Where Are You Roaming? (22/25)
Author: lorelaisquared
Titile: Where Are You Roaming?
Fandom: Doctor Who
Word Count: 2775
Characters: Rose, Donna, Ten, Viola (OC)
Pairings: Rose/TenII, Rose/Ten
Summary: Sequel to What’s To Come is Still Unsure. Rose and Viola struggle to adjust to being in Rose’s original universe while the Doctor deals with the ramifications of his actions at "Bowie Base One" on Mars.
Rating: PG
Beta(s): meremoon, springhaze23
Author’s Note: An extra special thanks to springhaze23 who gave this a last-minute read through and found many minor errors.
Sorry for the lateness of thies posting. I have company at the moment so my online time is limited at the moment. No matter, here it is.
Special thanks to, meremoon for her invaluable feedback. Also a huge thank you to rumpelsnorcack for her constant support and cheerleading. A quick shout out to earlgreytea68 for periodically letting me bounce ideas off of her.
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 |
Chapter 22
The next week passed in a blur, punctuated notably by Jack's departure as he returned to his work at Torchwood. Despite his exit, the TARDIS remained full of life. One person's departure no longer left the Doctor in the lonely quiet. Instead, he was still astonishingly surrounded by people.
In many ways, the Doctor was happier than he’d been in a long time. He had two of his closest friends back in his life, plus a child who was continually shocking and surprising him - something not easily done. Donna in particular was back in her element, throwing herself headfirst into their adventures with enthusiasm and it delighted him to have her telling him off again when he was being stupid. She and Viola had started to bond and they’d become co-conspirators, frequently teaming up to prove him wrong or give him a hard time.
Rose often seemed like her old self as they bounded their way from place to place, and the Doctor was finding it increasingly difficult not to slip back into old habits like grasping her hand whenever they had to run, or pulling her into a tight hug when something brilliant happened. Inside the TARDIS however, Rose was different. She was quiet and reserved and since the day she’d ranted at him, she’d only spoken to him when absolutely necessary. He’d kept his distance, respecting her boundaries and treading carefully. He was terrified of doing something else to upset her and driving her away.
He still had a million questions about her and Viola. How had they managed to get back, anyway? What exactly had happened to Viola’s father? How long were they staying? How much time had passed for her?
He studied her carefully from across the room one afternoon, trying to determine if she’d aged at all since last he’d seen her. He concluded that it was very little, if at all, and decided that it must have been less than ten years for her. Any more than that and surely she’d be showing more signs of age?
When he wasn’t pondering the mysteries of Rose’s return, the Doctor was dwelling on his own recent failings and the apocalypse he’d nearly created. He didn’t blame Rose for raging at him that day. She’d been right about everything she’d said. In truth, he felt as though he deserved much worse than that. His actions had affected every being he’d ever been in contact with, in addition to all of creation and the guilt of it was beginning to eat him alive. He’d become the dangerous thing that others had to fight, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to forgive himself for that. He almost wished Rose would yell at him again because her recent silence was unbarable and yelling at himself was not nearly as effective.
To distract himself, the Doctor began to focus his efforts on puzzling out exactly what had happened to Rose and Donna when they’d vanished. After questioning them both, he knew that they had first gone to the Void and had been stuck there, in limbo, for a some time before they’d been pulled through the tears and seen the chaos that had been occurring. At that point, they’d taken matters into their own hands and found a way to set things right, something he hadn’t been able to do. What if they hadn’t been there to step in? The thought chilled him to the core and he shivered, pushing it from his mind. He refocused on the questions he still had instead.
His biggest preoccupation was the Void. That Donna and Rose had been sent there at all was cause enough for concern, but the fact that they’d survived the hostile environment for such a long time puzzled and worried him greatly. It should have killed them. Not that he was complaining, of course; he was eternally gratefully to have both of them back in his life, but still, there was something about the whole thing that niggled at the back of his mind, telling him that something still wasn’t quite right.
