(no subject)
Edit: It did not occur to me until after I had written this just how much this says that was unknown. Intersting...but I think I am ok with that.
Ok seriously what the hell is wrong with me...
I'm fucking loopy, or something...christ I don't even know. Why does certain shit just HIT me? Like a goddamn dump truck. I don't know why, and I'm not about to specify what in a journal that, though anyone can read it I know no one (well few) will. Yes I...I'd say might but lets face it at least one person reading this I'd open the most ridiculous depths of my secrets/soul/person (whichever word is most appropriate and least fruity) to... I am not positive what I am to them... I know, however, who they are to me.
And yes...there are things that no one knows/remembers... I am fully aware of particular events that have made me who I am, and there are some I have thought of more than I know, but never spoken to anyone, and some I don't even think of until they come to mind at random...
Nonetheless, that is not the point of this rambling.
I do not know what it is that is happening with me. It seems deep-rooted...the why is my question. I find my problems...I fight them, or I accept them, depending what they are. And I recognize this problem...but I do not know why it is there, and so it cannot be dealt with.
Certain things strike me, deep. I do not know why. I will watch/read/hear/whatever something, and it will decimate me...
It is almost as if there is something I do not remember causing it. There are other similar things like this, but this is the most clear and impacting.
I write this, as it just struck me...again, I do not wish to specify what caused it, though I know the specific material. I can fight it when it hits, the outward expressions at least...I almost always do. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just flat out gave in, and when I try...I can't.
...And that scares me almost as much as the rest.
And I think I know how I could, I think I know where I could let my guard down. Why I even developed a guard? Not sure, somewhere along the way it happened. I know why it persists, with most people. And I know why it would be down in that one spot, the only spot where, at least now, I want myself completely unveiled...
Strange, I wrote "want" instead of "will let" without even thinking about it.
Ok seriously what the hell is wrong with me...
I'm fucking loopy, or something...christ I don't even know. Why does certain shit just HIT me? Like a goddamn dump truck. I don't know why, and I'm not about to specify what in a journal that, though anyone can read it I know no one (well few) will. Yes I...I'd say might but lets face it at least one person reading this I'd open the most ridiculous depths of my secrets/soul/person (whichever word is most appropriate and least fruity) to... I am not positive what I am to them... I know, however, who they are to me.
And yes...there are things that no one knows/remembers... I am fully aware of particular events that have made me who I am, and there are some I have thought of more than I know, but never spoken to anyone, and some I don't even think of until they come to mind at random...
Nonetheless, that is not the point of this rambling.
I do not know what it is that is happening with me. It seems deep-rooted...the why is my question. I find my problems...I fight them, or I accept them, depending what they are. And I recognize this problem...but I do not know why it is there, and so it cannot be dealt with.
Certain things strike me, deep. I do not know why. I will watch/read/hear/whatever something, and it will decimate me...
It is almost as if there is something I do not remember causing it. There are other similar things like this, but this is the most clear and impacting.
I write this, as it just struck me...again, I do not wish to specify what caused it, though I know the specific material. I can fight it when it hits, the outward expressions at least...I almost always do. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just flat out gave in, and when I try...I can't.
...And that scares me almost as much as the rest.
And I think I know how I could, I think I know where I could let my guard down. Why I even developed a guard? Not sure, somewhere along the way it happened. I know why it persists, with most people. And I know why it would be down in that one spot, the only spot where, at least now, I want myself completely unveiled...
Strange, I wrote "want" instead of "will let" without even thinking about it.