10 minute play
The Thought Is Not A Crime
{Setting- Brandon and Phil’s Apartment. Phil is present.}
(Brandon enters)
Phil
Bitch.
Brandon
Whore. So when did you get up?
Phil
Crack o’ noon.
Brandon
Damn you’re inspiring.
Phil
Like fucking Patton. Besides, you shouldn’t be throwing stones mister. You can’t even find your own apartment lately.
Brandon
I could find it if I wanted to. Why would I want to see your slobbish ass when I’ve got greener pastures elsewhere?
Phil
Grazing the pasture again last night were we?
Brandon
Yep.
Phil
Get any?
Brandon
Of course not. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
Phil
Sucks to be you.
Brandon
Yeah, but what are ya gonna do?
Phil
I’m going to continue doing nothing.
Brandon
The few, the proud, the lazy.
Phil
I prefer slacker. It sounds cooler.
Brandon
Yeah, that’ll do it.
Phil
That’s why I get the chicks.
Brandon
Yeah, you fucking wish.
Phil
Yes, yes I do.
(Brandon’s phone rings)
Brandon
(On the phone) Hello? Just got back from class. Come over in a bit. Ok, see you later. (Hangs up.) Fucking Christ.
Phil
Telemarketer?
Brandon
No, worse, Paul. He kept calling while I was in class. He keeps needing me to find him something to do.
Phil
Well, if he ever got off his ass he’d find something himself.
Brandon
Yeah, you’re one to talk.
Phil
Hey, I move occasionally.
Brandon
Children. Anyway, I’m gonna go grab some food.
Phil
I’ll be here if you need me.
Brandon
Yeah, that’ll happen.
(Brandon exits. A brief time passes. Erin enters.)
Phil
Hey Erin, what’s up?
Erin
Aren’t we going to the show?
Phil
It was a rhetorical question.
Erin
Oh. Is Brandon around?
Phil
He’ll be back. He’s just getting a burger or something.
Erin
Oh.
Phil:
So… How’ve you been?
Erin
I lost two more pounds… But I’m even further in debt.
Phil
At least you’re not lonely at home.
Erin
I guess.
Phil
So that’s, what, the fifth time in two weeks?
Erin
Something like that. He’s been over a lot hasn’t he?
Phil
What does Ben think about it?
Erin
I don’t know.
Phil
Cause you haven’t told him?
Erin
Something like that.
Phil
You know this’ll end badly.
Erin
I hope not.
Phil
Spineless as they may be, they won’t put up with being strung along forever.
Erin
I’m not doing that am I?
Phil
You’re going to have to choose.
Erin
I don’t know if I can do that.
Phil
If you can’t make up your mind, you have to stop letting them spend the night.
Erin
It’s not like I’m sleeping with them.
Phil
It doesn’t matter. Until you can pick between the two, it only makes things worse.
Erin
I know, and I feel bad about it. But I really don’t know how to choose. I mean, Brandon’s smart and funny and sweet, but I really like Ben. They both have a lot of positives… I just don’t know about the negatives.
Phil
Like what?
Erin
Well sometimes I think Brandon is judging me. I’m afraid to say anything stupid because I don’t want him to be disappointed in me. And Ben isn’t that bright and he smokes too much weed.
Phil
And you’re complaining about that to me?
Erin
That’s different. I don’t care if you get high.
Phil
Then why do you care if he does?
Erin
If he did it every now and then I wouldn’t care but he does it way too much.
Phil
You’re going to have to choose eventually. Better sooner than later.
Erin
I suppose.
(Paul enters.)
Phil
Hey Paul, how’s it going?
Paul
Alright. (To Erin) What are you doing here?
Erin
Nice to see you too, dick.
Paul
It’s a legitimate question.
Erin
I’m coming along.
Paul
(To Phil) Did you invite her?
Erin
Who invited you?
Phil
I don’t seem to recall this being an exclusive thing.
Paul
Lighten up woman. It’s not like I called you fat or anything.
Erin
That’s mean.
Paul
Oh come on now. You’re not fat anymore.
Phil
Hey now.
Erin
You’re pretty tubby there yourself, dickhead.
Paul
I said you weren’t fat. I was being nice. You’re the one that insulted me.
Phil
That’s enough.
Paul
Why?
Erin
Because I’ll kick your ass.
