TOAST
I recently participated in drama club's 24 hour play festival. The idea is that a few 8 minute plays are written, rehearsed, and performed all within 24 hours. I was a playwright for the festival, and I've decided to post the script my I cowrote. It went off quite well and I am extremely proud of my creation.
How Jacob Smirnoff Discovered She was a Man:
A Story About Spies, Lost Dimensions, and Toast
Written by Mardi Billman and Benjamin Casner
Character List
JACOB SMIRNOFF (Yah-kob smeer-noff)- used to be a famous male Soviet Russian comedian, now turned female spy, has Russian accent.
LESSER SPY- Gender neutral, Soviet Russian, vaguely incompetent subordinate spy, has Russian accent (occasionally referred to as “him”).
ABNEY OSWALD, ESQUIRE- gender neutral, American mad scientist.
Setting: 1950’s U.S.
Scenes: train, front yard, kitchen
Scene 1: Train
(SPY, gender neutral, Soviet Russian, vaguely incompetent subordinate spy, has Russian accent, enters the train compartment.)
SPY
Do mind if I sit in this compartment?
JACOB
(JACOB SMIRNOFF (Yah-kob smeer-noff)- Used to be a famous male Soviet Russian comedian, now turned female spy, has Russian accent, is found reading.) In Soviet Russia, compartment sits in you.
SPY
So, you are Jacob Smirnoff. (Looks JACOB up and down). But why you are woman? Jacob is man’s name.
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, sex changes you.
SPY
(Perplexed) Alright. What is mission?
JACOB
The train will pass by house of Abney Oswald, esquire. (S)He is foremost American expert in advanced dimensional studies. Our mission is to locate and acquire his/her latest inventions that would enable us to travel through time and space.
SPY
But we do that already, yes?
JACOB
(Kicks SPY) That is not point. Point is to steal American technology. Now, I can see his/her house, (opens window) get ready to jump.
SPY
Jump out window? Are you crazy?
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, window jumps out of you. (JACOB pushes SPY out and jumps after)
Blackout and lights up
Scene 2: ABNEY’s Lawn
SPY
Is that lawn gnome watching us?
JACOB
Quiet! We are sneaking.
(They walk a bit across the lawn)
SPY
Do you hear dog?
JACOB
(Sarcasm) In Soviet Russia, dog hears--
SPY
(Impatient) No, no, (looks at an approaching dog) I see dog.
JACOB
(He turns, surprised) You are right; look, he just set off traps!
(Looking at the area of lawn occupied by the former dog, the two narrate/react to a series of traps set off by the dog. At the end, a stuffed polar bear lands at their feet.)
SPY
(In shock) Polar bear?
JACOB
(Un-phased, JACOB kicks SPY) Polar bear is nothing. Come, to house.
(JACOB proceeds and kneels down at an imaginary door to pick the lock. Blackout: arrange the stage to kitchen setting; lights up.)
Scene 3: Kitchen
SPY
Where are you having learned to do this?
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, lock picks you.
(SPY sees the Soul-Reading Bird on the table, and is transfixed by its eyes.)
SPY
I feel like it reads my soul.
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, soul reads you.
SPY
Enough, why you are always telling these jokes?
JACOB
(Looks haunted) I wasn’t always spy, I used to spend too much time in Russian comedy club. (She pauses to reminisce and shudders; snaps back to the present.) Let us begin searching.
(They rummage through the kitchen, stealing imaginary props, placing them into bags.)
SPY
(Notices toaster on table) Toaster, this is famous American food, yes?
JACOB
We are here to acquire technological secrets. We can consume famous American cuisines later.
SPY
(Childish whine) But I am hungry at now. (He picks up a piece of real bread.)
JACOB
Do not you put in toaster! We are here to acquire technological secrets!
(The SPY withers under JACOB’s glare. He then puts the bread down, waits until JACOB is satisfied and looks away, then puts the bread in the toaster and pulls the lever.)
JACOB
(Turns around, furious) We are here to acquire technological secrets! What are you not understand?!
(JACOB approaches SPY to kick him, but instead kicks an invisible wall. The characters are trapped in individual 2-D planes, and can only move in profile.)
ABNEY
(Offstage, ABNEY OSWALD, ESQUIRE- gender neutral, American, mad scientist, laughs evilly.) Foolish fools, you have fallen into my trap!
(ABNEY Enters)
JACOB
(Contemptuously) Oswald, we meet at last.
SPY
(Approaches ABNEY shuffling along his plane) What is happening?
ABNEY
Simpletons, the device into which you have placed your slice of bread is no ordinary toaster. In fact, it disconnects the third dimension, separating this room into an infinite number of two dimensional planes.
JACOB
Hah, that means you have trapped yourself as well!
ABNEY
False. You will not be able to move between these planes, however (He holds up his watch) this device enables me to move in any dimension I wish.
