Stop telling me to get hitched and have kids!
I have my fricking reasons for staying single!
I've been giving this some thought as to why I should stay single and why I should not have children, and it has occurred to me I'm not as selfish as I once thought. People choose to have children because they believe it will make them happy. It's not about the child's happiness; it's about their happiness, because no one can make any guarantees they can give a child happiness. So in fact, I'm thinking from the child's perspective. I think to myself: "If I had a child, what will his/her life be like".
Two words: emotionally deprived
I just don't like children. Even if I had to carry that parasite around for ten months, I still doubt I would have any tender feelings towards it. I would probably hate it for causing me so much pain during labour. At the end of the day, I have to admit that I love myself more than anyone else.
And if by some miracle my child did love me, by loving me, I will have caused it immeasurable grief. My child will have to watch me grow old, get sick, and one day, hold my hand as the last breath of air escapes me. I've been through it twice, and it nearly killed me and I had to cry myself to sleep every night for the next year thereafter. I have to be some twisted monster to cast such a curse onto an innocent being just because I want the satisfaction of being unconditionally loved by my offspring.
So I've chosen my path. I am going to stay single because I'll be damned if I'm going to be hurt like that again - to develop affection, to love someone only to have to brace yourself for the day you'll follow in the wake of their coffin.
They try and tell me that all the good times we share together will be worth all the downs. But it's not. In the event I fall hopelessly in love and conceive for one possible instant that I could have a 'happy' future, I just need to think back to the sensations of having my heart rip out as I stare at the black and white photo of my grandma on her tombstone, and all flights of fantasy and fancy will crumble, and loneliness isn't such a bad option afterall.
I don't want to grieve at anyone's funeral, and likewise, I don't want anyone grieving at mine.
What's so hard about my motives to understand?