WHO?!

Nov 11, 2023 21:00

Assuming anyone is still on here, I just realized I haven't posted in well over a year. I've ignored this account entirely since I can't import my tweets here anymore (thanks a lot, Elon, you twat), mostly spending time on Twitter (Suck it, Elon, you twat, I'm never calling it "X") and Dreamwidth.

Not sure why. There's really nothing wrong with LJ. Except that no one is here.

Brief update, I guess? My mother passed away 12-24-22. I moved out of my house 5-1-23. I now live in a condo downtown. It's a HUGE change and I'm still struggling to adapt. I spend most of my time just sort of, being. Not really living. Just floating. Sometimes I'm carried away on a wave of grief. Other times, not.

Binky, Fluff, and Cookie are all still with me. So are all my memories. I'm still broke. I should be writing or drawing or doing SOMETHING to make my mark on the world but it's so hard. It's always just, so hard.

But yeah, my 22nd LJ anniversary came and went this year. I began my journey on this website as a very angry 16 year old, fighting a horrific battle. I guess I sort of won the battle, but at age 38 I'm really still just... waiting. Waiting for it to click? Waiting for the right moment? Waiting for my parents to unlock my front door and tell me what they're doing, so I can sigh and get back to work? Yeah, that last one.

I'm not miserable. A lot of the time I feel pretty okay. But I'm still struggling. You can't live the way I did for so long and then just suddenly become a brand new person. But I'm in therapy. I'm taking my meds. I'm doing what I can. Some days it's all I can do to just maintain, to not backslide, to not actively harm myself. Some days my cats are the only reason I even get out of bed. I'm my own worst enemy.

But I'm also my own best friend.

I walked into a bedroom and found my mother dead. Stiff, cold. I survived that. I'm still alive. I never expected I could survive any of the things I have survived. But I did.

So FUCK YOU, ELON MUSK.

Er, I mean... have a nice day, everyone.
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