update/ some level of minor acceptance
So, yeah. I'm becoming darkartistrynkp, and I don't know whether to love it or hate it. I shouldn't hate things in this world, so I guess I love it.
The beast energy really makes me speak from a place of failure. It's always reminding me of the failures I have. And I am free of it when I don't think of where I fail, but where I succeed. As I write this entry, this energy is relatively minor to negated. How does one channel an energy that reminds you of your failures? How does one constructively figure out how to not get put down by that energy that climbs up on the failures it stacks up, in order to appear higher and stronger? It's all an illusion, and to address each perceived failure with the true success of each event is to lower it, just a little more, until it is far enough down that it no longer has a hold on me.
I spent last night over misfit_punk84's place, and he really helps me figure out a lot about myself. Usually, he's not even trying too hard to do it, but last night, I was so energetically locked into my mind, that I finally let some of it out.
He said a lot of things that really made a lot of sense. So did I, but I think he said more majorly true things than I.
You can love the world and go around doing that -- but you don't have to do it that way, either. But since I decide that the person I am is a person who loves the world, I have to go forth with that thought in mind. But I can't expect love to come back to me the way I want it, from whom I want it, how I want it, when I want it, and where I want it.
I can't let myself go into my mind too much, because when I do, I suddenly have discovered that now I have these internal demons. There are these mental whisperings of consciousness that I fight now. Ever since last Friday, during the time I was there, these demons whisper these thoughts into my mind. It's not the beast nature. Maybe it is. It's some dark nature that makes me wish I were not here. It thinks of all the ways that I could die, by my own cause. It whispers to me, when I am in my darker places, and I get into an argument with it, which makes me even more emotional, and makes me stop thinking more and more. And I lose these arguments. This reminds me of a tale of... I think it may be Buddha, or someone in myth, who has a demon upon them, and they simply do not acknowledge this demon -- they are aware, inside, that it is there, but they do not give attention or energy to it, and do not act towards it, nor do they act out of fear of it. They simply are cool, calm, and resolved.
He also suggested that putting names to my emotions, intents, and other internal archetypes changes how I feel about things. I tend to be relatively numb because I allow myself to name the things inside, and thus, I intellectualize my emotions more and more. And the more I think of my emotions, the less I let myself actually feel them. It is hard not to do this, but it is important that even if I do not feel the emotion, or even if I am intellectualizing it, that I know enough that I should be feeling it, and what I should be feeling. If I gave no damn, then I would be numb and uncaring. The very fact that I had damn to give about it meant that I am not at a loss; I am knowing what I should be feeling, and in fact, may very well be feeling quite intensely, but simply using my self-defense mechanisms to buffer the mental assault upon myself of just how bad it was.
I can't pretend in my life that things are not hurting. Things are very much hurting, but it is all hurting up here, in my head. You can't see it in person, and you may be able to see it in my mannerisms, in my motion, in my speech, in my action -- but it is always there. And to disregard it would be a disaster. I must be aware of it, and I must take care of it. I must keep myself in good conditions: physically, mentally, emotionally; and spiritual well-being comes from those three points, like the foundation of a pyramid. I have to keep outletting what I think, because I think it, and need to say it. To me, the value is not in how you say it, but in that you say it. Once you have said it, then you can refine it and clarify what you have said. To presume you can always be perfectly clear, if you are quiet and then think it through, then say it, is to be a person who spouts great wisdom, but does not show the chaos of the self. It is a performance, that you are renowned for having that particular image. I may not say it clearly, but it is the first step in learning clarity. Having something to say and being able to say it, even if it's "wrong" (I hate that word!) is the first step; and if you are right the first time, then have learned that you can be correct; and if you are wrong, then you gain confidence that you are able to make mistakes freely.
There is more for me to think about. I must not be so light in my words. I speak so as not to offend anyone. But I know I will do it one day. And, perhaps, it is a good thing. If I were inoffensive, I would not be noticed, but I must be like the mosquitoes I so hate: I must take their archetype with me. I have to make a stir. Not a large one, but one enough to make someone think, after the fact, about it. I have to be assertive. We learned passive, aggressive, assertive when I was in middle school, and when I learned it, I knew I was passive. I always have said I was passive. No more must I be passive. I must take a stand, and be who I am. I must sit and determine that this is who I am, and make decisions, and be clear. If I am different, I must be happy and content in my differences, lest I become common and another variation on a theme within modern society, and just another human being.
We tell legends about those who went against the flow. Those who broke free from the masses, and went out and did something. And that is what I wish to bring to the world. The inspiration to do more, as Twyla Tharp says. Modern is more. Modern is everything that there has been, and more. It is everything plus. I need to be this person, and I need to find out how to do it I need to do the research necessary to do what I have dreamed of. I already know what I feel I need to do. Life is built upon dreams, and it is up to us to be the dreamers of dreams.
