No one knows...
When I need someone to talk to about the things that flow through my mind, I can't find anybody who will keep an open mind and give me REAL advice on a way that might help "fix" what ever might be wrong. I'm seeing someone. A person I never thought I'd be dating. He's like an angel that God has put in my life to show me my faults so that I can work on them and be a better girlfriend for the next person. He's even told me that before.
The Story of Us:
He's someone I met roughly 2 years ago. We were just friends, hanging out on occasion, which soon turned in to every Saturday. Eventually, I started having feelings for him...knowing VERY WELL that he wasn't available. And I wasn't about to jeopardize our friendship by telling him how I felt. So like I do with most things, I kept it to myself. But one day, he expressed to me that he too had developed an interest in me. And so, like the fools people see us as, the flirtations began. Of course, there were no flirting in front of his wife. Although, a few times an admiring stare from one to the other was exchanged, but no verbal flirting. That's what text messaging is for. I knew it wasn't going to happen...the idea of US. So I kept it strictly to JUST texting. Then one day, the flirting/teasing, turned into him saying that one day, he'd like to be intimate with me. Of course I was shocked cuz I mean, why on earth would ANYONE want to be intimate with me? I'm a fat bitch. Seriously though. Anyways, we talked about it and I told him that I didn't want to ruin our friendship. He said the same thing. So I guess it could be seen as, we were going to be friends-with benefits. Then we shared our first kiss. And I'll tell you, I hadn't felt a kiss so passionate in a LONG time. It really made me gasp. Wow. The feeling of his lips kissing mine lingered for sooo long. It was amazing. He has two kids. Did I mention that? His eldest is 16 (I think) and his youngest is 13. His youngest lives with him and his wife (his youngest moved here recently from SD) and the oldest lives with his mom and dad (Grammy and Grampa). Well, from that day forward, our friendship growing into something a little more intimate. It wasn't until recently (December 15, 2007) did we actually make it "official". Now, before you go thinking that I broke up his happy home, just know that he actually TALKED to his WIFE about taking me as his girlfriend and surprisingly enough, SHE WAS OK WITH IT. I know, huh? Who, in their right mind, would allow their husband to have a girlfriend...and actually LIKE hanging out with this girlfriend? But, she's fine with it. So the three of us hang out a few nights during the week (when he gets off work) and then on the weekends. I never thought I would actually be in a relationship where the person I was with was already committed to someone else. But then again, you never know what life will throw at you. *sigh* I admit, it's hard. It's especially hard when I'm sitting in the room with them and he's staring at her with that look in his eye that says, "As soon as she goes home, I'm gona fuck you crazy". But at the same time, I've never felt so good about myself. He's helped me with a lot of things...I've lost a lot of weight since we've been together, and it's not because we have sex (because we barely even do that). I'm wearing clothes that actually fit me and that don't just HANG on me. My hair has grown out nice and long...I'm a completely different person, physically anyway. So for some reason, our relationship has worked (so far). He's really good at letting me know how he feels and talking to me about things. It's unusual for me to. I've never had someone be so open and honest with me. So my dilemma seems to be this - I some times feel like I just don't belong here. By here I mean, in this relationship. And I know you guys are saying, "Well DUH!" But if you knew what we go through together (the three of us) I think you'd understand more why I stick around. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. I am. An old friend that I hadn't seen in probably a year even said that I looked happier. But what I get hurt by is when he tells me we're gona spend alone time together and doesn't follow through because he's too tired or he gets too busy. And Sundays are the days HE dubbed our day to be intimate with each other. And so when Sundays come along, I look forward to our time together. Not cuz of the sex, but because I just like being able to have that time with him. When I tell him this, I get him telling me that I actually see him awake more than his wife and son do. I spend his breaks (which are either an hour or 30 minutes, depending on the day) with him and then on the weekends, it's the three of us. Some times during the week, I hang out with them when he gets off work. So yeah, I spend a lot of time with him, but it's not necessarily ALONE time or for very long. But then he says, "Take what I can give you. If you want more, then I'm not the one you need." So, I suck it up and take what I can. But when he tells me that we're gona have alone time, Sunday at 5pm, I get REALLY hurt when he doesn't come through. But if I say something, it's always the same..."Take what I can give you. Or you need to find someone else who can give you what you're looking for." But at the same time, it's not that I'm ungrateful for the time I DO spend with him, but I look at it like, his wife gets to fall asleep in his arms (or her arms around him) and she gets to wake up with him...and they can have sex whenever. But I know it's cuz it's his wife. And I knew going into this that I'm only second in his life (the second intimate person anyway). I'm like...somewhere toward the middle of his list when it comes to who is important in his life, but that's the same in my "list". So I'm not saying that in a bad way. Just trying to clear my head a little and let out a lot of things that I can't seem to find an outlet for. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. Ok, so now I remember what I really wanted to say...Sundays were dubbed OUR day to be intimate ALONE together. But when he tells me we'll get together at 5pm on Sunday but then we don't, it is a little disappointing. But I suck it up and say, "It's ok. I know you're tired. We can hang out another day." But then come Monday, he tells me he didn't sleep cuz of this or that thing and how him and his wife ha AMAZING, MINDBLOWING sex, that's like taking a knife and stabbing me with it. But then again, I can't say anything cuz it's his WIFE. Who am I to get hurt when he tells me that we're gona get to spend time together to do something, but then goes and does it with her instead? I have no RIGHT to feel like I do. That's just how it is, right? I put myself here. I knew BEFORE we got into this relationship that I wasn't going to have "special attention". It all comes back to, I'm the OTHER woman and so if I can't handle that fact, I need to leave. So...I'm TRYING to get over it. *sigh* But I don't have anybody to tell all this to, so it stays locked up inside and from time to time it makes its way to my mind/heart. And that's when I find myself in trouble and doubting myself. *sigh* Ok. That's all for now cuz my laptop is going to die.
