Something I Must Do

[innocentpaul]

I have spoken with Lord Edward, and he has allowed me to meet with Raphael. A part of me wants to run, to block this out, but now that Gaspard is free of the pain he felt from Father's misery I know I must do this.

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[r4phi_k]

I can't believe my eyes that Paul is here. At first I think it's a dream, I have had plenty of those, where he comes back for me, where he speaks words so similar to those now coming out of his perfect mouth. But never do I smell him in my dreams and I do smell him, his scent is like the most expensive exquisite perfume to my nose and that has me sitting up.

I slip my feet over the edge of the bed feeling them touch the soft rug there and I don't take my eyes from him at all. My heart swells painfully at the sight of him. "It's really you." Then I am smiling and up on my feet reaching for him. "I missed you so much Paul..."

[innocentpaul]

My heart aches. I've hurt him so much and now...

I take his hands in mine not allowing him to hold me which I'm sure was his intentions. "Raphael, I've wronged you terribly. I - I used you... I - oh Raphael you deserve so much more."

Taking a step closer I squeeze his hands, "I am with Gaspard again, things are different, he is better. Oh Raphael, please do not hate me."

[r4phi_k]

I know what he says is not going to be anything I want to hear as soon as he takes my hands and keeps me at a distance. It hurts immensely after all this time to have him standing here and pretending that what I feel he does not feel as well. That he never felt it, that he used me, that what we had was basically nothing. It was not nothing and I know he felt it.

I let go of his hands and turn away from him. "I understand." He loves Gaspard more, I have come to accept that. The tears start falling. "I don't hate you. I love you Paul..." I know I would do anything for him but it's so hard. "I just want you to be happy."

[innocentpaul]

My heart clinches. I think I'd rather he hate me.

"I want you to be happy as well Raphael. I was never meant to be your intended. If I had we would have been together before - before the night we spent together. Oh Raphael," I hang my head, "I - you are so much better than me. I don't deserve your forgiveness."

[r4phi_k]

I can tell by the words he says that this isn't just about him wanting my happiness. There is some guilt on his part. This is just to assuage the guilt, make him feel better in having left me like this, treated my heart like it didn't matter, chosen Gaspard over me. Things I already knew in myself would happen. Those thoughts only hurt worse and make my pain so much harder to bear.

I turn and look at him. "What do you want me to say Paul?" I wipe at the tears on my face. "I can't help what my heart feels." I take his shoulders in my hands and look into his eyes. "I know in your own way you love me." My breath hitches. "Not as deeply as Gaspard, I can accept that, but don't try and make out to me that you never did. That's not you."

[innocentpaul]

I can't help myself, I reach out and cup his cheek, "Of course I loved you, love you in fact. You were there for me, you accepted me as I was - you will always have a piece of my heart Raphael. I never meant to make you feel anything less."

Closing my eyes I feel my heart ache, "I do not regret being with you," I open my eyes, "but I do regret hurting you."

[r4phi_k]

His touch feels so good and I lean into it. I place my hand over his. I slip my other hand from his shoulder and caress his neck as I step closer. "Please Paul.." I tighten my fingers on his hand and look down. I don't know what I am asking of him. I just know how not having him is killing my heart.

Fresh tears spill over my cheeks at the hopelessness I feel. I look back up at him. "I ache for you. It hurts so much.." I lean forward into him letting go of his hand, slipping my arm around him, and resting my head against his chest. "I don't know how to make it stop."

[innocentpaul]

My heart breaks and I wrap my arms around him, my hand caressing his hair. "Oh Raphael, I wish I could make the pain go away, you have no idea how much I wish I could. I know your feelings are genuine - but.."

I lean my cheeks on his head, "I'm not that person you feel for. I was hurting and vulnerable... there is some one out there meant for you. Some one who can make your heart soar and love you completely."

[r4phi_k]

His arms around me just make my tears come even more, this is not the way I want him to hold me, not out of pity, but I will take this over no touch at all. His words make my heart heavier. "I am tired of everyone saying that to me. I do not want anyone else." I hold on to him tighter. "I want you Paul, there is no other for me."

[innocentpaul]

I feel a tear fall down my cheek and I push him away and stagger back. Shaking my head I apologize, "I can't do this... I'm sorry Raphael. You deserve so much better. I can't even apologize without my own heart hurting and me running from it."

He moves toward me, but I hold up a hand making it impossible for him to move any further. The tears flow now from my eyes, "I don't want you like that Raphael. I love Gaspard and he is the one I want to be with. Hate me, please, save your love for some one who wants it."

[r4phi_k]

I fall to my knees as his words cut into me. I sob and clutch my hands to my chest. "No don't say that Paul, please don't... I love you!" I look up at his tear stained face through my own. "Please, I love you, don't do this, please..."

I can see though by his eyes that no matter how much he loves me there is no chance, ever, Gaspard will always win. I am only making it worse for both of us and I am at about the limit of pain I can take, my heart is literally breaking apart. I can't think past that pain and I want it to end. I just want it all to go away.

I put my hand out and call my sword to me. I hold it tight in my hand, hold it out to him. "Kill me then. Take out my heart, I can't take this anymore! You did this to me, you caused this pain, you make it end!"

[innocentpaul]

I am horrified and want to run, but then I look at the dagger and then him and I feel rage build inside me. Yanking the knife from his hand I growl at him.

"You are a Death Dealer! You served under Lord Gaspard; fought and killed and yet you beg for death over some one who hurt you!?"

Stepping closer I throw the dagger across the room and lift him with my powers, "You shame this family with your actions! Perhaps Lord Edward is fine with his member whining over lost love and begging for death but I will NOT allow you to tarnish Lord Gaspard's name!"

Throwing him against the wall I hiss, "Get up! If you will not fight me at least stand up to me!"

[r4phi_k]

I am stunned at first by his reaction, he does not care enough to end my suffering. Then his words make me angry.

I pull myself to my feet. "Your precious Gaspard! That is all you truly care about isn't it?! How I've tarnished him..." I snarl at him. "Well I hate him! He abandoned us!" I thump my chest with my hand. "He left us remember. Left us for you!" I point my finger at him accusingly. "And now you throw him in my face. The one who keeps you from me?!"

[innocentpaul]

With a thrust of my hand I press him hard against the wall and snarl, "He left because of all of us! We let him down! We forgot our places!"

I sneer at his bed, "Look at you! Lying like a child crying over one night of pleasure! If I were to end it all for you it would be to take away the disgrace you lay upon Gaspard!"

[r4phi_k]

It is a strange sensation to love some one so much yet be angry enough to cut them down where they stand.

I glare at him and snarl. "Get out!"

[innocentpaul]

"Gladly! Just remember who you represent Raphi!"

I slip into the ether and step out into our bedroom. Gaspard turns and looks at me and I fall to my knees sobbing. That was one of the worst things I've ever had to do.

Not a word of it did I believe, but I would rather he hate me. I feel my heart ache as I remember the look on his face.

I feel Gaspard's hands on me and I lean into him wrapping myself around him, "Oh Gaspard, it was so awful."