Tears of the Men
He hummed as he walked along the street, feeling the sand under his feet. He smiled happily at being able to walk as he pleased. But he was a bit worried. Where were the men that were always with him? Those nice men that held him when the noises became too loud. That were always there asking how he was feeling. Most of the time, they were sad. Sad and angry. But as soon as he asked, they smiled again, told him that they were fine.
He sighed. He knew that they were sad because of him. He just didn’t know why. His thoughts were interrupted by a woman screaming angrily.
”Ezra Standish what are you doing in that unspeakable outfit?!”
He looked around for the poor man that she was screaming at and he yelped when all of a sudden she was beside him grabbing his arm.
”Don’t you dare ignoring me when I’m talking to you!” She yelled and he felt his heart pound in fear as he tried to take back his arm from her grip. She wouldn’t let go. He started breathing quickly, tears started to dwell in his eyes of fear.
”Let go of him Maude!” He heard the leader snap angrily. ”You’re scaring him,”
”I’m his mother, why would he…” The woman snarled when he screamed, hoping to get her to let him go, and she did in sheer surprise.
The leader was beside him, putting his arms around him like he did when the noises came. The leader hushed gently as he made small frustrated sounds, shivering badly.
”Its okay, you’re okay. I won’t let anyone hurt you,” The leader promised. ”Josiah, get her out of here. NOW,” The leader snapped over his head to the Preacher man.
”But, he’s my son,” The woman now said weakly.
”Who you just scared half to death, even though we’ve sent you dozens of telegrams about what happened and that things are different now. You’re not getting close to him right now,” The leader snarled. He flinched and the Leader hugged him gently to let him know that he was not angry with him.
”I’ll take him,” The Tracker said calmly as he felt his touch on his arm. ”We’re gonna be just fine, aren’t we Pard?”
He decided to dare have a look, lifting his face from the Leader’s chest carefully looking at the Tracker. He whimpered when he spotted the woman still standing there, hiding his face again in the welcoming embrace of the Leader.
”Easy Pard,” The Tracker soothed. ”It’s okay, we’re all here now. Wont let anyone hurt you,” He promised as well. ”What do you say you and me go and play some catch?”
”Play?” He asked, the question muffled, still not looking up. That woman scared him.
”Yeah Buddy,” The Leader said, the gentle smile was heard in his voice. ”Why don’t you go with Vin, and he and JD can play with you?”
He looked up from the Leader’s face and looked for Young. He spotted him standing behind Vin, glaring at the yelling lady.
”We can play catch?” He asked eagerly.
”Yeah Ez, we can,” The Tracker confirmed, smile appearing on his face.
He let out a whoop of joy and let go of the Leader before hesitating.
”She likes to yell,” He warned the Leader.
”I know,”
”Don’t want her to make you scared,” He frowned worriedly.
”It’s okay Ezra, I have Josiah, Buck and Nathan to back me up,” The Leader assured.
Preacher, Ladies Man and Healer nodded towards him.
”It’s alright Buddy,” The Ladies man told him. ”You go and play now, we’ll handle the yelling lady,”
He nodded a shy smile, Ladies man never made a promise that he didn’t keep.
He ignored the yelling lady as he walked off with Young and Tracker.
”She made me scared,” He confided as soon as they were out of hearing range. ”She was yelling and grabbing my arm,”
”I know, it’s okay. We got there in time,” Young assured him, patting him on the offended arm in question.
”Why was she yelling at me?” He asked them.
”Uhm,” The Tracker hesitated.
”She knew you once,” Young took over.
He frowned. He couldn’t remember the yelling lady. She’d never been there holding him when the noises became loud. She never asked him how he was feeling or looked sad and then tried to look happy as he saw it just so he wouldn’t get upset. She never played with him like the men had.
”She knew me before I got wrong?” He asked and saw them flinch.
”I don’t want to hear you say that,” The Tracker stopped their walk to look at him sternly.
”But I’m wrong, broken,” He said again. ”It’s hard for you, trying to hide, but I can see. Because of me, you’re sad. All of you,”
”Oh Ez,” The Tracker choked and he saw the familiar look of tears that he so often identified in the men’s eyes.
”It’s okay,” He told him. ”I understand. You gave up everything you had to find me, you found me broken. It’s hard for you,” Then he felt his under lip quiver, fear dwelling within him that the men didn’t really like him. ”You gave up everything you had,”
The Tracker grabbed him before Young that tried to reach for him as well.
”Ezra,” The Tracker grabbed his face in his hands. ”Everything we have,” He let his right hand slide down to rest over his pounding heart. ”Is right here,”
He found himself look at the tracker in wonder, sensing the truth behind the words.
”He speaks for all of us,” The Young told him, not hiding his tears. Young was always like that, honest with what he felt in his heart.
