mile High Club," Eames leers, and Arthur has to bite his lip to prevent him from scoffing too loudly.
"You're out of your mind."
"Aw, but pet, I saw it in a movie once," he winks, and Arthur hits the button to recline the other's seat, making him fall back with a thunk.
"So you'll think about it then?" Eames asks, but Arthur has already laid back into his seat, eyes set resolutely at a nearby dead snake sitting on the ground, and absentmindedly, he touches the bandage on his neck.
Cobb looks at Yusuf and nods his head, letting him know they were all ready.
Before the flight attendant hits the button to start the drug, the chemist turns to her.
"You'll make sure no snakes attack us in our sleep, right?"
She nods as reassuringly as she can.
"Of course sir, after all, us Aussies know a thing or two about snakes."
Then, she pushes a button and everything goes black.