Transformers "2"....
Ok, I've seen the movie (ONCE) and when I saw it, I thought it was awesome. But after hearing some very UN-biased reviews from trustworthy sources, and listening to even what other Transformers fans had to say, I have to agree with them. There are also a couple of fan gripes that I want to bring to light as well, and I trust me, I'll get to them.
And believe you me, if you're a Transformers fan and you read this thinking that I hate Transformers; you are sadly mistaken. I fucking LOVE Transformers, ever since I'd been a kid. I'll pick up a vintage Transformer before I even think about buying a solid gold Gundam model. I just want you to know, that this is just coming from one Transformers fan, to hopefully another and that this is seriously how I felt about this movie.
But enough of the babbling,
We're gonna get right into it, and hit it by topics; knocking them down one after another. First off:
STORY: Holy geez, this was ALL OVER THE PLACE. The movie starts off, talking about the Primes (the original 13 transformers) and then talks about how one of the Transformers was exiled because of his rebellious actions and later renamed "The Fallen". However important that is, we completely ignore it until possibly way later into the film. Right now, we see the Autobots working together to bring down a rogue Decepticon, which I must admit is cool to see them working as a squad to hunt down the badguys. Even then, there's a HUGE problem. Even if you look closely, you don't really know what the hell is going on. Sideswipe "Tricee" and Jolt are chasing after a car that looks almost exactly like Sideswipe (apparently Sideways). With so much cuts in the film on that particular part, they had me wondering why they were hunting down an Autobot, or if Sideswipe and this 'Decepticon' had copied the same car for camouflage. Either case, Sideswipe cuts him in half and we then follow Optimus jumping out of an aircraft carrier and then chasing down "Demolisher" (actually Scavenger) and eventually killing him which leads to him uttering his last words about "Beware the Fallen" or something along those lines.
We then cut to Shia Lebouff as he's getting ready to head out to college and all that. We really shouldn't care, because the main thing this movie has gotten wrong, that the cartoons always seem to get right; is that HUMANS PLAY A MINOR ROLE IN THE TRANSFORMERS UNIVERSE. We never really care to see what they're doing. Anyways, we go through the whole "Bee, I'm not taking you to college, I can't be traveling with a robot car all my life" (which is funny, considering that Bumblebee JUST saved his ass less than 5 mins ago) thing, up to the point where "Sam" is in class and after touching the shard of the Allspark; starts going bonkers and starts seeing Cybertronian symbols. So blah, blah, blah, some gov't agent doesn't trust the autobots and sam goes to school (not ONE ugly girl in that school btw.) We go to Bumblebee taking Sam to talk to Optimus, he declines helping the Autobots a 2nd time, saying he wants to get on with his life, anywho this leads to the Decepticons eventually penetrating a secluded government area and obtaining yet another shard of the allspark, which the Constructicons use to revive Megatron.
Hold it. Why can Megatron be revived by the VERY thing that 'killed' him in the last movie? That makes NO SENSE. And while we're at it, where the FUCK is Jazz? Couldn't they have technically revived him too? How come the Decepticons are the only ones with this knowledge? Aren't all the robots here from Cybertron? Keep in mind if you saw the 'beginnings' comic narration by "Bumblebee" you'd know that the Autobots not knowing about what the Allspark is capable of is retarded, because according to that; Optimus and Megatron during times of peace were revered as the two all powerful leaders who were guarding the Allspark in the first fucking place.
Back to the story; Megatron, on being revived, goes straight out from the bottom of the sea, to Cybertron, which looks like a deserted planet after being ravaged by the "Aliens".
:Blows whistle: TIME.OUT.(What the fuck? I believe the Transformers are robots. Not cyborgs of ANY kind. Why are there eggs and pods with these greasy fluids all over the damn place? I thought the ALLSPARK was what gave them life? Consistency man! USE IT!!)
Out of nowhere we're quickly introduced to the Fallen, and apparently, he's been the one pulling the strings from the first movie? Or at the start of this one? Who knows? They don't really tell you anything. Megatron just starts talking to this guy we literally JUST MET. Whatever, getting back into it, The Fallen pulls a Unicron and states to Megatron that only a Prime can defeat him.
