A HUGE BREAKTHROUGH
I went to my therapy appointment on Tuesday. I started in with the issue of Dazzle and how she disappeared for 2 weeks without telling us and how that made me feel. Then we segued into Brandi moving to SD and how she asked if I could pick up John in Moorpark and how I flat out told her no because I don't like him. haha And then we started talking about how I was adopted at 2.5 years old. She asked me what I was doing before then and I said, "Living in the orphanage?" haha She said, "Well, there you go. That's why you feel so strongly about the issue with the boys living in the Philippines." See, it stems back to the whole my being adopted thing. You know I have this HUGE issue with rejection and the feeling of abandonment. And I’m always saying that it's prolly cuz of the fact that I'm adopted and such. Well, I was right. Because I was adopted and I lived in the orphanage for the first couple years (which are also pretty vital) I have these issues. Dr. Jones said that even though I was 2, I still see what's going on around me. Maybe I saw couples coming and going but not taking me with them. That's where the fear of rejection comes from. Then she went on to say that maybe I had a little friend and they got adopted but I didn't...and that's where the feeling of abandonment came in. And since Dazzle & Edwin want to take the boys to her mom's in the Philippines, I know how the boys will grow up. They'll grow up with the same fears as I do, because they were once loved and they saw the same faces everyday...and then all of a sudden, they're seeing strangers every morning and Mommy & Daddy (and Tita) aren't there to hold them when they cry. They'll wonder why we left them. They'll grow up not knowing the reason why. Yeah, they'll get old enough to understand that it was out of love but until then, they'll start to grow a little resentment toward us. And so yeah. That was my session with Dr. Jones. The reason my relationships (both friends and otherwise) are always so...up and down is because I fear abandonment. I'm so incredibly scared of letting people really close and in to my life in a deep aspect because I don't want them to reject me and then abandon me. That's why it hurt so badly when Brandi (of whom I let in closer than I’ve let any friend) left without telling me why. And then to have her return like nothing happened...or to expect me to be ok with it, I REALLY dislike her and I hold bitter feelings and resentment for what happened. I push people away before they leave me. That way, it doesn't hurt as bad. I love Dr. Jones because she helped me confirm that all my fears came from what I thought all along...my being adopted.