If Wishes Were Heroes - Superman
Title: If Wishes Were Heroes - Superman
Pairing: None
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters
Note: Intro and ending written with darklingdawns. Her Batman-inspired story is here
“Xander! Would you quit playing around with that comic?” Anya demanded. “I need help with inventory, and it doesn't look good for potential customers to see someone loafing around here!”
“One second, An,” he told her, but this time she didn't buy his stall.
“Now, Xander- or you'll have to wait a very, very long time for your next orgasm from me!”
He sighed and turned around to lay the Superman vs Batman book that he'd been reading down on the shelf behind him. “Superman wouldn't have to put up with this,” he grumbled, then got up to go help his girlfriend.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Something seemed wrong. He'd felt it ever since he'd woken up and noticed how weak he was. He did his best to shrug it off, showering and looking through the closet for something to wear. That was when he discovered that his clothes were gone! He did his best to improvise, tucking a clean bath towel inside his shirt and safety pinning it to keep it in place, but it just didn't feel right. Determined to foil the evil plot that he'd been caught up in, he strode out of the room, only to stop dead in shock when he stepped outside.
This wasn't his city! Where were the towers of steel and glass? Where were the broad streets and people rushing to and fro? Where was The Daily Planet? He didn't know where he was, but he knew who to blame for this. It was all Luthor's doing- it had to be. He was on his way to see if he could figure out how to find his arch-enemy when a young girl with red hair came running up to him. “Xander, honestly, what's with you today? I've been calling you for almost a whole block!” He stared at her and she grinned and said, “Come on, let's go see what's going on at the Magic Box.” Deciding that she might be able to tell him where he was, he followed her.
He didn't learn much that day, but one of the young women kept him busy moving boxes. She called it inventory, but he had started to think that it was a plot to allow her to see him with his shirt off. The bell rang late in the day and he looked up to see a young girl walk in, a green necklace shining about her throat in the afternoon sun. So this was the reason for his strange weakness! His chest tightened and he sank to the carpet, gasping for air.
She started to approach him, but he held a hand out to ward her off. “Arrrrrgggghhhh!” he gurgled. “Kryptonite!”
“What are you talking about, Xander?” she asked, fixing him with a look that plainly said she thought he was insane.
She took another step towards him and he choked out, “No... don't come... any closer! Must... avoid... kryptonite!”
“Uh. Huh. Xander, knock it off. It's just a jade necklace, not kryptonite.”
He paused mid-gag and gave her a suspicious look, like she might try to shove the necklace down his throat. Cautiously, he asked her, “Was it given to you by a bald man with an evil glint in his eye?”
“Noooo. It was given to me by a Claire's salesclerk for $7.99.”
He paused to take the information in, then tried again. “Well, were there weird glowing crystals in the store?”
“No, not unless you're counting the cheap trash that Clarie's calls emeralds.”
When he continued to regard her with open suspicion, she sighed and took the necklace off and shoved it into his hand. “Here, see for yourself.”
The instant it touched his hand he screamed out in pain. “Noooooo!”
After a few seconds, he realized that he wasn't in searing agony. Opening his hand, he looked at the necklace, then gave her a sheepish smile and got to his feet.
She sighed. “Like I don't have enough to deal with since my English teacher went nuclear on us and assigned us-”
A wave of his hand cut her off as he pulled her away from the bag she pointed to. “Stand back! I'll handle this.”
“Xander, what the heck are you doing?” she demanded, trying to push past his outstretched arm.
He stared very intensely at the backpack for well over two minutes before he finally shook his head and proclaimed, “It's lead.”
“Xander, it's a backpack.”
“It must be lined in lead,” he persisted, ignoring her. “The one thing my X-ray vision can't penetrate.”
“It's. A. Backpack,” she repeated, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at him.
“There must be something lead in it.”
“There's no lead in my backpack!”
“Lead is the only thing I can't see through,” he started to explain again when she snorted and pushed past him.
“Oh, for God's sakes!” She picked up the backpack and swung it into his stomach, then stalked away as he doubled over, gasping for air.
“Definitely... lead,” he grunted before toppling forward with a thud.
He didn't wake up for over an hour, and when he did, it was to see several other girls gathered around staring at him. “Xander, are you okay?” the redhead asked.
