Through The Eyes To Your Soul (12/15)
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Through Season 2
Word Count: ~5200 (this part)
Disclaimer: I asked for the rights to Glee for Christmas, but that didn't pan out.
Summary: SoulmateAU. Story begins just prior to NBK. Blaine goes through a procedure to find his soulmate. The results aren't quite what he was expecting.
Prologue * Part 1 * Part 2 * Part 3 * Part 4 * Part 5 * Part 6 * Part 7 * Part 8 * Part 9 * Part 10 * Part 11
A/N: Hey everyone! So while the comments for the last chapter were almost all positive, I did receive some less than enthusiastic or friendly feedback as well, which (believe it or not) I understand and appreciate. I hope this chapter helps to put the last one in better perspective.
There’s a - we’ll call it an author’s commentary - at the end of this chapter for those who had concerns about Blaine and/or his behavior (or for anyone who’d like to know more about how and why I planned the events in Chapters 11 & 12 this way).
I’m unbelievably grateful to anyone reading, commenting, liking, reviewing, and/or recommending this fic. Even the negative stuff, because it means you’re interested in and possibly even invested in what happens in this little story I’m telling. My sincerest thanks.
Now on with the show.
Blaine guesses he’s about three days away from an intervention. He knows Wes and David and the other guys don’t think he sees the looks they give each other. He knows, too, that those looks are about him.
He wishes he knew how to snap out of this - whatever mood this is. Ever since the car ride with his friends after the performance at Breadstix, Blaine hasn’t wanted to be around anyone. He prefers to keep to himself, trying not to think about the possibilities, the what-ifs. Desperate to know if Kurt is really his soulmate but at the same time scared to learn for certain because there’s so much that could go wrong.
If he wanted to talk about it, with Wes or Nick or any of his friends, Blaine is certain they’d listen. That’s the kind of guys they are, and God - Blaine knows how lucky he is. It’s hard to ask for help, for an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, though, when he doesn’t know … anything. How he feels, what he wants, or just how many ways he’s scared.
And if he’s honest with himself, he’s still angry. He doesn’t want to be because he knows his friends only have his best interests at heart, but Blaine is having a hard time letting go of the fact that they knew something might not be right with his soulmate and let him continue focusing on the 2%. Every time he convinces himself that he’s not angry anymore, a fleeting thought crosses his mind. Why didn’t they tell me?
So instead of hanging out after Warblers’ practice or lying around David’s room watching movies and throwing Hershey’s kisses at Jeff’s head, he sits alone in the library. Or his room. Or the dining hall. The solitude is simultaneously a relief and a burden.
* * * * * * * * *
To his surprise, it’s Kurt who says something first.
“Hey, mind if I sit here?”
Blaine looks up from his spot on the couch in one of Dalton’s study rooms. He nods at Kurt. “Sure.”
“Good. Thanks. I wanted to, um,” Kurt bites his lip. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay. You’ve been really quiet and kind of keeping to yourself for the last several days, close to two weeks, actually, and I’m starting to get worried.” Blaine looks down and doesn’t say anything, and after a few moments of silence Kurt continues. “I know you’re probably still upset because that guy, whoever he is, turned you down -”
“What?” Blaine snaps his eyes back up to Kurt.
“The guy? You said right before Valentine’s Day that there was someone you, uh, liked, and I know that can be difficult, but Blaine, if he doesn’t see how amazing you are, then he doesn’t deserve you.” Kurt rolls his eyes. “Sorry. If you want to talk about it I promise not to rely on trite clichés for advice.” He smiles, and Blaine feels his shoulders loosen a fraction.
He shakes his head. “Kurt, I’m not upset about Jeremiah. Honestly, I haven’t thought about him since.”
“Oh.” Kurt tilts his head in confusion. “I just assumed that’s why you’ve been… Oh. Is there something else you want to talk about? You know I’m here if you want to talk. Unless…” Kurt eyes grow wide. “You’re not - are you mad at me?”
“What?” Blaine reaches out and puts a hand on Kurt’s arm. “I’m not mad at you Kurt, I swear. I, well, I…” How can he explain this without explaining it? “I found out about … something … that surprised me. I think surprised me. Maybe. Maybe not? I don’t really, uh, know.” He realizes he’s rambling and takes a deep breath.
“I don’t want to get into it, not because I don’t trust you,” he says when he sees Kurt’s face fall slightly, “but because I don’t know what I’m feeling. It’s one of those things where, like, you think you know you’re standing right-side-up, but then suddenly, without warning, someone tells you you’re upside-down. And then you realize that this whole time, not only have you not been right-side-up,” Blaine pauses and exhales slowly. “You’ve been falling down a rabbit hole.”
Kurt nods, looking over at him with a slight smile. “Does that make you Alice?”
Blaine looks back at Kurt. “Honestly, I’m starting to think it might make me Prince Charming in the wrong fairy tale.”
* * * * * * * * *
The next day Kurt finds Blaine again, this time in the library. “Hey,” he whispers as he pulls up a chair to the table where Blaine is studying, “I know I said I wouldn’t bother you about whatever you’re going through anymore, and I’m not, but I think I might know how to get your mind off things.”
“Really? How?” Blaine whispers back.
“I just found out that Rachel’s having a party tomorrow night. Puck and Santana have talked her into it, complete with alcohol and heaven only knows what else, so it’s going to be a catastrophe. I mean, a catastrophe. So obviously it’s a must-attend event, if only for the whole schadenfraude of it all.” He grins at Blaine. “Care to join me?”
“Will it be a problem? Fraternizing with the enemy?”
Kurt scoffs, waving his hand in the air. “It’ll be fine. Finn owes me, so I’ll make him take us.”
“He owes you?”
“Well,” Kurt smirks, “owes me, wants to keep me from telling our parents what’s in his internet browser history, same difference. I swear, if he ever figures out how to delete that, I’m going to have far less power in our brotherly relationship.”
Blaine grins and says, “Okay then, I’m in. Sounds just horrible enough to be a distraction.”
“What’s a distraction?” Jeff asks as he drops ungracefully into a chair on the other side of Kurt. “Are we planning another movie night? Or better yet, a heist? Espionage?”
“How do you get from movie night to heist?” Kurt laughs.
“Talent and the right equipment.” He waggles his eyebrows. “So what’s the distraction? I need to know what to wear and how solid my alibi needs to be.”
Kurt hits Jeff lightly on the shoulder, still laughing. “Nothing that requires anything of the sort. Blaine and I are going to a party tomorrow.”
“PARTY!” Jeff shouts.
“Shhh! We’re in the library, Jeff, for God’s sake.” Blaine cautions. He looks around and sees everyone staring at them.
Jeff pays absolutely no attention and instead starts doing body rolls in his chair. “Where? When? Do they need a DJ? I know this guy, he seems a little strange because of his John Tyler tattoo and his crazy girlfriend who thinks she’s Jamie Lee Curtis and the woodpecker that lives in his hair, but he’s really good.”
Blaine shakes his head to, well, all of it, but Kurt asks, “John Tyler?”
“Tenth President of the United States.”
“Ah, yes, of course.” Kurt answers. “I don’t think we need a DJ, but thanks. It’s just a New Directions party over at Rachel’s. We’ll probably leave here right after class so we can get ready and pick up Finn. Meet at my car?”
“Oh.” Jeff looks back and forth between the other two. “Just New Directions and you guys?” Kurt nods. “Oh, hmm, I don’t think,” he coughs, sudden and loudly and completely fake, “I can make it.” Another cough. “I think,” he pauses to cough again, “I may have broken my ankle.” He jumps up and grabs his bag. “Gotta go! Have fun!”
Kurt laughs again, though he looks puzzled. “What was that?”
