I won't lose myself again.
What is wrong with me?
Do I do this to myself? Am I the reason that I feel the things that I do? The reason that I do the things that I do?
I sleep all the fucking time. I hate it. I sleep at least twelve hours every night; last night I slept thirteen. And I woke up at 3:30pm and just cried. I wasn't even particularly sad. I just felt like I really needed a good cry. So, I had one.
I talked to Sav and told him that I felt like I was going crazy. He listened to me vent and told me that he loves me. Oddly enough, it really did help.
Sometimes I really do feel fucking INSANE. Like I did when I woke up today. I wanted to cry and cry, but I didn't really feel sad. I felt numb. I felt like my mind was dying. I really would much rather feel depressed than feel void of emotion. I LIKE to feel. Is that so wrong?
I actually talked to my parents about it. My mother feels very empathetic for me and told me that I "shouldn't have to live this way." She told me to call my psychiatrist and get an appointment - that maybe it's my medication. Maybe it is, but I've been on this one for quite a while, so why would I just now be feeling this way? And I honestly am at the point where I am SO sick of medicine. I don't want to be prescribed to anything else. I've already been on seven or eight different anti-depression/anti-anxiety medicines that I don't think I could stand being on another one.
Yet, I recently tried not being on any medicine at all, and that made me pretty depressed. But I'd rather be depressed than numb. Oh God...my mind just keeps running in circles.
I want to feel ALIVE. Mentally, physically, emotionally alive. I want to feel FREE. Right now I feel so trapped inside of myself. I want to stop running away. I want to stop chasing.
I had quite a few nightmares last night. And in every single one of them, I was running away from something/someone. I felt so afraid.
Dreammoods says, "To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears."
And in one particular nightmare, Sav was with me. He was running with me away from something bad. Most of the time he was in front of me. It was like I was running away from the bad thing and running after him at the same time.
I haven't cut myself in two weeks. I'm very proud of myself for that. There have been several times where I just thought I HAD to do it, but somehow still resisted. It is a constant struggle, but I know that it will get easier as time passes. I am doing all the right things right now. Trying to be as good to myself as I can.
So why do I feel so...void?