As the weeks passed, the Doctor started to notice little changes in all of them as they relaxed and adjusted to the new circumstances. They settled into a bit of a routine and some of the tension from their first days of being together on the TARDIS began to dissipate. With Viola’s help, he’d managed to build a retractable step stool that wrapped around the console so that she could climb up and help him pilot. He continued to be impressed by her flying skills, and after only a few flights he felt comfortable letting her fly the TARDIS solo.
Rose seemed more nervous than necessary whenever Viola took control alone, but for the life of him, the Doctor couldn’t figure out why. There was a lot about Rose he couldn’t figure out these days, actually, and it was beginning to drive him mad.
Thank goodness for Donna. Never had he been more grateful to have someone onboard his ship. She seemed to have an endless enthusiasm for travelling now, and by her lead they had visited some of his favourite places in the universe, and even some new ones that he’d never before had the pleasure of seeing. She had become a bit of a buffer between him and Rose, and he found that when she was around, Rose was more likely to speak to him conversationally.
Then, three months after Viola’s return, an unfortunate incident in the Velenium Nebula changed everything. It had been his idea to show it to them because he’d wanted to introduce all of them, especially Viola, to the amazing phenomenon of the phosphorescent Aurelia Peregrinus mating ritual. The entirety of the jellyfish-like species would gather at the centre of the Velenium Nebula every cycle and perform a choreographed dance accompanied by a haunting hum that resonated from each of them. The aim for them was simple - to attract a mate - and yet the sight was breathtaking, one of the greatest events the Doctor had ever seen.
It all started fine, of course, as most such events do, but it wasn’t long before things went horribly wrong and a band of Blandigorian Poachers turned up and started launching spears into the bloom, quickly capturing the specimens that had fallen. The Aurelia began to panic, darting in every direction attempting to flee before more of their group were captured.
Several of the creatures soared toward the observation platform that the Doctor and his friends were standing on, forcing them to duck for fear of being knocked off.
Thinking quickly, the Doctor grabbed the hands of the two people on either side of him, who happened to be Viola and Donna, and shouted, “Run!”
From the corner of his eye he spotted Donna grab Rose’s hand, and soon they were running as fast as they could. Hundreds of the Aurelia were zooming toward them now, their poisonous lappets narrowly missing them as they fled their attackers.
The TARDIS was nearly in sight and the Doctor began to sprint faster. If he could only get inside he would be able to keep them all safe while he found a way to stop the poachers. He was just reaching out to unlock the blue door when all of the Aurelia, including those who had fled, turned back and charged toward the Blandigorian ships.
“Doctor!” Donna screamed. “We have to stop them. They’ll be massacred!”
Initially the Doctor had thought there were only one or two ships, but as he turned to look now, he could see that there were thousands, all of them overflowing with hundreds of armed Blandigorian soldiers.
“No!” he yelled, pulling out his sonic screwdriver and racing back toward the fray as every surviving Aurelia entered the Blandigorian shooting rang. The ping of spears whizzing through space filled the air, and even as the Doctor aimed his sonic to shield the blow, the sharp points struck their targets and an entire race of magnificent creatures took their last breath and fell to their predators.
“No!” the Doctor shouted again, feeling his knees buckle beneath him as the full gravity of the situation hit him. “No!”
He felt an arm slip around his waist to support him and he barely registered surprise at the fact that it was Rose. His hearts had been broken too many times in the past and this, the genocide of yet another species was just too much. He let himself cling to Rose for comfort for several moments before returning to his senses and pulling away. Without looking at any of them, he walked back to the TARDIS, and once they were all on board, shifted them into the vortex and disappeared into the sanctuary of the library.
*~*~*~*~*
Rose stood in the doorway, her heart aching as she watched the Doctor sitting on the sofa, buried in an ancient-looking book. The darkness in his eyes told her he was clearly only pretending to read as he hid his pain over the calamity that they had just witnessed. She’d deliberately kept her distance in the past few weeks, but not because she was still angry with him. She wasn’t, not really. No, it was more a form of self-preservation as she tried to sort through her own emotions and the grief and guilt that had resulted from her husband’s death.
