"Darkest Before Dawn" Chapter 4/8 (B/G)
Wow. I spent waaaaaay too long working on this. I have an essay and a creative writing assignment to work on. But no, I spent the past couple of days working on this chapter.
Please comment extensively so that I don't feel like it was a waste of time. I am in dire need of validation. Thank you.
I could have broken it up into smaller chapters, I guess, but I planned the story so that each chapter has its own arc, and I want to stick to that.
Darkest Before Dawn
Rating: PG 15
Genre: Angst, Romance
Ship: Buffy/Giles, and canon ships, notably Giles/Olivia and Buffy/Riley
Characters: Buffy and Giles. Also, (in no particular order) Willow, Spike, Olivia, Dawn, Riley, Joyce, Xander and Anya. And a wee bit of Jonathan.
Summary: Follow-up to "After the Ball." Buffy and Giles slept together. Giles has issues about it. Much angst ensues. And I mean MUCH. Really. Will they ever be able to repair their relationship? Am I capable of writing a happy ending? Let's find out... Starts at somewhere around "Something Blue" in the canon timeline, and will probably go until late season 5.
Disclaimer: I like playing with other people's broken toys. These ones belong to Joss Whedon. They bring me no profit. Just fun.
Disclaimer: There are two issues on which my opinion is very adamantly neutral: the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and abortion. If any of the characters in this story say or do anything that may be construed as expressing a particular viewpoint on either of those topics, that viewpoint is not my own, and is not intended to offend anyone. It's just what I think the characters would say/do in the situations I put them in.
Feedback: Will make me love you forever.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
When Riley walked Buffy back to her room after the party, he linked his arm with hers. Buffy thought it old-fashioned and charming.
"You have some really great friends," he was saying.
"I know."
"And It was nice to meet Mr. Giles. Are he and your mom...?" Riley asked conversationally.
"What?" It was a moment before Buffy realized what Riley was asking. "Oh. No. I mean, they did kinda have a thing but that was... They're just friends. Kind of."
"I just thought, 'cause you said he was like a dad."
"No, he's, um, h-he's my watcher. Part of the slayer package, free mentor included."
"Oh. Neat. Am I going to meet your mother soon?"
Buffy looked at Riley skeptically. He sounded almost eager. "You want to?"
"Yeah. I do," he said sincerely. They reached Buffy's door and stopped outside. "And, you know, if you ever feel like seeing the great state of Iowa, you're invited the next time I go home. It's not completely boring. I think you'd like my folks, and I'd really like them to meet you..." Riley trailed off, seeing Buffy bite her lip and bow her head. "Hey, what's the matter?"
"I don't deserve you," she murmured, not raising her head to meet his eyes.
Riley laughed. "What? Don't be stupid."
"You're a better person than me."
"Where'd you get that idea?"
Buffy opened her mouth to speak a few times, and changed her mind. "I don't know," she finally said.
Riley was studying her face seriously now. There were tears running down it. "Buffy, you're the best person I know, that I've ever known. I don't know what's gotten into you, but if you think you did something wrong, it won't change that. You're that far ahead of everybody else."
"What if I did do something really, really bad?" Buffy spoke so quietly, Riley could barely hear her.
"No," he said with conviction. "I don't think you ever could, not really bad. You'd never want to hurt anybody, would you? Never have malicious intent."
Buffy raised her head a little, she seemed to be considering what he was saying.
"And even if you did, I don't think it would change what I think of you," he continued seriously. "Whatever you do, you still have the truest heart of anyone I've ever known."
Buffy looked up at his face, studying it for any signs of uncertainty or insincerity and finding none. "I love you."
The next night Willow had a sleep-over/spell session with her friend from the wicca group. Riley spent the night with Buffy.
***
Giles knocked on Buffy's door. He hoped she wouldn't be annoyed with him calling on her so early, but he wanted to catch her before she left for class.
"Giles. Something wrong?" She said upon opening the door.
"Nothing urgent, yet. Um..."
Buffy wasn't letting him in.
Riley appeared behind her. "Morning Mr. Giles," he said pleasantly. "Are there HSTs afoot?"
"Uh," Giles kicked himself mentally for not waiting until afternoon. "Perhaps. What?"
"Hostile Sub-Terrestrials. Official government designation for demons."
"Ah. Yes." Giles nodded. He noticed that Riley's outfit and what he could see of the bedclothes were very neat, and he relaxed a little, though his embarassment was soon replaced with a twinge of suspicion he couldn't help feeling towards Riley, in light of the information he had just recently heard from Ethan Rayne. "Willow told me about your involvement with, um, that organiztion."
"Hey Giles."
Giles turned around and saw Willow standing there with a backpack and a rolled-up sleeping bag under her arm.
"You guys talking about me?"
"Tangentally," Giles said.
"More of a monster talk," Buffy elaborated.
"Ooh, we've got monsters?"
"Um, not monsters per se..."
"Well, let's take this party inside," Willow said, making her way past Buffy and into her room. "C'mon in," she said to Giles, and he followed her.
"How was the wicca p.j. party?" Buffy asked as Willow dropped her sleeping bag and backpack onto the floor by her bed.
"Spelltacular. Hi Riley."
"Good morning Willow."
"Hey, hospital corners," Willow said, pointing to Buffy's bed and giving her a funny look. "That's obsessive-compulsive."
Buffy subtley raised an eyebrow at her friend.
One could see the cogs working in Willow's mind as her eyes travelled from Buffy, to Riley, to the bed. "Or maybe barracks-like." She bit back a smile.
Giles was staring very hard at the floor, trying to not think about hospital corners and wishing very much that he had waited until the afternoon to come by.
"Hey, I was just going to go on a coffee and muffin run. Can I get you guys anything?" Riley offered.
"Ooh! Mocha please."
Riley nodded in confirmation and turned to Giles. "Mr. Giles?"
