For Him [Yama 2/6]
Five years in a relationship with Satoshi was only equaled by Sho's five years in his current company. He got in thanks to his shining credentials but it didn't hurt that his upperclassman from his university's baseball team was there too and practically bragged about Sho like a doting father.
Junichi Okada was now chief trainer and was finishing up the day's lecture to newly hired employees after Sho represented his own department in the orientation. Okada was thrilled to be joined by Sho at last in the orientation, and so were some of the trainees, after hearing so much about the star employee of the marketing department.
He was not such a star employee in his head, however. In the front row at Okada's motivational lecture, Sho was a little too nostalgic to pay enough attention to his senior.
Perhaps it was Okada's deep voice and passionate speech that took him back to his university days, but it was truly Satoshi's sticky note doodle next to Sho's omelette rice breakfast that set his thoughts into the past.
Satoshi had gone to his part time work at the convenience store by the time Sho woke up that morning, and had cooked breakfast. The doodle, which to the artistically challenged Sho was more of a miniature masterpiece on its own, was actually a sketched and simplified version of his graduation celebration photo where the two of them were together with some of their mutual friends.
Sho and Satoshi stood awkwardly next to each other in the original photo, surrounded by some others. Sho remembered how he gathered the extras to be in the picture with them as Satoshi asked someone else to take the photo. In retrospect, Sho had realized that Satoshi meant for it to be a picture of only the two of them.
And yet, the simple drawing captured Satoshi's serene smile and Sho's broad grin. "Thanks for being my dream," was written at the bottom. Sho was amazed at the dedication Satoshi had put and had briefly wondered if he had his schedule set to the earliest possible time for the rest of the week. With his phone, Sho took a picture of himself eating the beautiful omelette rice and sent it to Satoshi with his thanks.
Satoshi worked at the convenience store just so he could have time outside their house to clear his thoughts and see people. This inspires him to do art. He was talented enough to live off his work if he really wanted to.
And Sho could always drop by the convenience store to personally thank him back but he had decided he wasn't ready. He had nothing to give back to Satoshi.
He dodged their neighbors, the jolly young men from the adjacent unit, and was stuck thinking of the past since then.
"To sum it up," Okada said, making Sho look up from his own lap. "Teamwork is essential in Kaizen, and trust is integral to teamwork." Okada was walking a little closer to the side of the stage Sho was at.
"It's important to be open to your co-workers and not just sensitive to their needs, but direct with your own." Okada gave Sho a little wink, as it was similar to one of his pre-game pep talks.
"Like in your own personal lives, the key to a smooth relationship with our clients is having a direct approach. More on Kaizen, tomorrow." he added.
Sho was a little hung up on his senior's words. Perhaps there was something he needed to open up about with Satoshi.
At the graduation celebration drinking party that the sticky note doodle reminded him, Satoshi had hugged him in front of so many people. No one much cared since they all thought Satoshi was drunk, but Sho politely reminded him to not be too excited anyway.
Sho didn't have to explain that he wasn't much of the physical type since Satoshi never hugged him in public after that night. He thought he'd hurt Satoshi's feelings then. He was quite the opposite of Sho especially with touch, after all.
"Are you mesmerized?"
Sho was hurled right back into reality by the gentlest pat on the shoulder and Okada's quieter "off mode" voice.
"A little. It's just like the old days." Sho congratulated Okada on the training session and they made their way outside the hall as well.
"Ah, you see that lad over there? Reminds me of you." Okada looked at a lanky trainee with a messy bowl-cut brown hair. The trainee saw them approaching, making his eyes widen before he bowed and Okada simply patted him on the head once he got close enough.
"Back when I gave you a similar advice about life. Back when you needed me." Okada went on, giving a wink and a wave to the confused trainee as they went on their way.
"I still do, of course." Sho smiled.
Okada chuckled and they turned left at a corner. "When I watched you do your presentation, I knew you've grown up."
"I still have a long ways to go." Sho said, a little embarrassed to be praised. He was too distracted during his own presentation, trying to figure why Satoshi would draw that particular awkward night. Sho couldn't even recall if he really did well in the presentation or not.
"Just a little bit more, really." Okada's brows furrowed in thought. "But you were a tad stiff at the shoulders today. Didn't let go of the papers you held except for one gesture: holding out your right hand to the screen."
Sho realized this and hung his head in regret. Okada laughed and ruffled his hair just like he always used to.
"Maybe my topic about openness hit a nail somewhere?" Okada helped Sho straighten his blazer and they continued walking.
"No it's just...someone's important day but I don't know what present to get." Sho tilted his head in defeat. "When someone has always given you excellent gifts, you'd want to give something of worth, too."
"You make it sound like a competition!" Okada patted Sho on the back and then resting his hand on Sho's shoulder. "Think of what you want the other person to have, not what you want to give. It's for that person's happiness, not for you to comply to a tradition..."
