Christmas at the Jones'
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
The Jones’ asleep for once did not mutter
And their brand new gas fire gave barely a chutter
Up on the roof He was already there
Preparing to descend with the greatest of care
Cursing the start of the early morn mist
This family was last on a very long list
His beard was all sooty and his red coat was torn
The look on his face was unseasonally forlorn
Beside him the tired reindeers stood steaming
Even poor Rudolph was no longer beaming
He glanced at the chimney and gave it a poke
And smiled at once for the complete lack of smoke
No fire had been lit, perhaps the families were learning
Though his bottom was still sore from the last fifteen burnings
At last satisfied and hefting his sack
With a last little groan for his poor aching back
Taking a breath, his eyes shut not to see
He took one giant step into the chimney
Rushing down fast, all going well
He hit something hard with a loud ringing knell
And trapped in his tomb of mortar and stone
Dear old Saint Nick gave out a low moan
“I’m all wedged in tight with my foot up my ass
Something in this chimney just won’t let me pass
Nothing will help, no dieting will do
Even much thinner there’s no way down this floo”
Wriggling his hand to a quite private spot
He felt on his hip for something still hot
And holding the gun up into the air
He let off a soaring, brightly lit flare
The support team of elves heaved a big sigh
Would nothing be the end of this stupid fat guy
This was the five thousandth chimney he’d got stuck in that night
And he left it to them to put everything right
Again and again they’d calmly explained
That on Christmas Eve if he’d only refrain
They could get the job done in half the time that he took
With brand spanking new methods right out of a book
They’d leave out the chimneys, no more burning on fires
And modern machines would cut our stuck reindeers on church spires
Handy little tools could open doors real quick
And with all the elves helping it’d be done in a tick
With a merciless chuckle, he’d reply with a grin
“You don’t understand that’s not the style of the thing
Gadgets and gizmos aren’t the way to kids hearts
It’s not just a job, it’s playing a part”
Then that would be that, for he was the boss
And after all, they would think, it was really his loss
Annoying though it was, as in the end his elf staff
Were the ones putting in the really hard graft
So they lowered down the hooks and he secured them in place
And settling themselves down against a tough, sturdy brace
They heaved and they hoved, but they were all out of luck
For alack, the poor fellas foot had got stuck
With much grunting and groaning and mutterings of pain
And with the reindeers roped in to take up the strain
Then they all pulled together until at last with a pop
He shot from the chimney like a red, spinning top
He dropped to the roof with a snow shaking thump
And got to his feet rubbing his now painful rump
Looking down at his sock and wriggling his toe
He thought sadly of the boot left down below
With one final sigh he turned to the head of the team
Ignoring the familiar ‘I told you so’ beam
“Get the stuff together; we’ll head down to the ground
We’ll find some way in if we just look around”
Trying the front door he found it still locked
The eager elves with their burglary kits, well stocked
Surrounded the door with a rattling of tins
Until Santa exploded “How many times? We’re not breaking in”
Escaping the whining he looked round the house
But could find no entry for much more than a mouse
Until finally he spotted with a wide spreading grin
A bathroom window ajar that just might let him in
Throwing his sack in before him, he climbed through the frame
But could not get much further and filling with shame
He wriggled a little and gave out a short yelp
“Would some of you sods come and give me some help”
Ignoring the giggling and a quiet elf mutter
“With a turkey this big we’ll need extra butter”
With them pushing behind he pulled himself through
And quickly rescued his fur lined hat from the loo
He limped to the living room, still slightly damp
And feeling his way switched on all the lamps
Presents were piled under the glittering tree
And on the mantelpiece stood mince pies and sherry
He guzzled them down with no sign of delight
Trying to ignore his poor stomachs plight
For mountains of pies and gallons of sherry
Did little to keep the now grumbling thing merry
Spotting the stockings, both needing filling
In mere moments it was done, the gifts over spilling
He smiled to himself for the job was well done
And thanked one and all, for it was a year till the next one
He was weary and tired from a night far too long
And with one last look round it was time to be gone
But spotting the gas fire he could barely resist
And taking a breath he balled up his fists
With mutterings of tradition and long damaged glory
He descended on the thing all fire and hell fury
With a crashing and a clanking and a popping of bolts
The fire was a mess before he came to a halt
And standing there amid the wreck and the ruin
The tree fallen over and the presents all strewn
The glittering wreckage smoking it’s last