"These things never take that long," Buffy answered for him. "Don't bother."
"Thanks for offering," Giles added with a weak smile.
After Riley left, Buffy crossed her arms and turned to Giles. "So, why the house call? We got trouble?"
"With a capital 'T?'" Willow added.
Giles inclined his head towards her. "And that rhymes with 'E'"
"And that stands for...?"
"Ethan Rayne. I, uh, ran into him last night..."
"What's he got up his sleazy sleeve this time?" Buffy asked.
"Um, nothing, from what I could discern. We went for drinks, actually, w-without the, um, actual, uh, drinking on my side, of course, since, uh..." Giles trailed off awkwardly. Buffy was looking at him impatiently. "Well, he had some information."
"Legitimate information?" Buffy asked incredulously.
"Ostensibly. He said there were rumours in the, um, underworld, about something that's harming demons that's not the Slayer..."
"The Initiative?" Willow asked.
"Most likely." Giles nodded. "They've got the demons running scared, admirably, but they're also fueling malcontent. Their, uh, practices are allegedly throwing the magical world off balance. He said there's a conflict building. There's especially apprehension surrounding something called 314."
Willow raised her eyebrows in interest. "A code-name?"
"Perhaps. Ethan is far from a reliable source, but I'm not sure he's wrong about this."
"Sounds like it merits investigation."
"Yeah. Maybe. But why couldn't this info be relayed by phone?" Buffy asked bluntly.
Giles was taken aback. He had come to see her in person in the hope that she would be as conciliatory as she had been before her party, and if not, he would ask her what he had done wrong. But he didn't ask that. "Uh, well, I-I-I was in the area, a-and..."
"Giles, the whole town is in the area. I don't want you hanging around here. It looks weird."
Giles just stared at Buffy for a moment, hurt evident on his face. Then he blinked and looked away. "Uh, r-right. Sorry." He nodded goodbye to Willow and promptly left the room, his head bowed and his shoulders hunched in embarassment.
Willow was shocked by her friend's behaviour. "That was really harsh."
Buffy's face was expressionless. "He deserves it."
***
It was always the same.
She was strapped down. Trapped. She couldn't feel her body. The flourescent lights were harsh. She could hear people, murmuring, but couldn't make out what they were saying. She could hear the hum of an electric motor, and couldn't see where it was coming from. She didn't want to see it. She heard a voice near her, a voice slick with uncaring comfort. The speaker leaned over her, she could see his face, and she wondered why he wasn't wearing a surgical mask before she realized he was a vampire, and then he was already biting her. She felt her blood being drained away.
She was floating, suspended in air that was heavy with age. From the thick darkness that surrounded her indistinct shapes emerged that became men in long robes with turned up hoods. They were chanting in a weird language, nasal and guttural at the same time. She could feel the chant resonating in her bones.
She was engulfed in light, being burned from the inside by a terrible fire. She had never felt more alive. In that moment she felt perfect and like everything would be all right.
Then she was back under the flourescent lights again and she couldn't feel at all. She overheard one of the voices say, "Tenth girl in a row. You owe me five bucks."
This time the dream had a new ending.
A white, floating bedsheet. Her own room, in her own house. And there was Faith. They were making her bed together like sisters.
"I had forgotten how good they smell," Buffy said.
"What?"
"Clean sheets. Like summer..."
***
"Well, don't worry about it. I'll patrol tonight. As long as it takes. You guys have your fun. I'll be out there doing my job," Buffy said.
For the first time in a month, she and Giles had met, and she hadn't said anything painfully cutting to him. He noticed this, but didn't allow himself to hope that it meant they were back on the track to reconciliation. She was probably just distracted by her ordeal with Faith and had forgotten to make a point of insulting him. At any rate, Giles had been working himself up to doing this, and he was going to go through with it.
"Buffy, uh, c-c-can I, uh, a-actually h-have a, uh, word w-with you, um, alone?"
"S-s-sure Giles," she replied with a quizzical look.
Willow, Xander and Anya said their goodbyes and filed out. Buffy ordered them with aggressive cheerfulness to "have fun" one last time before the door closed. Then she turned to Giles.
"What's the what?" she asked.
Giles took a breath and asked her straight out, "Do you want me to leave?"
Buffy stared at him. "What makes you think I want that?" She finally asked.
"I don't know what else you could want from me," he said, sounding helpless. "I would do anything you want, and I'll stay as long as I can be of some use to you, but you obviously can't stand to have me around, so I don't see the point."
Buffy nodded. "Why do you think I'm like that?" she asked carefully.
He blinked, somewhat surprised by her question and shrugged. "I-I don't know. I thought we were getting better, approaching normalcy again." He paused thoughtfully before continuing. "If now that you're with Riley and you want to forget completely, if my being here reminds you, I wouldn't blame you for wanting me gone. I just want to know."
"Forget?" Buffy frowned in confusion. Then her eyes widened for a moment and Giles could almost swear that she looked like she was fighting back a laugh. "I don't want to forget," she said.
"What?"
"You're right." Buffy nodded. "That Riley totally messed me up. 'Cause, you know, it's not like I don't like Riley, I mean, hello beefcake." She smirked. Then her expression became completely serious. She dropped her head and looked at Giles intensely from underneath her eyelashes. "But it's nothing like how I feel about you."
"What?" Giles seemed frozen.
Buffy was slowly coming towards him, a predatory smile playing on her lips. "You're my watcher."
Giles backed away from her, looking at her suspiciously. "Um, y-yes, I am aware of that."
"You'd do anything for me..." Her eyes were travelling all over him; she was studying him with a self-satisfied look on her face, like he was a present for her, a new toy. "'Cause I'm Buffy."
He felt the back of his legs hit the armchair. She kept coming towards him until she was standing so close he could feel her chest rise and fall with each breath. His own breathing was shallow. She slowly ran her hands up his chest. He was sure his heart rate was speeding up.