“It’s Jeff. Who knows?” Blaine says, but he’s trying not to cringe. Jeff really isn’t subtle.
* * * * * * * * *
The party is every bit the catastrophe Kurt promised, but Blaine doesn’t care. He’s surrounded by people who don’t really know him, and right now that’s a great thing. There’s no one side-eyeing him. No one watching for his reaction to something someone says about soulmates. No one watching him period. It’s freeing.
Blaine isn’t a drinker; he’s only had alcohol once or twice before, and even then it was just a few sips. Drinking too much can lead to being out of control, and if there’s one thing Blaine hates it’s being out of control of a situation.
Tonight, though, he welcomes the chance to indulge and quickly downs three glasses of whatever Puck hands him. All Blaine’s been doing for the last several days - hell, the last several months - is think. And think. And think and think and think and think and think.
Think is a weird word if you think about it. Think about think. Someone is laughing because Blaine is funny about thinking. No, wait. Blaine is the one laughing out loud. Doesn’t matter. Still funny.
Maybe the fourth cup wasn’t a good idea.
Blaine is dancing, not caring what he looks like or who’s watching, and it feels fucking fantastic. Well, until he notices Kurt dancing. Kurt looks so awesome dancing with his hands and his face and wiggling his ass, and Blaine thinks maybe Kurt’s ass has gay superpowers that hold him in thrall and won’t let him look away. No, that’s stupid. It’s not just gay superpowers. No one, gay or straight, would be able to look away.
Then Kurt starts dancing next to Finn. And they’re talking and dancing and Blaine remembers that Kurt used to have a crush on Finn. Oh God, what if he still does, or what if the alcohol makes him forget that he doesn’t like Finn anymore? And what if Kurt’s superpower ass makes Finn forget that he’s straight and related to Kurt now? Shit. Blaine needs to save them.
He stumbles over to the other side of Finn and puts his arm around his shoulders. Big tall shoulders. “Hey! It is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers! Right? Like, brothers.” Blaine has to remind them that they’re related or Finn won’t be able to withstand Kurt’s superpower ass. Is it working? He hopes it’s working. “Wow.” He looks up at Finn. “You’re so … tall.” Shit. Kurt liked Finn and Finn is tall and Blaine isn’t tall and now Kurt won’t like Blaine and shit. Blaine looks down in disgust. Why can’t he be tall like Finn?
Kurt asks if he’s having fun, and Blaine lies and says he is, even though he’s not tall. But when Kurt moves over towards Blaine it gets better, and Blaine thinks maybe Kurt might not care that he’s not a giant tall brother man. So he yells, “Best party ever!” and throws his arm around Kurt.
Which turns out to be the best idea in the whole ever world because then Blaine stumbles. “Whoa, Kurt, watch out for the tripper. It’s there. Lying in wait.” He points down and looks at Kurt, wanting to make sure he understands. “To trip you,” he says as seriously as possible.
Kurt just laughs at him. Kurt has a great laugh.
Rachel shrieks that she wants to play Spin the Bottle, and Blaine thinks, “why not?” Maybe he’ll get to kiss Kurt or Finn or Kurt and see what happens. With kissing. And bottles. Only just one bottle, not more than one bottle. If there was more than one bottle, then everyone would be making out under the bottle influence. Influence of bottle kissing. Kissing bottles? No. Nobody kisses the bottles. Do the bottles feel bad? Poor bottles! Bottle is also a weird word.
Blaine is just about to reach into the center of the circle to kiss the bottle so it doesn’t feel bad, but then Rachel spins and the lonely kiss-less bottle lands on him. He has to kiss Rachel, and surprisingly it feels sort of good. Sort of really good. Kissing is fun, and Rachel’s lips are warmer and softer than the bottle probably would’ve been.
Singing is also fun, so he sings with Rachel since he kissed her. The bottle probably would’ve been out of tune.
Events after that are kind of disjointed. He remembers a few things, like Quinn yelling at Puck. And then yelling at Sam. And then yelling at Santana. Quinn is very yelly. It’s also possible that Brittany turns into a stripper, but Blaine hopes not because he doesn’t have any one-dollar bills to tuck into her underwear like they do in movies. Also, he doesn’t really care about girl strippers.
At some point Kurt has his arm around Blaine’s waist, and it feels really nice. Blaine wants to tell him, so he does. “Kurt?”
“Yeah, Blaine?” Kurt is smiling. Kurt has a beautiful smile. No, yes, hold on. Arms and waist, tell Kurt. Right.
“Your arm is smiling at my waist.” Yes. No. That doesn’t sound right. Maybe it’s right? Blaine looks at Kurt, hoping he can explain it.
“Okay, Blaine, smiling arms, got it. Right now, though, my arms need to come with me to the restroom. I’m going to be right back, okay?” Blaine nods as Kurt lowers him onto a couch. “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere, and then we’ll leave. Sound good?”
Blaine nods again. He thinks Kurt didn’t understand about the arms, but he’ll try again later. He sits back and closes his eyes, waiting for Kurt. Kurt who invited him to party to cheer him up even though Kurt doesn’t know he’s sad because he’s afraid of being a bad soulmate.
No. He doesn’t want to think about that. That makes him sad, and drinking should make him happy. So he tries to think of happy things. After a minute or a month, he feels Kurt sit next to him on the couch.
“I used to think Finn was my soulmate, but now I think it might be you.” Oh God. Did he just say that out loud? Crap. Crap crap crap crap cr-
“Sorry cupcake, but Zizes isn’t interested in being someone’s experimental model. I’ve read enough fanfic to know it doesn’t end well for the girl after the gay guy realizes he’s all about the man love. Now of course, if you want to get it on with a fabulous gay boy, I’d be more than happy to watch.”
Blaine means to lean over and whisper to Lauren, but he loses his balance and faceplants in her lap. “Kurtisfabulous,” he says into her thigh.
Lauren starts rubbing his back. It feels nice. “Oh sweetie, he is, isn’t he?” Blaine would nod, but he’s feeling kind of dizzy and is pretty sure that if he does he’ll fall off the planet. And the couch. Luckily that’s when Kurt comes back for him.
The rest of night is just a blur, and the next thing he knows he’s waking up in Kurt’s room, in Kurt’s bed, and Kurt’s dad is giving him the evil eye when Blaine leaves. He has a splitting headache, and light really hurts his eyes. He has absolutely no memory of the last half of the night, of how he got to Kurt’s house, or what happened while he was there. And Kurt is acting weird, and Mr. Hummel hates him.
Alcohol sucks.
* * * * * * * * *
By the time he gets back to Dalton, Blaine is feeling somewhat better. The coffee he drank at Kurt’s, combined with the half dozen tacos he ate from Taco Bell on the drive back, are helping him feel more normal. Well, normal-ish.
He’s just opened the door to his room when he hears hurried footsteps behind him in the hallway. He turns just in time to see Jeff, angrier than Blaine’s ever seen him, as he grabs Blaine by the collar and throws him up against the wall.
“Jeff? What the hell?”
“You asshole! You sorry fucking degenerate asshole!” Jeff roars at him, all the while pinning Blaine to the wall. “Are you deliberately trying to hurt him now? Is that your solution to all this? You can’t just be an idiot, you’ve got to be a goddamn bastard too?”
Behind Jeff, Blaine can see Wes, Nick, David, and Thad all standing there glaring at him. He looks back at Jeff. “I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about, I swear.”
Wes steps forward and places a hand on Jeff’s shoulder. “Let’s go in Blaine’s room.” Jeff doesn’t move, so Wes squeezes his shoulder. “Come on. Inside.”
Jeff waits another moment then lets go. He continues to stare daggers at Blaine as he marches into the room. Nick, David, and Thad follow him, and then Wes turns to Blaine. “Let’s go.”
