Got a Light - Chapter 22
I know - You've forgotten all about this story. Well, I know some of you haven't, as I've been nudged on more than one occasion. I looked back and horrors! it's been since October since I've visited this world.
Thanks to my bestest beta mel39 for her keen eye as always.
A special thanks to 60schic for her counsel and assistance on all fronts....without her, I would still be stuck in what do I do and where do I go now mode. Thanks to her, I'm back into it, and chapters should be a little closer together in coming.
refresh your memory here
Chapter 22
Three months had passed. I had just returned from my monthly meeting, and the job was going very well. John made the decision to reduce the overhead of a big office, and most of the staff worked from home anyway, so all of our personal stuff had been packed for us and moved to the new home base, John’s new house in a residential area near the beach. He took us all there to show it to us. The upstairs was where he lived, and the whole downstairs was a home office, which was really all that was needed. Turns out that someone knew someone who knew someone, and he had gotten a bargain. We all received webcams for future meetings, so that trips to L.A. would be fewer. But there was still enough room for the occasional in-person gathering.
We all had our own specific areas and projects, but were contacted for brainstorming on more than one occasion. I really enjoyed hearing the others’ opinions on my projects, as well as giving input to theirs, which made the webcam even more valuable for group discussions from all over the country. What made it even better was that I loved what I was doing. Some days I worked mornings; other days, evenings. Every once in a while, I’d wake up in the night with an idea, and head to my computer to make sure I didn’t forget it. My time was my own as long as I met the deadlines.
I saw my friends frequently now. We met for dinner mostly or drinks. There was talk of kids and parents and work, and we laughed. A lot. It was almost perfect.
Almost. As I unpacked my duffle bag, I realized that the only thing that was missing was someone to share my life with. I hadn’t had much time to sit and brood, but when I did, my thoughts turned to Ryan. I still wondered what had happened between us; or rather, what hadn’t. We had that magical time together, and just as quickly, it was over.
I was grateful for the time we shared and that he had helped me to live again. My life would be much different if I hadn’t met him. I might never have pulled myself back up and found this great job. I don’t know what direction my life would have taken..
But I wondered if he still lived in the area. I ran my errands the way I always had before, and never ran into him. I couldn’t imagine that he had moved away; that house had been his dream, and it was all him. I even visited my favorite beach on occasion to work through a tough assignment or to clear my head. I will admit to hoping he would appear, and at the same time, relieved that he hadn’t. What would I say to him? I had actually spent time thinking about it.
‘Thanks for not calling.’
No, that wouldn’t be right.
‘So, how’ve you been?’
Nope, not that either. Casual wouldn’t work.
I honestly didn’t know what I would say, so maybe it was better that I hadn’t seen him. We’d both moved on with our lives, but I would always wonder what had happened.
My married friends occasionally had dinner parties, and always had a ‘guy for me’ there. They were nice enough, but I found myself comparing all of them to Ryan, and they could never measure up. Ryan was a fantasy, and no man would ever fit that criteria. Besides, I was content with the way things were, right?
I sighed a deep sigh and unpacked the rest of my stuff, took a shower, dried my hair, pulled on my pajamas and crawled into bed. I was exhausted and fell into a sound sleep.
…………………………………………..
The alarm went off at five a.m. in Ryan’s bedroom. He moaned his dissent and swung his legs over the side of the bed, forcing his body into a sitting position. He had to sit up because he couldn’t use the snooze button to catch a few more z’s. He wasn’t one of those people. He’d sleep until noon.
He never should have stayed up so late, he thought as he stretched his still sleeping muscles. The latest project had been a resounding success, and all the guys on the crew had insisted they go out to celebrate, so he went, but he never planned on staying late. He had finally extricated himself around one and the walk home, although wise considering his alcohol intake, only served to wake him up again. The last time he had seen the clock, it was two-thirty. Two and a half hours of sleep, and a busy day ahead of him. Even being a morning person wouldn’t help him today.
He stood and stretched again before jumping into the shower. It was there that his mind drifted to thoughts of Frankie. He thought of her often. His memories were happy ones, but they were tinged with regret and sadness.