The Story of Us:
He's someone I met roughly 2 years ago. We were just friends, hanging out on occasion, which soon turned in to every Saturday. Eventually, I started having feelings for him...knowing VERY WELL that he wasn't available. And I wasn't about to jeopardize our friendship by telling him how I felt. So like I do with most things, I kept it to myself. But one day, he expressed to me that he too had developed an interest in me. And so, like the fools people see us as, the flirtations began. Of course, there were no flirting in front of his wife. Although, a few times an admiring stare from one to the other was exchanged, but no verbal flirting. That's what text messaging is for. I knew it wasn't going to happen...the idea of US. So I kept it strictly to JUST texting. Then one day, the flirting/teasing, turned into him saying that one day, he'd like to be intimate with me. Of course I was shocked cuz I mean, why on earth would ANYONE want to be intimate with me? I'm a fat bitch. Seriously though. Anyways, we talked about it and I told him that I didn't want to ruin our friendship. He said the same thing. So I guess it could be seen as, we were going to be friends-with benefits. Then we shared our first kiss. And I'll tell you, I hadn't felt a kiss so passionate in a LONG time. It really made me gasp. Wow. The feeling of his lips kissing mine lingered for sooo long. It was amazing. He has two kids. Did I mention that? His eldest is 16 (I think) and his youngest is 13. His youngest lives with him and his wife (his youngest moved here recently from SD) and the oldest lives with his mom and dad (Grammy and Grampa). Well, from that day forward, our friendship growing into something a little more intimate. It wasn't until recently (December 15, 2007) did we actually make it "official". Now, before you go thinking that I broke up his happy home, just know that he actually TALKED to his WIFE about taking me as his girlfriend and surprisingly enough, SHE WAS OK WITH IT. I know, huh? Who, in their right mind, would allow their husband to have a girlfriend...and actually LIKE hanging out with this girlfriend? But, she's fine with it. So the three of us hang out a few nights during the week (when he gets off work) and then on the weekends. I never thought I would actually be in a relationship where the person I was with was already committed to someone else. But then again, you never know what life will throw at you. *sigh* I admit, it's hard. It's especially hard when I'm sitting in the room with them and he's staring at her with that look in his eye that says, "As soon as she goes home, I'm gona fuck you crazy". But at the same time, I've never felt so good about myself. He's helped me with a lot of things...I've lost a lot of weight since we've been together, and it's not because we have sex (because we barely even do that). I'm wearing clothes that actually fit me and that don't just HANG on me. My hair has grown out nice and long...I'm a completely different person, physically anyway. So for some reason, our relationship has worked (so far). He's really good at letting me know how he feels and talking to me about things. It's unusual for me to. I've never had someone be so open and honest with me. So my dilemma seems to be this - I some times feel like I just don't belong here. By here I mean, in this relationship. And I know you guys are saying, "Well DUH!" But if you knew what we go through together (the three of us) I think you'd understand more why I stick around. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. I am. An old friend that I hadn't seen in probably a year even said that I looked happier. But what I get hurt by is when he tells me we're gona spend alone time together and doesn't follow through because he's too tired or he gets too busy. And Sundays are the days HE dubbed our day to be intimate with each other. And so when Sundays come along, I look forward to our time together. Not cuz of the sex, but because I just like being able to have that time with him. When I tell him this, I get him telling me that I actually see him awake more than his wife and son do. I spend his breaks (which are either an hour or 30 minutes, depending on the day) with him and then on the weekends, it's the three of us. Some times during the week, I hang out with them when he gets off work. So yeah, I spend a lot of time with him, but it's not necessarily ALONE time or for very long. But then he says, "Take what I can give you. If you want more, then I'm not the one you need." So, I suck it up and take what I can. But when he tells me that we're gona have alone time, Sunday at 5pm, I get REALLY hurt when he doesn't come through. But if I say something, it's always the same..."Take what I can give you. Or you need to find someone else who can give you what you're looking for." But at the same time, it's not that I'm ungrateful for the time I DO spend with him, but I look at it like, his wife gets to fall asleep in his arms (or her arms around him) and she gets to wake up with him...and they can have sex whenever. But I know it's cuz it's his wife. And I knew going into this that I'm only second in his life (the second intimate person anyway). I'm like...somewhere toward the middle of his list when it comes to who is important in his life, but that's the same in my "list". So I'm not saying that in a bad way. Just trying to clear my head a little and let out a lot of things that I can't seem to find an outlet for. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. Ok, so now I remember what I really wanted to say...Sundays were dubbed OUR day to be intimate ALONE together. But when he tells me we'll get together at 5pm on Sunday but then we don't, it is a little disappointing. But I suck it up and say, "It's ok. I know you're tired. We can hang out another day." But then come Monday, he tells me he didn't sleep cuz of this or that thing and how him and his wife ha AMAZING, MINDBLOWING sex, that's like taking a knife and stabbing me with it. But then again, I can't say anything cuz it's his WIFE. Who am I to get hurt when he tells me that we're gona get to spend time together to do something, but then goes and does it with her instead? I have no RIGHT to feel like I do. That's just how it is, right? I put myself here. I knew BEFORE we got into this relationship that I wasn't going to have "special attention". It all comes back to, I'm the OTHER woman and so if I can't handle that fact, I need to leave. So...I'm TRYING to get over it. *sigh* But I don't have anybody to tell all this to, so it stays locked up inside and from time to time it makes its way to my mind/heart. And that's when I find myself in trouble and doubting myself. *sigh* Ok. That's all for now cuz my laptop is going to die.