“Wes, I don’t know what he’s talking about.”
“I know Blaine. That’s what’s going to make this hard to watch.”
Once everyone is inside and the door is closed, Jeff starts to advance on Blaine again. David and Thad hold him back and force him to sit down on the bed; they sit on either side of him, each keeping a hand on Jeff’s shoulder.
Nick, who has seated himself in Blaine’s desk chair, is the first to speak. “Kurt called last night to let us know you wouldn’t be returning until today. He said you were pretty drunk.”
“I wasn’t drunk,” Blaine replies. “I just had maybe a little more than I should.”
“You were drunk, Blaine. Do you remember talking to me?” Nick asks.
Blaine has absolutely no memory of talking to anyone from Dalton, including Nick. How can he have had a conversation with someone without remembering it? “Um, no. I - no.”
“You grabbed the phone from Kurt and recited, or well, slurred, the opening lines to Shakespeare’s Friends, Romans, Countrymen speech from Julius Caesar,” Nick tells him.
“Really? I guess I, well, I must’ve had more to drink than I thought.”
David clears his throat. “Why were you drinking at all? That’s unlike you, Blaine.”
“Well, maybe that’s why. People experiment in high school and in college. Why shouldn’t I?”
Nick shakes his head. “You didn’t just have ‘something to drink.’ You got trashed, and you did it at a party full of people you don’t know that well. You’ll understand if we’re concerned.”
“Well, your concern is touching, but it’s my business, Nick. And you’re not my father,” Blaine says, shooting him an annoyed glare.
“No, I’m your friend, and I’m worried because you’ve been acting completely unlike yourself for close to two weeks now. Then you top it all off by going to a party and drinking until you can’t even walk, much less remember anything.”
Blaine rolls his eyes because really? This isn’t what he needs right now. “It was fine. I’m fine. Thanks so much for checking up on me,” he says sarcastically, “and God knows I’m thrilled to be getting another lecture, but leave it alone.”
“Sure,” Jeff says, and Blaine has never heard Jeff so condescending or nasty. “You’re doing just great. Obviously. You won’t talk to anyone, including your best friends, you go out drinking - I’m assuming to forget all the crap you don’t want to deal with, and isn’t that a healthy way to handle things - and then you spend half the night making out with a girl in front of Kurt and following her around the party like a lost little fucking puppy dog.”
“I wasn’t making out with Rachel!” Blaine exclaims, throwing his hands up. “It was a game, and I didn’t follow her around like a puppy dog.”
Jeff narrows his eyes. “How would you know? You can’t even remember the damn party.”
“You know what? So what if I did? If I’m in the two percent, if Finn is still my soulmate, then maybe liking girls will increase my chances to find a romantic partner. I could decide to be bisexual, who the hell knows?”
“Blaine, stop it,” David says. “You don’t ‘decide to be bisexual’ to increase your chances in finding a partner. And you’re not this person. You’re hurting, and you’re terrified, and we want to help you. We can’t do that, though, if you’re going to lash out and purposefully try to hurt yourself and the people around you. You don’t even believe half of what you’re saying, do you?”
“You are coming dangerously close to -”
Jeff cuts him off. “No, you are coming dangerously close to screwing up with Kurt, and I’m not going to watch you do this to him. You can’t just shove your head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening or that your actions don’t have consequences, Blaine.”
That’s it. He’s not going to let Jeff of all people lecture him on actions and consequences. “Maybe I could handle it better if I didn’t have friends who lie to me and pretend they know what’s best for me and watch as I make plans for my life that they know don’t matter,” he yells.
Jeff jumps up, pointing at Blaine, and neither David nor Thad do anything to stop him. “Don’t stand there and fucking blame this on us, Blaine. It’s not our fault you had your head so far up your ass that you couldn’t see what was right in front of you.”
“Okay, that’s enough,” Thad interjects.
Blaine clinches his fists at his sides and takes a step toward Jeff, his voice even louder when he responds. “You guys sat around and waited for months while I agonized over who my soulmate is, while I worked on accepting a platonic soulmate, while I came to terms with the way my life was going to be!”
Nick stands up and walks over to put himself between Blaine and Jeff, but Blaine ignores him and continues shouting. “And then, in one quick road trip, you not only tell me that I could be wrong, that all of it was for nothing, but that you sat by and watched me go through all of it - the pain and the heartache and the - God, I don’t even know. You let it happen!”
“If we’d come to you before,” Nick says quietly, “before Wes called up experts to find out why you and Finn have no connection, or before we knew Kurt had been at the Lima Bean, or before we were certain he had the same type of clothes that your soulmate was wearing that day, what kind of friends would that make us? Giving you false hope like that? If we’d told you before we were more certain, and we’d been wrong, would you have thanked us then? How far behind would you have been with your progress in accepting Finn?”
David stands up next to Jeff. “You were so determined, after a point, to make it work. We were afraid that we’d be wrong and undo everything you’d worked toward.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you lied to me.”
“Maybe not,” Jeff answers. “And maybe we should’ve told you sooner. So fine, be angry with us, but don’t take it out on yourself, and please, God, don’t take it out on Kurt.”
Blaine shakes his head, but he stops yelling. “I’m not. I’m not taking anything out on Kurt.”
“We weren’t the only ones you were pushing away for a week and a half, Blaine,” Thad replies.
Jeff glares again. “And we weren’t the reason he called me this morning, in tears, after you left his house.”
That’s enough to shock Blaine out of any anger or resentment he’s feeling. “What? Why? Because I was drunk? Because of Rachel? None of that meant anything, I swear.”
“No, idiot,” Jeff says. “Kurt’s stronger than that.”
“Then I don’t understand.”
Jeff sighs and throws his arms in the air. “You told him about Finn last night while you were drunk. You told him you think Finn is your soulmate.”
Blaine feels his legs go out from underneath him, and he hits the floor hard. “I told him?” Jeff nods. “I wasn’t, I mean - I would never have -” He leans over and buries his face in his hands. “No, I didn’t mean to, I swear.” His eyes begin welling with tears, and Blaine knows he’s only a few seconds away from really losing it completely. “I mess up everything, don’t I? I can’t do this. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe it’s better if Kurt thinks that.”
No one says a word for several seconds. And then, “Bullshit.”
Blaine is jolted out of his thoughts because the person who spoke was Wes. Wes, who never, ever uses any kind of profanity because it’s ungentlemanly. Blaine looks up and sees that everyone else is staring at Wes as well.
“Guys,” Jeff whispers, “I think Blaine broke Wes.”
“Everyone except Blaine out, please,” Wes answers calmly.
“No!” Jeff cries.
Wes just shakes his head slightly and goes over to open the door. “Everyone. Now.” Slowly David, Thad, Nick, and last of all Jeff, file out of the room.
He closes the door before turning around and walking over to sit on the bed, motioning for Blaine to join him. After a few moments of struggling to stand (because his legs don’t seem to want to work), Blaine does.
He sighs and looks over at Wes. “I don’t want to hear it, okay? I really don’t need to rehash everything from the conversation we had after the Valentine’s dinner.”
“That isn’t what I want to say.”
“No?”
“No. Blaine, I want to apologize.”
Apologize? “For what?”
“For springing something huge on you in a situation where you couldn’t get away or have time to yourself to think over the matter.” Wes looks at Blaine regretfully. “I still agree with Jeff that the timing may have been right, after the way you and Kurt were looking at each other that night. The circumstances under which we broke the news, though, should have been better. I’m really sorry, Blaine.