It hadn’t helped that, at first, every time she looked at him she saw her husband and her heart broke all over again. Recently, she’d begun seeing him for himself, though she still wasn’t as comfortable with him as she’d once been. It helped that he clearly adored her daughter, although that too had its complications, and Rose frequently worried that Viola was mistaking this man for her father. She could understand why, but Viola was so young and Rose feared it could be hindering her daughter’s natural grieving process.
Now though, it was the Doctor who was hurting, and Rose felt all her confusion and hesitation fall away as she stared at the man before her.
"Doctor?" She approached him cautiously.
He continued to look down at his book, but Rose knew perfectly well that he wasn’t actually reading it.
“There’s nothing any of us could have done,” Rose assured him. “It happened too quickly.”
He closed the book, all pretense gone and shook his head violently. “ The Aurelia Peregrinus were some of the most magnificent creatures in the universe and I killed them.” He gave a wry chuckle. “I’m like a plague.”
“You are no such thing,” Rose said sternly. “Do I need to bring Donna in here to slap some sense into you? Doctor, you didn’t do this. There was nothing you could have done.”
He shook his head again in disagreement and Rose realized that this was about a lot more than the Aurelia Peregrinus.
An instant later he confirmed her suspicions. “It’s my fault, Rose, all of it. I very nearly caused the entirety of the universe to collapse and what’s worse, I almost wiped you from existence. And Viola-" he choked on the last word and Rose felt as though her chest might burst. That he cared so much about her daughter meant a lot to her. “And now this… ”
Rose stepped closer, her hand outstretched so she could stroke his cheek. He startled as their skin made contact but he quickly relaxed and leaned into her touch, seeking comfort from it. "But you didn't. We’re fine now."
The Doctor closed his eyes. "Thanks to you - and Donna." His eyes flew open. "Donna. You fixed her when all I could do was break her. I nearly erased her."
Rose smiled wryly. "I didn't do it on purpose. It was an accident really."
He frowned. "An accident? How do you accidentally restore the memories of someone whose memory was wiped because her body physically couldn't handle it?"
Rose looked away, considering what she should tell him. For a brief moment she thought of not telling him everything, but then she remembered, painfully, how that lack of knowledge had led to her husband's death and she knew she had to tell him. She blinked away the tears that were threatening to surface and turned back to face him. "A few years ago - before Viola - Mum and I were attacked by some Ood."
"Attacked by Ood?" The Doctor exclaimed. "But Ood are peaceful creatures."
Rose nodded. "We found out years later that they were being controlled by Daleks - it's a long story. Anyway, during the attack I was shot. Mum thought I was dead."
The Doctor winced, his eyes darkening.
"That's when the Bad Wolf returned to me."
“The Bad Wolf!?" He whispered it, his voice a mixture of awe and concern.
"I was fine." She assured him. "I'm not sure, but I think the Bad Wolf had never really left me - it was just dormant and the blast from the Ood reawakened it. I was able to control it and it didn't hurt - not like before when you -"
He nodded, knowing what she meant without hearing the words.
"After that, things changed - though I didn't understand why until much later. We were able to conceive Viola after years of unsuccessful attempts, and I healed more easily. Eventually I realized that I'm like Jack - I'm aging really slowly, and I can't die. So, when I touched Donna, something happened. I can't really explain it but I know it was the Bad Wolf. It's like -" She paused, searching for the right words. "It's like I somehow gave her a part of the Bad Wolf at the same moment that her memories returned so she'd be able to handle them."
The Doctor stared at her. "You can't die?" he asked softly, as though he didn't quite believe it.
Rose smiled warmly and shook her head. "I can't die," she confirmed. Then she sobered, her smile faltering. "He didn't know." She whispered it so softly that the Doctor had to lean forward to hear her.
