Yep, still saving my biggest emos for LJ, lol....
So I'm seeing two guys right now.
I was frickin devastated over Clint for quite awhile. Man he shattered my heart. I flipped back to his FB for a little while out of morbid curiosity. I don't anymore. After 1 month of dating he wound up losing his job and moving in with that new girlfriend of his. Now he's focused completely on the new record this year. I guess she works out better than me for him because I'm not the type of mom to let a guy move in like that. I don't have a house. I can't afford to support a starving artist. The way she goes out with him, takes him to the movies and goes to all his out of state shows, I wonder when she has time to actually be a mother to her kids! So I suppose I dodged a bullet there, especially with the fucked up mind games he tried to play with me. I caught him out with another woman while he was dating me, and told him to fuck off, but I hurt him so much?!? Whatever. It still crushed me for awhile though.
So I decided by the end of May to jump right back in to move on. Mid June I began talking to Patrick. I met him in person in early July, and it was a hot encounter at his house. We talk every other day, but I've only seen him the once. We've tried to get together twice, but it hasn't happened because either I was asleep when he texted to come out, or he was too tired. Poor Patty Bear (yes that's what I call him in my head, he doesn't know it, hee hee) works 50-60 hours a week. He makes me laugh, he's intelligent and he's a down to earth good guy, and very naughty. He gets me going and we send eachother hot videos all the time. He has amazing green eyes. I really like him. But, his profile said he was looking for dating and not anything serious, and he hasn't officially taken me out, so I don't dare push. I am staying away from the love idea. I just really like the guy a lot.
I met Mike last week. He seems really, really into me. He's good looking enough, not drop dead my type or anything. He likes a lot of old school things like older music, wrestling, etc. He's bright but not educated. He seems lost in life. He has a 14 yr old daughter that lives with her maternal grandmother and he sees her a couple times a week. He lives with his parents and he could not see me this weekend because his car broke down. Ugh! He thinks making $9.27 an hour is a good deal. He is sweet, and he really likes me and seems like he'd do anything for me. I enjoy talking to him and am a bit attracted to him. I could see dating him awhile, especially since I seem to not be able to physically be with Pat, but I don't see a future with Mike. A long time ago I would have thought sentiments like those were snobby and unfair. Money isn't everything. BUT, I learned the hard way that it says a lot about a person. And when you're in your late 30's and still that poor and lost...well.... I struggled financially when I was with Eric. It really sucked. I don't ever want to be the breadwinner of the couple ever again. I want to marry a man I can equally intellectual conversation with, I want a man who will take care of me and Maddie, not one I have to take care of like I did with Eric. After all I've been through, I want a smart and capable man. Mike, being 39 and living with his folks, going job to job and driving a 93 Pontiac is not that man. I'm not being a snob, I'm being practical and honest.
Is it unfair of me to want to see Mike, even if I know I'd never marry him or anything? I think at this point it is too soon to talk about that. Perhaps if he ever fell for me I'd have to let him go, because I don't think I could ever fall for him. I'd like to be able to share and talk and cuddle and whatnot, but I can't get serious with someone I make more money than even without my degree. He is not in school and doesn't seem to have any ambition to go and better himself and find a career. He works, but.... It's Pat I really want. I've made it clear to Pat that I want to see him again, and he says he wants to see me too. It feels right now like it is scheduling and whatnot... but I'm not going to chase him! But when I get a text, I hope it is Pat, but it turns out to be Mike. *sigh*
And yet if I met another one I'd go out with him, too.
The quest. The desire to be desired. Living for the moments. Looking to let men make me smile.
I want "the right man and happily ever after" but the gods have shown me over and over I am love's bitch, as Spike says. I have no control. So I'm just going with the flow and living in the moments. If love ever happens for me again, it will. No more rules, like I tried to play by with Clint. No more stupid labels like "friends with benefits" like I did with Scotty. No labels, no expectations, no "getting remarried" as the goal in mind. Just living and enjoying people.