He didn’t know what had happened. He thought they had something worth keeping and building on. But then she had taken the job in L.A., and hadn’t even thought to consider his feelings. She hadn’t even asked him what he thought; she just presented it as a done deal. He knew then that she hadn’t felt the same about him that he had about her. She was the first woman in a long time that actually had him considering the possibility of a long term commitment, although he had never said it out loud. Good thing, he admitted to himself. How embarrassing would that have been; to suggest living together or even marriage, and to have her shoot him down in favor of a job?
He stepped out of the shower and dressed for the day in his ‘I’m gonna get dirty today’ clothes, and went to the kitchen, where the well-timed coffee was already waiting. He poured himself a cup and reached for his well worn work boots, pulling them on between sips.
He wondered if she had found happiness in L.A. Had she met someone? Was the job what she really needed to complete her life?
He chastised himself for spending so much time thinking about her. Stop it - he told himself - you’re wasting time on someone that obviously didn’t want you enough to stay in town. She didn’t think enough of you to even ask how you felt about her moving. He shook his head vigorously in an attempt to remove the thoughts.
He poured the rest of the coffee into his travel mug and headed for the door, closed and locked it behind him, then jumped into his truck to start his day.
………………………
I woke up the next day filled with ideas for my current project, so I practically ran downstairs to get coffee, then headed out to my deck with my laptop to get them down before they faded away with the morning fog. It looked like rain, but so far the drops hadn’t found their way down to the ground, so I settled in to get some more work done before even getting dressed.
The morning flew by; there was no clock outside and I had barely noticed the one on my laptop. If it hadn’t been for the coffee kicking in, inspiring me to need the bathroom, I would never have noticed that it was almost noon, and the sky had darkened considerably. So I closed up shop and headed inside before the heavens opened.
I had accomplished a lot in a short time; it was one of the best things about this job. When the mood struck me, I could crank out results quickly. When it didn’t, the times that I worked like a maniac more than made up for it.
My plan for the day was to go and restock the fridge. I had let that slide, being so busy, and now that it was raining, I was in the mood to cook. Soup maybe, or a stew. So I went upstairs, dressed quickly and headed out in the misty beginnings of a storm to the supermarket.
……………………………………….
After finishing some paperwork at the office which took most of the morning, Ryan headed for the job site, then realized that he had promised muffins or donuts for the for the guys as thanks for all their hard work. So he made a left turn and headed for the best baked goods in town - located inside the local supermarket.
He arrived and headed straight for the bakery section, then strolled back and forth in front of the display, trying to decide what looked good. He finally made his decision, asking the clerk for crumb cakes and apple turnovers in equal amounts, then took his purchases to the check out line. He reached for his wallet, and a recently acquired business card fell to the ground. He bent down to pick it up, and when he stood up again, there she was.
Frankie. Two rows down. He couldn’t help but stare; was it her? He kept his eyes on her, trying to confirm what he was seeing. She was wearing a baseball cap so he couldn’t be sure. But she must have felt his eyes on her because her eyes turned to meet his.
Their eyes locked for a split second, and he could swear he saw hers well up with tears. She turned her head away and headed out the door quickly, with a quick backwards glance. Was she running from him?
He was tempted to drop his purchases right there, but didn’t want to cause a scene, so he waited his turn, tapping his foot impatiently, then practically threw the money at the cashier and almost ran out the door to follow her. But he was too late. By the time he got out there, she was gone.
He headed back to his truck, ignoring the rain pelting down on his head, and climbed in, still focused on that moment that their eyes met. She looked beautiful, as he had remembered, even in that hat. He had always liked her in hats. He started up the truck and sat there, idling the engine. She moved to L.A.; why would she be shopping here? Was she just visiting? He finally put the truck in gear and drove on, still wondering what she was doing back in town.
…………………………………..
I pulled into my driveway, turned off the motor and just sat there…staring at the rain beating down on the windshield. Ryan…was…..there…. Looking right at me. And I looked back. But did nothing. Except run. As fast as I could.
I finally pulled myself together enough to bring my groceries into the house and put them away, the whole time reminding myself to take deep breaths. But when I was through, and finally sat down, the tears came - in buckets. For all my bravado, and my ‘I don’t need anyone’ posture, it would have been obvious to anyone, including me, that I was a long way from being over Ryan.
