I bite on the inside of my lip. He is starting to regret it I just know it. The disappointment I feel is immense. Confusion in myself at these sudden feelings.
He will want to go back to Gaspard.
I don't want him feeling guilt over this but I don't want this to end. I don't want him to go back to one who does not know how to treat him, who abuses his trust and hurts him. It hurts me to think he would feel guilty over what we just shared and want to go back to Gaspard. To forget this ever happened. That he would rather him than me, and I feel like an idiot for thinking he would even want me and letting myself get confused. I was just comfort, that is all, and I have to remember that. The potential for something greater that I imagine is there, is not.
I lay my head back and close my eyes curling my fingers in his hair resting them against his cheek.
"No it was not." I can't help but show the anger in my voice. "Gaspard is wrong for what he did to you." The muscles in my jaw clench tightly. I want to say so much more about how wrong he is but I have to remember Paul loves him.
I can tell by his tone I have angered him some how. Reaching up I cup his cheek, "Please do not be angry with me Raphael. I know you and Gaspard..."
Closing my eyes I try not to think of Raphael turning me over to Gaspard, "I know you are close. And you have a loyalty to him, but," I look back into his eyes, "don't make me face him again. Don't forget me when you go back to him, please."
My eyes fly open and look into his. "What?! I could never be angry with you!" I push myself up on one elbow and flatten my palm against his cheek. "I have no loyalty to him?! After what he has done to you, there is no such thing!"
Then it sinks in, the implications of what he said. I look at him questioningly lowering my voice trying not to hope. "You do not want to go back to him?"
I lean into his touch and close my eyes drawing strength from him. "The Gaspard I loved is gone."
Opening my eyes I look at him, "I was only a substitute for Father. I know little of love, but I know I want to be loved for who I am, not who I resemble."
Biting my lower lip slightly I think of what he said, "Your loyalty to him is gone because of what he did - to me?"
I push his hair back from his face and brush my thumb across his cheek. "Because that is not the kind of man I am." I lay back on my pillow. "To know you like I do now and what he has done... you do not deserve that."
I pull him closer. "If I were to have someone as precious as you I would never treat you as he has done."
I snuggle close to him and stroke his chest, "Too many things changed for him I think. He was all about his place in this world. I suppose I got caught up in that as well."
Shaking my head I feel ashamed of how I acted, "He made me believe I was better than most. That I deserved only the best, that I was entitled."
Turning my head in shame I think aloud, "Those were not my beliefs. I am just a simple boy looking for love."
I remember my first impressions of him and I admit they were not good. But I know what it is to come from nothing and be thrust into their world. I was much the same at the beginning until it wore off and the reality set in.
I chuckle softly. "You were quite up yourself. I was quite intimidated by you. I must admit I did not much like Lord Paul." I look down at him. "But I much prefer the simple boy looking for love. I like him a lot."
It hurts to hear him say he didn't like Lord Paul, but then he say he likes the simple boy - the true me. I smile and lean up on my elbow so I can look down onto his beautiful face. Pushing my hair back behind my ear I laugh softly with him, "And I thought you didn't approve of me as Gaspard's mate, that I was not worthy."
Caressing his face I trace his lips with my thumb, "I like the Raphael I know now."
I lean down and kiss him softly. Slowly we deepen the kiss till we are once again wrapped around one another holding each other tightly. We we finally pull apart I'm halfway lying on top of him. I lay my head on his shoulder and smile. This is good - but can it last?
"Are we in danger? I doubt he will come looking for me, but Gaspard will want his family back."
I rest my cheek against his forehead and lazily stroke my fingers over his shoulder. It would be heaven to be able to stay like this forever but I have no doubt he will come looking for Paul. He will know what we have done and I know he will not be pleased. I am not sure about either of our lives being safe.
"Gaspard does not let go easily. I am sure he will come looking for you. We should not be here when he does. We need to find a place he will not look." I sigh. "But I do not know where else to go. I have always been with the family."
He will want to go back to Gaspard.
I don't want him feeling guilt over this but I don't want this to end. I don't want him to go back to one who does not know how to treat him, who abuses his trust and hurts him. It hurts me to think he would feel guilty over what we just shared and want to go back to Gaspard. To forget this ever happened. That he would rather him than me, and I feel like an idiot for thinking he would even want me and letting myself get confused. I was just comfort, that is all, and I have to remember that. The potential for something greater that I imagine is there, is not.
I lay my head back and close my eyes curling my fingers in his hair resting them against his cheek.
"No it was not." I can't help but show the anger in my voice. "Gaspard is wrong for what he did to you." The muscles in my jaw clench tightly. I want to say so much more about how wrong he is but I have to remember Paul loves him.
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Closing my eyes I try not to think of Raphael turning me over to Gaspard, "I know you are close. And you have a loyalty to him, but," I look back into his eyes, "don't make me face him again. Don't forget me when you go back to him, please."
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Then it sinks in, the implications of what he said. I look at him questioningly lowering my voice trying not to hope. "You do not want to go back to him?"
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I lean into his touch and close my eyes drawing strength from him. "The Gaspard I loved is gone."
Opening my eyes I look at him, "I was only a substitute for Father. I know little of love, but I know I want to be loved for who I am, not who I resemble."
Biting my lower lip slightly I think of what he said, "Your loyalty to him is gone because of what he did - to me?"
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I pull him closer. "If I were to have someone as precious as you I would never treat you as he has done."
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Shaking my head I feel ashamed of how I acted, "He made me believe I was better than most. That I deserved only the best, that I was entitled."
Turning my head in shame I think aloud, "Those were not my beliefs. I am just a simple boy looking for love."
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I chuckle softly. "You were quite up yourself. I was quite intimidated by you. I must admit I did not much like Lord Paul." I look down at him. "But I much prefer the simple boy looking for love. I like him a lot."
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Caressing his face I trace his lips with my thumb, "I like the Raphael I know now."
I lean down and kiss him softly. Slowly we deepen the kiss till we are once again wrapped around one another holding each other tightly. We we finally pull apart I'm halfway lying on top of him. I lay my head on his shoulder and smile. This is good - but can it last?
"Are we in danger? I doubt he will come looking for me, but Gaspard will want his family back."
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"Gaspard does not let go easily. I am sure he will come looking for you. We should not be here when he does. We need to find a place he will not look." I sigh. "But I do not know where else to go. I have always been with the family."
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