He was very confused. "Wh-what are you doing?"
She looked up at him with big, doe eyes. "I was confused before. If I freaked out and was mean to you, I 'm sorry." She pushed him back into the chair and straddled his lap, her knees on either side of his hips. "I want to make it up to you."
His eyes were wide with shock. "You don't..." he started before she tore off his glasses and tossed them onto the couch. "Um, don't--"
She kissed him, hungrily, violently. He didn't try to fight her, and he couldn't have if he wanted to.
"I don't want to make the same mistake again," he said as soon as he got the chance to breathe.
"Oh, did I make you guilty?" She shook her head as if she couldn't believe herself. "Isn't that just like me?"
Giles just looked confusedly back.
She smiled. "Hey, no worries, watcher-mine." She went for his neck, his ear. He moaned a little despite himself. She whispered to him, "It's not your mistake to make. I'm the slayer." She pulled back from him, her eyes flashing. "You can't make me do anything." She straightened her posture so that she was looking down at him, looking him over like she was imagining all sorts of possibilities. "There's not a thing I can't make you do."
For that moment he was frightened by her. Then she was kissing him again.
He thought she was like the ocean, how she never stopped moving; no part of her was ever still, and he was getting caught up in her; in kissing her; in the feel of her body.
"You'd do anything for me, right?" she said between kisses.
"Mm hm..." Then he seemed to come back to himself. He pulled back from her as much as he could and looked at her gravely. "But i-i-it's..."
"Wh-wh-what?" She cocked her head at him. "It's wrong?"
Giles nodded, though he was looking at her like he was dearly hoping she would say she didn't care.
"Oh yeah." Buffy pouted. She leaned away from him and sighed petulantly. "Well, too bad." She got off him and headed for the door. "Catch you later!" she called back casually before she left.
Giles stayed in a shocked silence, completely still, for a good five minutes. Then he went to the phone and called Willow. He got her answering machine.
"Hello, Willow. This is Giles, please call me as soon as you get the chance. I'm, uh, I-I'm concerned about Buffy. I don't think she's, uh, quite herself."
*
Buffy stood outside the church by herself. She was waiting for Riley, who was helping the emergency teams check on all the parishioners. She heard footsteps behind her. She knew they were Giles', she recognized them. She didn't turn around, even when he spoke.
"How are you feeling?" he asked carefully.
"Icky."
"I suppose having someone else inside one's body would make one feel that way."
"How did you know she wasn't me?"
"She didn't act like you," Giles said, glancing up at the bright sky. There weren't any clouds at all.
"No one else noticed anything..." Buffy trailed off. She looked at Giles askance.
He appeared to be very interested in the pattern of the cracks in the sidewalk. "Maybe I know you better than everyone else," he said quietly.
"Yeah, you do." She smirked derisively. "How far d'you get with her?"
Giles' jaw tightened. His whole figure tensed up, like a dog who had been kicked too many times and was ready to bite back. He raised his eyes to meet Buffy's. "Not as far as I got with you."
She hit him. He staggered, but didn't fall over. He shook his head as if to clear it of stars and glared at Buffy. He was surprised to see her not righteously angered, but blinking back tears, looking like a little girl who had been hurt.
"Buffy, I'm sorry..."
"Go to hell," she spat, and walked away.
***
"Are you sure that's the move you want to make?"
"Yes."
"Because you can still take it back."
"I moved the piece there because that's where I want it. That's my move."
"Well, if you're sure..." Jonathan said and moved his knight forward. "Checkmate."
"Oh." Giles sighed resignedly and leaned back in the big red armchair to stare broodingly into the fire.
"Are you feeling all right, Rupert?"
"I could use a drink," Giles said dryly.
"Humphrey," Jonathan waved his butler over. "Bring us a straight scotch on the rocks?" He looked to Giles for confirmation.
Giles blinked, a bit taken aback and nodded once.
"And a brandy." Jonathan continued.
"Um, I, uh, I-I don't know if I should..." Giles said nervously after Humphrey left.
"You've been dry for what, three months?"
"And three weeks," he said, embarassed.
"How are your nerves?"
Giles smirked sardonically. "Shot to hell."
"Moderation is key in all things," Jonathan said sagely, turning up the collar of his velvet smoking jacket. "Everyone needs to have fun now and then. Just, you know, don't go on a bender." He smiled.
Giles almost laughed and nodded thoughtfully.
When Humphrey brought their drinks, they raised their glasses to each other.
"So," Jonathan said, leaning back in his chair and swirling his brandy, "how's your Buffy dilemma?"
Giles' eyes widened in surprise. "Uh, erm... h-h-how..."
"Don't worry." Jonathan smiled consolingly. "I don't think anyone else has noticed a significant downturn in your relationship. I'm just a bit more observant than your average bear."
"Oh, of course," Giles said, relieved. "Um, frankly? It was as bad as it could get. And then it got worse."
Jonathan nodded sympathetically.
"I-I don't know what I did. I don't know what I can do. I want to be whatever she needs me to be, but I don't think she wants me around at all." He stared morosely into his tumbler. "She despises me."
"She doesn't despise you."
Giles laughed joylessly and was going to say something sarcastic, but Jonathan was looking at him with such an air of sagely wisdom that it was impossible to believe that he didn't know the exact truth of Buffy's heart.
"I don't know what happened between you and her," Jonathan continued. "But I do know that no one's ever acquited a man who's acted guilty."
"No one's ever punched him in the jaw either," Giles muttered.
"I'm not advizing you to talk smack to the slayer, Rupert. Just don't go sulking around like you deserve every bad thing that gets thrown at you. You're making every interaction with her about whether she's going to forgive or condemn you. You can't expect her to respond well to pressure like that."
Giles frowned thoughtfully.
