Let's Watch Umineko no Naku Koro ni! (Episode 1, Part 1)
Hey there, folks! I've recently been pressured into watching Umineko by my jackass friends who I hate. As a fan of Higurashi, I decided it was time to give this heretical new series a shot just to see how much I hate it. Let's embark on this journey together, and then if it sucks you guys can help me beat the crap out of my friends.
Without further ado, Let's Watch Umineko!
Umineko opens with the Amazing Technicolor Insanity that is standard fare for the When They Cry series, and is chock full of the same things we saw from the Higurashi opening theme: attractive women looking forlorn, small girls grinning insanely, butterflies and shit all over the place, and mer-people watching sharks swim in a sea of blood. As for me, I only have one question: who is that smoking hottie in the beret, and where can I get her number?
Battler also displays his uncanny ability to shoot butterflies from his pointer finger.
The episode itself begins with an old man sitting in his study while a storm rages outside. Given that he is A) old, B) clearly pimpin', and C) surrounded by lightning, I am going to take the liberty of nicknaming him Zeus.
Zeus is consulting with his doctor, who seems like a Wentworth to me, asking "how long he has left", to which Wentworth replies "three months". Upon hearing this news, Zeus tosses his goblet of wine to the floor, shattering it into a million pieces. Fun fact: that goblet was probably worth more than your life.
Zeus stands to his feet, tears forming in his eyes as he addresses a "Beatrice". Either this Beatrice is someone not currently present or he and Wentworth have some personal history that I am really not interested in exploring!
ZEUS calls out to "Beatrice", promising to give her back everything she gave him if he can just see her smile before he dies. Fun fact: "Beatrice" in the Japanese dub is pronounced "Bee-ah-tuh-ree-shee", hence my new nickame for her: Christinaricci.
The face of terror.
With that, we're off to go get introduced to our protagonists! We find ourselves on the sunny open seas, where our main character Battler is busy humping the shit out of a boat.
"Oh, yes, you shake for me baby, yes, yes, nnnnnngh!"- Battler Ushiromiya
I would give him a nickname, but let's face it, "Battler" is pretty hardcore. Any man with a name like Battler who sexually assaults vehicles isn't someone you want to fuck with. Especially if you are a boat.
After calling the boat a taxi and promising to call it tomorrow, Battler gives us our exposition. He and his family are headed for the island of Rokkenjima, which is a private estate owned by the Ushiromiya family. You know those rich assholes who buy entire islands? Thaaaaaat's our Zeusy!
According to Battler, it's 1986. This may somewhat explain the nightmarish clump of red spikes where his hair used to be.
Next up, let's meet the rest of our main cast!
This is George, Battler's cousin. He bears a strong resemblence to a certain Higurashi character named Tomitake, who is infamous for dying like literally every fucking episode.
I do not foresee happiness in George's future.
This is Maria.
She is the devil.
This is Rosa, Maria's mother and Battler's aunt. She seems nice!
These two are Hideyoshi and Eva, George's parents and Battler's other aunt and uncle. I can't help but notice Hideyoshi's slight resemblence to Joseph Stalin. PLOT TWIST????
And lastly we have Rudolf and Kyrie, Battler's parents. Rudolf? Seriously? God, I hope he gets killed. And I'm not just saying that so Kyrie will be on the market again, either.
It's the tie that gets me.
Other than that, Battler's parents seem alright, but on the other hand, they are responsible for bringing Battler's Hair into the world. Keep an eye on these guys.
Greeting the newcomers is Jessica, yet another cousin! Unlike with the other two cousins, Battler hasn't seen Jessica in six years, and she has developed quite a bit since then. The polite thing to do would be to compliment her on her impressive figure!
"I am the protagonist of this show. No, seriously!"- Battler Ushiromiya
Or not.
Now, it's important to note here that in Japan, getting it on with your first cousin isn't as taboo as it is here in the States, so if you find something wrong with Battler attempting to molest his cousin, it's only because you are a culturally insensitive moron. Besides, who doesn't find inbreeding hilarious?