(The watch is just a normal watch; setting the time to 3:14 (pi) allows the wearer to traverse the dimensions normally. Unfortunately ABNEY’s watch is a low quality fake Rolex, and thus does not work properly. ABNEY walks towards the toaster, but he is taken too far, and grapples for toaster in passing. He tries to reach the toaster several times, but fails due to the low quality of his watch.)
Cheap, fake, useless imitation! (He smashes his watch on the counter in frustration, then realizing what he’s done) Oh…
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, dimensional traversing device breaks you.
SPY
(Increasingly frustrated) How can you make Mother Russia jokes at time like this! (He presses on dimensional wall).
ABNEY
(Ponders) I’ve been performing trans-dimensional experiments for a long time… If one spends too much time trapped in split dimensions, the mind can split as well.
(From this point forward ABNEY’s mind will become increasingly unstable, resulting in some seemingly irrational actions.)
JACOB
No worse than Russian comedy club.
SPY
Jacob, you never did say about your life before spy.
JACOB
(Frustrated) Shut up, I was never a man! Why do you keep bringing up my past? All I wanted to do is acquire technological secrets. We come here to only get stuck in ridiculous dimensional trap. (To ABNEY) Any ideas?
ABNEY
(Beginning to crack, ABNEY decides to play a joke on JACOB and SPY) First, Jacob, get your nose as close as you can to your left knee. Good, now you must take three steps to your right, and say “Ekke Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing Zow Zing.” (Desperate to escape, JACOB obeys) You, Little Spy, pat your head and rub your tummy while hopping on one foot.
(SPY obeys. After a moment ABNEY begins laughing, and JACOB realizes ABNEY’s joke and stops.)
JACOB
Oh, very funny.
SPY
Better than your Mother Russia jokes.
JACOB
Get us out of here you *string of Russian syllables*
ABNEY
(In an increasingly rare moment of clarity) Okay, enough with the jokes. (He considers the situation.) Of course! My escape map! Now we need only find it in this dimensional mess.
SPY
All we have is (bumbling about) Escher painting.
ABNEY
That’s it! That’s the map! Now use it to navigate the dimensions to the device!
SPY
You mean famous American cuisine maker?
ABNEY
Yes, whatever, just go!
SPY
(He begins navigating, but turns towards the plane.) I lost the map!
ABNEY
That’s because you’re looking at it in the wrong way. If observed along one dimension objects become invisible to the human eye.
(SPY continues navigating, making a series of ridiculous motions, travels awkwardly through the audience, and makes it back to stage. Eventually he wanders onto JACOB’s plane and gets stuck.)
JACOB
Keep going, you idiot! (He kicks SPY making him stumble and drop the Escher painting into a separate dimension. SPY panics, presses towards it, but can’t get to it.) In Soviet Russia, excessively complicated escape plan fails on you, genius.
ABNEY
(He continues losing his sanity.) Jacob, do you happen to have a watch on you?
JACOB
Yes?
SPY
Do I smell burning American cuisines?
ABNEY
Yes, yes you do. And if that toast burns completely you’ll get stuck in this trap forever (twitches). Forever! (He giggles evilly.)
JACOB
(Getting ABNEY’s attention) What do I need to do with watch?
ABNEY
The multi-dimensional traversing device I broke was merely a five dollar cheap imitation Rolex! (Maniacal giggling) Set your watch to three one four.
JACOB
Why 3:14? Something to do with number pi?
ABNEY
No, because three one four works.
SPY
That is circular reasoning!
(JACOB and ABNEY stare at SPY for a beat. JACOB fiddles with watch)
ABNEY
Don’t be such a flibbertigibbet with your gibber-jabber; get the toast before it burns!
(JACOB runs towards toaster and pops the toast. The toast emerges as 2-D representation and the dimensions reconnect in 3-D. JACOB and SPY fall out of their planes).
SPY
Why is toast still thin like supermodel?
ABNEY
Dimensional dissociation and re-association… (ABNEY takes 2-D toast out of toaster, sniffs it, and sniggers) alters events in space and time.
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, dimension re-associates you. (He is relieved to be out of his plane).
SPY
Enough about bloody Mother Russia jokes!
(SPY kicks JACOB who falls over. SPY then kicks JACOB several more times until JACOB is in a fetal position. JACOB then notices that things are not quite right in “her” trouser region. The dimensional experience has changed JACOB back into a man.)
JACOB
I haven’t felt this pain since Soviet Russia sex-change (checks in pants, sudden emotional shattering).
(SPY begins gloating over victory. Meanwhile ABNEY takes the Soul-Reading Bird from table and turns it to SPY. SPY is transfixed by the Bird and then falls to his knees gibbering.)