"And don't you go feeling guilty about that now, either." Jonathan continued. "You have to forgive yourself and get back to life. Give her the time and space she needs to get over whatever happened and decide for herself if she can forgive you."
Giles thought about Jonathan's words for a moment. "You're right," he finally said. "Thank you."
"The relationship between watcher and slayer is a very special bond," Jonathan said wisely. "I'm sure you and Buffy will pull through."
***
All the songs Giles could think of to play were depressing. And not the kind of depressing that gets one's own depression out. The kind of depressing that makes one even more depressed. He gave up on the guitar for the night.
He sat there for a moment. Staring. He had nothing else to do.
There was a knock on his door and he jumped to get it.
"Oh, hello, Spike." He said, disappointed. "What do you want?"
"Looking for your girl. Got some information for her. She's not around, is she?"
"No."
"Yeah, she never is these days. Don't suppose you know where I can find her either, do you."
"No."
"Probably off getting snuggly with that trained gorilla of hers." Spike smirked. "They make such a cute couple."
Giles closed the door on him without answering. He turned towards the apartment, leaned back against the wall and sank to the floor. His apartment seemed so very big, and dark, and empty.
***
"Buffy, you can't go back alone," Willow insisted, protesting against Buffy's plan to do some recon on Adam.
"So she doesn't go alone," Xander said. "Giles, weapons all around."
"I think the planning should come before the weaponry," Giles answered.
"You're not going, Xander," Buffy said, talking over Giles. "You'd get hurt."
"Oh. Okay. You and Willow go do the superpower thing, I'll stay behind and putt around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred."
"Excuse me. I may be crusty, but I'm not yet deaf."
"Willow is not going either," Buffy said.
"Alfred was more useful than me, anyways," Giles muttered to himself.
"I'm doing it alone," Buffy continued.
"Oh, great. And then when you have your new 'no arms' we can all say 'Gee, it's a good thing we weren't there getting in the way of that!'"
"Willow has a point." Giles said. "You can't just go in there, half-baked. 'Let's go have a look-see' is not a sensible plan."
"We don't have time for grand-strategy, Giles. You might get that impression from doing nothing all day, but we don't."
"Hey, Giles, maybe you can get a job with my helpful clothing delivery." Xander turned to Buffy. "Want some fighting pants, Buff? We can get ya some new fighting pants."
"You guys, this isn't helping."
"I'm ready to help." Giles said defensively. "Just tell me what the bloody hell is going on once in a while, and I can help."
Buffy rounded on him. "I don't want your help, Giles. That's why I don't ask for it. Ever think of that? I don't want you, so just stay out of it."
Giles just stared for a moment, shocked by Buffy's vehemence. Then he turned and left, slamming his apartment door behind him. He paced in front of the fountain before settling down to sulk. The sky was grey and oppressive.
It wasn't long before Buffy stormed out.
"What happened?" Giles asked, standing up.
Buffy didn't stop or turn around. "None of your business."
He grabbed her arm. She jerked it violently out of his grasp.
"If it affects the fate of the world then that is my business." Giles said.
"Since when?"
"Umm... always." Giles said sarcastically.
Buffy scoffed "Not lately."
"Because you've been keeping me in the dark."
"I don't want your help!"
"I'm still your watcher!"
"No," Buffy said bitterly. "You stopped being my watcher when you slept with me."
Giles' expression hardened. "Then why did I have to stick around after?"
Buffy blinked, shocked. "You lousy creep."
Giles could hear her voice cracking, but he was angry enough not to care. "I asked you to go home, if you remember, not to go to bed with me. If I'm a creep, what are you?"
Buffy hit him, but not nearly as hard as the last time. She was shaking, her eyes were full of tears. "You goddamn bastard, you were supposed to be responsible! You were the adult!"
"You were eighteen!" Giles shouted back. "And the slayer! There was nothing that we did that it wasn't completely within your power to stop."
"You were my watcher! You were supposed to look after me, I trusted you!"
"Then why the hell didn't you listen to me?"
Buffy rolled her eyes as she wiped the tears from her face. "I thought you were in love with me"
Giles stared. "Oh, bloody goddamn hell."
"I know, you just wanted me," she said bitterly.
"And I told you as much before hand! It was as much your fault--"
"No! No, I trusted you and you used me--"
"I stayed because I care about you! Because I thought you needed me and I could help you!" Giles yelled. "Not to be your goddamned whipping boy! I would have done anything you asked of me, but I am not going to be the one to carry your guilt anymore." And he turned and walked away before she had the chance to answer.
Buffy watched with wide, shocked eyes as he left the courtyard. Her breathing was shallow, she was hyperventilating, but she didn't let herself cry. She went back inside. Willow and Xander seemed to have left through the back. She made her way to the living room, where she curled up on the couch and broke down in sobs.
*
The next day Buffy left a message on Giles' answering machine. Her voice was flat and emotionless. "I have an idea about Adam. I need your help."
Throughout their mission against Adam and the Initiative, Buffy and Giles acted completely professional towards one another, though they didn't actually speak to each other more than they had to, and didn't look at each other at all.
After Adam's defeat, Willow and Xander insisted that Giles join their video party. They were all so up on the adrenaline high from the battle and the spell, Giles thought it possible that Buffy might not even mind his presence that much. After their experience with the First Slayer, however, after they had all come down, Giles decided he would go home.
He was putting on his jacket when Buffy came from the dining room, where Willow and Xander still were, and turned up the stairs without acknowledging Giles at all.
"Buffy..." he found himself calling to her, softly. She turned around and looked down at him. Her face looked empty. "I-I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday. And for everything I said that was, um, unduly cruel. But I still meant what I said. I'm not going to act the guilty party anymore."
Buffy nodded. "I know. But I can't forgive you. I just can't."
Giles felt like he had been stabbed through the chest. He had to take a moment to compose himself before he looked up at Buffy again. "So, what do you propose we do?"