"He didn't know about the Bad Wolf?"
Roses eyes prickled and she tried desperately to blink away the tears that threatened to fall. "He didn't know and he tried to save me and now he's dead." On the last word her voice cracked and her tears began to fall. "I lost my husband and Viola lost her father and it's all my fault."
"Oh, Rose," the Doctor said tenderly as he reached out and pulled her into a comforting hug. She immediately buried her face into his shoulder and began to sob in earnest. "Rose, Rose, Rose. It's not your fault."
"But it is!" she cried, her voice muffled by his shoulder and her tears. "If I had told him then he wouldn't have sacrificed himself for me. He'd still be alive. Viola must hate me."
"Of course she doesn't. You’re her mother, and she adores you, any fool can see that. And you don't know for sure that knowing it would have changed anything."
"But-"
The Doctor took her by the shoulders and held her away from him so that she could see his face. "Rose, listen to me, it was an accident. Yes, maybe if he'd known he wouldn't have jumped in front of you, but if he loved you like I,” he hesitated, “like I knew he did; he would have done it anyway because he wouldn't have been able to bear to see you hurting even if it were only for a moment."
Tears were streaming down her face now. "But he was human! Why would he risk his life if he didn't have to? I should have told him." Suddenly she let out a shrill, bitter laugh causing the Doctor to raise his eyebrow questioningly.
"It's ironic," Rose explained. "His humanity was the reason I didn't tell him - I was afraid he'd do something foolish like try to take the Bad Wolf energy from me again, and I didn't want to lose him. In the end, I lost him anyway. And I robbed Viola of the father she adored."
"Oh, Rose, you did what you thought was right. You can't keep blaming yourself for something you can't change. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. But you don't have to go through it alone, Rose. I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere." The Doctor pulled her into his arms again and she felt him kiss the top of her head. Feeling safe for the first time since arriving back in this universe, Rose finally let go of the carefully bound hold she'd put on her emotions, and allowed herself to well and truly grieve the loss of her husband.
*~*~*~*~*
TBC
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
Titile: Where Are You Roaming?
Fandom: Doctor Who
Word Count: 2775
Characters: Rose, Donna, Ten, Viola (OC)
Pairings: Rose/TenII, Rose/Ten
Summary: Sequel to What’s To Come is Still Unsure. Rose and Viola struggle to adjust to being in Rose’s original universe while the Doctor deals with the ramifications of his actions at "Bowie Base One" on Mars.
Rating: PG
Beta(s): meremoon, springhaze23
Author’s Note: An extra special thanks to springhaze23 who gave this a last-minute read through and found many minor errors.
Sorry for the lateness of thies posting. I have company at the moment so my online time is limited at the moment. No matter, here it is.
Special thanks to, meremoon for her invaluable feedback. Also a huge thank you to rumpelsnorcack for her constant support and cheerleading. A quick shout out to earlgreytea68 for periodically letting me bounce ideas off of her.
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 |
Chapter 22
The next week passed in a blur, punctuated notably by Jack's departure as he returned to his work at Torchwood. Despite his exit, the TARDIS remained full of life. One person's departure no longer left the Doctor in the lonely quiet. Instead, he was still astonishingly surrounded by people.
In many ways, the Doctor was happier than he’d been in a long time. He had two of his closest friends back in his life, plus a child who was continually shocking and surprising him - something not easily done. Donna in particular was back in her element, throwing herself headfirst into their adventures with enthusiasm and it delighted him to have her telling him off again when he was being stupid. She and Viola had started to bond and they’d become co-conspirators, frequently teaming up to prove him wrong or give him a hard time.
Rose often seemed like her old self as they bounded their way from place to place, and the Doctor was finding it increasingly difficult not to slip back into old habits like grasping her hand whenever they had to run, or pulling her into a tight hug when something brilliant happened. Inside the TARDIS however, Rose was different. She was quiet and reserved and since the day she’d ranted at him, she’d only spoken to him when absolutely necessary. He’d kept his distance, respecting her boundaries and treading carefully. He was terrified of doing something else to upset her and driving her away.