Sho felt his lungs release a long breath. There it was, an answer to his dilemma. It only took one sentence to ask for help, but Sho had to muster his guts to even admit that it was a problem. Now he just needed time to concentrate on a practical answer.
"That's actually a good idea." he said, his mind immediately racing.
Okada chuckled. "You owe me a drink."
*
Although it felt like a solution to Sho earlier, on the train ride home, it felt like a whole new question all of a sudden. What does he want Satoshi to have anyway? Other than a bit of a stubble, that is.
Even if he had known Satoshi for ages, he was never satisfied with what he could give to a man whose mere existence was the best present Sho could ever hope for. And on top of that, Satoshi does have moments when he seems to read minds.
When Sho took a whole troubled hour worrying about looking great for his first major company presentation, Satoshi had made a whole two-tier bento for him to bring. And gave him a blue handkerchief and necktie set, too. Sho didn't understand the point of the two at first, but Satoshi said blue was the soothing color of a calm sea and sunny skies and that he noticed that Sho only started panicking about his presentation when looking at a mirror.
Sho looked at his reflection in the glass on the door at the other side of the train. The gentle blue of his now favorite tie stood out on the dreary chromes all around. The color never really calmed him, but the memory of Satoshi's warm hand and feather-light voice did, the day of his first presentation.
He snapped out of his thoughts when the doors opened and the blue slid out of view. He stepped out and remembered that he hand-painted a purplish-gray tuna on a blue apron as thanks for Satoshi's good luck presents.
He almost slapped a hand right to his face in his embarrassment, recalling again how ridiculous the mutant tuna looked, his sloping shoulders wincing at the imagined contact. His face still contorted in the shame of it, he somehow remembered how Satoshi looked so delighted to have it.
Sho didn't notice he was grinning like an addict on a high from the memory of Satoshi's smile until he saw the familiar tall and lanky figure of his neighbor.
"Sho-chan?" Masaki Aiba looked at him with the excited smile of a dog greeting his master. There was a convenience store plastic bag in his left hand and a smartphone in the other.
Sho never really understood how he became friends with the guy, but it wasn't something he was against. Aiba and his roommates always had some nice dishes to share for some reason.
"Oh, hi Aiba-kun." They exchanged short bows as they headed for the elevator. "What's up? Oh and thanks for the gyoza from last time."
Please don't rant, please don't rant,
Sho realized what he said when the words were out of his mouth. He and Aiba entered the elevator, the perfect place to have a conversation.
Aiba was talkative, and an animated conversationalist. As much as he was fun to talk to, he was also a deep listener and Sho always thought he'd be fun to drink with. But Sho didn't want to chat at the moment.
"Is Oh-chan a painter?" he asked, round eyes blinking innocently. "I smelled paint."
Sho almost rolled his eyes. "He's not that kind of painter."
"What kind?"
"The kind that paints walls."
"Oh," Aiba reactivated his phone. "I didn't smell wall paint. I smelled "painting" paint. Like, picture painting paint."
Sho was about to interrogate him to find out how he can smell through the metal doors when Aiba showed him a picture from his phone of what looked like the unfinished interior of a restaurant.
"I wanted an artist to paint some dragons on this wall." Aiba grinned, gesturing with his fist, and making the cans clunk in his plastic bag. "I think my restaurant could be a cool place that way."
Sho's eyebrows shot up in surprise and realization just as the elevator bell chimed.
Ding!
"Tell him for me, please?" Aiba said happily, glancing at the picture and then back at Sho, his long strides taking him almost halfway across the hall in a few steps.
"Yeah, sure." Sho was still surprised. He wondered why he had never known much about their neighbors despite having hung out with them a few times. Then he quickly added, "He might be busy this week and at the weekend he's got a trip. He can probably meet with you to settle a schedule."
With a smile to rival a child in a candy store, Aiba nodded. "No rush, you guys are just across the hall and I don't need the painting done yet. Have fun on your Hawaii trip!"
For a moment, Sho was confused as to why Aiba even knew about the Hawaii trip for the weekend but Aiba reached his door first and wished Sho a good night. Sho got to their unit and, deciding to ask if Satoshi had told the neighbors about their trip, swung the door open.
Aiba was right, there was a faint smell of "picture painting paint" indeed. It still didn't explain how Aiba smelled that from outside but Sho quickly became occupied with the fact that Satoshi must have made a new painting.
"I'm back." Sho hollered once he finished changing to slippers. There was no response.
In the living room, he found Satoshi wearing a deep blue yukata, soundly napping with half his body on the floor and his head propped on the couch.
Near him, just by the wall, was something draped clumsily with an old curtain.
It was definitely a painting.
With Satoshi in a yukata, Sho knew what memory was being evoked this time.