Paul
You try and I’ll slap the shit out of you.
Erin
Fine, I’ll get someone else to do it.
Paul
Who? Phil can’t help you and Brandon won’t fight me. You gonna get that Ben guy to take a swing at me?
Phil
Knock it off!
Erin
Maybe I will.
Paul
He’d get his ass kicked and he knows it. You’ll have to fuck him good and hard to agree to that beating.
(Brandon enters)
Brandon
Hi Erin.
Paul
(To Brandon) What does you’re not fat anymore mean to you?
Erin
Fuck you!
(Erin exits)
Brandon
What was that?
(Brandon exits)
Phil
Smooth.
Paul
Big deal. The bitch had it coming.
Phil
I’m sure Brandon will understand that.
Paul
Like I care about his limp-dick opinion. The man needs to grow a set of balls. It’s two chicks and one guy, it doesn’t work the other way around.
Phil
Did you have to do it now? Couldn’t you have waited a few hours before ruining the evening? Socially awkward isn’t the way I wanted to spend the whole night.
(Brandon enters)
Brandon
What the fuck was that all about?
Paul
I wasn’t going to spend any more time with that crazy broad than I had to. We’re better off without her.
Brandon
Get the fuck out of here before I hit you.
Paul
Fine, be a little bitch.
(Paul exits)
Phil
What happened?
Brandon
She said that Paul is going to have to watch his back and then drove off. What the hell did he say to her?
Phil
She thought he called her fat.
Brandon
What did he say?
Phil
He said she wasn’t fat anymore.
Brandon
What an ass. What’s his problem?
Phil
Poor impulse control.
Brandon
Now what the fuck am I going to do?
Phil
Find a hoochie to pine after.
Brandon
Yeah, cause my luck with women is so stellar.
Phil
Sometimes you need pass on rock and go with scissors.
Brandon
But rock smash.
Phil
Yes, rock does indeed smash, but I’ve found that sex requires more of a stabbing motion than a smashing motion.
Brandon
Fuck! Just fuck! What the hell am I gonna do now?
Phil
Come on rock, let’s go to the bar and drink until we can’t feel feelings anymore.
Brandon
Yeah… why not?
(Brandon and Phil exit)
The End
{Setting- Brandon and Phil’s Apartment. Phil is present.}
(Brandon enters)
Phil
Bitch.
Brandon
Whore. So when did you get up?
Phil
Crack o’ noon.
Brandon
Damn you’re inspiring.
Phil
Like fucking Patton. Besides, you shouldn’t be throwing stones mister. You can’t even find your own apartment lately.
Brandon
I could find it if I wanted to. Why would I want to see your slobbish ass when I’ve got greener pastures elsewhere?
Phil
Grazing the pasture again last night were we?
Brandon
Yep.
Phil
Get any?
Brandon
Of course not. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
Phil
Sucks to be you.
Brandon
Yeah, but what are ya gonna do?
Phil
I’m going to continue doing nothing.
Brandon
The few, the proud, the lazy.
Phil
I prefer slacker. It sounds cooler.
Brandon
Yeah, that’ll do it.
Phil
That’s why I get the chicks.
Brandon
Yeah, you fucking wish.
Phil
Yes, yes I do.
(Brandon’s phone rings)
Brandon
(On the phone) Hello? Just got back from class. Come over in a bit. Ok, see you later. (Hangs up.) Fucking Christ.
Phil
Telemarketer?
Brandon
No, worse, Paul. He kept calling while I was in class. He keeps needing me to find him something to do.
Phil
Well, if he ever got off his ass he’d find something himself.
Brandon
Yeah, you’re one to talk.
Phil
Hey, I move occasionally.
Brandon
Children. Anyway, I’m gonna go grab some food.
Phil
I’ll be here if you need me.
Brandon
Yeah, that’ll happen.
(Brandon exits. A brief time passes. Erin enters.)
Phil
Hey Erin, what’s up?
Erin
Aren’t we going to the show?
Phil
It was a rhetorical question.
Erin
Oh. Is Brandon around?
Phil
He’ll be back. He’s just getting a burger or something.
Erin
Oh.
Phil:
So… How’ve you been?
Erin
I lost two more pounds… But I’m even further in debt.
Phil
At least you’re not lonely at home.
Erin
I guess.
Phil
So that’s, what, the fifth time in two weeks?