Deciding that the mistaken identity had gone on long enough, he opened his mouth to inform her that he was, in fact, Kal-El, only son of a civilization long since vanished, when a voice screeched, “Willow!”
The pretty blonde from earlier that day stomped over to them and folded her arms, tapping her foot and glaring at all of them. “Okay, who used the Deltronian Wishing Ball? Those things aren't cheap, you know. It wasn't easy to convince Giles that we should stock them, especially since he won't pay for a special display case. And now it's ruined, so whoever did it, I hope you're willing to pay for it!”
“Anya, that's kind of low on the priority list,” the redhead explained. “We're having some problems with Xander at the moment.”
“Xander?” The blonde's voice went up an octave. “What's wrong with him?”
“He's acting like he's possessed by Superman,” the younger girl snapped.
She stared at them for a second, then hurried off. He was about to haul himself to his feet and leave when he heard her call out, “Xander!”
He turned to look and saw the blonde holding a black globe in her hand. She threw it down to the floor and it shattered. In that instant, reality came crashing down on his head and he wanted to die. He wondered if it was too late to hang himself with his safety pinned cape.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Thankfully, his friends hadn't lingered too long, so Xander was able to come out of his hiding spot after a few hours. Anya seemed oddly aware of his humiliation, and she didn't mention it once while he helped her clean up and close the shop. They locked up and headed home, but partway there, she stopped and reached out to take his hand, forcing him to turn and look at her before she spoke.
“Do you know how you can tell I love you?” she asked. He shook his head and she smiled. “Because I destroyed a very valuable piece of merchandise so you'd be back to your normal self. Deltronian Wishing Balls are in high demand, you know.”
“No, I didn't.” He wrapped an arm around her and kissed her on the top of her head, smiling as she slipped her arm around his waist and snuggled close to him.
“Of course, you realize that you're going to have to help with inventory for the next several months to make up for it,” she informed him. “And I expect a lot of orgasms as a way of saying thank you.”
Xander chuckled softly, realizing that things really were getting back to normal. “Of course, An,” he agreed, bending to kiss her. “How about we go get started on my first payment?”
Pairing: None
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters
Note: Intro and ending written with darklingdawns. Her Batman-inspired story is here
“Xander! Would you quit playing around with that comic?” Anya demanded. “I need help with inventory, and it doesn't look good for potential customers to see someone loafing around here!”
“One second, An,” he told her, but this time she didn't buy his stall.
“Now, Xander- or you'll have to wait a very, very long time for your next orgasm from me!”
He sighed and turned around to lay the Superman vs Batman book that he'd been reading down on the shelf behind him. “Superman wouldn't have to put up with this,” he grumbled, then got up to go help his girlfriend.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Something seemed wrong. He'd felt it ever since he'd woken up and noticed how weak he was. He did his best to shrug it off, showering and looking through the closet for something to wear. That was when he discovered that his clothes were gone! He did his best to improvise, tucking a clean bath towel inside his shirt and safety pinning it to keep it in place, but it just didn't feel right. Determined to foil the evil plot that he'd been caught up in, he strode out of the room, only to stop dead in shock when he stepped outside.
This wasn't his city! Where were the towers of steel and glass? Where were the broad streets and people rushing to and fro? Where was The Daily Planet? He didn't know where he was, but he knew who to blame for this. It was all Luthor's doing- it had to be. He was on his way to see if he could figure out how to find his arch-enemy when a young girl with red hair came running up to him. “Xander, honestly, what's with you today? I've been calling you for almost a whole block!” He stared at her and she grinned and said, “Come on, let's go see what's going on at the Magic Box.” Deciding that she might be able to tell him where he was, he followed her.
He didn't learn much that day, but one of the young women kept him busy moving boxes. She called it inventory, but he had started to think that it was a plot to allow her to see him with his shirt off. The bell rang late in the day and he looked up to see a young girl walk in, a green necklace shining about her throat in the afternoon sun. So this was the reason for his strange weakness! His chest tightened and he sank to the carpet, gasping for air.
She started to approach him, but he held a hand out to ward her off. “Arrrrrgggghhhh!” he gurgled. “Kryptonite!”
