Depression paralysis
I occasionally suffer depression-related paralysis. Let me explain: when I am extremely depressed (physiologically, not emotionally, necessarily), I have trouble getting up the energy -- getting up the will -- to do anything. Occasionally, it gets so bad that I can't get myself to exert enough to move any part of my body, and I am functionally paralyzed. Often it doesn't get as bad as full paralysis, allowing me to move one hand to move the mouse as I surf the net with a half-functioning mind. Last night, I spent about an hour lying on the floor, unable to get myself to move more than one hand, which had a hold of my Blackberry. Now, I post what I wrote during that time. I will LJ-cut it because it's potentially depressing -- and kind of dull after a while. But it might be interesting for you folks:
As a person suffering from depression, there is one future technology I can't wait for, though it is not even hinted at in reality, and similar techs are often depicted as evil in sci-fi: the perfect anti-depressant. Specifically, the problem with modern psychiatry is one of diagnosis--the only way psychiatrists have of prescribing meds is to take symptoms and choose one of the many drugs on the market as what is basically a wild guess. Then, only after weeks or months of transitioning onto the medication and getting used to its effects can the patient come close to evaluating if the drug is working. Even then, it's very difficult: I can't work today, my brain is tired. Is that due to meds, diet, exercise (or lack thereof), weather, SAD, or a genuine emotional problem? I don't know! If I only had a perfect drug, I could at least take that out of the potential factors. I want a machine that analyzes my brain and blood, and computes a perfect diagnosis: for this, you need ten milligrams of Happynium and 1 mg of Calmex. Or, better yet, after the scan, the robot pops out a little pill that's specially formulated to match my specific body chemistry. Or nanobots, or an implant that jolts my brain with electricity every ten minutes, or whatever. It’s the diagnosis I want.
I also think it’s important to note that without medication, I wouldn't have survived this long 3as in the not-so-distant past) and thus I'm a lousy addition to the gene pool, and probably shouldn't pollute it with a child who needs medication that won't exist after society collapses due to the environmental crisis.
Notable is the fact that, as I write this, I'm lying on the floor in depressive/anxious shock/near-paralysis. This is a first for me--and an improvement over my usual mental state when this happens to me. However, I still can't get up and write at the keyboard.
When I feel like this, I have an inkling of how quadriplegics feel--an active mind trapped inside a useless body, unable to interact with the world on any meaningful manner; I haven't been able to summon the will to move more than my right hand and turn my head in. About a half-hour.
Depression blog? Depression twitter?
Physical depression 9.5
Mental depression / despair 6
Anxiety 6
Moved my left arm to avoid it falling asleep! Bonus!
What if Polyphemus is the bad guy? Simpler, but less epic and far-reaching.
I can't decide if dating sites are pathetic, overly stigmatized and reasonable in my current social vacuum, or pointless since I live in the middle of nowhere. I did see that on match.com there are no women registered within fifty miles, and only five under 30 in a hundred miles. And should I even be thinking of dating only six months after separating from my wife? She already has a
Boyfriend, but he was the impetus for the split (at least, splitting when we did, not the reason behind the split occurring at all) but I digress...
Neat. I can think well enough to use digress while lying paralyzed on my stomach and tapping this out with one finger.
This is what boring people's blogs are like, isn't it? Oh, gods! I've become boring! Or I always was, accounts vary.
My dad's internet is running at only twice the speed of a 56k modem. It's irritatingly slow, and not nearly fast enough to make my TV reviews really practical (as we have no cable, either)--but as I am currently only contributing to the house by being a pleasing baritone in his community choir, and he doesn't have the money to upgrade even if I complain, I don't really feel like I should say anything.
A lot of these thoughts have been tumbling around my head for days or weeks, but I haven't wanted/been able to express them to anyone.
I could just give up on the "awake" and "beat the depression" thing and just fall asleep on the floor, but as I haven’t taken my meds yet, that's a surefire way to have another of these tomorrow.
How ca, a devoted new ager who spends most of her time on self-improvement have an incredibly rigid personality, not feel safe (in a tiny Alaska town) without carrying a gun, and show no interest in making a difference in the world, or, seemingly, her community, and find no hypocrisy? You'll have to ask my dad's girlfriend. And this is supposed to replace my mom?! Yes, I realize the whole "not my mom" thing colors my judgment, but I don't think my irritation with her is entirely unfounded.
