Insomniac
My god, it's 5:30 in the morning and I can't stay asleep to save my life. It's been a restless and uncomfortable night. I've only been able to stay asleep for little periods of time and then I wake up and just lay there thinking. My mind is in overdrive and I wish it wasn't. I've been thinking about worries all night.
I guess it started with me thinking about relationship stuff. I'm probably dwelling on that because I hung out with Hayley yesterday. I really miss the feeling I get when she is around. She always "gets" me. I can be my wierd self and it's cool. She shares in it. She is also the most helpful person I've ever had in my life. When I'm panicked, scared and ready to give up she always thinks everything over with a cool head, lays out a plan and motivates me to get there. My two years with her was the best experence of my life and I want it back more then anything. Then there is the phisical side of things. When we were sitting here yesterday I kept catching myself looking at her, still finding her as beautiful as when I first met her. More so even. I want my angel back.
Then my mind switched gears. I got to thinking about whats going to happen after Amanda has the kid and Zach moves. I don't want to have to move but I don't know who is going to move in and if they will be reliable. Marc is pretty much out. He's looking for a place for him and Alex. Brondon is out because I couldn't deal with him and Alicia drama. Jake has his own house now. Jay and Steve are the only possibilities. I'd like for Steve to move but I don't know for sure if he will. Jay seems like he wants to but I don't know if we'll both be reliable and keep up with the bills. I'm just scared that this wonderful time I've been having with my own place is either going to end or going to become a lot harder.
I also started to think about the future. I hate when I do that. I realized that I'm not really saving any money right now. I'm just making it on my own. Originally Steve and I wanted to be in wrestling school by the end of the summer but I have absolutely no cash saved up for that. Without getting into that or goign back to school, which I also have no money for and can't afford to take less hours at work to go, I'm not going anywhere. Eventually I'm going to miss the opportunity at my dreams and the life I want. If that doesn't work out I don't know what to do with myself. I can't just continue to "just make it" on my own.
Anyway maybe blogging this will help. Maybe I can go to sleep for a couple hours now. I have work at 9:00.
Oh, I'm supposed to meet up with someone I havn't really talked to in a few years. Supposed to happen sometime soon. Catch up on things. I'm kind of excited about it.
Out.
I guess it started with me thinking about relationship stuff. I'm probably dwelling on that because I hung out with Hayley yesterday. I really miss the feeling I get when she is around. She always "gets" me. I can be my wierd self and it's cool. She shares in it. She is also the most helpful person I've ever had in my life. When I'm panicked, scared and ready to give up she always thinks everything over with a cool head, lays out a plan and motivates me to get there. My two years with her was the best experence of my life and I want it back more then anything. Then there is the phisical side of things. When we were sitting here yesterday I kept catching myself looking at her, still finding her as beautiful as when I first met her. More so even. I want my angel back.
Then my mind switched gears. I got to thinking about whats going to happen after Amanda has the kid and Zach moves. I don't want to have to move but I don't know who is going to move in and if they will be reliable. Marc is pretty much out. He's looking for a place for him and Alex. Brondon is out because I couldn't deal with him and Alicia drama. Jake has his own house now. Jay and Steve are the only possibilities. I'd like for Steve to move but I don't know for sure if he will. Jay seems like he wants to but I don't know if we'll both be reliable and keep up with the bills. I'm just scared that this wonderful time I've been having with my own place is either going to end or going to become a lot harder.
I also started to think about the future. I hate when I do that. I realized that I'm not really saving any money right now. I'm just making it on my own. Originally Steve and I wanted to be in wrestling school by the end of the summer but I have absolutely no cash saved up for that. Without getting into that or goign back to school, which I also have no money for and can't afford to take less hours at work to go, I'm not going anywhere. Eventually I'm going to miss the opportunity at my dreams and the life I want. If that doesn't work out I don't know what to do with myself. I can't just continue to "just make it" on my own.
Anyway maybe blogging this will help. Maybe I can go to sleep for a couple hours now. I have work at 9:00.
Oh, I'm supposed to meet up with someone I havn't really talked to in a few years. Supposed to happen sometime soon. Catch up on things. I'm kind of excited about it.
Out.