Fuck Tony Hawk in his Ancient Shriveled Ass
Those of you who have the pleasure of my company on a day-to-day basis know of my boundless loathing of all things XTREME. It seems that everything from snackfoods to tampons needs to be huckstered up my ass from the back of a skateboard. The kids like the skateboards, boy howdy.
Likewise, you may know of the connection I noticed, that the more XTREME a product is, the higher it's likelihood of being sold in a tube of some kind. I do not know why. My (least) favorite of these abortions is the GRAB AND GO YOGURT which pontificates ceaselessly about the lamentable condition of anyone queer enough to use such ancient travesties as, oh, I dunno...spoons. And now, to make matters worse, they're even selling TUBES OF PEANUT BUTTER. Yes, JUST peanut butter, which I guess you squeeze into your mouth while popping ollies or whatever on your faggoty skateboard.
So I'm looking at this commercial, right, this commercial that's telling me to eat peanut butter out of a tube while tear-assing around on a skateboard, like some kind of retarded wheeled astronaut, and I think to myself, "HOLY LIVING FUCK." These are the end-times, you know.
What's my point? I don't remember, but Jesus Christ on Toast, the next time I see somebody eating yogurt out of a giant ketchup-packet wearing a neon-orange helmet and elbow-pads, I will jam a spoon right up their XTREME RECTUM.
Likewise, you may know of the connection I noticed, that the more XTREME a product is, the higher it's likelihood of being sold in a tube of some kind. I do not know why. My (least) favorite of these abortions is the GRAB AND GO YOGURT which pontificates ceaselessly about the lamentable condition of anyone queer enough to use such ancient travesties as, oh, I dunno...spoons. And now, to make matters worse, they're even selling TUBES OF PEANUT BUTTER. Yes, JUST peanut butter, which I guess you squeeze into your mouth while popping ollies or whatever on your faggoty skateboard.
So I'm looking at this commercial, right, this commercial that's telling me to eat peanut butter out of a tube while tear-assing around on a skateboard, like some kind of retarded wheeled astronaut, and I think to myself, "HOLY LIVING FUCK." These are the end-times, you know.
What's my point? I don't remember, but Jesus Christ on Toast, the next time I see somebody eating yogurt out of a giant ketchup-packet wearing a neon-orange helmet and elbow-pads, I will jam a spoon right up their XTREME RECTUM.