More on Hurt, Love and Loss
Warning: Intense emotionalism and cursing content. I am venting, deal with it. No I am not going to do anything like self-harm, but I need to get it out in the open. At least that is what I am being told over and over again. Hell, holding it in ain't helping but to allow it to increase.
Why do I take so long getting over some women in my life? No really, inquiring minds want to know. You know, like mine…
Please forgive, but I just tapped into an emotional response that I have been pushing back from myself, lo these last few months.
So, what the fuck is wrong with me? I know I was married, but I am not now. All I was was a distraction from problems that plagued her (not the ex-wife, more current) at the time and when the situation was over, I was put back where I belonged, in support, the back of the fucking bus and cast aside.
I usually try to monitor my language, but I am hurt, pissed and still fucking alone. Along with the rise of this back-log of emotion is a lot of anger, (more) hurt, 'not understanding' and just plain raw, brilliant, yet ice cold emotion that churns and makes my chest want to cave-in and explode at the same time. When the emotions come out in this fashion, it is hard to not react in a childish manner and just sit in spot and flail about until I break everything around me, but there is no future in that, now is there? I would have to buy everything over again and it is not the 'adult' thing to do. After all I am forty-four god-damned, mother-fucking, ass-sucking years OLD. Right? I should know better… RIGHT?
Along with this emotion is a lot of 'un-trust' eking out around the edges. I mean, if I were led down the merry path so easily, what makes me think that it will not happen again? I should guard against that again, right? I mean, I am recently divorced - that did not work out. And this recent relationship gone right to hell, why should I trust anyone again? Love and relationships mean leaving yourself open to the possibility of hurt again, right? When we know a knife laid on the skin could possibly cut, and cut deeply, we just don't do it, right? We know that holding a firecracker in our hand, it is usually not a good idea to light it and just stand there holding it, right? Well, common sense is not so common, but I do try to not walk through life damaging my shit as I go.
Well, I was interrupted by the chance to play some City of Villains. Well I do like playing a Hero better, but I was in the mood to SMASH! You can understand, no?
Well, I am more calm and collected now. I have had the chance to chat with my brother, My Dad and another friend. I read what I have written before and I still feel the rise of emotion, but the intensity of it has subsided to a manageable level. Or it may be that my self-defense controls have reasserted themselves and the feelings have been pushed back down into the pits. Either way, I am not hurting as much as I was this early evening. I am sure I will allow myself to dip into those feelings again and bear them out. It is not good to keep it all locked up too tightly, but then again, it can tend to cause people to drift or run away if the emotion is too intense. (That is another issue of mine - for a later rant for tonight it is late and classes begin in the morning, whether I am there or not. Time and tide, eh?)
You know, it does occur to me that other might read this (pa-shah! Ya think?) What would happen to me if others read this diatribe and I was talking about them? Well the veil I have thrown across them is not a thick wool affair, the people who know me and/or know these individuals will see the true person behind the nom-de-plum. Yes, I am terrified that these people will read this and I sometimes worry what if they do not like what they read? I am being crass, vulgar (at least in this last addition), honest and putting my feelings out there. Sorting them out, some of them for the first time. Yes, my dearest reader, I am being human. I am writing what I know. Currently, what I know is pain and the solitude of putting myself on the edge so I can bear the burden of there woes, so that they can rest easy and get on with things. To some extent I am not giving them permission to deal and cope with their own issues. On the other hand, I am not giving myself permission to be human and to deal with my own thoughts and emotions, spending all my time worrying for others. Worrying for them so they do not have to worry for themselves.
To wit, I am learning how to be my own man. To learn how to deal with my being alone, my personal demons and learning how to not give my personal demons the chains they need to enslave me to a life of mediocrity in the service to others. Yes, people deserve my aid and I shall continue to ride to the rescue of people around me, but hopefully before I learn to conquer my issues first.
I think I begin to wax philosophic too much and need to put these, and myself, to bed.