The name of the side of me that is my highest self, the one that I seek to become, is named "Sage". I feel such affinity for that name. Sage is what drives me to be the highest, most compassionate, loving, hearted person I can be. Sage is me, when I am guiding a person to answers, helping them along. Sage is me, when I am seeking answers myself, and I open my thoughts up to listen to what others have to say -- not just humans, but Isadora, the Gods, and other spirits who share with me the knowledge and thoughts that will boost me higher.
As I said. I know how to live, alone, on my own, without trying to incorporate other humans into my life. But because I am human, and I feel human, I yearn for humanity. For acceptance into humanity. Which is a fallacy that is created in my mind that I must become accepted, and in order to do that, must take into account what others think about me. I can go on, alone, but I will always feel that pull -- to be a part of humanity. I can do it all alone, but I cannot do it alone, because I'm human. And to be human requires me to be aware of others, and show a consideration of them. I have to consider the position and way that they are acting, and find a way to incorporate, work with, work around, and travel across the paths I will cross; one cannot walk his own path without crossing the path of another at least at one point or another. It simply matters in how, upon meeting, you choose to cross the path and handle the interaction. (Isadora is speaking.)
And to have to accept that I have to go off, and walk my own road, and put down a trail where it hasn't been put, is a tremendous mental-emotional task, but a simple spiritual task, while I keep myself focused on it. To make that a singular goal in life is a challenge, and a noble one. We tell stories of great heroes and legends because they choose to pursue something at cost of all other things in their lives. Why do I resonate of Dido, Hermes, Ares, Aphrodite, Isadora? I am told that I must think that I will be doing things with many loves but no one true love (I will be married to my art), I will be in motion and fleeting, I will be disciplined chaos, I will be loved by the Gods who will in turn help me find more of my art, and I will be a trailblazer of dance. I must marry my art. This is what I must do. Some people are more earthy. I am earthy in a respect, and I am airy in a respect. My feet are firmly planted in mid-air. I believe I ought to take that metaphor as my paradigm and be quite content with that position.
Thank you to misfit_punk84 for being there and allowing me be there; to dncingmalkavian for offering to be there when you can; to livewhatulearnd for being so open to hear me and spend time together; to darkartistrynkp for helping me to feel emotion again, even on minor primal levels; to zigamorph for just being a patient rock who knows far better than I that I definitely am fucked up, but that I have to sort it out my own way, and being fatherly in that respect; to parallaxviews for being able to intellectualize, explain, and inspire me in ways that I never expected about this; to elaur for being my mother figure; to Jeannie for being there, strong enough to clear the air and move forth, and being a figure of mutual trust; and to Birghandi and Mary for being willing and hearted to hear me out and see me open up and not being scared off by me. And to all of those who are beings of love and light who have shared theirs with me when my light has faded.
The beast energy really makes me speak from a place of failure. It's always reminding me of the failures I have. And I am free of it when I don't think of where I fail, but where I succeed. As I write this entry, this energy is relatively minor to negated. How does one channel an energy that reminds you of your failures? How does one constructively figure out how to not get put down by that energy that climbs up on the failures it stacks up, in order to appear higher and stronger? It's all an illusion, and to address each perceived failure with the true success of each event is to lower it, just a little more, until it is far enough down that it no longer has a hold on me.
I spent last night over misfit_punk84's place, and he really helps me figure out a lot about myself. Usually, he's not even trying too hard to do it, but last night, I was so energetically locked into my mind, that I finally let some of it out.
He said a lot of things that really made a lot of sense. So did I, but I think he said more majorly true things than I.
You can love the world and go around doing that -- but you don't have to do it that way, either. But since I decide that the person I am is a person who loves the world, I have to go forth with that thought in mind. But I can't expect love to come back to me the way I want it, from whom I want it, how I want it, when I want it, and where I want it.
I can't let myself go into my mind too much, because when I do, I suddenly have discovered that now I have these internal demons. There are these mental whisperings of consciousness that I fight now. Ever since last Friday, during the time I was there, these demons whisper these thoughts into my mind. It's not the beast nature. Maybe it is. It's some dark nature that makes me wish I were not here. It thinks of all the ways that I could die, by my own cause. It whispers to me, when I am in my darker places, and I get into an argument with it, which makes me even more emotional, and makes me stop thinking more and more. And I lose these arguments. This reminds me of a tale of... I think it may be Buddha, or someone in myth, who has a demon upon them, and they simply do not acknowledge this demon -- they are aware, inside, that it is there, but they do not give attention or energy to it, and do not act towards it, nor do they act out of fear of it. They simply are cool, calm, and resolved.
He also suggested that putting names to my emotions, intents, and other internal archetypes changes how I feel about things. I tend to be relatively numb because I allow myself to name the things inside, and thus, I intellectualize my emotions more and more. And the more I think of my emotions, the less I let myself actually feel them. It is hard not to do this, but it is important that even if I do not feel the emotion, or even if I am intellectualizing it, that I know enough that I should be feeling it, and what I should be feeling. If I gave no damn, then I would be numb and uncaring. The very fact that I had damn to give about it meant that I am not at a loss; I am knowing what I should be feeling, and in fact, may very well be feeling quite intensely, but simply using my self-defense mechanisms to buffer the mental assault upon myself of just how bad it was.