ABNEY
You came here to steal my mad ideas (He takes a bite out of the 2-D toast and looks at both spies, giggling), but in the end, (mocking Russian accent) my mad ideas stole you.
Blackout
THE END
How Jacob Smirnoff Discovered She was a Man:
A Story About Spies, Lost Dimensions, and Toast
Written by Mardi Billman and Benjamin Casner
Character List
JACOB SMIRNOFF (Yah-kob smeer-noff)- used to be a famous male Soviet Russian comedian, now turned female spy, has Russian accent.
LESSER SPY- Gender neutral, Soviet Russian, vaguely incompetent subordinate spy, has Russian accent (occasionally referred to as “him”).
ABNEY OSWALD, ESQUIRE- gender neutral, American mad scientist.
Setting: 1950’s U.S.
Scenes: train, front yard, kitchen
Scene 1: Train
(SPY, gender neutral, Soviet Russian, vaguely incompetent subordinate spy, has Russian accent, enters the train compartment.)
SPY
Do mind if I sit in this compartment?
JACOB
(JACOB SMIRNOFF (Yah-kob smeer-noff)- Used to be a famous male Soviet Russian comedian, now turned female spy, has Russian accent, is found reading.) In Soviet Russia, compartment sits in you.
SPY
So, you are Jacob Smirnoff. (Looks JACOB up and down). But why you are woman? Jacob is man’s name.
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, sex changes you.
SPY
(Perplexed) Alright. What is mission?
JACOB
The train will pass by house of Abney Oswald, esquire. (S)He is foremost American expert in advanced dimensional studies. Our mission is to locate and acquire his/her latest inventions that would enable us to travel through time and space.
SPY
But we do that already, yes?
JACOB
(Kicks SPY) That is not point. Point is to steal American technology. Now, I can see his/her house, (opens window) get ready to jump.
SPY
Jump out window? Are you crazy?
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, window jumps out of you. (JACOB pushes SPY out and jumps after)
Blackout and lights up
Scene 2: ABNEY’s Lawn
SPY
Is that lawn gnome watching us?
JACOB
Quiet! We are sneaking.
(They walk a bit across the lawn)
SPY
Do you hear dog?
JACOB
(Sarcasm) In Soviet Russia, dog hears--
SPY
(Impatient) No, no, (looks at an approaching dog) I see dog.
JACOB
(He turns, surprised) You are right; look, he just set off traps!
(Looking at the area of lawn occupied by the former dog, the two narrate/react to a series of traps set off by the dog. At the end, a stuffed polar bear lands at their feet.)
SPY
(In shock) Polar bear?
JACOB
(Un-phased, JACOB kicks SPY) Polar bear is nothing. Come, to house.
(JACOB proceeds and kneels down at an imaginary door to pick the lock. Blackout: arrange the stage to kitchen setting; lights up.)
Scene 3: Kitchen
SPY
Where are you having learned to do this?
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, lock picks you.
(SPY sees the Soul-Reading Bird on the table, and is transfixed by its eyes.)
SPY
I feel like it reads my soul.
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, soul reads you.
SPY
Enough, why you are always telling these jokes?
JACOB
(Looks haunted) I wasn’t always spy, I used to spend too much time in Russian comedy club. (She pauses to reminisce and shudders; snaps back to the present.) Let us begin searching.
(They rummage through the kitchen, stealing imaginary props, placing them into bags.)
SPY
(Notices toaster on table) Toaster, this is famous American food, yes?
JACOB
We are here to acquire technological secrets. We can consume famous American cuisines later.
SPY
(Childish whine) But I am hungry at now. (He picks up a piece of real bread.)
JACOB
Do not you put in toaster! We are here to acquire technological secrets!
(The SPY withers under JACOB’s glare. He then puts the bread down, waits until JACOB is satisfied and looks away, then puts the bread in the toaster and pulls the lever.)
JACOB
(Turns around, furious) We are here to acquire technological secrets! What are you not understand?!
(JACOB approaches SPY to kick him, but instead kicks an invisible wall. The characters are trapped in individual 2-D planes, and can only move in profile.)
ABNEY
(Offstage, ABNEY OSWALD, ESQUIRE- gender neutral, American, mad scientist, laughs evilly.) Foolish fools, you have fallen into my trap!
(ABNEY Enters)
JACOB
(Contemptuously) Oswald, we meet at last.
SPY
(Approaches ABNEY shuffling along his plane) What is happening?
ABNEY
Simpletons, the device into which you have placed your slice of bread is no ordinary toaster. In fact, it disconnects the third dimension, separating this room into an infinite number of two dimensional planes.
JACOB
Hah, that means you have trapped yourself as well!
ABNEY
False. You will not be able to move between these planes, however (He holds up his watch) this device enables me to move in any dimension I wish.
