Reflections
It’d been a few days since the attack, and Dan has been home recovering well. I don’t know why I was feeling so overwhelmed that I cracked and he saw it, but I was - and he did. I hate myself more than I ever have in the past. Through everything I did when I was with El this is by far the worst.
Dan is like - a child. Not in his emotions or actions, but with love. He is so innocent. I suppose I was as well once, but it was so long ago. I feel like I’ve spoiled it for him. I DO love him, and he DOES make me incredibly happy, but…
There is that something missing. Maybe Devon was right when he said with El I got a rush. The more I think about it the more I realize he is right. I do NOT want to get to that point with Dan. El and I almost literally killed each other numerous times. And now looking back I think it was all for that thrill of knowing we would die for one another.
Sick really. So many people said we were and we laughed at it. Thought it was funny but we understood, just the two of us, we got it. When Dan told me he wanted me… the way I felt at the moment… I can’t tell if it was just another thrill, a high I never reached with El. Or maybe, as I thought at that moment, it was love, true love. Like the stuff Shox and Dev have - Aaron and Ritchi…well no those two are too much.
Still, riding on my bike with Dan up against me it felt… calm. Safe. Warm and comforting. He says I make him happier than he has ever been in his life! That makes me so unbelievably happy! So why does my heart ache still for El?
Sometimes I think it’s because I fought so hard and fiercely for him. I killed for him. I threw myself into everything for him, everything was always for him. My very existence was for him. And now that I can live for me… what the hell do I do? How do I act?
Who is the Rhys Dan is in love with? Who is the Dan I love? He is so different toward me now. I am so used to us being so snarky and one upping each other… but there is a strong connection there, I am so drawn to him.
That connection was there with me and El though; long before he knew what he was. It’s like El is heroine and I’m an addict. I know I am better off without, but I crave it so much. It’s hard to imagine life without it, hard to imagine moment to moment without it - him.
When Dan was attacked I was swept up into that role of protector and revenge. Proving to the world that Dan is mine and NO ONE will hurt him! But that was only momentary. Anderson is handling the investigation and leaving me out of the loop. The whole punishment thing with Edward is… Dan has still to finalize it.
I want that bastard’s feathers plucked from his one by one! His whole family! If it weren’t for Orli being a fucking vampire I’d prefer the whole race of them destroyed! So much pain they have caused. Maybe I should have been one, look at the pain I’ve caused.
I miss El. It hurts knowing that he is with Murphy laughing and… well… my first instinct is to fight. El is mine - but he isn’t. I left him. My Pet. The thought of never .. oh Pet. What have I done? Maybe it’s for the best. We did bring out the worst in each other. That “rush” Devon talked about. That’s not the mature way to love, is it?
So many times my love for El was compared to obsession and maybe it was, still is? Maybe I always want what I can’t have. Maybe I’m just a complete and utter fuck up. It’s obvious El is moving on and I need to just let go. I’m barely hanging on as it is.
I shouldn’t have kept the ring when I found it at the cliffs. The knowledge that he threw it in the water… he’s let me go. Do I want to be back with him? I don’t even know the answer to that. I have a chance for a real relationship here with Dan, I know that. We have both been through so much and learned so much with our relationships with El and Cillian.
I still feel very protective of El, that much I do know for certain. If I could kick my own ass I would for hurting him. Maybe that’s it as well. I don’t deserve Dan. Certainly don’t deserve his love. Last night after talking to Dan I felt like handing myself over to Lucifer. I wanted to destroy and make everything as black as I felt inside.
Today… today I want to concentrate on Dan. Dan and me. He doesn’t seem to really miss Cillian. I’m sure he does, but his heart doesn’t seem to have any regret or remorse. That’s what I want. But there are times when Dan will look at me, or something he says… he looks so much like El… it breaks my heart and I start to wonder if maybe…
But it would appear it’s all just a moot point now. El has moved on. And I do love Dan. Maybe it’s time for me to discover something better than that “rush”.
Dan is like - a child. Not in his emotions or actions, but with love. He is so innocent. I suppose I was as well once, but it was so long ago. I feel like I’ve spoiled it for him. I DO love him, and he DOES make me incredibly happy, but…
There is that something missing. Maybe Devon was right when he said with El I got a rush. The more I think about it the more I realize he is right. I do NOT want to get to that point with Dan. El and I almost literally killed each other numerous times. And now looking back I think it was all for that thrill of knowing we would die for one another.
Sick really. So many people said we were and we laughed at it. Thought it was funny but we understood, just the two of us, we got it. When Dan told me he wanted me… the way I felt at the moment… I can’t tell if it was just another thrill, a high I never reached with El. Or maybe, as I thought at that moment, it was love, true love. Like the stuff Shox and Dev have - Aaron and Ritchi…well no those two are too much.
Still, riding on my bike with Dan up against me it felt… calm. Safe. Warm and comforting. He says I make him happier than he has ever been in his life! That makes me so unbelievably happy! So why does my heart ache still for El?
Sometimes I think it’s because I fought so hard and fiercely for him. I killed for him. I threw myself into everything for him, everything was always for him. My very existence was for him. And now that I can live for me… what the hell do I do? How do I act?
Who is the Rhys Dan is in love with? Who is the Dan I love? He is so different toward me now. I am so used to us being so snarky and one upping each other… but there is a strong connection there, I am so drawn to him.
That connection was there with me and El though; long before he knew what he was. It’s like El is heroine and I’m an addict. I know I am better off without, but I crave it so much. It’s hard to imagine life without it, hard to imagine moment to moment without it - him.
When Dan was attacked I was swept up into that role of protector and revenge. Proving to the world that Dan is mine and NO ONE will hurt him! But that was only momentary. Anderson is handling the investigation and leaving me out of the loop. The whole punishment thing with Edward is… Dan has still to finalize it.
I want that bastard’s feathers plucked from his one by one! His whole family! If it weren’t for Orli being a fucking vampire I’d prefer the whole race of them destroyed! So much pain they have caused. Maybe I should have been one, look at the pain I’ve caused.
I miss El. It hurts knowing that he is with Murphy laughing and… well… my first instinct is to fight. El is mine - but he isn’t. I left him. My Pet. The thought of never .. oh Pet. What have I done? Maybe it’s for the best. We did bring out the worst in each other. That “rush” Devon talked about. That’s not the mature way to love, is it?
So many times my love for El was compared to obsession and maybe it was, still is? Maybe I always want what I can’t have. Maybe I’m just a complete and utter fuck up. It’s obvious El is moving on and I need to just let go. I’m barely hanging on as it is.
I shouldn’t have kept the ring when I found it at the cliffs. The knowledge that he threw it in the water… he’s let me go. Do I want to be back with him? I don’t even know the answer to that. I have a chance for a real relationship here with Dan, I know that. We have both been through so much and learned so much with our relationships with El and Cillian.
I still feel very protective of El, that much I do know for certain. If I could kick my own ass I would for hurting him. Maybe that’s it as well. I don’t deserve Dan. Certainly don’t deserve his love. Last night after talking to Dan I felt like handing myself over to Lucifer. I wanted to destroy and make everything as black as I felt inside.
Today… today I want to concentrate on Dan. Dan and me. He doesn’t seem to really miss Cillian. I’m sure he does, but his heart doesn’t seem to have any regret or remorse. That’s what I want. But there are times when Dan will look at me, or something he says… he looks so much like El… it breaks my heart and I start to wonder if maybe…
But it would appear it’s all just a moot point now. El has moved on. And I do love Dan. Maybe it’s time for me to discover something better than that “rush”.