“We also probably should have told you sooner,” Wes continues. “You’re right. We were so worried about what this would do to you if it turned out that we were wrong, that we lost sight of what would happen if we were right. And it was unrealistic of us to expect that you’d just jump in and be thrilled by the possibilities after you’d spent so much time and energy dealing with the opposite.”
Blaine nods and feels lighter than he has in several days. That’s all he needs in order to let go of any residual anger. This isn’t like the times he told himself to get over it or tried to convince himself that he shouldn’t be upset. He just needed confirmation that all of it wasn’t his fault.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
“What are you thinking?” Wes asks.
“I’m thinking my head really, really hurts now.”
Wes starts to gently rub his back and says, “Okay, we can get Tylenol for that. What else?”
“I’m thinking that I owe you guys an apology, too. I know you just wanted to do what you thought was best, and Jeff’s right - I could’ve been more … I don’t know, perceptive, maybe?” He sniffs. “I definitely shouldn’t have taken all my frustration and anger out on you guys or ignored you all for the last week and a half. I’m sorry, Wes.”
“I know. No permanent damage done.”
Blaine nods, grateful. “I’m also thinking I’m still not sure how to handle this situation. I feel so completely, utterly out of my depth. Kurt is my best friend, and I…” he falters. “I do care about him, so much. If he is my soulmate, and this goes badly, I swear I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“Nothing says things will go badly, though.”
“Wes, you haven’t read the stuff I did. When I was on those 2% and Dissenter websites? Oh my God, you wouldn’t believe the things that people do and say or how much they can hurt each other.”
Wes continues rubbing Blaine’s back. It’s soothing. “Of course people get hurt. We’re fallible, we make mistakes, and not even being soulmates stops us from being able to knowingly or unknowingly cause each other pain.”
“But what if I can’t be what he needs?” Blaine pauses because he’s never said the next part out loud. Thought it, yes. But never actually said the words. “What if I can’t be what Kurt deserves? He deserves everything, Wes. He’s been through so much, and he’s, God, he’s brave and strong and the best person I know. He’s amazing. What if Kurt needs more than I can give him?”
“Not to be mean about it, but you’ve already hurt him.” Blaine groans, and the guilt is almost suffocating. “You didn’t mean to, it was inadvertent, but you did all the same. And whether you’re soulmates or not, if you stay in each other’s lives, you’ll do it again. He’ll hurt you, too. No way around that.” He smiles at Blaine. “Do you remember what you were hoping for before your Finder appointment? When Nick and the rest of the guys and I were trying to temper your expectations?”
Blaine shrugs, not sure where Wes is headed with this. “I wanted to find my soulmate.”
“No, you wanted to run away with John Barrowman and the cast of Inception.” Blaine gives a watery laugh. “You were, forgive me, but you were naïve. Really, really, incredibly naïve. If there’s one thing this experience has shown you, though, it’s that not everything is a fairy tale. Not everything is a big romantic ballad.”
“Starting to feel worse over here.”
Wes grins. “So use what you’ve discovered. You said in the car when we were coming back from Lima that you’ve realized your happiness shouldn’t revolve around one person or one relationship. Excellent. Apply that to whatever you have with Kurt. Or Finn. Or anyone, for that matter. Allow yourself to be flawed. Allow them the same.
“You said you’ve read horror stories and things on the internet that scare you. If you’re really that worried, think of what you read as a cautionary tale. Don’t take anything for granted. And keep in mind that if things do fall apart, it isn’t the end of the world.”
Blaine lowers his head. “I know,” he says. “I can, I think I can do that. Maybe. Eventually. But I don’t know if I’m ready, and Kurt’s appointment is in a little over two weeks now, and…”
Wes thinks for a moment. “Blaine. If you want to close your eyes when Kurt goes into his appointment because you’re honestly a Dissenter now, I respect that decision. It wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility for you to have changed your mind, especially given what you’ve gone through in the last few months. People change, and thank God we do. If this is what you honestly believe now, then I think that’s fine. It’s your choice.
“However, if you want to close your eyes because you’re scared of what it means for you or for your relationship with Kurt? If you keep this from Kurt or Finn because you can’t handle the result? If you think this is easier than facing whatever the consequences or ramifications are - good or bad? Then that’s different.
“You aren’t a coward, Blaine, and despite what you sometimes think about yourself, no one who matters thinks of you as a coward either. But to keep your eyes closed during Kurt’s procedure because you’re scared, that is a cowardly act.”
Blaine nods his head slightly but can’t meet Wes’ eyes. He stares at his hands in his lap.
“One more thing, and I’m going to need you to look at me when I say this.” Blaine takes a deep breath, in and out, and reluctantly raises his head. “Whatever you decide, whatever you choose, I will be here for you, and so will the other four idiots on the other side of that door.” He raises his voice and calls out, “Right Jeff?”
Jeff yells, “I will follow you into battle, sir!”
Blaine lets out a hiccuping sort of laughing sob and can’t get his arms around Wes to hug him fast enough. “It’s okay,” Wes whispers.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know. I’m sorry, too.”
Blaine nods and hugs a little tighter, holding on for a couple of minutes, trying to calm down. “Wes?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t think I was ever really going to keep my eyes closed. I just needed to not think about what happens after his appointment.”
Wes pats him twice on the back then lets him go. “I know.”
Blaine sits back and looks Wes in the eye. “I’m going to need a plan.”
The door bursts open, and Jeff comes running into the room. He throws his arms around Blaine and Wes. “I’m so happy for us!” he bawls.
“How did you get in here? I thought I locked the door,” Wes says, smiling at Jeff.
“Please,” Jeff sniffs. “I’ve been picking locks since I was seven.”
_________________________________
Ending A/N: The following includes some opinions and observations. I don’t treat them as fact. I fully expect some disagreement and in no way wish to belittle or anger those who might differ in their opinion. I welcome anyone who would like to discuss this further, either in private or in a public comment.
So.
I know there were a few who were bothered by Blaine’s initial decision to close his eyes and potentially keep Kurt from seeing through him (if that’s what happens). I received comments about how selfish and terrible it was, and I don’t disagree with that. The key for me, though, is his motivation. There’s no malice, no attempt to control Kurt. Blaine is a teenage boy with a proven record of sometimes acting without thinking. It’s a blind panicking, knee-jerk reaction to news that has completely upended his view of himself, of those around him, and of his future.
I think it would be disingenuous for Blaine to immediately embrace the possibility of Kurt as his soulmate, especially in light of what he’s had to grow through thus far in the story. In SLS, when Kurt sort of reveals his feelings to Blaine in the Lima Bean, Blaine explicitly states that while Kurt means a lot to him, he’s scared of screwing up. He chooses fear over his feelings. I made that bigger here, more dramatic, but then the stakes are a bit bigger here, too.
Some of my inspiration for the conversation with Wes in this chapter comes from The West Wing. At the end of season 2, President Bartlet has taken a figurative beating and decided, purely as a reaction, not to run for a second term. He has a conversation with his secretary, Mrs. Landingham, where she says, “You know, if you don't want to run again, I respect that. But if you don't run ‘cause you think it will be too hard or you think you're going to lose, well, God, Jed, I don't even want to know you.”
I tried to apply the same basic idea here to Blaine. If he honestly believed that Finders and Soulmates made things too complicated and opted to be a Dissenter, that would be fine. He made the decision out of fear, though, which is what Wes says.
One last thing. some people reacted strongly to the idea of Blaine keeping his identity a secret from Kurt and closing his eyes during Kurt’s procedure. And because he was doing it for the wrong reasons, namely fear and uncertainty, I agree with that. But it’s important to remember that in this au, finding one’s soulmate is not a guarantee, nor is it a right. The person doing the “finding” should have every opportunity to look for his or her soulmate, just as the one being “found” has every right to not want to be found.
So there’s that. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.