Evidently not Jessica, who has graced Battler with a massive brain tumor for his troubles.
Next we meet Kumasawa, the head maid lady. She's a sweet old grandma-y woman, who I'm sure will dispense some kindly advice and bake cookies for our heroes.
It is around this time that I suspect my friends recommended this show to fuck with me.
George notes that it's unusually quiet, and points out the lack of seagulls around. Maria, meanwhile, chimes in with "Uu!", pointing out that the little shrine on a nearby crag has disappeared.
"Uu", by the by, is Maria's catch phrase/verbal tic. You will hear it no less than fifty times from her in one scene. I guess it's meant to be cute or whatever, but to me makes her sound more like a Smurf being raped than anything.
Jessica explains that she heard the shrine was hit by a bolt of lightning and destroyed. Maria replies: "Bad omen. Bad omen." while squinting like a little serial killer. Nobody notices this or acknowledges it at all.
Scene change!
Our happy little family (and Maria) heads towards Zeus's mansion, whereupon they marvel at Zeus's extensive flower garden.
Maria notices one rose is wilting, and expresses concern for its condition. George suggests she take care of it, and attaches a ribbon to the rose's stem so that she'll know where to find it.
"I HUNGER FOR FLESH."- Maria Ushiromiya
While Maria goes apeshit over this stupid flower, Stalin Hideyoshi notices one of the mansion servants, Kanon, and invites her over to talk.
Whoa! Totally caught me off-guard with the all the hotness there, Kanon. I mean damn.
Battler tries to greet Kanon, only for Kanon to quietly rebuff his advances. Aww, she's shy and adorable! Come to BF, my lovely flower. I'll never hurt you.
Don't you people say a fucking word.
This guy, Gohda, tells off Kanon for being a fucking asshole, to which Kanon only replies "We are furniture, so..." like a little bitch. The family heads inside the mansion, leaving Kanon behind, which is a fantastic idea. Let's leave him behind and never speak of him or his gorgeous, supple lips ever again.
Inside the mansion, we're introduced to Shannon! She's a pretty young thing and most definitely female, unlike certain assclowns not to be named. What's the word, Battler?
"LOVE THEM TITTIES"- Battler Ushiromiya
Good man.
Without further ado, Let's Watch Umineko!
Umineko opens with the Amazing Technicolor Insanity that is standard fare for the When They Cry series, and is chock full of the same things we saw from the Higurashi opening theme: attractive women looking forlorn, small girls grinning insanely, butterflies and shit all over the place, and mer-people watching sharks swim in a sea of blood. As for me, I only have one question: who is that smoking hottie in the beret, and where can I get her number?
Battler also displays his uncanny ability to shoot butterflies from his pointer finger.
The episode itself begins with an old man sitting in his study while a storm rages outside. Given that he is A) old, B) clearly pimpin', and C) surrounded by lightning, I am going to take the liberty of nicknaming him Zeus.
Zeus is consulting with his doctor, who seems like a Wentworth to me, asking "how long he has left", to which Wentworth replies "three months". Upon hearing this news, Zeus tosses his goblet of wine to the floor, shattering it into a million pieces. Fun fact: that goblet was probably worth more than your life.
Zeus stands to his feet, tears forming in his eyes as he addresses a "Beatrice". Either this Beatrice is someone not currently present or he and Wentworth have some personal history that I am really not interested in exploring!
ZEUS calls out to "Beatrice", promising to give her back everything she gave him if he can just see her smile before he dies. Fun fact: "Beatrice" in the Japanese dub is pronounced "Bee-ah-tuh-ree-shee", hence my new nickame for her: Christinaricci.
The face of terror.
With that, we're off to go get introduced to our protagonists! We find ourselves on the sunny open seas, where our main character Battler is busy humping the shit out of a boat.
"Oh, yes, you shake for me baby, yes, yes, nnnnnngh!"- Battler Ushiromiya
I would give him a nickname, but let's face it, "Battler" is pretty hardcore. Any man with a name like Battler who sexually assaults vehicles isn't someone you want to fuck with. Especially if you are a boat.