"I think you should leave."
Giles nodded. "Alright."
Please comment extensively so that I don't feel like it was a waste of time. I am in dire need of validation. Thank you.
I could have broken it up into smaller chapters, I guess, but I planned the story so that each chapter has its own arc, and I want to stick to that.
Darkest Before Dawn
Rating: PG 15
Genre: Angst, Romance
Ship: Buffy/Giles, and canon ships, notably Giles/Olivia and Buffy/Riley
Characters: Buffy and Giles. Also, (in no particular order) Willow, Spike, Olivia, Dawn, Riley, Joyce, Xander and Anya. And a wee bit of Jonathan.
Summary: Follow-up to "After the Ball." Buffy and Giles slept together. Giles has issues about it. Much angst ensues. And I mean MUCH. Really. Will they ever be able to repair their relationship? Am I capable of writing a happy ending? Let's find out... Starts at somewhere around "Something Blue" in the canon timeline, and will probably go until late season 5.
Disclaimer: I like playing with other people's broken toys. These ones belong to Joss Whedon. They bring me no profit. Just fun.
Disclaimer: There are two issues on which my opinion is very adamantly neutral: the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and abortion. If any of the characters in this story say or do anything that may be construed as expressing a particular viewpoint on either of those topics, that viewpoint is not my own, and is not intended to offend anyone. It's just what I think the characters would say/do in the situations I put them in.
Feedback: Will make me love you forever.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
When Riley walked Buffy back to her room after the party, he linked his arm with hers. Buffy thought it old-fashioned and charming.
"You have some really great friends," he was saying.
"I know."
"And It was nice to meet Mr. Giles. Are he and your mom...?" Riley asked conversationally.
"What?" It was a moment before Buffy realized what Riley was asking. "Oh. No. I mean, they did kinda have a thing but that was... They're just friends. Kind of."
"I just thought, 'cause you said he was like a dad."
"No, he's, um, h-he's my watcher. Part of the slayer package, free mentor included."
"Oh. Neat. Am I going to meet your mother soon?"
Buffy looked at Riley skeptically. He sounded almost eager. "You want to?"
"Yeah. I do," he said sincerely. They reached Buffy's door and stopped outside. "And, you know, if you ever feel like seeing the great state of Iowa, you're invited the next time I go home. It's not completely boring. I think you'd like my folks, and I'd really like them to meet you..." Riley trailed off, seeing Buffy bite her lip and bow her head. "Hey, what's the matter?"
"I don't deserve you," she murmured, not raising her head to meet his eyes.
Riley laughed. "What? Don't be stupid."
"You're a better person than me."
"Where'd you get that idea?"
Buffy opened her mouth to speak a few times, and changed her mind. "I don't know," she finally said.
Riley was studying her face seriously now. There were tears running down it. "Buffy, you're the best person I know, that I've ever known. I don't know what's gotten into you, but if you think you did something wrong, it won't change that. You're that far ahead of everybody else."
"What if I did do something really, really bad?" Buffy spoke so quietly, Riley could barely hear her.
"No," he said with conviction. "I don't think you ever could, not really bad. You'd never want to hurt anybody, would you? Never have malicious intent."
Buffy raised her head a little, she seemed to be considering what he was saying.
"And even if you did, I don't think it would change what I think of you," he continued seriously. "Whatever you do, you still have the truest heart of anyone I've ever known."
Buffy looked up at his face, studying it for any signs of uncertainty or insincerity and finding none. "I love you."
The next night Willow had a sleep-over/spell session with her friend from the wicca group. Riley spent the night with Buffy.
***
Giles knocked on Buffy's door. He hoped she wouldn't be annoyed with him calling on her so early, but he wanted to catch her before she left for class.
"Giles. Something wrong?" She said upon opening the door.
"Nothing urgent, yet. Um..."
Buffy wasn't letting him in.
Riley appeared behind her. "Morning Mr. Giles," he said pleasantly. "Are there HSTs afoot?"
"Uh," Giles kicked himself mentally for not waiting until afternoon. "Perhaps. What?"
"Hostile Sub-Terrestrials. Official government designation for demons."
"Ah. Yes." Giles nodded. He noticed that Riley's outfit and what he could see of the bedclothes were very neat, and he relaxed a little, though his embarassment was soon replaced with a twinge of suspicion he couldn't help feeling towards Riley, in light of the information he had just recently heard from Ethan Rayne. "Willow told me about your involvement with, um, that organiztion."
"Hey Giles."
Giles turned around and saw Willow standing there with a backpack and a rolled-up sleeping bag under her arm.
"You guys talking about me?"
"Tangentally," Giles said.
"More of a monster talk," Buffy elaborated.
"Ooh, we've got monsters?"
"Um, not monsters per se..."
"Well, let's take this party inside," Willow said, making her way past Buffy and into her room. "C'mon in," she said to Giles, and he followed her.
"How was the wicca p.j. party?" Buffy asked as Willow dropped her sleeping bag and backpack onto the floor by her bed.
"Spelltacular. Hi Riley."
"Good morning Willow."
"Hey, hospital corners," Willow said, pointing to Buffy's bed and giving her a funny look. "That's obsessive-compulsive."
Buffy subtley raised an eyebrow at her friend.
One could see the cogs working in Willow's mind as her eyes travelled from Buffy, to Riley, to the bed. "Or maybe barracks-like." She bit back a smile.
Giles was staring very hard at the floor, trying to not think about hospital corners and wishing very much that he had waited until the afternoon to come by.
"Hey, I was just going to go on a coffee and muffin run. Can I get you guys anything?" Riley offered.
"Ooh! Mocha please."
Riley nodded in confirmation and turned to Giles. "Mr. Giles?"
"These things never take that long," Buffy answered for him. "Don't bother."