Part 13A
Spoilers: Through Season 2
Word Count: ~5200 (this part)
Disclaimer: I asked for the rights to Glee for Christmas, but that didn't pan out.
Summary: SoulmateAU. Story begins just prior to NBK. Blaine goes through a procedure to find his soulmate. The results aren't quite what he was expecting.
Prologue * Part 1 * Part 2 * Part 3 * Part 4 * Part 5 * Part 6 * Part 7 * Part 8 * Part 9 * Part 10 * Part 11
A/N: Hey everyone! So while the comments for the last chapter were almost all positive, I did receive some less than enthusiastic or friendly feedback as well, which (believe it or not) I understand and appreciate. I hope this chapter helps to put the last one in better perspective.
There’s a - we’ll call it an author’s commentary - at the end of this chapter for those who had concerns about Blaine and/or his behavior (or for anyone who’d like to know more about how and why I planned the events in Chapters 11 & 12 this way).
I’m unbelievably grateful to anyone reading, commenting, liking, reviewing, and/or recommending this fic. Even the negative stuff, because it means you’re interested in and possibly even invested in what happens in this little story I’m telling. My sincerest thanks.
Now on with the show.
Blaine guesses he’s about three days away from an intervention. He knows Wes and David and the other guys don’t think he sees the looks they give each other. He knows, too, that those looks are about him.
He wishes he knew how to snap out of this - whatever mood this is. Ever since the car ride with his friends after the performance at Breadstix, Blaine hasn’t wanted to be around anyone. He prefers to keep to himself, trying not to think about the possibilities, the what-ifs. Desperate to know if Kurt is really his soulmate but at the same time scared to learn for certain because there’s so much that could go wrong.
If he wanted to talk about it, with Wes or Nick or any of his friends, Blaine is certain they’d listen. That’s the kind of guys they are, and God - Blaine knows how lucky he is. It’s hard to ask for help, for an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, though, when he doesn’t know … anything. How he feels, what he wants, or just how many ways he’s scared.
And if he’s honest with himself, he’s still angry. He doesn’t want to be because he knows his friends only have his best interests at heart, but Blaine is having a hard time letting go of the fact that they knew something might not be right with his soulmate and let him continue focusing on the 2%. Every time he convinces himself that he’s not angry anymore, a fleeting thought crosses his mind. Why didn’t they tell me?
So instead of hanging out after Warblers’ practice or lying around David’s room watching movies and throwing Hershey’s kisses at Jeff’s head, he sits alone in the library. Or his room. Or the dining hall. The solitude is simultaneously a relief and a burden.
* * * * * * * * *
To his surprise, it’s Kurt who says something first.
“Hey, mind if I sit here?”
Blaine looks up from his spot on the couch in one of Dalton’s study rooms. He nods at Kurt. “Sure.”
“Good. Thanks. I wanted to, um,” Kurt bites his lip. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay. You’ve been really quiet and kind of keeping to yourself for the last several days, close to two weeks, actually, and I’m starting to get worried.” Blaine looks down and doesn’t say anything, and after a few moments of silence Kurt continues. “I know you’re probably still upset because that guy, whoever he is, turned you down -”
“What?” Blaine snaps his eyes back up to Kurt.
“The guy? You said right before Valentine’s Day that there was someone you, uh, liked, and I know that can be difficult, but Blaine, if he doesn’t see how amazing you are, then he doesn’t deserve you.” Kurt rolls his eyes. “Sorry. If you want to talk about it I promise not to rely on trite clichés for advice.” He smiles, and Blaine feels his shoulders loosen a fraction.
He shakes his head. “Kurt, I’m not upset about Jeremiah. Honestly, I haven’t thought about him since.”
“Oh.” Kurt tilts his head in confusion. “I just assumed that’s why you’ve been… Oh. Is there something else you want to talk about? You know I’m here if you want to talk. Unless…” Kurt eyes grow wide. “You’re not - are you mad at me?”
“What?” Blaine reaches out and puts a hand on Kurt’s arm. “I’m not mad at you Kurt, I swear. I, well, I…” How can he explain this without explaining it? “I found out about … something … that surprised me. I think surprised me. Maybe. Maybe not? I don’t really, uh, know.” He realizes he’s rambling and takes a deep breath.
“I don’t want to get into it, not because I don’t trust you,” he says when he sees Kurt’s face fall slightly, “but because I don’t know what I’m feeling. It’s one of those things where, like, you think you know you’re standing right-side-up, but then suddenly, without warning, someone tells you you’re upside-down. And then you realize that this whole time, not only have you not been right-side-up,” Blaine pauses and exhales slowly. “You’ve been falling down a rabbit hole.”
Kurt nods, looking over at him with a slight smile. “Does that make you Alice?”
Blaine looks back at Kurt. “Honestly, I’m starting to think it might make me Prince Charming in the wrong fairy tale.”
* * * * * * * * *
The next day Kurt finds Blaine again, this time in the library. “Hey,” he whispers as he pulls up a chair to the table where Blaine is studying, “I know I said I wouldn’t bother you about whatever you’re going through anymore, and I’m not, but I think I might know how to get your mind off things.”
“Really? How?” Blaine whispers back.
“I just found out that Rachel’s having a party tomorrow night. Puck and Santana have talked her into it, complete with alcohol and heaven only knows what else, so it’s going to be a catastrophe. I mean, a catastrophe. So obviously it’s a must-attend event, if only for the whole schadenfraude of it all.” He grins at Blaine. “Care to join me?”
“Will it be a problem? Fraternizing with the enemy?”
Kurt scoffs, waving his hand in the air. “It’ll be fine. Finn owes me, so I’ll make him take us.”
“He owes you?”
“Well,” Kurt smirks, “owes me, wants to keep me from telling our parents what’s in his internet browser history, same difference. I swear, if he ever figures out how to delete that, I’m going to have far less power in our brotherly relationship.”
Blaine grins and says, “Okay then, I’m in. Sounds just horrible enough to be a distraction.”
“What’s a distraction?” Jeff asks as he drops ungracefully into a chair on the other side of Kurt. “Are we planning another movie night? Or better yet, a heist? Espionage?”
“How do you get from movie night to heist?” Kurt laughs.
“Talent and the right equipment.” He waggles his eyebrows. “So what’s the distraction? I need to know what to wear and how solid my alibi needs to be.”
Kurt hits Jeff lightly on the shoulder, still laughing. “Nothing that requires anything of the sort. Blaine and I are going to a party tomorrow.”
“PARTY!” Jeff shouts.
“Shhh! We’re in the library, Jeff, for God’s sake.” Blaine cautions. He looks around and sees everyone staring at them.
Jeff pays absolutely no attention and instead starts doing body rolls in his chair. “Where? When? Do they need a DJ? I know this guy, he seems a little strange because of his John Tyler tattoo and his crazy girlfriend who thinks she’s Jamie Lee Curtis and the woodpecker that lives in his hair, but he’s really good.”
Blaine shakes his head to, well, all of it, but Kurt asks, “John Tyler?”
“Tenth President of the United States.”
“Ah, yes, of course.” Kurt answers. “I don’t think we need a DJ, but thanks. It’s just a New Directions party over at Rachel’s. We’ll probably leave here right after class so we can get ready and pick up Finn. Meet at my car?”
“Oh.” Jeff looks back and forth between the other two. “Just New Directions and you guys?” Kurt nods. “Oh, hmm, I don’t think,” he coughs, sudden and loudly and completely fake, “I can make it.” Another cough. “I think,” he pauses to cough again, “I may have broken my ankle.” He jumps up and grabs his bag. “Gotta go! Have fun!”
Kurt laughs again, though he looks puzzled. “What was that?”