“What are you talking about, Xander?” she asked, fixing him with a look that plainly said she thought he was insane.
She took another step towards him and he choked out, “No... don't come... any closer! Must... avoid... kryptonite!”
“Uh. Huh. Xander, knock it off. It's just a jade necklace, not kryptonite.”
He paused mid-gag and gave her a suspicious look, like she might try to shove the necklace down his throat. Cautiously, he asked her, “Was it given to you by a bald man with an evil glint in his eye?”
“Noooo. It was given to me by a Claire's salesclerk for $7.99.”
He paused to take the information in, then tried again. “Well, were there weird glowing crystals in the store?”
“No, not unless you're counting the cheap trash that Clarie's calls emeralds.”
When he continued to regard her with open suspicion, she sighed and took the necklace off and shoved it into his hand. “Here, see for yourself.”
The instant it touched his hand he screamed out in pain. “Noooooo!”
After a few seconds, he realized that he wasn't in searing agony. Opening his hand, he looked at the necklace, then gave her a sheepish smile and got to his feet.
She sighed. “Like I don't have enough to deal with since my English teacher went nuclear on us and assigned us-”
A wave of his hand cut her off as he pulled her away from the bag she pointed to. “Stand back! I'll handle this.”
“Xander, what the heck are you doing?” she demanded, trying to push past his outstretched arm.
He stared very intensely at the backpack for well over two minutes before he finally shook his head and proclaimed, “It's lead.”
“Xander, it's a backpack.”
“It must be lined in lead,” he persisted, ignoring her. “The one thing my X-ray vision can't penetrate.”
“It's. A. Backpack,” she repeated, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at him.
“There must be something lead in it.”
“There's no lead in my backpack!”
“Lead is the only thing I can't see through,” he started to explain again when she snorted and pushed past him.
“Oh, for God's sakes!” She picked up the backpack and swung it into his stomach, then stalked away as he doubled over, gasping for air.
“Definitely... lead,” he grunted before toppling forward with a thud.
He didn't wake up for over an hour, and when he did, it was to see several other girls gathered around staring at him. “Xander, are you okay?” the redhead asked.
Deciding that the mistaken identity had gone on long enough, he opened his mouth to inform her that he was, in fact, Kal-El, only son of a civilization long since vanished, when a voice screeched, “Willow!”
The pretty blonde from earlier that day stomped over to them and folded her arms, tapping her foot and glaring at all of them. “Okay, who used the Deltronian Wishing Ball? Those things aren't cheap, you know. It wasn't easy to convince Giles that we should stock them, especially since he won't pay for a special display case. And now it's ruined, so whoever did it, I hope you're willing to pay for it!”
“Anya, that's kind of low on the priority list,” the redhead explained. “We're having some problems with Xander at the moment.”
“Xander?” The blonde's voice went up an octave. “What's wrong with him?”
“He's acting like he's possessed by Superman,” the younger girl snapped.
She stared at them for a second, then hurried off. He was about to haul himself to his feet and leave when he heard her call out, “Xander!”
He turned to look and saw the blonde holding a black globe in her hand. She threw it down to the floor and it shattered. In that instant, reality came crashing down on his head and he wanted to die. He wondered if it was too late to hang himself with his safety pinned cape.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Thankfully, his friends hadn't lingered too long, so Xander was able to come out of his hiding spot after a few hours. Anya seemed oddly aware of his humiliation, and she didn't mention it once while he helped her clean up and close the shop. They locked up and headed home, but partway there, she stopped and reached out to take his hand, forcing him to turn and look at her before she spoke.
“Do you know how you can tell I love you?” she asked. He shook his head and she smiled. “Because I destroyed a very valuable piece of merchandise so you'd be back to your normal self. Deltronian Wishing Balls are in high demand, you know.”
“No, I didn't.” He wrapped an arm around her and kissed her on the top of her head, smiling as she slipped her arm around his waist and snuggled close to him.
“Of course, you realize that you're going to have to help with inventory for the next several months to make up for it,” she informed him. “And I expect a lot of orgasms as a way of saying thank you.”
Xander chuckled softly, realizing that things really were getting back to normal. “Of course, An,” he agreed, bending to kiss her. “How about we go get started on my first payment?”