"Thanks for offering," Giles added with a weak smile.
After Riley left, Buffy crossed her arms and turned to Giles. "So, why the house call? We got trouble?"
"With a capital 'T?'" Willow added.
Giles inclined his head towards her. "And that rhymes with 'E'"
"And that stands for...?"
"Ethan Rayne. I, uh, ran into him last night..."
"What's he got up his sleazy sleeve this time?" Buffy asked.
"Um, nothing, from what I could discern. We went for drinks, actually, w-without the, um, actual, uh, drinking on my side, of course, since, uh..." Giles trailed off awkwardly. Buffy was looking at him impatiently. "Well, he had some information."
"Legitimate information?" Buffy asked incredulously.
"Ostensibly. He said there were rumours in the, um, underworld, about something that's harming demons that's not the Slayer..."
"The Initiative?" Willow asked.
"Most likely." Giles nodded. "They've got the demons running scared, admirably, but they're also fueling malcontent. Their, uh, practices are allegedly throwing the magical world off balance. He said there's a conflict building. There's especially apprehension surrounding something called 314."
Willow raised her eyebrows in interest. "A code-name?"
"Perhaps. Ethan is far from a reliable source, but I'm not sure he's wrong about this."
"Sounds like it merits investigation."
"Yeah. Maybe. But why couldn't this info be relayed by phone?" Buffy asked bluntly.
Giles was taken aback. He had come to see her in person in the hope that she would be as conciliatory as she had been before her party, and if not, he would ask her what he had done wrong. But he didn't ask that. "Uh, well, I-I-I was in the area, a-and..."
"Giles, the whole town is in the area. I don't want you hanging around here. It looks weird."
Giles just stared at Buffy for a moment, hurt evident on his face. Then he blinked and looked away. "Uh, r-right. Sorry." He nodded goodbye to Willow and promptly left the room, his head bowed and his shoulders hunched in embarassment.
Willow was shocked by her friend's behaviour. "That was really harsh."
Buffy's face was expressionless. "He deserves it."
***
It was always the same.
She was strapped down. Trapped. She couldn't feel her body. The flourescent lights were harsh. She could hear people, murmuring, but couldn't make out what they were saying. She could hear the hum of an electric motor, and couldn't see where it was coming from. She didn't want to see it. She heard a voice near her, a voice slick with uncaring comfort. The speaker leaned over her, she could see his face, and she wondered why he wasn't wearing a surgical mask before she realized he was a vampire, and then he was already biting her. She felt her blood being drained away.
She was floating, suspended in air that was heavy with age. From the thick darkness that surrounded her indistinct shapes emerged that became men in long robes with turned up hoods. They were chanting in a weird language, nasal and guttural at the same time. She could feel the chant resonating in her bones.
She was engulfed in light, being burned from the inside by a terrible fire. She had never felt more alive. In that moment she felt perfect and like everything would be all right.
Then she was back under the flourescent lights again and she couldn't feel at all. She overheard one of the voices say, "Tenth girl in a row. You owe me five bucks."
This time the dream had a new ending.
A white, floating bedsheet. Her own room, in her own house. And there was Faith. They were making her bed together like sisters.
"I had forgotten how good they smell," Buffy said.
"What?"
"Clean sheets. Like summer..."
***
"Well, don't worry about it. I'll patrol tonight. As long as it takes. You guys have your fun. I'll be out there doing my job," Buffy said.
For the first time in a month, she and Giles had met, and she hadn't said anything painfully cutting to him. He noticed this, but didn't allow himself to hope that it meant they were back on the track to reconciliation. She was probably just distracted by her ordeal with Faith and had forgotten to make a point of insulting him. At any rate, Giles had been working himself up to doing this, and he was going to go through with it.
"Buffy, uh, c-c-can I, uh, a-actually h-have a, uh, word w-with you, um, alone?"
"S-s-sure Giles," she replied with a quizzical look.
Willow, Xander and Anya said their goodbyes and filed out. Buffy ordered them with aggressive cheerfulness to "have fun" one last time before the door closed. Then she turned to Giles.
"What's the what?" she asked.
Giles took a breath and asked her straight out, "Do you want me to leave?"
Buffy stared at him. "What makes you think I want that?" She finally asked.
"I don't know what else you could want from me," he said, sounding helpless. "I would do anything you want, and I'll stay as long as I can be of some use to you, but you obviously can't stand to have me around, so I don't see the point."
Buffy nodded. "Why do you think I'm like that?" she asked carefully.
He blinked, somewhat surprised by her question and shrugged. "I-I don't know. I thought we were getting better, approaching normalcy again." He paused thoughtfully before continuing. "If now that you're with Riley and you want to forget completely, if my being here reminds you, I wouldn't blame you for wanting me gone. I just want to know."
"Forget?" Buffy frowned in confusion. Then her eyes widened for a moment and Giles could almost swear that she looked like she was fighting back a laugh. "I don't want to forget," she said.
"What?"
"You're right." Buffy nodded. "That Riley totally messed me up. 'Cause, you know, it's not like I don't like Riley, I mean, hello beefcake." She smirked. Then her expression became completely serious. She dropped her head and looked at Giles intensely from underneath her eyelashes. "But it's nothing like how I feel about you."
"What?" Giles seemed frozen.
Buffy was slowly coming towards him, a predatory smile playing on her lips. "You're my watcher."
Giles backed away from her, looking at her suspiciously. "Um, y-yes, I am aware of that."
"You'd do anything for me..." Her eyes were travelling all over him; she was studying him with a self-satisfied look on her face, like he was a present for her, a new toy. "'Cause I'm Buffy."
He felt the back of his legs hit the armchair. She kept coming towards him until she was standing so close he could feel her chest rise and fall with each breath. His own breathing was shallow. She slowly ran her hands up his chest. He was sure his heart rate was speeding up.
He was very confused. "Wh-what are you doing?"