He still had a million questions about her and Viola. How had they managed to get back, anyway? What exactly had happened to Viola’s father? How long were they staying? How much time had passed for her?
He studied her carefully from across the room one afternoon, trying to determine if she’d aged at all since last he’d seen her. He concluded that it was very little, if at all, and decided that it must have been less than ten years for her. Any more than that and surely she’d be showing more signs of age?
When he wasn’t pondering the mysteries of Rose’s return, the Doctor was dwelling on his own recent failings and the apocalypse he’d nearly created. He didn’t blame Rose for raging at him that day. She’d been right about everything she’d said. In truth, he felt as though he deserved much worse than that. His actions had affected every being he’d ever been in contact with, in addition to all of creation and the guilt of it was beginning to eat him alive. He’d become the dangerous thing that others had to fight, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to forgive himself for that. He almost wished Rose would yell at him again because her recent silence was unbarable and yelling at himself was not nearly as effective.
To distract himself, the Doctor began to focus his efforts on puzzling out exactly what had happened to Rose and Donna when they’d vanished. After questioning them both, he knew that they had first gone to the Void and had been stuck there, in limbo, for a some time before they’d been pulled through the tears and seen the chaos that had been occurring. At that point, they’d taken matters into their own hands and found a way to set things right, something he hadn’t been able to do. What if they hadn’t been there to step in? The thought chilled him to the core and he shivered, pushing it from his mind. He refocused on the questions he still had instead.
His biggest preoccupation was the Void. That Donna and Rose had been sent there at all was cause enough for concern, but the fact that they’d survived the hostile environment for such a long time puzzled and worried him greatly. It should have killed them. Not that he was complaining, of course; he was eternally gratefully to have both of them back in his life, but still, there was something about the whole thing that niggled at the back of his mind, telling him that something still wasn’t quite right.
As the weeks passed, the Doctor started to notice little changes in all of them as they relaxed and adjusted to the new circumstances. They settled into a bit of a routine and some of the tension from their first days of being together on the TARDIS began to dissipate. With Viola’s help, he’d managed to build a retractable step stool that wrapped around the console so that she could climb up and help him pilot. He continued to be impressed by her flying skills, and after only a few flights he felt comfortable letting her fly the TARDIS solo.
Rose seemed more nervous than necessary whenever Viola took control alone, but for the life of him, the Doctor couldn’t figure out why. There was a lot about Rose he couldn’t figure out these days, actually, and it was beginning to drive him mad.
Thank goodness for Donna. Never had he been more grateful to have someone onboard his ship. She seemed to have an endless enthusiasm for travelling now, and by her lead they had visited some of his favourite places in the universe, and even some new ones that he’d never before had the pleasure of seeing. She had become a bit of a buffer between him and Rose, and he found that when she was around, Rose was more likely to speak to him conversationally.
Then, three months after Viola’s return, an unfortunate incident in the Velenium Nebula changed everything. It had been his idea to show it to them because he’d wanted to introduce all of them, especially Viola, to the amazing phenomenon of the phosphorescent Aurelia Peregrinus mating ritual. The entirety of the jellyfish-like species would gather at the centre of the Velenium Nebula every cycle and perform a choreographed dance accompanied by a haunting hum that resonated from each of them. The aim for them was simple - to attract a mate - and yet the sight was breathtaking, one of the greatest events the Doctor had ever seen.
It all started fine, of course, as most such events do, but it wasn’t long before things went horribly wrong and a band of Blandigorian Poachers turned up and started launching spears into the bloom, quickly capturing the specimens that had fallen. The Aurelia began to panic, darting in every direction attempting to flee before more of their group were captured.
Several of the creatures soared toward the observation platform that the Doctor and his friends were standing on, forcing them to duck for fear of being knocked off.
Thinking quickly, the Doctor grabbed the hands of the two people on either side of him, who happened to be Viola and Donna, and shouted, “Run!”