Until the life of the gas fire was finally past
Old Santa was filled with feelings of shame
Wondering how he could even start to explain
When suddenly outside the darkness was gone
For through all the windows a bright light was shone
And an echoing voice from above filled the air
With trembling might it gave Santa a scare
“Put your hands in the air so we can all see 'em
We’ve got you well covered so no fighting chum”
With pants slightly damp and his hands to the sky
Wrecked with trepidation as the voice from on high
Stalked into the room with his gun to his chest
The strong, sturdy form of police Sergeant Hest
“Please Sir” said Santa “I don’t understand
I’m delivering presents to kids through the land”
Sergeant Hest answered with a laugh like a bark
“Look son, you’re not the first to try the Christmas Eve stealing lark”
“It’ll go better for you if you don’t treat us like fools
Both you know and I know you’ve broken the rules
But if you don’t understand well let’s just take a look
I’ve got it all written down in my little note book”
“There’s causing a disturbance with all the banging about
You woke up the family so they gave us a shout
Breaking and entering is next in the list
And by the smell of your breath you’re totally pissed”
Standing in shock with his mouth on the floor
As allegation after allegation continued to pour
There was stealing the food and nicking the drink
And Santa in anger turned slightly pink
Then there came the big one, the top of the top
With the mention of vandalism he felt anger drop
Surrounded by wreckage it was hard to deny
Although the feeling of unfairness was still standing by
With the family reassured and it all tidied up
And Santa in handcuffs in the back of the truck
The police were surprised he was still trying to deceive
No amount of explaining were they willing to believe
Back at the station they were leading him through
He wondered in distraction what he ought to do
The station was bare and lacking in cheer
It was a terrible end to a terrible year
With the door standing open he looked into the cell
It looked like a scene straight out of hell
Three other Santa’s were sat looking down and depressed
And slightly embarrassed at the sight of Old Hest
Slamming the door and turning the key
He looked through the shutter his eyes far from merry
“I’ve another of you to add to this throng
Though his outfits quite shoddy, you’ll all get along”
“If it weren’t for you lot I’d be home warm and snug
Giving my children their gifts and a hug
Instead we’re all here, settled in tight
So Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.”
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
The Jones’ asleep for once did not mutter
And their brand new gas fire gave barely a chutter
Up on the roof He was already there
Preparing to descend with the greatest of care
Cursing the start of the early morn mist
This family was last on a very long list
His beard was all sooty and his red coat was torn
The look on his face was unseasonally forlorn
Beside him the tired reindeers stood steaming
Even poor Rudolph was no longer beaming
He glanced at the chimney and gave it a poke
And smiled at once for the complete lack of smoke
No fire had been lit, perhaps the families were learning
Though his bottom was still sore from the last fifteen burnings
At last satisfied and hefting his sack
With a last little groan for his poor aching back
Taking a breath, his eyes shut not to see
He took one giant step into the chimney
Rushing down fast, all going well
He hit something hard with a loud ringing knell
And trapped in his tomb of mortar and stone
Dear old Saint Nick gave out a low moan
“I’m all wedged in tight with my foot up my ass
Something in this chimney just won’t let me pass
Nothing will help, no dieting will do
Even much thinner there’s no way down this floo”
Wriggling his hand to a quite private spot
He felt on his hip for something still hot
And holding the gun up into the air
He let off a soaring, brightly lit flare
The support team of elves heaved a big sigh
Would nothing be the end of this stupid fat guy
This was the five thousandth chimney he’d got stuck in that night
And he left it to them to put everything right
Again and again they’d calmly explained
That on Christmas Eve if he’d only refrain
They could get the job done in half the time that he took
With brand spanking new methods right out of a book
They’d leave out the chimneys, no more burning on fires
And modern machines would cut our stuck reindeers on church spires
Handy little tools could open doors real quick
And with all the elves helping it’d be done in a tick
With a merciless chuckle, he’d reply with a grin
“You don’t understand that’s not the style of the thing
Gadgets and gizmos aren’t the way to kids hearts
It’s not just a job, it’s playing a part”
Then that would be that, for he was the boss
And after all, they would think, it was really his loss
Annoying though it was, as in the end his elf staff
Were the ones putting in the really hard graft
So they lowered down the hooks and he secured them in place
And settling themselves down against a tough, sturdy brace
They heaved and they hoved, but they were all out of luck