She looked up at him with big, doe eyes. "I was confused before. If I freaked out and was mean to you, I 'm sorry." She pushed him back into the chair and straddled his lap, her knees on either side of his hips. "I want to make it up to you."
His eyes were wide with shock. "You don't..." he started before she tore off his glasses and tossed them onto the couch. "Um, don't--"
She kissed him, hungrily, violently. He didn't try to fight her, and he couldn't have if he wanted to.
"I don't want to make the same mistake again," he said as soon as he got the chance to breathe.
"Oh, did I make you guilty?" She shook her head as if she couldn't believe herself. "Isn't that just like me?"
Giles just looked confusedly back.
She smiled. "Hey, no worries, watcher-mine." She went for his neck, his ear. He moaned a little despite himself. She whispered to him, "It's not your mistake to make. I'm the slayer." She pulled back from him, her eyes flashing. "You can't make me do anything." She straightened her posture so that she was looking down at him, looking him over like she was imagining all sorts of possibilities. "There's not a thing I can't make you do."
For that moment he was frightened by her. Then she was kissing him again.
He thought she was like the ocean, how she never stopped moving; no part of her was ever still, and he was getting caught up in her; in kissing her; in the feel of her body.
"You'd do anything for me, right?" she said between kisses.
"Mm hm..." Then he seemed to come back to himself. He pulled back from her as much as he could and looked at her gravely. "But i-i-it's..."
"Wh-wh-what?" She cocked her head at him. "It's wrong?"
Giles nodded, though he was looking at her like he was dearly hoping she would say she didn't care.
"Oh yeah." Buffy pouted. She leaned away from him and sighed petulantly. "Well, too bad." She got off him and headed for the door. "Catch you later!" she called back casually before she left.
Giles stayed in a shocked silence, completely still, for a good five minutes. Then he went to the phone and called Willow. He got her answering machine.
"Hello, Willow. This is Giles, please call me as soon as you get the chance. I'm, uh, I-I'm concerned about Buffy. I don't think she's, uh, quite herself."
*
Buffy stood outside the church by herself. She was waiting for Riley, who was helping the emergency teams check on all the parishioners. She heard footsteps behind her. She knew they were Giles', she recognized them. She didn't turn around, even when he spoke.
"How are you feeling?" he asked carefully.
"Icky."
"I suppose having someone else inside one's body would make one feel that way."
"How did you know she wasn't me?"
"She didn't act like you," Giles said, glancing up at the bright sky. There weren't any clouds at all.
"No one else noticed anything..." Buffy trailed off. She looked at Giles askance.
He appeared to be very interested in the pattern of the cracks in the sidewalk. "Maybe I know you better than everyone else," he said quietly.
"Yeah, you do." She smirked derisively. "How far d'you get with her?"
Giles' jaw tightened. His whole figure tensed up, like a dog who had been kicked too many times and was ready to bite back. He raised his eyes to meet Buffy's. "Not as far as I got with you."
She hit him. He staggered, but didn't fall over. He shook his head as if to clear it of stars and glared at Buffy. He was surprised to see her not righteously angered, but blinking back tears, looking like a little girl who had been hurt.
"Buffy, I'm sorry..."
"Go to hell," she spat, and walked away.
***
"Are you sure that's the move you want to make?"
"Yes."
"Because you can still take it back."
"I moved the piece there because that's where I want it. That's my move."
"Well, if you're sure..." Jonathan said and moved his knight forward. "Checkmate."
"Oh." Giles sighed resignedly and leaned back in the big red armchair to stare broodingly into the fire.
"Are you feeling all right, Rupert?"
"I could use a drink," Giles said dryly.
"Humphrey," Jonathan waved his butler over. "Bring us a straight scotch on the rocks?" He looked to Giles for confirmation.
Giles blinked, a bit taken aback and nodded once.
"And a brandy." Jonathan continued.
"Um, I, uh, I-I don't know if I should..." Giles said nervously after Humphrey left.
"You've been dry for what, three months?"
"And three weeks," he said, embarassed.
"How are your nerves?"
Giles smirked sardonically. "Shot to hell."
"Moderation is key in all things," Jonathan said sagely, turning up the collar of his velvet smoking jacket. "Everyone needs to have fun now and then. Just, you know, don't go on a bender." He smiled.
Giles almost laughed and nodded thoughtfully.
When Humphrey brought their drinks, they raised their glasses to each other.
"So," Jonathan said, leaning back in his chair and swirling his brandy, "how's your Buffy dilemma?"
Giles' eyes widened in surprise. "Uh, erm... h-h-how..."
"Don't worry." Jonathan smiled consolingly. "I don't think anyone else has noticed a significant downturn in your relationship. I'm just a bit more observant than your average bear."
"Oh, of course," Giles said, relieved. "Um, frankly? It was as bad as it could get. And then it got worse."
Jonathan nodded sympathetically.
"I-I don't know what I did. I don't know what I can do. I want to be whatever she needs me to be, but I don't think she wants me around at all." He stared morosely into his tumbler. "She despises me."
"She doesn't despise you."
Giles laughed joylessly and was going to say something sarcastic, but Jonathan was looking at him with such an air of sagely wisdom that it was impossible to believe that he didn't know the exact truth of Buffy's heart.
"I don't know what happened between you and her," Jonathan continued. "But I do know that no one's ever acquited a man who's acted guilty."
"No one's ever punched him in the jaw either," Giles muttered.
"I'm not advizing you to talk smack to the slayer, Rupert. Just don't go sulking around like you deserve every bad thing that gets thrown at you. You're making every interaction with her about whether she's going to forgive or condemn you. You can't expect her to respond well to pressure like that."
Giles frowned thoughtfully.
"And don't you go feeling guilty about that now, either." Jonathan continued. "You have to forgive yourself and get back to life. Give her the time and space she needs to get over whatever happened and decide for herself if she can forgive you."