By the way, Caitlin is still my Angelina, in my heart. My psychologist is right, we do not choose who we fall in Love with.
Why do I take so long getting over some women in my life? No really, inquiring minds want to know. You know, like mine…
Please forgive, but I just tapped into an emotional response that I have been pushing back from myself, lo these last few months.
So, what the fuck is wrong with me? I know I was married, but I am not now. All I was was a distraction from problems that plagued her (not the ex-wife, more current) at the time and when the situation was over, I was put back where I belonged, in support, the back of the fucking bus and cast aside.
I usually try to monitor my language, but I am hurt, pissed and still fucking alone. Along with the rise of this back-log of emotion is a lot of anger, (more) hurt, 'not understanding' and just plain raw, brilliant, yet ice cold emotion that churns and makes my chest want to cave-in and explode at the same time. When the emotions come out in this fashion, it is hard to not react in a childish manner and just sit in spot and flail about until I break everything around me, but there is no future in that, now is there? I would have to buy everything over again and it is not the 'adult' thing to do. After all I am forty-four god-damned, mother-fucking, ass-sucking years OLD. Right? I should know better… RIGHT?
Along with this emotion is a lot of 'un-trust' eking out around the edges. I mean, if I were led down the merry path so easily, what makes me think that it will not happen again? I should guard against that again, right? I mean, I am recently divorced - that did not work out. And this recent relationship gone right to hell, why should I trust anyone again? Love and relationships mean leaving yourself open to the possibility of hurt again, right? When we know a knife laid on the skin could possibly cut, and cut deeply, we just don't do it, right? We know that holding a firecracker in our hand, it is usually not a good idea to light it and just stand there holding it, right? Well, common sense is not so common, but I do try to not walk through life damaging my shit as I go.
Well, I was interrupted by the chance to play some City of Villains. Well I do like playing a Hero better, but I was in the mood to SMASH! You can understand, no?
Well, I am more calm and collected now. I have had the chance to chat with my brother, My Dad and another friend. I read what I have written before and I still feel the rise of emotion, but the intensity of it has subsided to a manageable level. Or it may be that my self-defense controls have reasserted themselves and the feelings have been pushed back down into the pits. Either way, I am not hurting as much as I was this early evening. I am sure I will allow myself to dip into those feelings again and bear them out. It is not good to keep it all locked up too tightly, but then again, it can tend to cause people to drift or run away if the emotion is too intense. (That is another issue of mine - for a later rant for tonight it is late and classes begin in the morning, whether I am there or not. Time and tide, eh?)
You know, it does occur to me that other might read this (pa-shah! Ya think?) What would happen to me if others read this diatribe and I was talking about them? Well the veil I have thrown across them is not a thick wool affair, the people who know me and/or know these individuals will see the true person behind the nom-de-plum. Yes, I am terrified that these people will read this and I sometimes worry what if they do not like what they read? I am being crass, vulgar (at least in this last addition), honest and putting my feelings out there. Sorting them out, some of them for the first time. Yes, my dearest reader, I am being human. I am writing what I know. Currently, what I know is pain and the solitude of putting myself on the edge so I can bear the burden of there woes, so that they can rest easy and get on with things. To some extent I am not giving them permission to deal and cope with their own issues. On the other hand, I am not giving myself permission to be human and to deal with my own thoughts and emotions, spending all my time worrying for others. Worrying for them so they do not have to worry for themselves.
To wit, I am learning how to be my own man. To learn how to deal with my being alone, my personal demons and learning how to not give my personal demons the chains they need to enslave me to a life of mediocrity in the service to others. Yes, people deserve my aid and I shall continue to ride to the rescue of people around me, but hopefully before I learn to conquer my issues first.
I think I begin to wax philosophic too much and need to put these, and myself, to bed.
By the way, Caitlin is still my Angelina, in my heart. My psychologist is right, we do not choose who we fall in Love with.