“It’s Jeff. Who knows?” Blaine says, but he’s trying not to cringe. Jeff really isn’t subtle.
* * * * * * * * *
The party is every bit the catastrophe Kurt promised, but Blaine doesn’t care. He’s surrounded by people who don’t really know him, and right now that’s a great thing. There’s no one side-eyeing him. No one watching for his reaction to something someone says about soulmates. No one watching him period. It’s freeing.
Blaine isn’t a drinker; he’s only had alcohol once or twice before, and even then it was just a few sips. Drinking too much can lead to being out of control, and if there’s one thing Blaine hates it’s being out of control of a situation.
Tonight, though, he welcomes the chance to indulge and quickly downs three glasses of whatever Puck hands him. All Blaine’s been doing for the last several days - hell, the last several months - is think. And think. And think and think and think and think and think.
Think is a weird word if you think about it. Think about think. Someone is laughing because Blaine is funny about thinking. No, wait. Blaine is the one laughing out loud. Doesn’t matter. Still funny.
Maybe the fourth cup wasn’t a good idea.
Blaine is dancing, not caring what he looks like or who’s watching, and it feels fucking fantastic. Well, until he notices Kurt dancing. Kurt looks so awesome dancing with his hands and his face and wiggling his ass, and Blaine thinks maybe Kurt’s ass has gay superpowers that hold him in thrall and won’t let him look away. No, that’s stupid. It’s not just gay superpowers. No one, gay or straight, would be able to look away.
Then Kurt starts dancing next to Finn. And they’re talking and dancing and Blaine remembers that Kurt used to have a crush on Finn. Oh God, what if he still does, or what if the alcohol makes him forget that he doesn’t like Finn anymore? And what if Kurt’s superpower ass makes Finn forget that he’s straight and related to Kurt now? Shit. Blaine needs to save them.
He stumbles over to the other side of Finn and puts his arm around his shoulders. Big tall shoulders. “Hey! It is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers! Right? Like, brothers.” Blaine has to remind them that they’re related or Finn won’t be able to withstand Kurt’s superpower ass. Is it working? He hopes it’s working. “Wow.” He looks up at Finn. “You’re so … tall.” Shit. Kurt liked Finn and Finn is tall and Blaine isn’t tall and now Kurt won’t like Blaine and shit. Blaine looks down in disgust. Why can’t he be tall like Finn?
Kurt asks if he’s having fun, and Blaine lies and says he is, even though he’s not tall. But when Kurt moves over towards Blaine it gets better, and Blaine thinks maybe Kurt might not care that he’s not a giant tall brother man. So he yells, “Best party ever!” and throws his arm around Kurt.
Which turns out to be the best idea in the whole ever world because then Blaine stumbles. “Whoa, Kurt, watch out for the tripper. It’s there. Lying in wait.” He points down and looks at Kurt, wanting to make sure he understands. “To trip you,” he says as seriously as possible.
Kurt just laughs at him. Kurt has a great laugh.
Rachel shrieks that she wants to play Spin the Bottle, and Blaine thinks, “why not?” Maybe he’ll get to kiss Kurt or Finn or Kurt and see what happens. With kissing. And bottles. Only just one bottle, not more than one bottle. If there was more than one bottle, then everyone would be making out under the bottle influence. Influence of bottle kissing. Kissing bottles? No. Nobody kisses the bottles. Do the bottles feel bad? Poor bottles! Bottle is also a weird word.
Blaine is just about to reach into the center of the circle to kiss the bottle so it doesn’t feel bad, but then Rachel spins and the lonely kiss-less bottle lands on him. He has to kiss Rachel, and surprisingly it feels sort of good. Sort of really good. Kissing is fun, and Rachel’s lips are warmer and softer than the bottle probably would’ve been.
Singing is also fun, so he sings with Rachel since he kissed her. The bottle probably would’ve been out of tune.
Events after that are kind of disjointed. He remembers a few things, like Quinn yelling at Puck. And then yelling at Sam. And then yelling at Santana. Quinn is very yelly. It’s also possible that Brittany turns into a stripper, but Blaine hopes not because he doesn’t have any one-dollar bills to tuck into her underwear like they do in movies. Also, he doesn’t really care about girl strippers.
At some point Kurt has his arm around Blaine’s waist, and it feels really nice. Blaine wants to tell him, so he does. “Kurt?”
“Yeah, Blaine?” Kurt is smiling. Kurt has a beautiful smile. No, yes, hold on. Arms and waist, tell Kurt. Right.
“Your arm is smiling at my waist.” Yes. No. That doesn’t sound right. Maybe it’s right? Blaine looks at Kurt, hoping he can explain it.
“Okay, Blaine, smiling arms, got it. Right now, though, my arms need to come with me to the restroom. I’m going to be right back, okay?” Blaine nods as Kurt lowers him onto a couch. “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere, and then we’ll leave. Sound good?”
Blaine nods again. He thinks Kurt didn’t understand about the arms, but he’ll try again later. He sits back and closes his eyes, waiting for Kurt. Kurt who invited him to party to cheer him up even though Kurt doesn’t know he’s sad because he’s afraid of being a bad soulmate.
No. He doesn’t want to think about that. That makes him sad, and drinking should make him happy. So he tries to think of happy things. After a minute or a month, he feels Kurt sit next to him on the couch.
“I used to think Finn was my soulmate, but now I think it might be you.” Oh God. Did he just say that out loud? Crap. Crap crap crap crap cr-
“Sorry cupcake, but Zizes isn’t interested in being someone’s experimental model. I’ve read enough fanfic to know it doesn’t end well for the girl after the gay guy realizes he’s all about the man love. Now of course, if you want to get it on with a fabulous gay boy, I’d be more than happy to watch.”
Blaine means to lean over and whisper to Lauren, but he loses his balance and faceplants in her lap. “Kurtisfabulous,” he says into her thigh.
Lauren starts rubbing his back. It feels nice. “Oh sweetie, he is, isn’t he?” Blaine would nod, but he’s feeling kind of dizzy and is pretty sure that if he does he’ll fall off the planet. And the couch. Luckily that’s when Kurt comes back for him.
The rest of night is just a blur, and the next thing he knows he’s waking up in Kurt’s room, in Kurt’s bed, and Kurt’s dad is giving him the evil eye when Blaine leaves. He has a splitting headache, and light really hurts his eyes. He has absolutely no memory of the last half of the night, of how he got to Kurt’s house, or what happened while he was there. And Kurt is acting weird, and Mr. Hummel hates him.
Alcohol sucks.
* * * * * * * * *
By the time he gets back to Dalton, Blaine is feeling somewhat better. The coffee he drank at Kurt’s, combined with the half dozen tacos he ate from Taco Bell on the drive back, are helping him feel more normal. Well, normal-ish.
He’s just opened the door to his room when he hears hurried footsteps behind him in the hallway. He turns just in time to see Jeff, angrier than Blaine’s ever seen him, as he grabs Blaine by the collar and throws him up against the wall.
“Jeff? What the hell?”
“You asshole! You sorry fucking degenerate asshole!” Jeff roars at him, all the while pinning Blaine to the wall. “Are you deliberately trying to hurt him now? Is that your solution to all this? You can’t just be an idiot, you’ve got to be a goddamn bastard too?”
Behind Jeff, Blaine can see Wes, Nick, David, and Thad all standing there glaring at him. He looks back at Jeff. “I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about, I swear.”
Wes steps forward and places a hand on Jeff’s shoulder. “Let’s go in Blaine’s room.” Jeff doesn’t move, so Wes squeezes his shoulder. “Come on. Inside.”
Jeff waits another moment then lets go. He continues to stare daggers at Blaine as he marches into the room. Nick, David, and Thad follow him, and then Wes turns to Blaine. “Let’s go.”
