So This Is The Truth...

[_shox_]

For more than two weeks I have been dreaming of my parents. To dream of them is not uncommon, but everynight and these dreams... they are of battles and I wake with a sense of urgency to help them. I've talked to Dev about it and I get the feeling he can sense my parents and they are indeed together.

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[_shox_]

I take off after him and grab his arm just as he is outside our room. I pull him back and turn him wrapping my arms around him and bury my face in his neck and hair. "Dev, babe, please. I need you, I love you."

This can't be happening. Once he calms down... I need him to be ok with this. Squeezing my eyes shut I feel the tears fall and my heart aches, "Please trust me, please."

[d3v0n_w]

I want to stay curled up in his arms with all the reality of this distant outside of us but it's not. The possibility the same arms that hold me now may be gone one day crushes at me.

"It's not you I don't trust Shox it's them. If I agree to support you then you promise me to keep Strider out of this, all of it, ever..."

[_shox_]

I pull back and look into his eyes, "I - I don't know if I can babe. He is bound to find out... it will be his decision eventually."

[d3v0n_w]

My heart sinks when he can't make that promise. "You wouldn't stop them would you Shox."

[_shox_]

I take his face in my hands, "I would never put our son in immediate danger. Never send him to his slaughter, not for anyone or any cause. Just being our son he is in danger, that is a part of our lives. I don't know how I will feel about all this once I start, but I want to find out. It may be something I will fight tooth and nail to keep him from - but then again it may be something I want him to decide for himself."

Leaning in I kiss his lips softly, "But I would never knowingly jeopardize his life."

[d3v0n_w]

I look up at him the feel of his lips still fresh on mine. "I love you Shox but I can't do this. I can't stand here and be okay with it, I can't wait around worrying more than I do even now that something bad is going to happen to you."

I pull away from him and walk over to pick up my car keys. "I'm going to the studio. I need to be alone for a bit."

[_shox_]

I move to him, faster than I ever have, almost as if I used the ether to the front door, and take his hand in mine, "Whoa, I mean.... look into it with me. Let's discover what I can do together, then let's talk about me and Strider. I need you Dev, please."

[d3v0n_w]

"I need you to Tarzan." I look up at him. "I need you back here beside me not charging out in front putting yourself in danger making yourself an easier target. Tomek is a sociopath with all of hells darkness backing him up. I don't want you in his sights."

I squeeze his hand then let it go. "The fact you can't understand why it upsets me makes me worry more. It makes me angry." I reach up and rub my neck where he grabbed me. "I'm just going to go for a drive and spend some time in the studio." I lean in and kiss him on the cheek. "I'll be back."

[_shox_]

What I did, grabbing him by the neck, hits me full on. Why did I do that? That's not like me at all!

"No, no - don't go please. Something.... something isn't right."

Grabbing his hand I walk us to Strider's door and open it. I breath out a sigh of relief that he is safe and asleep in his crib. I still feel very uneasy though.

Looking at Dev I caress his face and whisper, "Please don't go."

[d3v0n_w]

I look from him to Strider asleep then back to him. The love squeezes my heart. "I can't lose you Shox, he can't lose you..."

[_shox_]

The thought of not being with them makes my heart ache. Watching over them as my dad did me... with no contact... I couldn't - wouldn't do that.

"Who knows if I will be in any more danger than I am with crazed fans. Let's just look into this ok? I can't loose you," I look over at our son, "or him."

[d3v0n_w]

I look up at him and can see the wheels turning in his mind as they are in my own. I'm sure they aren't thinking the same things but he is thinking, at least that's something. He wasn't thinking at all before.

I sigh and slip my arms around him and lean into him turning my head back to look at Strider sound asleep and oblivious. "I don't want to look into it and I don't want to lose either of you but I also don't like arguing with you or being angry at you."

[_shox_]

His words hurt so much. He wants me to turn my back on something I want, something that would get me close to my parents again - to just do as he says. I was so weak with Craig, I did what he wanted, gave up things I wanted to make him happy... I can't go back to that.

"Then give this to me Dev. Don't ask me to say no to them without looking into it more."

[d3v0n_w]

"This isn't something to be given Shox." I pull away from him and move to the side of the crib. I look down at Strider sleeping peacefully and yearn that I could do the same. "You're not getting an okay from me." I glance back to Shox. "You know my feelings on it. I'm not going to be the one responsible. The decision is for you to make."

I loolk back down at our baby boy. "I love you and I married you and said vows that I meant." I reach into the crib and gently brush his dark hair off his face.

[_shox_]

"You want me to just give in to you no matter how I feel? To do what you think is right?"

I want to understand why he feels this way. I DO understand his fear, I have felt it many times. But I also trust him and those around us.

[d3v0n_w]

I cut my eyes up to him that anger stabbing at me again. "I never said you had to give in or do what I want." I pull my hand out of the crib and walk over to stand in front of Shox.

I try to keep my voice low, the anger bitten back. "I said you make the decision for yourself, don't make me responsible. You're not my slave, you can do what you want. I'll go along with you, support you if you want, just don't expect me to like it."