After calling the boat a taxi and promising to call it tomorrow, Battler gives us our exposition. He and his family are headed for the island of Rokkenjima, which is a private estate owned by the Ushiromiya family. You know those rich assholes who buy entire islands? Thaaaaaat's our Zeusy!
According to Battler, it's 1986. This may somewhat explain the nightmarish clump of red spikes where his hair used to be.
Next up, let's meet the rest of our main cast!
This is George, Battler's cousin. He bears a strong resemblence to a certain Higurashi character named Tomitake, who is infamous for dying like literally every fucking episode.
I do not foresee happiness in George's future.
This is Maria.
She is the devil.
This is Rosa, Maria's mother and Battler's aunt. She seems nice!
These two are Hideyoshi and Eva, George's parents and Battler's other aunt and uncle. I can't help but notice Hideyoshi's slight resemblence to Joseph Stalin. PLOT TWIST????
And lastly we have Rudolf and Kyrie, Battler's parents. Rudolf? Seriously? God, I hope he gets killed. And I'm not just saying that so Kyrie will be on the market again, either.
It's the tie that gets me.
Other than that, Battler's parents seem alright, but on the other hand, they are responsible for bringing Battler's Hair into the world. Keep an eye on these guys.
Greeting the newcomers is Jessica, yet another cousin! Unlike with the other two cousins, Battler hasn't seen Jessica in six years, and she has developed quite a bit since then. The polite thing to do would be to compliment her on her impressive figure!
"I am the protagonist of this show. No, seriously!"- Battler Ushiromiya
Or not.
Now, it's important to note here that in Japan, getting it on with your first cousin isn't as taboo as it is here in the States, so if you find something wrong with Battler attempting to molest his cousin, it's only because you are a culturally insensitive moron. Besides, who doesn't find inbreeding hilarious?
Evidently not Jessica, who has graced Battler with a massive brain tumor for his troubles.
Next we meet Kumasawa, the head maid lady. She's a sweet old grandma-y woman, who I'm sure will dispense some kindly advice and bake cookies for our heroes.
It is around this time that I suspect my friends recommended this show to fuck with me.
George notes that it's unusually quiet, and points out the lack of seagulls around. Maria, meanwhile, chimes in with "Uu!", pointing out that the little shrine on a nearby crag has disappeared.
"Uu", by the by, is Maria's catch phrase/verbal tic. You will hear it no less than fifty times from her in one scene. I guess it's meant to be cute or whatever, but to me makes her sound more like a Smurf being raped than anything.
Jessica explains that she heard the shrine was hit by a bolt of lightning and destroyed. Maria replies: "Bad omen. Bad omen." while squinting like a little serial killer. Nobody notices this or acknowledges it at all.
Scene change!
Our happy little family (and Maria) heads towards Zeus's mansion, whereupon they marvel at Zeus's extensive flower garden.
Maria notices one rose is wilting, and expresses concern for its condition. George suggests she take care of it, and attaches a ribbon to the rose's stem so that she'll know where to find it.
"I HUNGER FOR FLESH."- Maria Ushiromiya
While Maria goes apeshit over this stupid flower, Stalin Hideyoshi notices one of the mansion servants, Kanon, and invites her over to talk.
Whoa! Totally caught me off-guard with the all the hotness there, Kanon. I mean damn.
Battler tries to greet Kanon, only for Kanon to quietly rebuff his advances. Aww, she's shy and adorable! Come to BF, my lovely flower. I'll never hurt you.
Don't you people say a fucking word.
This guy, Gohda, tells off Kanon for being a fucking asshole, to which Kanon only replies "We are furniture, so..." like a little bitch. The family heads inside the mansion, leaving Kanon behind, which is a fantastic idea. Let's leave him behind and never speak of him or his gorgeous, supple lips ever again.
Inside the mansion, we're introduced to Shannon! She's a pretty young thing and most definitely female, unlike certain assclowns not to be named. What's the word, Battler?
"LOVE THEM TITTIES"- Battler Ushiromiya
Good man.