“Wes, I don’t know what he’s talking about.”
“I know Blaine. That’s what’s going to make this hard to watch.”
Once everyone is inside and the door is closed, Jeff starts to advance on Blaine again. David and Thad hold him back and force him to sit down on the bed; they sit on either side of him, each keeping a hand on Jeff’s shoulder.
Nick, who has seated himself in Blaine’s desk chair, is the first to speak. “Kurt called last night to let us know you wouldn’t be returning until today. He said you were pretty drunk.”
“I wasn’t drunk,” Blaine replies. “I just had maybe a little more than I should.”
“You were drunk, Blaine. Do you remember talking to me?” Nick asks.
Blaine has absolutely no memory of talking to anyone from Dalton, including Nick. How can he have had a conversation with someone without remembering it? “Um, no. I - no.”
“You grabbed the phone from Kurt and recited, or well, slurred, the opening lines to Shakespeare’s Friends, Romans, Countrymen speech from Julius Caesar,” Nick tells him.
“Really? I guess I, well, I must’ve had more to drink than I thought.”
David clears his throat. “Why were you drinking at all? That’s unlike you, Blaine.”
“Well, maybe that’s why. People experiment in high school and in college. Why shouldn’t I?”
Nick shakes his head. “You didn’t just have ‘something to drink.’ You got trashed, and you did it at a party full of people you don’t know that well. You’ll understand if we’re concerned.”
“Well, your concern is touching, but it’s my business, Nick. And you’re not my father,” Blaine says, shooting him an annoyed glare.
“No, I’m your friend, and I’m worried because you’ve been acting completely unlike yourself for close to two weeks now. Then you top it all off by going to a party and drinking until you can’t even walk, much less remember anything.”
Blaine rolls his eyes because really? This isn’t what he needs right now. “It was fine. I’m fine. Thanks so much for checking up on me,” he says sarcastically, “and God knows I’m thrilled to be getting another lecture, but leave it alone.”
“Sure,” Jeff says, and Blaine has never heard Jeff so condescending or nasty. “You’re doing just great. Obviously. You won’t talk to anyone, including your best friends, you go out drinking - I’m assuming to forget all the crap you don’t want to deal with, and isn’t that a healthy way to handle things - and then you spend half the night making out with a girl in front of Kurt and following her around the party like a lost little fucking puppy dog.”
“I wasn’t making out with Rachel!” Blaine exclaims, throwing his hands up. “It was a game, and I didn’t follow her around like a puppy dog.”
Jeff narrows his eyes. “How would you know? You can’t even remember the damn party.”
“You know what? So what if I did? If I’m in the two percent, if Finn is still my soulmate, then maybe liking girls will increase my chances to find a romantic partner. I could decide to be bisexual, who the hell knows?”
“Blaine, stop it,” David says. “You don’t ‘decide to be bisexual’ to increase your chances in finding a partner. And you’re not this person. You’re hurting, and you’re terrified, and we want to help you. We can’t do that, though, if you’re going to lash out and purposefully try to hurt yourself and the people around you. You don’t even believe half of what you’re saying, do you?”
“You are coming dangerously close to -”
Jeff cuts him off. “No, you are coming dangerously close to screwing up with Kurt, and I’m not going to watch you do this to him. You can’t just shove your head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening or that your actions don’t have consequences, Blaine.”
That’s it. He’s not going to let Jeff of all people lecture him on actions and consequences. “Maybe I could handle it better if I didn’t have friends who lie to me and pretend they know what’s best for me and watch as I make plans for my life that they know don’t matter,” he yells.
Jeff jumps up, pointing at Blaine, and neither David nor Thad do anything to stop him. “Don’t stand there and fucking blame this on us, Blaine. It’s not our fault you had your head so far up your ass that you couldn’t see what was right in front of you.”
“Okay, that’s enough,” Thad interjects.
Blaine clinches his fists at his sides and takes a step toward Jeff, his voice even louder when he responds. “You guys sat around and waited for months while I agonized over who my soulmate is, while I worked on accepting a platonic soulmate, while I came to terms with the way my life was going to be!”
Nick stands up and walks over to put himself between Blaine and Jeff, but Blaine ignores him and continues shouting. “And then, in one quick road trip, you not only tell me that I could be wrong, that all of it was for nothing, but that you sat by and watched me go through all of it - the pain and the heartache and the - God, I don’t even know. You let it happen!”
“If we’d come to you before,” Nick says quietly, “before Wes called up experts to find out why you and Finn have no connection, or before we knew Kurt had been at the Lima Bean, or before we were certain he had the same type of clothes that your soulmate was wearing that day, what kind of friends would that make us? Giving you false hope like that? If we’d told you before we were more certain, and we’d been wrong, would you have thanked us then? How far behind would you have been with your progress in accepting Finn?”
David stands up next to Jeff. “You were so determined, after a point, to make it work. We were afraid that we’d be wrong and undo everything you’d worked toward.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you lied to me.”
“Maybe not,” Jeff answers. “And maybe we should’ve told you sooner. So fine, be angry with us, but don’t take it out on yourself, and please, God, don’t take it out on Kurt.”
Blaine shakes his head, but he stops yelling. “I’m not. I’m not taking anything out on Kurt.”
“We weren’t the only ones you were pushing away for a week and a half, Blaine,” Thad replies.
Jeff glares again. “And we weren’t the reason he called me this morning, in tears, after you left his house.”
That’s enough to shock Blaine out of any anger or resentment he’s feeling. “What? Why? Because I was drunk? Because of Rachel? None of that meant anything, I swear.”
“No, idiot,” Jeff says. “Kurt’s stronger than that.”
“Then I don’t understand.”
Jeff sighs and throws his arms in the air. “You told him about Finn last night while you were drunk. You told him you think Finn is your soulmate.”
Blaine feels his legs go out from underneath him, and he hits the floor hard. “I told him?” Jeff nods. “I wasn’t, I mean - I would never have -” He leans over and buries his face in his hands. “No, I didn’t mean to, I swear.” His eyes begin welling with tears, and Blaine knows he’s only a few seconds away from really losing it completely. “I mess up everything, don’t I? I can’t do this. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe it’s better if Kurt thinks that.”
No one says a word for several seconds. And then, “Bullshit.”
Blaine is jolted out of his thoughts because the person who spoke was Wes. Wes, who never, ever uses any kind of profanity because it’s ungentlemanly. Blaine looks up and sees that everyone else is staring at Wes as well.
“Guys,” Jeff whispers, “I think Blaine broke Wes.”
“Everyone except Blaine out, please,” Wes answers calmly.
“No!” Jeff cries.
Wes just shakes his head slightly and goes over to open the door. “Everyone. Now.” Slowly David, Thad, Nick, and last of all Jeff, file out of the room.
He closes the door before turning around and walking over to sit on the bed, motioning for Blaine to join him. After a few moments of struggling to stand (because his legs don’t seem to want to work), Blaine does.
He sighs and looks over at Wes. “I don’t want to hear it, okay? I really don’t need to rehash everything from the conversation we had after the Valentine’s dinner.”
“That isn’t what I want to say.”
“No?”
“No. Blaine, I want to apologize.”
Apologize? “For what?”
“For springing something huge on you in a situation where you couldn’t get away or have time to yourself to think over the matter.” Wes looks at Blaine regretfully. “I still agree with Jeff that the timing may have been right, after the way you and Kurt were looking at each other that night. The circumstances under which we broke the news, though, should have been better. I’m really sorry, Blaine.