Giles thought about Jonathan's words for a moment. "You're right," he finally said. "Thank you."
"The relationship between watcher and slayer is a very special bond," Jonathan said wisely. "I'm sure you and Buffy will pull through."
***
All the songs Giles could think of to play were depressing. And not the kind of depressing that gets one's own depression out. The kind of depressing that makes one even more depressed. He gave up on the guitar for the night.
He sat there for a moment. Staring. He had nothing else to do.
There was a knock on his door and he jumped to get it.
"Oh, hello, Spike." He said, disappointed. "What do you want?"
"Looking for your girl. Got some information for her. She's not around, is she?"
"No."
"Yeah, she never is these days. Don't suppose you know where I can find her either, do you."
"No."
"Probably off getting snuggly with that trained gorilla of hers." Spike smirked. "They make such a cute couple."
Giles closed the door on him without answering. He turned towards the apartment, leaned back against the wall and sank to the floor. His apartment seemed so very big, and dark, and empty.
***
"Buffy, you can't go back alone," Willow insisted, protesting against Buffy's plan to do some recon on Adam.
"So she doesn't go alone," Xander said. "Giles, weapons all around."
"I think the planning should come before the weaponry," Giles answered.
"You're not going, Xander," Buffy said, talking over Giles. "You'd get hurt."
"Oh. Okay. You and Willow go do the superpower thing, I'll stay behind and putt around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred."
"Excuse me. I may be crusty, but I'm not yet deaf."
"Willow is not going either," Buffy said.
"Alfred was more useful than me, anyways," Giles muttered to himself.
"I'm doing it alone," Buffy continued.
"Oh, great. And then when you have your new 'no arms' we can all say 'Gee, it's a good thing we weren't there getting in the way of that!'"
"Willow has a point." Giles said. "You can't just go in there, half-baked. 'Let's go have a look-see' is not a sensible plan."
"We don't have time for grand-strategy, Giles. You might get that impression from doing nothing all day, but we don't."
"Hey, Giles, maybe you can get a job with my helpful clothing delivery." Xander turned to Buffy. "Want some fighting pants, Buff? We can get ya some new fighting pants."
"You guys, this isn't helping."
"I'm ready to help." Giles said defensively. "Just tell me what the bloody hell is going on once in a while, and I can help."
Buffy rounded on him. "I don't want your help, Giles. That's why I don't ask for it. Ever think of that? I don't want you, so just stay out of it."
Giles just stared for a moment, shocked by Buffy's vehemence. Then he turned and left, slamming his apartment door behind him. He paced in front of the fountain before settling down to sulk. The sky was grey and oppressive.
It wasn't long before Buffy stormed out.
"What happened?" Giles asked, standing up.
Buffy didn't stop or turn around. "None of your business."
He grabbed her arm. She jerked it violently out of his grasp.
"If it affects the fate of the world then that is my business." Giles said.
"Since when?"
"Umm... always." Giles said sarcastically.
Buffy scoffed "Not lately."
"Because you've been keeping me in the dark."
"I don't want your help!"
"I'm still your watcher!"
"No," Buffy said bitterly. "You stopped being my watcher when you slept with me."
Giles' expression hardened. "Then why did I have to stick around after?"
Buffy blinked, shocked. "You lousy creep."
Giles could hear her voice cracking, but he was angry enough not to care. "I asked you to go home, if you remember, not to go to bed with me. If I'm a creep, what are you?"
Buffy hit him, but not nearly as hard as the last time. She was shaking, her eyes were full of tears. "You goddamn bastard, you were supposed to be responsible! You were the adult!"
"You were eighteen!" Giles shouted back. "And the slayer! There was nothing that we did that it wasn't completely within your power to stop."
"You were my watcher! You were supposed to look after me, I trusted you!"
"Then why the hell didn't you listen to me?"
Buffy rolled her eyes as she wiped the tears from her face. "I thought you were in love with me"
Giles stared. "Oh, bloody goddamn hell."
"I know, you just wanted me," she said bitterly.
"And I told you as much before hand! It was as much your fault--"
"No! No, I trusted you and you used me--"
"I stayed because I care about you! Because I thought you needed me and I could help you!" Giles yelled. "Not to be your goddamned whipping boy! I would have done anything you asked of me, but I am not going to be the one to carry your guilt anymore." And he turned and walked away before she had the chance to answer.
Buffy watched with wide, shocked eyes as he left the courtyard. Her breathing was shallow, she was hyperventilating, but she didn't let herself cry. She went back inside. Willow and Xander seemed to have left through the back. She made her way to the living room, where she curled up on the couch and broke down in sobs.
*
The next day Buffy left a message on Giles' answering machine. Her voice was flat and emotionless. "I have an idea about Adam. I need your help."
Throughout their mission against Adam and the Initiative, Buffy and Giles acted completely professional towards one another, though they didn't actually speak to each other more than they had to, and didn't look at each other at all.
After Adam's defeat, Willow and Xander insisted that Giles join their video party. They were all so up on the adrenaline high from the battle and the spell, Giles thought it possible that Buffy might not even mind his presence that much. After their experience with the First Slayer, however, after they had all come down, Giles decided he would go home.
He was putting on his jacket when Buffy came from the dining room, where Willow and Xander still were, and turned up the stairs without acknowledging Giles at all.
"Buffy..." he found himself calling to her, softly. She turned around and looked down at him. Her face looked empty. "I-I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday. And for everything I said that was, um, unduly cruel. But I still meant what I said. I'm not going to act the guilty party anymore."
Buffy nodded. "I know. But I can't forgive you. I just can't."
Giles felt like he had been stabbed through the chest. He had to take a moment to compose himself before he looked up at Buffy again. "So, what do you propose we do?"
"I think you should leave."
Giles nodded. "Alright."