Words
I love words: definitions, their sounds, etymology--everything. For example, I love the word verandah. It sounds rather grand, and much better than porch, which just sounds stumpy to me. I can just imagine saying, "Darling, let's eat out on the veraaaaandah." And it must have the "h" on the end. "Veranda" looks like there's something missing to me.
Most recently, my latest favorite word is palimpsest. It's a slightly strange looking word, at first glance, what with that "p" in the middle. (And normally, it is my assertion that the letter "p" automatically makes a word humorous.) But its meaning has me thinking.
"Palimpsest" refers to the ancient practice of reusing manuscripts like parchment or papyrus by scraping off the original script and then writing over it, sometimes with the previous writing still visible underneath. It makes me think of our lives, how we are continually scraping off the bits we wish to shed and rewriting who we are.
At various points in my life I have had to make a palimpsest of my life, shedding who I thought I was for who I wish to be. Repentance is like this, too. We regret the record we have made, so we wash it clean, and start again with a new story. Most palimpsest manuscripts are only rewritten once, but with our lives, we can erase and begin anew as many times as we like.
And now is when I make a new story, when I start from scratch.
I have moved through many phases, and have felt stuck, oddly at an impasse for some time. As I thought, prayed, and cried over the remains of what I thought my life should be, I have struggled to figure out what I should be writing on my manuscript. But several months ago, one possibility was brought suddenly to my mind through a powerful experience I don't quite feel like sharing, exactly, but I do wish to share the result.
I have most strongly come to realize that I am supposed to serve a mission. I cried when I realized it, and then I started working towards it. I have had many experiences in the year since then which strengthen my resolve and desire, not to mention my testimony.
As I've created this palimpsest of my life, I've begun to rethink what it means for me. And like a manuscript, some people may think it a waste to erase my plans and make such a change. I don't see it as erasing who I am, however; I see it as clearing the way for for something better, something new, and something that create the next piece of who I am supposed to be. All of my previous stories are perceptible beneath this new writing, all of them are there. But it definitely means that this will mean some great differences in who I am. I don't know where it will take me, or what I will do. But now that my application is officially in, I know that this is the start of a new manuscript, a new story.