Skip this if you're tired of reading about me and my teaching situation
I have started to take down my classroom. My photographs and little decorations are now gone from the walls. It's difficult to look at. It has also been difficult to have the seniors leave. I had so many good seniors, and two of them were my newspaper editors, and they were fantastic. Without them, the school paper would never have come into being. The publication was something we worked hard to develop, and to leave and see them leave hurts.
It also hurts to think about the program I have built being taken on by a new teacher. I know it isn't her fault, but I resent her just a little bit, even though I don't know her. She gets to reap the benefits of the hard work I put into the class, into building leadership for the publication. It hurts to think I won't be a part of it next year, that I have absolutely no say in how the class is taught, to what standards my students are held, or what will happen with it all.
Part of me hopes the new teacher fails, that she can't do as good a job as I do/did. And another part of me feels ashamed for wishing ill on someone who will have a hard enough job without me hoping for it to be harder.
I'm also working on trying to forgive my boss. It's hard. Really hard. Every time I think I may have forgiven him a little bit, something bitter rises in my throat and I feel upset and angry all over again. I am also trying to think of a way to apologize for something, I don't know what. I thought that maybe if I figured out something that I was in the wrong about and could apologize, it might make me feel better, like maybe this wasn't all so one-sided. But I can't think of something to apologize for. I am sure there's something (I'm far from perfect), but it's hard to think of something specific to my situation. "I'm sorry I'm so awesome" doesn't convey the proper amount of contrition, I fear.
I don't know why I want to apologize for something. Maybe I think if I apologize, it will push him toward an apology? Probably not. He probably wouldn't apologize, even if he has put me through absolute, utter crap this year. Even though it's been like slow, prolonged torture where I would feel hopeful, then crushed, then positive, then frustrated.
The thing I still want, more than anything, is to simply know why. I need to know how I violated this school board policy. I've read the policy so many times, and I can't figure out how I violated it, not to mention how I encouraged students to break the policy. That's the only reason I've been given: I allegedly violated the policy on Freedom of Expression, and encouraged students to also violate that policy. But I don't know how.
I think I know the real reason he got rid of me: He didn't like me. I didn't conform to his view of how a student publication should be run. And he didn't like me.
Sigh. It's not that I can't accept that someone doesn't like me; it's that I can't accept that as a reason to put me through the awful trainwreck that has been this year. No one deserves to be treated with so little respect as I have received from him (and the general school administration, etc.).
So it's hard to push past that and forgive him. I know I am supposed to; I know that I can't hang on to this forever. But I find it difficult.
It's like a cancer that every time the surgeon believes it's excised, there are just a few cells left that proceed to grow back into a tumor. I want it gone, and I want the feeling of anger to be gone, but when I see him every day, and every day is the same (he won't look me in the eye, doesn't speak to me (not that I really want to have a conversation with him) and there are reminders all around of a future school year that I won't be a part of) I feel angry again and I just want to scream at him. It's not mature, it's not nice, and it's not healthy feeling.
Rawr. When the school year is finally over, I will be much happier, I think. Oh, and that recommendation letter I was promised? I still don't have it. Grr. I spoke with the Superintendent last Wednesday, and he said he was working on it. I went back again this Wednesday, and he said he was working on it, and he would have it by Friday (that would be today), but today came and I still don't have a letter in hand. That's the entire reason I agreed to not do the full public hearing: I wanted the recommendation. If I don't have the recommendation, then why on earth did I not get the chance to yell at the school board publicly?
I need a vacation. I need a job. I need a new life. I need to go to bed.
It also hurts to think about the program I have built being taken on by a new teacher. I know it isn't her fault, but I resent her just a little bit, even though I don't know her. She gets to reap the benefits of the hard work I put into the class, into building leadership for the publication. It hurts to think I won't be a part of it next year, that I have absolutely no say in how the class is taught, to what standards my students are held, or what will happen with it all.
Part of me hopes the new teacher fails, that she can't do as good a job as I do/did. And another part of me feels ashamed for wishing ill on someone who will have a hard enough job without me hoping for it to be harder.
I'm also working on trying to forgive my boss. It's hard. Really hard. Every time I think I may have forgiven him a little bit, something bitter rises in my throat and I feel upset and angry all over again. I am also trying to think of a way to apologize for something, I don't know what. I thought that maybe if I figured out something that I was in the wrong about and could apologize, it might make me feel better, like maybe this wasn't all so one-sided. But I can't think of something to apologize for. I am sure there's something (I'm far from perfect), but it's hard to think of something specific to my situation. "I'm sorry I'm so awesome" doesn't convey the proper amount of contrition, I fear.
I don't know why I want to apologize for something. Maybe I think if I apologize, it will push him toward an apology? Probably not. He probably wouldn't apologize, even if he has put me through absolute, utter crap this year. Even though it's been like slow, prolonged torture where I would feel hopeful, then crushed, then positive, then frustrated.
The thing I still want, more than anything, is to simply know why. I need to know how I violated this school board policy. I've read the policy so many times, and I can't figure out how I violated it, not to mention how I encouraged students to break the policy. That's the only reason I've been given: I allegedly violated the policy on Freedom of Expression, and encouraged students to also violate that policy. But I don't know how.
I think I know the real reason he got rid of me: He didn't like me. I didn't conform to his view of how a student publication should be run. And he didn't like me.
Sigh. It's not that I can't accept that someone doesn't like me; it's that I can't accept that as a reason to put me through the awful trainwreck that has been this year. No one deserves to be treated with so little respect as I have received from him (and the general school administration, etc.).
So it's hard to push past that and forgive him. I know I am supposed to; I know that I can't hang on to this forever. But I find it difficult.
It's like a cancer that every time the surgeon believes it's excised, there are just a few cells left that proceed to grow back into a tumor. I want it gone, and I want the feeling of anger to be gone, but when I see him every day, and every day is the same (he won't look me in the eye, doesn't speak to me (not that I really want to have a conversation with him) and there are reminders all around of a future school year that I won't be a part of) I feel angry again and I just want to scream at him. It's not mature, it's not nice, and it's not healthy feeling.
Rawr. When the school year is finally over, I will be much happier, I think. Oh, and that recommendation letter I was promised? I still don't have it. Grr. I spoke with the Superintendent last Wednesday, and he said he was working on it. I went back again this Wednesday, and he said he was working on it, and he would have it by Friday (that would be today), but today came and I still don't have a letter in hand. That's the entire reason I agreed to not do the full public hearing: I wanted the recommendation. If I don't have the recommendation, then why on earth did I not get the chance to yell at the school board publicly?
I need a vacation. I need a job. I need a new life. I need to go to bed.