One step forward and a few steps back
I am trying to conquer my fear of spiders. I stared at one on my driveway for a really long time. I appreciate the way they can capture dew in it's most delicate form. Leaves collect dew like cupped hands with patient fingers. Spider-webs let the dew fall on the threads like ornaments on a Christmas tree or the way I imagined fairy orbs glowing on gossamer. This spider was a big brown one, as determined to get away from me as I was determined to examine it closer. It always seemed to be the opposite: I usually run away whenever a spider gets close enough to examine the folds in my clothes or the strange smell of my sneakers. FORGET MY HAIR.
Last night a met a bunch of my friend's friends. I always feel out of the loop. If that is a legitimate term. I don't understand how I have managed to successfully avoid knowing anyone in Warwick for so long. Everyone knows everyone. The night almost made me feel like one of those kids in Dazed and Confuzed where they go and hang out around campfires and talk about how un-judgemental they are--of course! Talking about people talking about people and the town. I have only been gone for two years. I have only been gone.
I admit I was beginning to feel like it was a mistake that I decided to spend most of the summer up in Canada at my Aunt's. I was beginning to feel like a girl who pulls her car into the driveway at 1:30 AM. If it hadn't been for the fact that half-way through the night I started to stare at my feet and realize how big they appeared, how small I felt. Child's feet, the way they were placed. The way I didn't participate in campfire parties. The way I couldn't say something, anything without feeling silly. Overgrown twelve-year old. Eighteen year old child, how silly.
So today I weeded out my front yard. I mowed my lawn then I just decided that there were too many weeds everywhere. I think it was just an excuse to think and smell the rocky soil. I listened to The Erector Set. I thought a lot about Siddhartha. For some reason ripping things out of the ground stimulates my mind to function a trillion times more quickly than normal. I thought of all the people I want to talk to, all the things I want to write about, all the things I want to accomplish. I thought about how I should learn to calmly accept certain things and how much I just want to be pro-active and useful in life. Unfortunately, when I stopped pulling things out of the ground I forgot a lot of what I thought about. I should learn to multi-task, type-write with my feet while weeding the garden.
I feel like a walrus. I am the walrus.
Last night a met a bunch of my friend's friends. I always feel out of the loop. If that is a legitimate term. I don't understand how I have managed to successfully avoid knowing anyone in Warwick for so long. Everyone knows everyone. The night almost made me feel like one of those kids in Dazed and Confuzed where they go and hang out around campfires and talk about how un-judgemental they are--of course! Talking about people talking about people and the town. I have only been gone for two years. I have only been gone.
I admit I was beginning to feel like it was a mistake that I decided to spend most of the summer up in Canada at my Aunt's. I was beginning to feel like a girl who pulls her car into the driveway at 1:30 AM. If it hadn't been for the fact that half-way through the night I started to stare at my feet and realize how big they appeared, how small I felt. Child's feet, the way they were placed. The way I didn't participate in campfire parties. The way I couldn't say something, anything without feeling silly. Overgrown twelve-year old. Eighteen year old child, how silly.
So today I weeded out my front yard. I mowed my lawn then I just decided that there were too many weeds everywhere. I think it was just an excuse to think and smell the rocky soil. I listened to The Erector Set. I thought a lot about Siddhartha. For some reason ripping things out of the ground stimulates my mind to function a trillion times more quickly than normal. I thought of all the people I want to talk to, all the things I want to write about, all the things I want to accomplish. I thought about how I should learn to calmly accept certain things and how much I just want to be pro-active and useful in life. Unfortunately, when I stopped pulling things out of the ground I forgot a lot of what I thought about. I should learn to multi-task, type-write with my feet while weeding the garden.
I feel like a walrus. I am the walrus.