I can't pretend in my life that things are not hurting. Things are very much hurting, but it is all hurting up here, in my head. You can't see it in person, and you may be able to see it in my mannerisms, in my motion, in my speech, in my action -- but it is always there. And to disregard it would be a disaster. I must be aware of it, and I must take care of it. I must keep myself in good conditions: physically, mentally, emotionally; and spiritual well-being comes from those three points, like the foundation of a pyramid. I have to keep outletting what I think, because I think it, and need to say it. To me, the value is not in how you say it, but in that you say it. Once you have said it, then you can refine it and clarify what you have said. To presume you can always be perfectly clear, if you are quiet and then think it through, then say it, is to be a person who spouts great wisdom, but does not show the chaos of the self. It is a performance, that you are renowned for having that particular image. I may not say it clearly, but it is the first step in learning clarity. Having something to say and being able to say it, even if it's "wrong" (I hate that word!) is the first step; and if you are right the first time, then have learned that you can be correct; and if you are wrong, then you gain confidence that you are able to make mistakes freely.
There is more for me to think about. I must not be so light in my words. I speak so as not to offend anyone. But I know I will do it one day. And, perhaps, it is a good thing. If I were inoffensive, I would not be noticed, but I must be like the mosquitoes I so hate: I must take their archetype with me. I have to make a stir. Not a large one, but one enough to make someone think, after the fact, about it. I have to be assertive. We learned passive, aggressive, assertive when I was in middle school, and when I learned it, I knew I was passive. I always have said I was passive. No more must I be passive. I must take a stand, and be who I am. I must sit and determine that this is who I am, and make decisions, and be clear. If I am different, I must be happy and content in my differences, lest I become common and another variation on a theme within modern society, and just another human being.
We tell legends about those who went against the flow. Those who broke free from the masses, and went out and did something. And that is what I wish to bring to the world. The inspiration to do more, as Twyla Tharp says. Modern is more. Modern is everything that there has been, and more. It is everything plus. I need to be this person, and I need to find out how to do it I need to do the research necessary to do what I have dreamed of. I already know what I feel I need to do. Life is built upon dreams, and it is up to us to be the dreamers of dreams.
The name of the side of me that is my highest self, the one that I seek to become, is named "Sage". I feel such affinity for that name. Sage is what drives me to be the highest, most compassionate, loving, hearted person I can be. Sage is me, when I am guiding a person to answers, helping them along. Sage is me, when I am seeking answers myself, and I open my thoughts up to listen to what others have to say -- not just humans, but Isadora, the Gods, and other spirits who share with me the knowledge and thoughts that will boost me higher.
As I said. I know how to live, alone, on my own, without trying to incorporate other humans into my life. But because I am human, and I feel human, I yearn for humanity. For acceptance into humanity. Which is a fallacy that is created in my mind that I must become accepted, and in order to do that, must take into account what others think about me. I can go on, alone, but I will always feel that pull -- to be a part of humanity. I can do it all alone, but I cannot do it alone, because I'm human. And to be human requires me to be aware of others, and show a consideration of them. I have to consider the position and way that they are acting, and find a way to incorporate, work with, work around, and travel across the paths I will cross; one cannot walk his own path without crossing the path of another at least at one point or another. It simply matters in how, upon meeting, you choose to cross the path and handle the interaction. (Isadora is speaking.)
And to have to accept that I have to go off, and walk my own road, and put down a trail where it hasn't been put, is a tremendous mental-emotional task, but a simple spiritual task, while I keep myself focused on it. To make that a singular goal in life is a challenge, and a noble one. We tell stories of great heroes and legends because they choose to pursue something at cost of all other things in their lives. Why do I resonate of Dido, Hermes, Ares, Aphrodite, Isadora? I am told that I must think that I will be doing things with many loves but no one true love (I will be married to my art), I will be in motion and fleeting, I will be disciplined chaos, I will be loved by the Gods who will in turn help me find more of my art, and I will be a trailblazer of dance. I must marry my art. This is what I must do. Some people are more earthy. I am earthy in a respect, and I am airy in a respect. My feet are firmly planted in mid-air. I believe I ought to take that metaphor as my paradigm and be quite content with that position.
Thank you to misfit_punk84 for being there and allowing me be there; to dncingmalkavian for offering to be there when you can; to livewhatulearnd for being so open to hear me and spend time together; to darkartistrynkp for helping me to feel emotion again, even on minor primal levels; to zigamorph for just being a patient rock who knows far better than I that I definitely am fucked up, but that I have to sort it out my own way, and being fatherly in that respect; to parallaxviews for being able to intellectualize, explain, and inspire me in ways that I never expected about this; to elaur for being my mother figure; to Jeannie for being there, strong enough to clear the air and move forth, and being a figure of mutual trust; and to Birghandi and Mary for being willing and hearted to hear me out and see me open up and not being scared off by me. And to all of those who are beings of love and light who have shared theirs with me when my light has faded.