From the corner of his eye he spotted Donna grab Rose’s hand, and soon they were running as fast as they could. Hundreds of the Aurelia were zooming toward them now, their poisonous lappets narrowly missing them as they fled their attackers.
The TARDIS was nearly in sight and the Doctor began to sprint faster. If he could only get inside he would be able to keep them all safe while he found a way to stop the poachers. He was just reaching out to unlock the blue door when all of the Aurelia, including those who had fled, turned back and charged toward the Blandigorian ships.
“Doctor!” Donna screamed. “We have to stop them. They’ll be massacred!”
Initially the Doctor had thought there were only one or two ships, but as he turned to look now, he could see that there were thousands, all of them overflowing with hundreds of armed Blandigorian soldiers.
“No!” he yelled, pulling out his sonic screwdriver and racing back toward the fray as every surviving Aurelia entered the Blandigorian shooting rang. The ping of spears whizzing through space filled the air, and even as the Doctor aimed his sonic to shield the blow, the sharp points struck their targets and an entire race of magnificent creatures took their last breath and fell to their predators.
“No!” the Doctor shouted again, feeling his knees buckle beneath him as the full gravity of the situation hit him. “No!”
He felt an arm slip around his waist to support him and he barely registered surprise at the fact that it was Rose. His hearts had been broken too many times in the past and this, the genocide of yet another species was just too much. He let himself cling to Rose for comfort for several moments before returning to his senses and pulling away. Without looking at any of them, he walked back to the TARDIS, and once they were all on board, shifted them into the vortex and disappeared into the sanctuary of the library.
*~*~*~*~*
Rose stood in the doorway, her heart aching as she watched the Doctor sitting on the sofa, buried in an ancient-looking book. The darkness in his eyes told her he was clearly only pretending to read as he hid his pain over the calamity that they had just witnessed. She’d deliberately kept her distance in the past few weeks, but not because she was still angry with him. She wasn’t, not really. No, it was more a form of self-preservation as she tried to sort through her own emotions and the grief and guilt that had resulted from her husband’s death.
It hadn’t helped that, at first, every time she looked at him she saw her husband and her heart broke all over again. Recently, she’d begun seeing him for himself, though she still wasn’t as comfortable with him as she’d once been. It helped that he clearly adored her daughter, although that too had its complications, and Rose frequently worried that Viola was mistaking this man for her father. She could understand why, but Viola was so young and Rose feared it could be hindering her daughter’s natural grieving process.
Now though, it was the Doctor who was hurting, and Rose felt all her confusion and hesitation fall away as she stared at the man before her.
"Doctor?" She approached him cautiously.
He continued to look down at his book, but Rose knew perfectly well that he wasn’t actually reading it.
“There’s nothing any of us could have done,” Rose assured him. “It happened too quickly.”
He closed the book, all pretense gone and shook his head violently. “ The Aurelia Peregrinus were some of the most magnificent creatures in the universe and I killed them.” He gave a wry chuckle. “I’m like a plague.”
“You are no such thing,” Rose said sternly. “Do I need to bring Donna in here to slap some sense into you? Doctor, you didn’t do this. There was nothing you could have done.”
He shook his head again in disagreement and Rose realized that this was about a lot more than the Aurelia Peregrinus.
An instant later he confirmed her suspicions. “It’s my fault, Rose, all of it. I very nearly caused the entirety of the universe to collapse and what’s worse, I almost wiped you from existence. And Viola-" he choked on the last word and Rose felt as though her chest might burst. That he cared so much about her daughter meant a lot to her. “And now this… ”
Rose stepped closer, her hand outstretched so she could stroke his cheek. He startled as their skin made contact but he quickly relaxed and leaned into her touch, seeking comfort from it. "But you didn't. We’re fine now."
The Doctor closed his eyes. "Thanks to you - and Donna." His eyes flew open. "Donna. You fixed her when all I could do was break her. I nearly erased her."