(There is a BIG mistake leading to the Prime thing later on, but I'm getting there, just be patient)
Anyway, without knowledge, apparently Decepticons can take on Human forms too.
(WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. Transformers of ANY kind, CANNOT become 'living' organisms. That is THE MOST BASIC RULE. With the exception of Beast Wars, but even then, that's not what we're watching and even then, the animals they transformed into eventually became more mechanically oriented, adding wheels, jets and such.
So this supposed 'pretender' stalks Shia and tries to retrieve the data from him that was making him nuts. Changing from human to robot at will. (Terminator, anybody?) There's even a fucking car chase! Moving on; Sam, Leo (minor character, he's Sam's college roomate) and Mikeala (Fox) get caught, and then brought to Megatron (featuring Starscream!) for interrogation. After a brief moment of gut wrenching Matrix style machine integration, Optimus and Bumblebee come in and crash the party. There's a pretty quick chase scene here, and Optimus brings Shia to a forest where he is 'ambushed' (don't know if you really wanna call it that.) by Blackout, Megatron and Starscream. After the robots share a couple of words, the brawl is on. Optimus shows us WHY he IS the figure you want to get, as well as why he's the leader of the Autobots. So he kills Blackout by ripping his head in half, cuts off Starscream's arm, and carves "You got owned" into Megatrons face (not really, but he may as well" In any case, Optimus is still outnumbered and has to protect Shia, so he is eventually defeated.
(I have to say though, the death came so suddenly... It really held no weight. It was more of a; "Wow it happened. Now what?")
Soon after, the rest of the Autobots come in to retrieve Shia, and for some reason can't beat down two horribly damaged Decepticons, so naturally Starscream (escape artist) and Megatron (death-count 1 btw.) get away. (I'm not too keen on seeing one of my favorite Transformers characters die, but hey, Jazz died in the first movie, so I think I'll live.)
Continuing on; they bring Shia back to the base, and they just toss Optimus' dead body on the base like the-guy-who-generously-gave-his-life-for-a-world-that-wasn't-even-his didn't really matter. So you might think, that now the rest of the Autobots will get more screen time right? Wrong. Soon after they drop Optimus, some Military resistance starts aiming weapons at the Autobots, seeing this they get ready to defend themselves, and rather than cause an uproar, they surrender themselves to confinement.
Suddenly, Megatron and Starscream report back to the Fallen and let him know that Optimus has been defeated. So he decides to make his move. Pulling an Dr. Robotnik from Sonic Adventure 2, the Fallen contacts every civilian on Earth notifying them that they do exist, they are invading, and they want Sam for some reason.
After some more talk with the humans, they discover that they've been labeled as fugitives and are wanted by everyone in the world. So now given information from Wheelie
(who I forgot to mention. Ain't hard since he doesn't play too much of a major role) they head out with Bumblebee, Goldtooth and Busta (Skids and Mudflap; the Twins) to seek out information about the 'Primes' and the Matrix of Leadership (Moving on...>.>).
They run into one of the guys from the last film who lost his job as a secret gov't agent, now working in a seafood corner shop in the city. They talk to him, he gives them some more information, and apparently behind the scenes, he too is actually a big transformers fan. He gives them some pictures which look like the Cybertronian symbols Sam saw, and he shows a couple of pictures of some ancient vehicles, claiming them to be the first transformers...
(Now hold on. An SR-22 Blackbird, I'll take. It's at least some sort of 'advanced' vehicular structure, but one of the first ford steam powered, no horse-carrying automobiles? Bullshit.)
Anyway, they for some reason leave the city where Shia lives, and end up somehow driving in the Egyptian desert where they hit an airfield and after dispatching some guards, make it to an SRR-22 Blackbird. They use the last shard of the Allspark as Wheelie instructs them, and Jetfire comes back to life as... An Old Transformer with a cane...
Not this:
Or this:
Or EVEN this:
(awesome concept btw, has characteristics of the live action version AND the one from Armada)
They chose THIS:
Some crotchety old looking robot body with a FUCKING CANE. (Even Kup though a veteran NEVER sported a cane.)
Moving on, Jetfire tells them about the Primes and where to find the Matrix of Leadership. He says he can take them, so you'd think naturally being a fucking huge-ass military plane, he'd just transform and fly them over there right? Wrong. He's apparently Skywarp now, and teleports them in the general area. (WHAT?!?)