(The watch is just a normal watch; setting the time to 3:14 (pi) allows the wearer to traverse the dimensions normally. Unfortunately ABNEY’s watch is a low quality fake Rolex, and thus does not work properly. ABNEY walks towards the toaster, but he is taken too far, and grapples for toaster in passing. He tries to reach the toaster several times, but fails due to the low quality of his watch.)
Cheap, fake, useless imitation! (He smashes his watch on the counter in frustration, then realizing what he’s done) Oh…
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, dimensional traversing device breaks you.
SPY
(Increasingly frustrated) How can you make Mother Russia jokes at time like this! (He presses on dimensional wall).
ABNEY
(Ponders) I’ve been performing trans-dimensional experiments for a long time… If one spends too much time trapped in split dimensions, the mind can split as well.
(From this point forward ABNEY’s mind will become increasingly unstable, resulting in some seemingly irrational actions.)
JACOB
No worse than Russian comedy club.
SPY
Jacob, you never did say about your life before spy.
JACOB
(Frustrated) Shut up, I was never a man! Why do you keep bringing up my past? All I wanted to do is acquire technological secrets. We come here to only get stuck in ridiculous dimensional trap. (To ABNEY) Any ideas?
ABNEY
(Beginning to crack, ABNEY decides to play a joke on JACOB and SPY) First, Jacob, get your nose as close as you can to your left knee. Good, now you must take three steps to your right, and say “Ekke Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing Zow Zing.” (Desperate to escape, JACOB obeys) You, Little Spy, pat your head and rub your tummy while hopping on one foot.
(SPY obeys. After a moment ABNEY begins laughing, and JACOB realizes ABNEY’s joke and stops.)
JACOB
Oh, very funny.
SPY
Better than your Mother Russia jokes.
JACOB
Get us out of here you *string of Russian syllables*
ABNEY
(In an increasingly rare moment of clarity) Okay, enough with the jokes. (He considers the situation.) Of course! My escape map! Now we need only find it in this dimensional mess.
SPY
All we have is (bumbling about) Escher painting.
ABNEY
That’s it! That’s the map! Now use it to navigate the dimensions to the device!
SPY
You mean famous American cuisine maker?
ABNEY
Yes, whatever, just go!
SPY
(He begins navigating, but turns towards the plane.) I lost the map!
ABNEY
That’s because you’re looking at it in the wrong way. If observed along one dimension objects become invisible to the human eye.
(SPY continues navigating, making a series of ridiculous motions, travels awkwardly through the audience, and makes it back to stage. Eventually he wanders onto JACOB’s plane and gets stuck.)
JACOB
Keep going, you idiot! (He kicks SPY making him stumble and drop the Escher painting into a separate dimension. SPY panics, presses towards it, but can’t get to it.) In Soviet Russia, excessively complicated escape plan fails on you, genius.
ABNEY
(He continues losing his sanity.) Jacob, do you happen to have a watch on you?
JACOB
Yes?
SPY
Do I smell burning American cuisines?
ABNEY
Yes, yes you do. And if that toast burns completely you’ll get stuck in this trap forever (twitches). Forever! (He giggles evilly.)
JACOB
(Getting ABNEY’s attention) What do I need to do with watch?
ABNEY
The multi-dimensional traversing device I broke was merely a five dollar cheap imitation Rolex! (Maniacal giggling) Set your watch to three one four.
JACOB
Why 3:14? Something to do with number pi?
ABNEY
No, because three one four works.
SPY
That is circular reasoning!
(JACOB and ABNEY stare at SPY for a beat. JACOB fiddles with watch)
ABNEY
Don’t be such a flibbertigibbet with your gibber-jabber; get the toast before it burns!
(JACOB runs towards toaster and pops the toast. The toast emerges as 2-D representation and the dimensions reconnect in 3-D. JACOB and SPY fall out of their planes).
SPY
Why is toast still thin like supermodel?
ABNEY
Dimensional dissociation and re-association… (ABNEY takes 2-D toast out of toaster, sniffs it, and sniggers) alters events in space and time.
JACOB
In Soviet Russia, dimension re-associates you. (He is relieved to be out of his plane).
SPY
Enough about bloody Mother Russia jokes!
(SPY kicks JACOB who falls over. SPY then kicks JACOB several more times until JACOB is in a fetal position. JACOB then notices that things are not quite right in “her” trouser region. The dimensional experience has changed JACOB back into a man.)
JACOB
I haven’t felt this pain since Soviet Russia sex-change (checks in pants, sudden emotional shattering).
(SPY begins gloating over victory. Meanwhile ABNEY takes the Soul-Reading Bird from table and turns it to SPY. SPY is transfixed by the Bird and then falls to his knees gibbering.)
ABNEY
You came here to steal my mad ideas (He takes a bite out of the 2-D toast and looks at both spies, giggling), but in the end, (mocking Russian accent) my mad ideas stole you.
Blackout
THE END