(no subject)
I don't feel like me anymore.
I feel like I have abandoned myself. My virtues, My values.
It's quite obvious that someone is depressed here. but it's not just who i am. It's what i am. Ever since I've attended RWU (roger williams university) I have felt down, or intimidated... by whom... none other than my peers.
It's like every step I take to get forward, I fall behind. And there's nothing I can do to save myself except give up, but is that really saving myself?
This summer I was hoping would be a blast, but now it's a blast of attacks on me. I can't do it all. And as I have found out, I failed one of the courses I was hoping I could do without whilst starting my thesis. It looks like I'm going to be fucked no matter what I aim to do. And last semester, I still have two courses which are incomplete, and I cannot get to them till after my summer studio is completed. (mid aug). So that leaves me two weeks to do a whole semester's worth of work. FML.
And this current studio, I feel like the same thing that kept me behind in my last one is reoccurring...
The professor says do this, no change it, no change it again! And, my mind is hurting. I can't keep changing it. It's like I'm stuck in a looptyloop.
I get stuck, and I pause, and pausing sometimes turns to tears, or more procrastination or a combination of the two.
I don't understand why everything has changed. Nothing is like it used to be.
I used to do really well over the summer sessions, and now I feel like I'm slacking or unable to keep up.
And if I can't keep up with myself, or my friends... how am I supposed to keep up with myself?
I cannot.
I've disregarded everything that matters most to me in life for this. For my major in architecture.
What am I supposed 2 do?
I suck at those things now. I can't just be like ohh I used to do this and this and this so well! Well what about now? There is no now. Everything just is.
Things I used to love or be proud of myself for doing:
fencing, crocheting (spelling?), frisbee, other sports, mountain climbing, swimming, volleyball, piano playing, violin playing, among other instruments. I used to walk uber fast, now I'm very slow. I used to be avg weight, now I'm way over.
I used to like planting.. now I just buy potted plants. I can't do all the things I used to enjoy anymore. It's like when I try to do it again, I feel like I've failed.
I guess what I am getting at is that I give up, and architecture is the only thing I've held onto ... and I'm starting to second guess myself. I don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't know if I am strong enough to fulfill my endeavors.
I feel like I have abandoned myself. My virtues, My values.
It's quite obvious that someone is depressed here. but it's not just who i am. It's what i am. Ever since I've attended RWU (roger williams university) I have felt down, or intimidated... by whom... none other than my peers.
It's like every step I take to get forward, I fall behind. And there's nothing I can do to save myself except give up, but is that really saving myself?
This summer I was hoping would be a blast, but now it's a blast of attacks on me. I can't do it all. And as I have found out, I failed one of the courses I was hoping I could do without whilst starting my thesis. It looks like I'm going to be fucked no matter what I aim to do. And last semester, I still have two courses which are incomplete, and I cannot get to them till after my summer studio is completed. (mid aug). So that leaves me two weeks to do a whole semester's worth of work. FML.
And this current studio, I feel like the same thing that kept me behind in my last one is reoccurring...
The professor says do this, no change it, no change it again! And, my mind is hurting. I can't keep changing it. It's like I'm stuck in a looptyloop.
I get stuck, and I pause, and pausing sometimes turns to tears, or more procrastination or a combination of the two.
I don't understand why everything has changed. Nothing is like it used to be.
I used to do really well over the summer sessions, and now I feel like I'm slacking or unable to keep up.
And if I can't keep up with myself, or my friends... how am I supposed to keep up with myself?
I cannot.
I've disregarded everything that matters most to me in life for this. For my major in architecture.
What am I supposed 2 do?
I suck at those things now. I can't just be like ohh I used to do this and this and this so well! Well what about now? There is no now. Everything just is.
Things I used to love or be proud of myself for doing:
fencing, crocheting (spelling?), frisbee, other sports, mountain climbing, swimming, volleyball, piano playing, violin playing, among other instruments. I used to walk uber fast, now I'm very slow. I used to be avg weight, now I'm way over.
I used to like planting.. now I just buy potted plants. I can't do all the things I used to enjoy anymore. It's like when I try to do it again, I feel like I've failed.
I guess what I am getting at is that I give up, and architecture is the only thing I've held onto ... and I'm starting to second guess myself. I don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't know if I am strong enough to fulfill my endeavors.