Anyway, they go to the pyramid, and by now Bumblebee finally does what more than half of the audience is thinking, and hits the two stupid Transformers heads together and tosses them outside. Sam uncovers the tomb of the Primes and finds the Matrix of Leadership, which turns to dust before his very eyes. Earlier on, they gave out a call to the human force that was working with the Autobots to bring to Optimus to their location (they actually got there by helicopter if you're wondering) Realizing their plan, the Decipticons are on the move to intercept, and to uncover a device hidden in a pyramid which will (I think it will bring the sun closer) destroy the planet. (Solar Needle Anyone?) Anyway, Starscream locates Sam, the Decepticons make their move and a huge battle ensues out of almost nowhere.
Starscream, Long Haul, Megatron, Rampage (should actually be Bonecrusher, but he died in the last movie remember?) Mixmaster, Ravage and Scorponok as well as a bunch of "Decepticons that are in protoform (which apparently means they all have to look alike) start a small war in the area to prevent Sam from reaching Optimus' body. The other Autobots are there and do absolutely nothing. They become background characters again, while we focus on numerous slowdown until Sam eventually gets hit by a fatal shot from Megatron.
Meanwhile, 'would be' Agent and Leo are stuck with Herp and Derp and are the unlucky suckers to encounter Devastator.
Ok... MAJOR gripe right here. I had NO problem, with the way Devastator was going to look. However, I can't believe, that they actually shortcut how Devastator is supposed to be. Yes, he IS a giant fucking robot, combined of 6 different construction vehicles, but he is NOT his OWN character. The constructicons didn't even combine. They just put all the machines together to form and said; There he is. Also, we need to know what the fuck happened to Scrapper and Hook. Why didn't they throw them in the film? And then when the toy line comes out, everyone's gonna be like... Where the hell were you guys? And what really ticks me off?
That shit looks official to me. NO EXCUSES.
Anyway, Devastator's main purpose isn't to actually destroy shit, like one would hope; He's only there to uncover the "secret weapon" left by the Primes, and then he starts getting owned by Goldtooth and Busta.
(Psh, yeah right Those two are barely taller than 8 feet, IF that.)
Devastator eventually gets owned by a weapon I don't think even the military knew they had, and that's it for him. Jetfire cuts Mixmaster in half, then he gets fatally wounded by Scorponok, who he crushes like roach. Megatron and the Fallen make it to the Solar Needle and prepare to start the device. Meanwhile in robot heaven, Sam meets the Primes and they give him life and a new Matrix of Leadership to restore Optimus. It works, and Optimus revives. He and Sam share some words and then Jetfire, stumbling towards him, can't believe that he gets a chance to see another Prime.
(Alright I have to pause before I wrap up the story. Why is Optimus Prime, given the Matrix of Leadership when he's already a Prime? Having a Matrix, turns you into a Prime. That means the entire time Optimus Prime, should have been called Optronix up until this point. Sigh... Whatever.)
In any case, Optimus and Jetfire Powerlink... Well, not exactly, but Optimus takes Jetfire's parts and ends up doing this fucking badass number where he pretty much renders the rest of the Autobot cast useless (AGAIN). It lasts for no more than probably 5-6 mins and he outright destroys the Fallen and carves "You got owned, AGAIN" into Megatron's face (somehow he's still alive after all that, but he and Starscream retreat as they're the only two Decepticons left.) and then destroys the device (well that actually came just before he fights the Fallen) He then discards the parts and the movie pretty much ends there.
2nd; Music - Eh, I didn't really mind it much. And say what you will about Linkin Park, but I like 'New Divide' really fits the movie.
3rd; Characters - This is another thing that I really wanted to touch bases about. The severity of the lack of this is just not going to cut it. We were promised so many robots, and only got a few. I heard 40+ and one point that was even brought up to a 60+ robots scheduled for the film. So who did we get?
Optimus Prime
Bumblebee
Ratchet
Ironhide
Arcee
Chromia
Elita One (officially a different character, she's the orange bike)
Sideswipe
Jolt
Jetfire
Skids
Mudflap
Wheelie
Megatron
The Fallen
Starscream
Mixmaster
Rampage
Demolisher
Long Haul
Soundwave
Ravage
Devastator
Scorponok
Blackout
That isn't 40+ ANYTHING. Fail for boasting and not living up to the promises.