Erin
Something like that. He’s been over a lot hasn’t he?
Phil
What does Ben think about it?
Erin
I don’t know.
Phil
Cause you haven’t told him?
Erin
Something like that.
Phil
You know this’ll end badly.
Erin
I hope not.
Phil
Spineless as they may be, they won’t put up with being strung along forever.
Erin
I’m not doing that am I?
Phil
You’re going to have to choose.
Erin
I don’t know if I can do that.
Phil
If you can’t make up your mind, you have to stop letting them spend the night.
Erin
It’s not like I’m sleeping with them.
Phil
It doesn’t matter. Until you can pick between the two, it only makes things worse.
Erin
I know, and I feel bad about it. But I really don’t know how to choose. I mean, Brandon’s smart and funny and sweet, but I really like Ben. They both have a lot of positives… I just don’t know about the negatives.
Phil
Like what?
Erin
Well sometimes I think Brandon is judging me. I’m afraid to say anything stupid because I don’t want him to be disappointed in me. And Ben isn’t that bright and he smokes too much weed.
Phil
And you’re complaining about that to me?
Erin
That’s different. I don’t care if you get high.
Phil
Then why do you care if he does?
Erin
If he did it every now and then I wouldn’t care but he does it way too much.
Phil
You’re going to have to choose eventually. Better sooner than later.
Erin
I suppose.
(Paul enters.)
Phil
Hey Paul, how’s it going?
Paul
Alright. (To Erin) What are you doing here?
Erin
Nice to see you too, dick.
Paul
It’s a legitimate question.
Erin
I’m coming along.
Paul
(To Phil) Did you invite her?
Erin
Who invited you?
Phil
I don’t seem to recall this being an exclusive thing.
Paul
Lighten up woman. It’s not like I called you fat or anything.
Erin
That’s mean.
Paul
Oh come on now. You’re not fat anymore.
Phil
Hey now.
Erin
You’re pretty tubby there yourself, dickhead.
Paul
I said you weren’t fat. I was being nice. You’re the one that insulted me.
Phil
That’s enough.
Paul
Why?
Erin
Because I’ll kick your ass.
Paul
You try and I’ll slap the shit out of you.
Erin
Fine, I’ll get someone else to do it.
Paul
Who? Phil can’t help you and Brandon won’t fight me. You gonna get that Ben guy to take a swing at me?
Phil
Knock it off!
Erin
Maybe I will.
Paul
He’d get his ass kicked and he knows it. You’ll have to fuck him good and hard to agree to that beating.
(Brandon enters)
Brandon
Hi Erin.
Paul
(To Brandon) What does you’re not fat anymore mean to you?
Erin
Fuck you!
(Erin exits)
Brandon
What was that?
(Brandon exits)
Phil
Smooth.
Paul
Big deal. The bitch had it coming.
Phil
I’m sure Brandon will understand that.
Paul
Like I care about his limp-dick opinion. The man needs to grow a set of balls. It’s two chicks and one guy, it doesn’t work the other way around.
Phil
Did you have to do it now? Couldn’t you have waited a few hours before ruining the evening? Socially awkward isn’t the way I wanted to spend the whole night.
(Brandon enters)
Brandon
What the fuck was that all about?
Paul
I wasn’t going to spend any more time with that crazy broad than I had to. We’re better off without her.
Brandon
Get the fuck out of here before I hit you.
Paul
Fine, be a little bitch.
(Paul exits)
Phil
What happened?
Brandon
She said that Paul is going to have to watch his back and then drove off. What the hell did he say to her?
Phil
She thought he called her fat.
Brandon
What did he say?
Phil
He said she wasn’t fat anymore.
Brandon
What an ass. What’s his problem?
Phil
Poor impulse control.
Brandon
Now what the fuck am I going to do?
Phil
Find a hoochie to pine after.
Brandon
Yeah, cause my luck with women is so stellar.
Phil
Sometimes you need pass on rock and go with scissors.
Brandon
But rock smash.
Phil
Yes, rock does indeed smash, but I’ve found that sex requires more of a stabbing motion than a smashing motion.
Brandon
Fuck! Just fuck! What the hell am I gonna do now?
Phil
Come on rock, let’s go to the bar and drink until we can’t feel feelings anymore.
Brandon
Yeah… why not?
(Brandon and Phil exit)
The End