”You won’t ever leave me?” He asked them to make sure that he knew what they were saying.
”No, you’re not getting rid of us that easy Ez,”
He nodded over the words before hesitantly hugging the Tracker. He didn’t usually hesitate over their comfort, but this time he did.
”You make me feel good,” He informed. ”All tingly and happy inside. I want that for you to, not sad, no tears, and no anger over the shadows that made me wrong,” He stopped the Tracker’s protest by putting his hand on his mouth. ”I was wrong before, I’m wrong now.” He remembered now, vivid images that were horrifying, and the voices in his head became louder, whispers echoing, trying to say so much. ”Because of the shadows,” He whispered. ”The endless shadows that gives so much pain and suffering. Not even the voices knew how to stop them, couldn’t stop my pain.” He pushed the voices away with a straining effort before looking up at the worried eyes of the Tracker and The Young. ”Neither could you,” He told, hoping to make them see the truth. He saw them flinch and guilt echoed over their features. ”The voices tell me; you tried to be your best. It just happened. No one to blame, No one’s shame, except the shadows,”
”Ezra...” The Young whispered painfully.
”No! The shadows fault. Not yours, don’t be sad, please?”
The Tracker hesitated before he sat down on the ground beside him. When did he decide to sit down on the ground? He did not remember. The voices could sometimes bring him places he didn’t remember walking. He shrugged.
”Ezra, we can not promise to never be sad when we think of what happened to you, how we almost lost you. But we can do our best to put it behind us. But it will take time.”
”Time is just numbers that people chase and turns them mad when they can not take it,” He shook his head. Honestly, he had to explain everything to these men. You could not take time. That was just dumb.
The Tracker smiled through his pain that shone so brightly that he could almost touch it.
”Time means that it’s going to take many turns of the sun and the moon, do you understand it?”
He frowned. It sounded like he meant a lot of turns.
”Like 42 turns?” He asked before adding cheerfully. ”Because that is the answer to Life, Universe and Everything,”
”What?” The Tracker and The Young asked baffled.
He shook his head. The voices had told him that, but it didn’t seem like the Tracker and the Young knew what he was saying. Oh well. He giggled before touching the two men on the shoulder exclaiming. ”You can never catch me, to fast,”
As he ran down the street with the two men behind him, he laughed.
The men weren’t sad now. Playing catch helped.
He told the voices to tell him about that if he forgot.
The voices were amused, but they all promised.
He hummed happily as he ducked under Young’s flying hand to touch him and giggled when he fell into the trap of The Tracker that caught him and tickled him.
Fin
He sighed. He knew that they were sad because of him. He just didn’t know why. His thoughts were interrupted by a woman screaming angrily.
”Ezra Standish what are you doing in that unspeakable outfit?!”
He looked around for the poor man that she was screaming at and he yelped when all of a sudden she was beside him grabbing his arm.
”Don’t you dare ignoring me when I’m talking to you!” She yelled and he felt his heart pound in fear as he tried to take back his arm from her grip. She wouldn’t let go. He started breathing quickly, tears started to dwell in his eyes of fear.
”Let go of him Maude!” He heard the leader snap angrily. ”You’re scaring him,”
”I’m his mother, why would he…” The woman snarled when he screamed, hoping to get her to let him go, and she did in sheer surprise.
The leader was beside him, putting his arms around him like he did when the noises came. The leader hushed gently as he made small frustrated sounds, shivering badly.
”Its okay, you’re okay. I won’t let anyone hurt you,” The leader promised. ”Josiah, get her out of here. NOW,” The leader snapped over his head to the Preacher man.
”But, he’s my son,” The woman now said weakly.
”Who you just scared half to death, even though we’ve sent you dozens of telegrams about what happened and that things are different now. You’re not getting close to him right now,” The leader snarled. He flinched and the Leader hugged him gently to let him know that he was not angry with him.
”I’ll take him,” The Tracker said calmly as he felt his touch on his arm. ”We’re gonna be just fine, aren’t we Pard?”
He decided to dare have a look, lifting his face from the Leader’s chest carefully looking at the Tracker. He whimpered when he spotted the woman still standing there, hiding his face again in the welcoming embrace of the Leader.
”Easy Pard,” The Tracker soothed. ”It’s okay, we’re all here now. Wont let anyone hurt you,” He promised as well. ”What do you say you and me go and play some catch?”
”Play?” He asked, the question muffled, still not looking up. That woman scared him.
”Yeah Buddy,” The Leader said, the gentle smile was heard in his voice. ”Why don’t you go with Vin, and he and JD can play with you?”
He looked up from the Leader’s face and looked for Young. He spotted him standing behind Vin, glaring at the yelling lady.
”We can play catch?” He asked eagerly.
”Yeah Ez, we can,” The Tracker confirmed, smile appearing on his face.
He let out a whoop of joy and let go of the Leader before hesitating.
”She likes to yell,” He warned the Leader.
”I know,”
”Don’t want her to make you scared,” He frowned worriedly.
”It’s okay Ezra, I have Josiah, Buck and Nathan to back me up,” The Leader assured.
Preacher, Ladies Man and Healer nodded towards him.
”It’s alright Buddy,” The Ladies man told him. ”You go and play now, we’ll handle the yelling lady,”
He nodded a shy smile, Ladies man never made a promise that he didn’t keep.
He ignored the yelling lady as he walked off with Young and Tracker.
”She made me scared,” He confided as soon as they were out of hearing range. ”She was yelling and grabbing my arm,”
”I know, it’s okay. We got there in time,” Young assured him, patting him on the offended arm in question.
”Why was she yelling at me?” He asked them.
”Uhm,” The Tracker hesitated.
”She knew you once,” Young took over.
He frowned. He couldn’t remember the yelling lady. She’d never been there holding him when the noises became loud. She never asked him how he was feeling or looked sad and then tried to look happy as he saw it just so he wouldn’t get upset. She never played with him like the men had.
”She knew me before I got wrong?” He asked and saw them flinch.
”I don’t want to hear you say that,” The Tracker stopped their walk to look at him sternly.
”But I’m wrong, broken,” He said again. ”It’s hard for you, trying to hide, but I can see. Because of me, you’re sad. All of you,”
”Oh Ez,” The Tracker choked and he saw the familiar look of tears that he so often identified in the men’s eyes.
”It’s okay,” He told him. ”I understand. You gave up everything you had to find me, you found me broken. It’s hard for you,” Then he felt his under lip quiver, fear dwelling within him that the men didn’t really like him. ”You gave up everything you had,”
The Tracker grabbed him before Young that tried to reach for him as well.
”Ezra,” The Tracker grabbed his face in his hands. ”Everything we have,” He let his right hand slide down to rest over his pounding heart. ”Is right here,”
He found himself look at the tracker in wonder, sensing the truth behind the words.
”He speaks for all of us,” The Young told him, not hiding his tears. Young was always like that, honest with what he felt in his heart.
”You won’t ever leave me?” He asked them to make sure that he knew what they were saying.
”No, you’re not getting rid of us that easy Ez,”
He nodded over the words before hesitantly hugging the Tracker. He didn’t usually hesitate over their comfort, but this time he did.
”You make me feel good,” He informed. ”All tingly and happy inside. I want that for you to, not sad, no tears, and no anger over the shadows that made me wrong,” He stopped the Tracker’s protest by putting his hand on his mouth. ”I was wrong before, I’m wrong now.” He remembered now, vivid images that were horrifying, and the voices in his head became louder, whispers echoing, trying to say so much. ”Because of the shadows,” He whispered. ”The endless shadows that gives so much pain and suffering. Not even the voices knew how to stop them, couldn’t stop my pain.” He pushed the voices away with a straining effort before looking up at the worried eyes of the Tracker and The Young. ”Neither could you,” He told, hoping to make them see the truth. He saw them flinch and guilt echoed over their features. ”The voices tell me; you tried to be your best. It just happened. No one to blame, No one’s shame, except the shadows,”
”Ezra...” The Young whispered painfully.
”No! The shadows fault. Not yours, don’t be sad, please?”
The Tracker hesitated before he sat down on the ground beside him. When did he decide to sit down on the ground? He did not remember. The voices could sometimes bring him places he didn’t remember walking. He shrugged.
”Ezra, we can not promise to never be sad when we think of what happened to you, how we almost lost you. But we can do our best to put it behind us. But it will take time.”
”Time is just numbers that people chase and turns them mad when they can not take it,” He shook his head. Honestly, he had to explain everything to these men. You could not take time. That was just dumb.
The Tracker smiled through his pain that shone so brightly that he could almost touch it.
”Time means that it’s going to take many turns of the sun and the moon, do you understand it?”
He frowned. It sounded like he meant a lot of turns.
”Like 42 turns?” He asked before adding cheerfully. ”Because that is the answer to Life, Universe and Everything,”
”What?” The Tracker and The Young asked baffled.
He shook his head. The voices had told him that, but it didn’t seem like the Tracker and the Young knew what he was saying. Oh well. He giggled before touching the two men on the shoulder exclaiming. ”You can never catch me, to fast,”
As he ran down the street with the two men behind him, he laughed.
The men weren’t sad now. Playing catch helped.
He told the voices to tell him about that if he forgot.
The voices were amused, but they all promised.
He hummed happily as he ducked under Young’s flying hand to touch him and giggled when he fell into the trap of The Tracker that caught him and tickled him.
Fin