Also, the next thing I want to point out is the usage of the minor characters who were supposed to make us laugh.
Herp and Derp, Leo, would be agent, Sam's parents, Wheelie, the little marauder Decepticons that showed up in Sam's house in the beginning, Bumblebee... Where's the freaking class? Why all these minor characters, and autobots who are disgracing themselves just to make kids crack a smile? Man, even the silent little girl in Terminator Salvation played a more adult role than the names I brought up. Too much of that goofiness and not enough of the Autobots doing what we'd like to see. Also, no matter how you look at it, most of these characters are just there to make the film needlessly long. We didn't ask for it and it's not needed.
4th; Toilet Humor/Sex Jokes - FUCK. The number of these time wasting scenes is just... AAARGH! Look, first thing I wanna say, Meagan Fox IS indeed hot, but when I go to see 'Transformers', I'm not looking to see her in slow-mo like every fucking minute. If I was interested in seeing her all the time, I know her name, I've the got the internet and access to Google, there goes a wonderful Friday night, but shit man, I don't need to see her getting changed in the middle of my movie and always in these provocative positions, again; you wanna see that? Google that shit, not during my movie.
Sam's parents talking about sex. Yuck. I don't need to hear or even come close to envisioning two old dried prunes who act like rejects from 'All in the Family' talk about how they want to pollute some other people's vision by getting naked and laying each other down by the campfire. It's also a great way to waste film, mission accomplished.
Fart jokes, and any and EVERYTHING even remotely related to genitals especially seen on Transformers needs to go out the fucking door. Seriously? John Totoro or whatever his name is in a G-string? Just cause I mentioned not really caring to see Meagan Fox undress during the film, you think I want THAT as an alternative? Get the hell outta here. Giving Devastator a scrotum? That wasn't funny. Having those two little retards eat up my movie time with that mute of a Transformer? That's just un-fucking-forgiveable. They accomplished NOTHING and were just making noise the entire time. If they were there like... Every now and then, things would've been ok, but that wasn't the case. They really had NO USE other than to waste more time and entertain the stupid.
And another thing; What's with Michael Bay and black stereotypes? I mean, Jazz had class, so I didn't mind, also, Jazz and Blaster were the original 'black' Autobots, and Jazz was played by a famous black musician (Scatman Crothers), so it makes sense. But look at the first movie; The two lazy, fat, black guys who sit around on the computer, not doing shit other than eating donuts and wasting electricity while yelling at their old aunt. As soon as the cops come, yes, hilarity ensues (stereotyping) but then you've got Skids who for some unknown reason has a gold tooth. Why does an Autobot have that? It MAKES NO SENSE. Not only that, they both talk all gangsta and can't read for shit, not to mention being lazy. Skids is like a robotic version of lil' Romeo, only more annoying. (I'll give lil' Romeo some leeway because if I wanted to listen to him, I'd actually have to go LOOKING for his music. It's not being cramed into my ear passages) Those two don't really do anything the whole movie, and they're just there as mentioned before to 'entertain the stupid.' Also, where'd these two ever come from? I've never seen them in any of the other series, so that means they were created just for this movie, to muck up any trace of it being looked at as a step up. Why did you do this to yourself Bay? I know you made Bad Boys 1 & 2 but the difference with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence is; THOSE NIGGA'S GOT JOBS! Not to mention an education. Seriously, I really don't wanna pull the race card, I really feel that it's just a cheap way to start hard to win arguments, but why did no other ethnic stereotypes come up, since we're on the subject? Just saying.
To actually conclude this, I must say that if you were to rid this movie of the aforementioned things that are 'ruining' it. You may end up with something pretty decent at best. Then again, there weren't enough points of the autobots actually interacting with one another and about maybe 20 mins of fighting out of a 2 and a half hour movie. Needless to say, they should think about refining some of the elements in this movie, and work on the presentation a bit. Then we could probably have a sub-par Transformers film. But despite all that, watching the film, I can say "It wasn't THAT bad" but nothing I can say can really stop it from being... Well, on 'movie' standards, it was pretty crappy.
Note to those who read: It's really fucking long.