(no subject)
I really don't know what's going on in my head these days. Not that it's a change or anything.
I wonder if I just have a personality that's great for alienating others or something. Maybe it's what I do best? How many people in my past are still an active part of my life now? Why did I feel the need to move from Winnipeg to Vancouver? Is it all in my head? I don't seem to inspire much in the way of loyalty, but I guess neither do I do much to keep it. It all seems so transitory.
I haven't really spent much time in a single location. I guess it's just my nature. Here today, gone tomorrow, in terms of a social life. A year here, a couple there. High-school was the longest I'd spent in one place. Oddly enough, many people hated high-school, but I loved every minute of it. I actually made connections! For once in my life I belonged. Same thing in Katimavik. I guess it was a bit more forced there though, you spend nine months living together and you damn-well better get along, or life tends to get hellish. I guess I just got soft.
I've been so use to always being on my own, that having these connections meant I wound up relying on them. People leave though. Nobody can be there all the time, and in the end you only really have yourself to count on. I mean, I thought these people would be life-long connections. How many people do I still talk to? Heh, even looking at this list on my Livejournal, I don't think I've spoken to any of you in years (although, to be fair, nobody still USES their Livejournal these days. It gives me freedom to post I suppose). But I mean, people I grew up with, matured with. A house of people I lived together with for most of a year, Hell, a girl I fell madly in love with/gave it all up for/still for some reason care deeply about even though she hates me...
...And nothing. Maybe an angry glance the odd time our paths cross. Is that all I'm meant to be? Transitory? A memory from the old days (if even that)? That certainly puts a damper on things.
It's funny, I all of a sudden remember back in improv. How happy they were that they'd finally "cracked" me. It was quite the monumental day! Will, shedding a tear and emoting, in front of people even! I enjoyed it all. I think though, they were in place for a reason, those barriers that is.
Now here I am, having to learn to count on myself again. Ain't life funny that way? In the long run, you really only have yourself to count on. People come and people go, and nobody stands with you forever. I think friendship winds up meaning something different out here. I don't know how to play by the rules of their game. That and maybe I'm again, just too transitory. Not worth letting these roots expand. Who knows?
It bugs me though. I try , and I try to be an honest good friend to people out here. All I've wound up finding, can't really be summed up that well. After much research, I've found that my friendship and myself are worth less than the following:
- A second glance
- The time of day
- The price of a bus ticket
- The price of a text message
- Moral support when needed, and I even asked for. (That last one really stung, too.)
Seriously though, I know we're not on the best of terms. But when my house is broken into, and I need someone to talk tom you think you could let bygones be bygones? I wouldn't ask for a lesser reason, either. I mean, I'd like to think that people know regardless of where we stand now, if we were ever friends and someone needed me and asked for help, I would provide it. I wonder if I ask too much?
A bit of a sour note to end on. When does one post on their high-school blog with something happy though? Hah, I kid. I dunno, I'm grasping at loose thoughts here. I miss the old days, but I can never find anyone to reminisce with anymore. I tend to leave them all behind.
I wonder if I just have a personality that's great for alienating others or something. Maybe it's what I do best? How many people in my past are still an active part of my life now? Why did I feel the need to move from Winnipeg to Vancouver? Is it all in my head? I don't seem to inspire much in the way of loyalty, but I guess neither do I do much to keep it. It all seems so transitory.
I haven't really spent much time in a single location. I guess it's just my nature. Here today, gone tomorrow, in terms of a social life. A year here, a couple there. High-school was the longest I'd spent in one place. Oddly enough, many people hated high-school, but I loved every minute of it. I actually made connections! For once in my life I belonged. Same thing in Katimavik. I guess it was a bit more forced there though, you spend nine months living together and you damn-well better get along, or life tends to get hellish. I guess I just got soft.
I've been so use to always being on my own, that having these connections meant I wound up relying on them. People leave though. Nobody can be there all the time, and in the end you only really have yourself to count on. I mean, I thought these people would be life-long connections. How many people do I still talk to? Heh, even looking at this list on my Livejournal, I don't think I've spoken to any of you in years (although, to be fair, nobody still USES their Livejournal these days. It gives me freedom to post I suppose). But I mean, people I grew up with, matured with. A house of people I lived together with for most of a year, Hell, a girl I fell madly in love with/gave it all up for/still for some reason care deeply about even though she hates me...
...And nothing. Maybe an angry glance the odd time our paths cross. Is that all I'm meant to be? Transitory? A memory from the old days (if even that)? That certainly puts a damper on things.
It's funny, I all of a sudden remember back in improv. How happy they were that they'd finally "cracked" me. It was quite the monumental day! Will, shedding a tear and emoting, in front of people even! I enjoyed it all. I think though, they were in place for a reason, those barriers that is.
Now here I am, having to learn to count on myself again. Ain't life funny that way? In the long run, you really only have yourself to count on. People come and people go, and nobody stands with you forever. I think friendship winds up meaning something different out here. I don't know how to play by the rules of their game. That and maybe I'm again, just too transitory. Not worth letting these roots expand. Who knows?
It bugs me though. I try , and I try to be an honest good friend to people out here. All I've wound up finding, can't really be summed up that well. After much research, I've found that my friendship and myself are worth less than the following:
- A second glance
- The time of day
- The price of a bus ticket
- The price of a text message
- Moral support when needed, and I even asked for. (That last one really stung, too.)
Seriously though, I know we're not on the best of terms. But when my house is broken into, and I need someone to talk tom you think you could let bygones be bygones? I wouldn't ask for a lesser reason, either. I mean, I'd like to think that people know regardless of where we stand now, if we were ever friends and someone needed me and asked for help, I would provide it. I wonder if I ask too much?
A bit of a sour note to end on. When does one post on their high-school blog with something happy though? Hah, I kid. I dunno, I'm grasping at loose thoughts here. I miss the old days, but I can never find anyone to reminisce with anymore. I tend to leave them all behind.