Rose smiled wryly. "I didn't do it on purpose. It was an accident really."
He frowned. "An accident? How do you accidentally restore the memories of someone whose memory was wiped because her body physically couldn't handle it?"
Rose looked away, considering what she should tell him. For a brief moment she thought of not telling him everything, but then she remembered, painfully, how that lack of knowledge had led to her husband's death and she knew she had to tell him. She blinked away the tears that were threatening to surface and turned back to face him. "A few years ago - before Viola - Mum and I were attacked by some Ood."
"Attacked by Ood?" The Doctor exclaimed. "But Ood are peaceful creatures."
Rose nodded. "We found out years later that they were being controlled by Daleks - it's a long story. Anyway, during the attack I was shot. Mum thought I was dead."
The Doctor winced, his eyes darkening.
"That's when the Bad Wolf returned to me."
“The Bad Wolf!?" He whispered it, his voice a mixture of awe and concern.
"I was fine." She assured him. "I'm not sure, but I think the Bad Wolf had never really left me - it was just dormant and the blast from the Ood reawakened it. I was able to control it and it didn't hurt - not like before when you -"
He nodded, knowing what she meant without hearing the words.
"After that, things changed - though I didn't understand why until much later. We were able to conceive Viola after years of unsuccessful attempts, and I healed more easily. Eventually I realized that I'm like Jack - I'm aging really slowly, and I can't die. So, when I touched Donna, something happened. I can't really explain it but I know it was the Bad Wolf. It's like -" She paused, searching for the right words. "It's like I somehow gave her a part of the Bad Wolf at the same moment that her memories returned so she'd be able to handle them."
The Doctor stared at her. "You can't die?" he asked softly, as though he didn't quite believe it.
Rose smiled warmly and shook her head. "I can't die," she confirmed. Then she sobered, her smile faltering. "He didn't know." She whispered it so softly that the Doctor had to lean forward to hear her.
"He didn't know about the Bad Wolf?"
Roses eyes prickled and she tried desperately to blink away the tears that threatened to fall. "He didn't know and he tried to save me and now he's dead." On the last word her voice cracked and her tears began to fall. "I lost my husband and Viola lost her father and it's all my fault."
"Oh, Rose," the Doctor said tenderly as he reached out and pulled her into a comforting hug. She immediately buried her face into his shoulder and began to sob in earnest. "Rose, Rose, Rose. It's not your fault."
"But it is!" she cried, her voice muffled by his shoulder and her tears. "If I had told him then he wouldn't have sacrificed himself for me. He'd still be alive. Viola must hate me."
"Of course she doesn't. You’re her mother, and she adores you, any fool can see that. And you don't know for sure that knowing it would have changed anything."
"But-"
The Doctor took her by the shoulders and held her away from him so that she could see his face. "Rose, listen to me, it was an accident. Yes, maybe if he'd known he wouldn't have jumped in front of you, but if he loved you like I,” he hesitated, “like I knew he did; he would have done it anyway because he wouldn't have been able to bear to see you hurting even if it were only for a moment."
Tears were streaming down her face now. "But he was human! Why would he risk his life if he didn't have to? I should have told him." Suddenly she let out a shrill, bitter laugh causing the Doctor to raise his eyebrow questioningly.
"It's ironic," Rose explained. "His humanity was the reason I didn't tell him - I was afraid he'd do something foolish like try to take the Bad Wolf energy from me again, and I didn't want to lose him. In the end, I lost him anyway. And I robbed Viola of the father she adored."
"Oh, Rose, you did what you thought was right. You can't keep blaming yourself for something you can't change. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. But you don't have to go through it alone, Rose. I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere." The Doctor pulled her into his arms again and she felt him kiss the top of her head. Feeling safe for the first time since arriving back in this universe, Rose finally let go of the carefully bound hold she'd put on her emotions, and allowed herself to well and truly grieve the loss of her husband.
*~*~*~*~*
TBC
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter