Letters to the 21st Century - Number 1
My flat is infested with Catholics.
Irish ones I think from the noise late at night and the fact that they keep breaking into my drinks cabinet.
I don't know how they got in here, I'm guessing the Trisexual triad next door got infested last time they ordered pizza from that Proximan place. They never clean up after themselves and the Proximan's view filth as holy so have dispensation not to follow health and safety. Hey, some people like to live dangerously I guess.
Anyway, now my house is infested with Catholics as well.
I bought some traps and laid them out, caught one the other night and it sort of freaked me out. There it was, this little homunculus creature with red fur, strangely human looking with half it's guts squeezed out of it's arse from the snap of the trap.
Freakish.
It was still alive when I found it, twitching and praying in very poor latin.
I had to stove it's head in with my boot and toss it in the trash.
I wish they weren't so human looking.
I blame you people, if Pope Erasmus hadn't gotten so keen on genetic engineering these pests wouldn't be drinking my good booze and eating me out of house and home. These little fuckers have thumbs, they get into everything.
I guess it all started when the church changed it's tune on the ethics of genetic research. The faithful were getting left behind, out-evolved in the genetic arms race to the atheists, humanists, transhumanists and the other forward thinking people. Here we were all getting extended lifespans, advanced immune systems, better intelligence and all of that while the faithful were carking it of AIDs and still failing to move far beyond our grunting ancestors hitting each other with bone clubs.
So Erasmus embraced genetics but this being religion got it all fucked up.
Be fruitful and multiply says the good book, so they made themselves fecund in the extreme.
They still wouldn't touch contraception so they boosted their immune systems. Seriously, you can't really poison these buggers and there's no miracle disease we can spread to wipe them out.
They decided intellect was a curse, made man question God's existence or role in the universe, so they cut it down. Ignorance was bliss.
And they bred, dear god did they breed.
They got more fecund, smaller, more ignorant.
Now they're about the size of rats and about as smart as the raccoons and foxes they supplanted. They're born pregnant and they seem to carry the faith by genetic memory. Weirdly human looking little creatures that can talk and, disturbingly, read.
Doesn't mean they're not pests though.
The exterminator is coming tomorrow. He used to use fembots but said that the critters found it too humane. Dropping dead without fear and terror seems to disturb them more than anything else, so he's going to use fire. Says it fits their belief system somehow.
Screw it, the blockwomb can extrude me a new office in a couple of hours anyway.
Burn you little fuckers.
Irish ones I think from the noise late at night and the fact that they keep breaking into my drinks cabinet.
I don't know how they got in here, I'm guessing the Trisexual triad next door got infested last time they ordered pizza from that Proximan place. They never clean up after themselves and the Proximan's view filth as holy so have dispensation not to follow health and safety. Hey, some people like to live dangerously I guess.
Anyway, now my house is infested with Catholics as well.
I bought some traps and laid them out, caught one the other night and it sort of freaked me out. There it was, this little homunculus creature with red fur, strangely human looking with half it's guts squeezed out of it's arse from the snap of the trap.
Freakish.
It was still alive when I found it, twitching and praying in very poor latin.
I had to stove it's head in with my boot and toss it in the trash.
I wish they weren't so human looking.
I blame you people, if Pope Erasmus hadn't gotten so keen on genetic engineering these pests wouldn't be drinking my good booze and eating me out of house and home. These little fuckers have thumbs, they get into everything.
I guess it all started when the church changed it's tune on the ethics of genetic research. The faithful were getting left behind, out-evolved in the genetic arms race to the atheists, humanists, transhumanists and the other forward thinking people. Here we were all getting extended lifespans, advanced immune systems, better intelligence and all of that while the faithful were carking it of AIDs and still failing to move far beyond our grunting ancestors hitting each other with bone clubs.
So Erasmus embraced genetics but this being religion got it all fucked up.
Be fruitful and multiply says the good book, so they made themselves fecund in the extreme.
They still wouldn't touch contraception so they boosted their immune systems. Seriously, you can't really poison these buggers and there's no miracle disease we can spread to wipe them out.
They decided intellect was a curse, made man question God's existence or role in the universe, so they cut it down. Ignorance was bliss.
And they bred, dear god did they breed.
They got more fecund, smaller, more ignorant.
Now they're about the size of rats and about as smart as the raccoons and foxes they supplanted. They're born pregnant and they seem to carry the faith by genetic memory. Weirdly human looking little creatures that can talk and, disturbingly, read.
Doesn't mean they're not pests though.
The exterminator is coming tomorrow. He used to use fembots but said that the critters found it too humane. Dropping dead without fear and terror seems to disturb them more than anything else, so he's going to use fire. Says it fits their belief system somehow.
Screw it, the blockwomb can extrude me a new office in a couple of hours anyway.
Burn you little fuckers.