Ow. Cramp. Let's see if I can use my left hand... Success!!
That may have gotten the ball rolling. Let's see if I can sit up
Total elapsed time since first sentence typed 1/2 hr
Total elapsed time since collapsing on floor 1 hour
Total elapsed time since first onset of paralysis in my computer chair: 2 1/2 hr
As a person suffering from depression, there is one future technology I can't wait for, though it is not even hinted at in reality, and similar techs are often depicted as evil in sci-fi: the perfect anti-depressant. Specifically, the problem with modern psychiatry is one of diagnosis--the only way psychiatrists have of prescribing meds is to take symptoms and choose one of the many drugs on the market as what is basically a wild guess. Then, only after weeks or months of transitioning onto the medication and getting used to its effects can the patient come close to evaluating if the drug is working. Even then, it's very difficult: I can't work today, my brain is tired. Is that due to meds, diet, exercise (or lack thereof), weather, SAD, or a genuine emotional problem? I don't know! If I only had a perfect drug, I could at least take that out of the potential factors. I want a machine that analyzes my brain and blood, and computes a perfect diagnosis: for this, you need ten milligrams of Happynium and 1 mg of Calmex. Or, better yet, after the scan, the robot pops out a little pill that's specially formulated to match my specific body chemistry. Or nanobots, or an implant that jolts my brain with electricity every ten minutes, or whatever. It’s the diagnosis I want.
I also think it’s important to note that without medication, I wouldn't have survived this long 3as in the not-so-distant past) and thus I'm a lousy addition to the gene pool, and probably shouldn't pollute it with a child who needs medication that won't exist after society collapses due to the environmental crisis.
Notable is the fact that, as I write this, I'm lying on the floor in depressive/anxious shock/near-paralysis. This is a first for me--and an improvement over my usual mental state when this happens to me. However, I still can't get up and write at the keyboard.
When I feel like this, I have an inkling of how quadriplegics feel--an active mind trapped inside a useless body, unable to interact with the world on any meaningful manner; I haven't been able to summon the will to move more than my right hand and turn my head in. About a half-hour.
Depression blog? Depression twitter?
Physical depression 9.5
Mental depression / despair 6
Anxiety 6
Moved my left arm to avoid it falling asleep! Bonus!
What if Polyphemus is the bad guy? Simpler, but less epic and far-reaching.
I can't decide if dating sites are pathetic, overly stigmatized and reasonable in my current social vacuum, or pointless since I live in the middle of nowhere. I did see that on match.com there are no women registered within fifty miles, and only five under 30 in a hundred miles. And should I even be thinking of dating only six months after separating from my wife? She already has a
Boyfriend, but he was the impetus for the split (at least, splitting when we did, not the reason behind the split occurring at all) but I digress...
Neat. I can think well enough to use digress while lying paralyzed on my stomach and tapping this out with one finger.
This is what boring people's blogs are like, isn't it? Oh, gods! I've become boring! Or I always was, accounts vary.
My dad's internet is running at only twice the speed of a 56k modem. It's irritatingly slow, and not nearly fast enough to make my TV reviews really practical (as we have no cable, either)--but as I am currently only contributing to the house by being a pleasing baritone in his community choir, and he doesn't have the money to upgrade even if I complain, I don't really feel like I should say anything.
A lot of these thoughts have been tumbling around my head for days or weeks, but I haven't wanted/been able to express them to anyone.
I could just give up on the "awake" and "beat the depression" thing and just fall asleep on the floor, but as I haven’t taken my meds yet, that's a surefire way to have another of these tomorrow.
How ca, a devoted new ager who spends most of her time on self-improvement have an incredibly rigid personality, not feel safe (in a tiny Alaska town) without carrying a gun, and show no interest in making a difference in the world, or, seemingly, her community, and find no hypocrisy? You'll have to ask my dad's girlfriend. And this is supposed to replace my mom?! Yes, I realize the whole "not my mom" thing colors my judgment, but I don't think my irritation with her is entirely unfounded.
Ow. Cramp. Let's see if I can use my left hand... Success!!
That may have gotten the ball rolling. Let's see if I can sit up
Total elapsed time since first sentence typed 1/2 hr
Total elapsed time since collapsing on floor 1 hour
Total elapsed time since first onset of paralysis in my computer chair: 2 1/2 hr