In their first year being officially "together"-the word Sho had insisted on using-they actually spent much less time with each other. In fact, Sho didn't really know when their relationship started until he coincidentally saw Satoshi at the summer festival that year, standing out in a blue yukata.
They didn't really plan to meet. Sho had come with Okada and other friends from work, all of whom left with other people. It was when he had become alone that he had seen Satoshi in the quiet path going up to the temple.
Satoshi was for some reason sitting on a rock at the side of the path. He had a small goldfish in a plastic bag right on his head and was muttering to himself until Sho had come and had called out his name.
Sho remembered how Satoshi had simply looked up at the sound of his first name, how it had lit up his face brighter than the full moon did. But looking up had made the goldfish roll onto the ground, its bag bursting at one side, spilling the little fish onto the stone steps.
Sho had been on the case faster than Satoshi could stand up. He had quickly put the fish in the mineral water bottle he was bringing.
Satoshi had thanked him, and had said he was happy that Sho came. Sho had apologized, assuming he had forgotten to meet up. Satoshi had confirmed that it was purely coincidence that they met there.
"I said that if I caught a fish, I'd definitely see you, too. Miracles happen." Satoshi said then. Sho wanted to say that it didn't have to be a miracle for them to meet, but Satoshi had quickly interrupted his thoughts.
"Look over there!"
Satoshi had pointed to the sky, where a sudden swipe of silver appeared and faded. Followed by another, and yet another.
"Meteoroids?" Sho then had an odd feeling of déjà vu. As if they had that conversation already.
Satoshi's brows furrowed for a moment in thought and then he had responded. "Yeah, that's the word I think. Falling stars? And those."
Two stars looked pretty close together in the sky.
"I don't recall seeing those there..." Sho had checked the surrounding constellations briefly then and Satoshi chuckled lightly.
"It was just like this when we first kissed a year ago." he said, his voice a far away whisper.
Looking back, Sho wanted to hit his past self in the head for not remembering. For not treasuring that night enough.
But in that year, Satoshi didn't let Sho think these guilty things. He had stood on the higher step of the stairs, gently pulled Sho close by the hands and kissed him again, wishing him a happy anniversary right on his lips.
The flustered five-years-ago Sho had no idea how to respond. Sho in the present couldn't even recall what happened next.
He pulled his thoughts to the present and removed the awkward draping on the painting.
"Wait-"
Sho yelped at the suddenness of Satoshi's voice, turning too violently around and dragging the painting and the drapes with him as he tripped over his own feet.
It was too fast, but he had caught the painting just in time to land in Satoshi's arms.
"I wanted to show it dramatically," Satoshi snorted, "but maybe this is better."
"Sorry!" Sho said, getting up and quickly making the painting stand again. It didn't seem damaged in the unfortunate tangle.
In fact, it was majestic.
It was abstract, with beautiful strokes and blobs of color, but Sho can see it cleanly. A goldfish in a water bottle, in the backdrop of a starry summer sky, complete with the two stars Sho couldn't name and the meteoroids. Sho and Satoshi were in the foreground, colored blocks of maroon and navy respectively.
"I remember this night," Sho said, not taking his eyes off the painting, but feeling the weight of Satoshi's stare right on the back of his head.
"Our second kiss." Satoshi took the drapes from Sho's hand and threw it aside. When he came close once more, Sho had lifted the painting up and walked off to an empty wall.
"I'd be glad to see it every day. It's beautiful." Sho let the canvass rest on the wall and admired it a little more while Satoshi came close again.
"Thanks for being my dream," Satoshi said, his voice ever so light.
"Oh man, this really puts my stupid tuna painting to so much shame." Sho chuckled, unable to hold the shame any longer.
"On my apron?" Satoshi looked from Sho to the direction of their kitchen where the mentioned apron was. "But I love it!"
Sho looked at Satoshi as he hurriedly got the apron from where it was hanging and put it on. Sho could barely hold down a laugh.
"Don't mock me, I know the tuna is terrible!" Sho rolled his eyes and rubbed his temples in a comically overdone way, but was laughing quietly at himself.
"No, that's not what art is about." Satoshi stomped closer with a cartoonish pout, hands on his waist. "It's all about the thoughts and feelings in making it."
Sho stopped laughing. Satoshi still looked really goofy, but his point was more than valid. It was eye-opening.
"I know you hate your drawings, and people make fun of you. But you still drew for me, and that," -Satoshi pointed to the disfigured tuna- "This! Is art. Real art."
Sho's lip quivered but he tried not to look too touched. "And you said you didn't want to be famous. You speak like a famous person already."
Satoshi furrowed his brows in mock focus, gesturing for his imaginary crowd to keep cheering him on.
Sho did, at least in his mind, as he laughed out loud and clapped in amusement.