For alack, the poor fellas foot had got stuck
With much grunting and groaning and mutterings of pain
And with the reindeers roped in to take up the strain
Then they all pulled together until at last with a pop
He shot from the chimney like a red, spinning top
He dropped to the roof with a snow shaking thump
And got to his feet rubbing his now painful rump
Looking down at his sock and wriggling his toe
He thought sadly of the boot left down below
With one final sigh he turned to the head of the team
Ignoring the familiar ‘I told you so’ beam
“Get the stuff together; we’ll head down to the ground
We’ll find some way in if we just look around”
Trying the front door he found it still locked
The eager elves with their burglary kits, well stocked
Surrounded the door with a rattling of tins
Until Santa exploded “How many times? We’re not breaking in”
Escaping the whining he looked round the house
But could find no entry for much more than a mouse
Until finally he spotted with a wide spreading grin
A bathroom window ajar that just might let him in
Throwing his sack in before him, he climbed through the frame
But could not get much further and filling with shame
He wriggled a little and gave out a short yelp
“Would some of you sods come and give me some help”
Ignoring the giggling and a quiet elf mutter
“With a turkey this big we’ll need extra butter”
With them pushing behind he pulled himself through
And quickly rescued his fur lined hat from the loo
He limped to the living room, still slightly damp
And feeling his way switched on all the lamps
Presents were piled under the glittering tree
And on the mantelpiece stood mince pies and sherry
He guzzled them down with no sign of delight
Trying to ignore his poor stomachs plight
For mountains of pies and gallons of sherry
Did little to keep the now grumbling thing merry
Spotting the stockings, both needing filling
In mere moments it was done, the gifts over spilling
He smiled to himself for the job was well done
And thanked one and all, for it was a year till the next one
He was weary and tired from a night far too long
And with one last look round it was time to be gone
But spotting the gas fire he could barely resist
And taking a breath he balled up his fists
With mutterings of tradition and long damaged glory
He descended on the thing all fire and hell fury
With a crashing and a clanking and a popping of bolts
The fire was a mess before he came to a halt
And standing there amid the wreck and the ruin
The tree fallen over and the presents all strewn
The glittering wreckage smoking it’s last
Until the life of the gas fire was finally past
Old Santa was filled with feelings of shame
Wondering how he could even start to explain
When suddenly outside the darkness was gone
For through all the windows a bright light was shone
And an echoing voice from above filled the air
With trembling might it gave Santa a scare
“Put your hands in the air so we can all see 'em
We’ve got you well covered so no fighting chum”
With pants slightly damp and his hands to the sky
Wrecked with trepidation as the voice from on high
Stalked into the room with his gun to his chest
The strong, sturdy form of police Sergeant Hest
“Please Sir” said Santa “I don’t understand
I’m delivering presents to kids through the land”
Sergeant Hest answered with a laugh like a bark
“Look son, you’re not the first to try the Christmas Eve stealing lark”
“It’ll go better for you if you don’t treat us like fools
Both you know and I know you’ve broken the rules
But if you don’t understand well let’s just take a look
I’ve got it all written down in my little note book”
“There’s causing a disturbance with all the banging about
You woke up the family so they gave us a shout
Breaking and entering is next in the list
And by the smell of your breath you’re totally pissed”
Standing in shock with his mouth on the floor
As allegation after allegation continued to pour
There was stealing the food and nicking the drink
And Santa in anger turned slightly pink
Then there came the big one, the top of the top
With the mention of vandalism he felt anger drop
Surrounded by wreckage it was hard to deny
Although the feeling of unfairness was still standing by
With the family reassured and it all tidied up
And Santa in handcuffs in the back of the truck
The police were surprised he was still trying to deceive
No amount of explaining were they willing to believe
Back at the station they were leading him through
He wondered in distraction what he ought to do
The station was bare and lacking in cheer
It was a terrible end to a terrible year
With the door standing open he looked into the cell
It looked like a scene straight out of hell
Three other Santa’s were sat looking down and depressed
And slightly embarrassed at the sight of Old Hest
Slamming the door and turning the key
He looked through the shutter his eyes far from merry
“I’ve another of you to add to this throng
Though his outfits quite shoddy, you’ll all get along”
“If it weren’t for you lot I’d be home warm and snug
Giving my children their gifts and a hug
Instead we’re all here, settled in tight
So Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.”