“We also probably should have told you sooner,” Wes continues. “You’re right. We were so worried about what this would do to you if it turned out that we were wrong, that we lost sight of what would happen if we were right. And it was unrealistic of us to expect that you’d just jump in and be thrilled by the possibilities after you’d spent so much time and energy dealing with the opposite.”
Blaine nods and feels lighter than he has in several days. That’s all he needs in order to let go of any residual anger. This isn’t like the times he told himself to get over it or tried to convince himself that he shouldn’t be upset. He just needed confirmation that all of it wasn’t his fault.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
“What are you thinking?” Wes asks.
“I’m thinking my head really, really hurts now.”
Wes starts to gently rub his back and says, “Okay, we can get Tylenol for that. What else?”
“I’m thinking that I owe you guys an apology, too. I know you just wanted to do what you thought was best, and Jeff’s right - I could’ve been more … I don’t know, perceptive, maybe?” He sniffs. “I definitely shouldn’t have taken all my frustration and anger out on you guys or ignored you all for the last week and a half. I’m sorry, Wes.”
“I know. No permanent damage done.”
Blaine nods, grateful. “I’m also thinking I’m still not sure how to handle this situation. I feel so completely, utterly out of my depth. Kurt is my best friend, and I…” he falters. “I do care about him, so much. If he is my soulmate, and this goes badly, I swear I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“Nothing says things will go badly, though.”
“Wes, you haven’t read the stuff I did. When I was on those 2% and Dissenter websites? Oh my God, you wouldn’t believe the things that people do and say or how much they can hurt each other.”
Wes continues rubbing Blaine’s back. It’s soothing. “Of course people get hurt. We’re fallible, we make mistakes, and not even being soulmates stops us from being able to knowingly or unknowingly cause each other pain.”
“But what if I can’t be what he needs?” Blaine pauses because he’s never said the next part out loud. Thought it, yes. But never actually said the words. “What if I can’t be what Kurt deserves? He deserves everything, Wes. He’s been through so much, and he’s, God, he’s brave and strong and the best person I know. He’s amazing. What if Kurt needs more than I can give him?”
“Not to be mean about it, but you’ve already hurt him.” Blaine groans, and the guilt is almost suffocating. “You didn’t mean to, it was inadvertent, but you did all the same. And whether you’re soulmates or not, if you stay in each other’s lives, you’ll do it again. He’ll hurt you, too. No way around that.” He smiles at Blaine. “Do you remember what you were hoping for before your Finder appointment? When Nick and the rest of the guys and I were trying to temper your expectations?”
Blaine shrugs, not sure where Wes is headed with this. “I wanted to find my soulmate.”
“No, you wanted to run away with John Barrowman and the cast of Inception.” Blaine gives a watery laugh. “You were, forgive me, but you were naïve. Really, really, incredibly naïve. If there’s one thing this experience has shown you, though, it’s that not everything is a fairy tale. Not everything is a big romantic ballad.”
“Starting to feel worse over here.”
Wes grins. “So use what you’ve discovered. You said in the car when we were coming back from Lima that you’ve realized your happiness shouldn’t revolve around one person or one relationship. Excellent. Apply that to whatever you have with Kurt. Or Finn. Or anyone, for that matter. Allow yourself to be flawed. Allow them the same.
“You said you’ve read horror stories and things on the internet that scare you. If you’re really that worried, think of what you read as a cautionary tale. Don’t take anything for granted. And keep in mind that if things do fall apart, it isn’t the end of the world.”
Blaine lowers his head. “I know,” he says. “I can, I think I can do that. Maybe. Eventually. But I don’t know if I’m ready, and Kurt’s appointment is in a little over two weeks now, and…”
Wes thinks for a moment. “Blaine. If you want to close your eyes when Kurt goes into his appointment because you’re honestly a Dissenter now, I respect that decision. It wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility for you to have changed your mind, especially given what you’ve gone through in the last few months. People change, and thank God we do. If this is what you honestly believe now, then I think that’s fine. It’s your choice.
“However, if you want to close your eyes because you’re scared of what it means for you or for your relationship with Kurt? If you keep this from Kurt or Finn because you can’t handle the result? If you think this is easier than facing whatever the consequences or ramifications are - good or bad? Then that’s different.
“You aren’t a coward, Blaine, and despite what you sometimes think about yourself, no one who matters thinks of you as a coward either. But to keep your eyes closed during Kurt’s procedure because you’re scared, that is a cowardly act.”
Blaine nods his head slightly but can’t meet Wes’ eyes. He stares at his hands in his lap.
“One more thing, and I’m going to need you to look at me when I say this.” Blaine takes a deep breath, in and out, and reluctantly raises his head. “Whatever you decide, whatever you choose, I will be here for you, and so will the other four idiots on the other side of that door.” He raises his voice and calls out, “Right Jeff?”
Jeff yells, “I will follow you into battle, sir!”
Blaine lets out a hiccuping sort of laughing sob and can’t get his arms around Wes to hug him fast enough. “It’s okay,” Wes whispers.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know. I’m sorry, too.”
Blaine nods and hugs a little tighter, holding on for a couple of minutes, trying to calm down. “Wes?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t think I was ever really going to keep my eyes closed. I just needed to not think about what happens after his appointment.”
Wes pats him twice on the back then lets him go. “I know.”
Blaine sits back and looks Wes in the eye. “I’m going to need a plan.”
The door bursts open, and Jeff comes running into the room. He throws his arms around Blaine and Wes. “I’m so happy for us!” he bawls.
“How did you get in here? I thought I locked the door,” Wes says, smiling at Jeff.
“Please,” Jeff sniffs. “I’ve been picking locks since I was seven.”
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Ending A/N: The following includes some opinions and observations. I don’t treat them as fact. I fully expect some disagreement and in no way wish to belittle or anger those who might differ in their opinion. I welcome anyone who would like to discuss this further, either in private or in a public comment.
So.
I know there were a few who were bothered by Blaine’s initial decision to close his eyes and potentially keep Kurt from seeing through him (if that’s what happens). I received comments about how selfish and terrible it was, and I don’t disagree with that. The key for me, though, is his motivation. There’s no malice, no attempt to control Kurt. Blaine is a teenage boy with a proven record of sometimes acting without thinking. It’s a blind panicking, knee-jerk reaction to news that has completely upended his view of himself, of those around him, and of his future.
I think it would be disingenuous for Blaine to immediately embrace the possibility of Kurt as his soulmate, especially in light of what he’s had to grow through thus far in the story. In SLS, when Kurt sort of reveals his feelings to Blaine in the Lima Bean, Blaine explicitly states that while Kurt means a lot to him, he’s scared of screwing up. He chooses fear over his feelings. I made that bigger here, more dramatic, but then the stakes are a bit bigger here, too.
Some of my inspiration for the conversation with Wes in this chapter comes from The West Wing. At the end of season 2, President Bartlet has taken a figurative beating and decided, purely as a reaction, not to run for a second term. He has a conversation with his secretary, Mrs. Landingham, where she says, “You know, if you don't want to run again, I respect that. But if you don't run ‘cause you think it will be too hard or you think you're going to lose, well, God, Jed, I don't even want to know you.”
I tried to apply the same basic idea here to Blaine. If he honestly believed that Finders and Soulmates made things too complicated and opted to be a Dissenter, that would be fine. He made the decision out of fear, though, which is what Wes says.
One last thing. some people reacted strongly to the idea of Blaine keeping his identity a secret from Kurt and closing his eyes during Kurt’s procedure. And because he was doing it for the wrong reasons, namely fear and uncertainty, I agree with that. But it’s important to remember that in this au, finding one’s soulmate is not a guarantee, nor is it a right. The person doing the “finding” should have every opportunity to look for his or her soulmate, just as the one being “found” has every right to not want to be found.
So there’s that. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.
Part 13A