I just wish I could spend more time with Patrick.
I was frickin devastated over Clint for quite awhile. Man he shattered my heart. I flipped back to his FB for a little while out of morbid curiosity. I don't anymore. After 1 month of dating he wound up losing his job and moving in with that new girlfriend of his. Now he's focused completely on the new record this year. I guess she works out better than me for him because I'm not the type of mom to let a guy move in like that. I don't have a house. I can't afford to support a starving artist. The way she goes out with him, takes him to the movies and goes to all his out of state shows, I wonder when she has time to actually be a mother to her kids! So I suppose I dodged a bullet there, especially with the fucked up mind games he tried to play with me. I caught him out with another woman while he was dating me, and told him to fuck off, but I hurt him so much?!? Whatever. It still crushed me for awhile though.
So I decided by the end of May to jump right back in to move on. Mid June I began talking to Patrick. I met him in person in early July, and it was a hot encounter at his house. We talk every other day, but I've only seen him the once. We've tried to get together twice, but it hasn't happened because either I was asleep when he texted to come out, or he was too tired. Poor Patty Bear (yes that's what I call him in my head, he doesn't know it, hee hee) works 50-60 hours a week. He makes me laugh, he's intelligent and he's a down to earth good guy, and very naughty. He gets me going and we send eachother hot videos all the time. He has amazing green eyes. I really like him. But, his profile said he was looking for dating and not anything serious, and he hasn't officially taken me out, so I don't dare push. I am staying away from the love idea. I just really like the guy a lot.
I met Mike last week. He seems really, really into me. He's good looking enough, not drop dead my type or anything. He likes a lot of old school things like older music, wrestling, etc. He's bright but not educated. He seems lost in life. He has a 14 yr old daughter that lives with her maternal grandmother and he sees her a couple times a week. He lives with his parents and he could not see me this weekend because his car broke down. Ugh! He thinks making $9.27 an hour is a good deal. He is sweet, and he really likes me and seems like he'd do anything for me. I enjoy talking to him and am a bit attracted to him. I could see dating him awhile, especially since I seem to not be able to physically be with Pat, but I don't see a future with Mike. A long time ago I would have thought sentiments like those were snobby and unfair. Money isn't everything. BUT, I learned the hard way that it says a lot about a person. And when you're in your late 30's and still that poor and lost...well.... I struggled financially when I was with Eric. It really sucked. I don't ever want to be the breadwinner of the couple ever again. I want to marry a man I can equally intellectual conversation with, I want a man who will take care of me and Maddie, not one I have to take care of like I did with Eric. After all I've been through, I want a smart and capable man. Mike, being 39 and living with his folks, going job to job and driving a 93 Pontiac is not that man. I'm not being a snob, I'm being practical and honest.
Is it unfair of me to want to see Mike, even if I know I'd never marry him or anything? I think at this point it is too soon to talk about that. Perhaps if he ever fell for me I'd have to let him go, because I don't think I could ever fall for him. I'd like to be able to share and talk and cuddle and whatnot, but I can't get serious with someone I make more money than even without my degree. He is not in school and doesn't seem to have any ambition to go and better himself and find a career. He works, but.... It's Pat I really want. I've made it clear to Pat that I want to see him again, and he says he wants to see me too. It feels right now like it is scheduling and whatnot... but I'm not going to chase him! But when I get a text, I hope it is Pat, but it turns out to be Mike. *sigh*
And yet if I met another one I'd go out with him, too.
The quest. The desire to be desired. Living for the moments. Looking to let men make me smile.
I want "the right man and happily ever after" but the gods have shown me over and over I am love's bitch, as Spike says. I have no control. So I'm just going with the flow and living in the moments. If love ever happens for me again, it will. No more rules, like I tried to play by with Clint. No more stupid labels like "friends with benefits" like I did with Scotty. No labels, no expectations, no "getting remarried" as the goal in mind. Just living and enjoying people.
I just wish I could spend more time with Patrick.