I never expected to see him again, although I did want to. I never expected myself to react that way, although I did need to. I needed that good cry, I thought, as I sniffled my way through a few tissues. He saw me and stared right at me, but didn’t say a word. I guess I was grateful that he didn’t; if he had, I might have broken down in the middle of the store. This way I could fall apart in peace.
Once I had collected myself, I decided to continue my original plan and cook. I had purchased the makings for stew, so I started assembling the ingredients, hoping to keep the tears that threatened to return at bay. I turned on the radio to my favorite oldies station, and found myself bopping around the kitchen to the music. I was almost finished getting everything into the pot when the phone rang. I opted to let the machine answer it; after all, during the day, it was all about the solicitor phone call, and I wasn’t about to let that ruin the mood I had been able to establish.
The music was loud so I couldn’t hear whatever message was left, and I ignored the fact that one was there while I completed my preparations. When I was officially done, and the stew was simmering on the stove, I went to the living room and hit play. I heard the voice and had to sit down.
“Frankie? It’s Ryan.”
His voice. It was the same. And it did something to me.
“Hey, I know it’s been a while. I saw you today in the supermarket. I thought we might get together and catch up. How about lunch sometime? You name the time and place and I’ll be there.”
I sat stunned in my chair. He sounded sincere, and yet it was like we were college roommates or something; like we could reminisce about the fun we had and part company again. I couldn’t believe it. I knew I had to meet him, if only to speak my mind about what happened, and to tell him what I thought of him dropping me like a bad habit.
I was simmering with anger at his nonchalance as I got up to check my stew. I had to calm myself down. I stepped out onto the deck into the rain and let it wash over me, soaking me again in the process, but it felt good. I was able to find my way to thinking rationally about it, and made the decision to call him back and set a time to meet him. Was tomorrow too soon? Yes, I reasoned, don’t seem too eager. The next day would be soon enough and would give me time to figure out what I was going to say.
I dialed his number (which was unfortunately still committed to memory) with a shaky hand, silently hoping he wouldn’t be home. He wasn’t and I was relieved. The message came on and I heard his voice. I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts, then left my message:
“Hey, Ryan. Good to hear from you. Lunch sounds nice. How about the sports bar on Thursday? Around one? If you can’t make it, let me know, otherwise I’ll see you then.”
I hung up the phone, hoping that my voice hadn’t quavered too much, or given anything away. I wanted to save it all for when I saw him again.
Thanks to my bestest beta mel39 for her keen eye as always.
A special thanks to 60schic for her counsel and assistance on all fronts....without her, I would still be stuck in what do I do and where do I go now mode. Thanks to her, I'm back into it, and chapters should be a little closer together in coming.
refresh your memory here
Chapter 22
Three months had passed. I had just returned from my monthly meeting, and the job was going very well. John made the decision to reduce the overhead of a big office, and most of the staff worked from home anyway, so all of our personal stuff had been packed for us and moved to the new home base, John’s new house in a residential area near the beach. He took us all there to show it to us. The upstairs was where he lived, and the whole downstairs was a home office, which was really all that was needed. Turns out that someone knew someone who knew someone, and he had gotten a bargain. We all received webcams for future meetings, so that trips to L.A. would be fewer. But there was still enough room for the occasional in-person gathering.
We all had our own specific areas and projects, but were contacted for brainstorming on more than one occasion. I really enjoyed hearing the others’ opinions on my projects, as well as giving input to theirs, which made the webcam even more valuable for group discussions from all over the country. What made it even better was that I loved what I was doing. Some days I worked mornings; other days, evenings. Every once in a while, I’d wake up in the night with an idea, and head to my computer to make sure I didn’t forget it. My time was my own as long as I met the deadlines.
I saw my friends frequently now. We met for dinner mostly or drinks. There was talk of kids and parents and work, and we laughed. A lot. It was almost perfect.
Almost. As I unpacked my duffle bag, I realized that the only thing that was missing was someone to share my life with. I hadn’t had much time to sit and brood, but when I did, my thoughts turned to Ryan. I still wondered what had happened between us; or rather, what hadn’t. We had that magical time together, and just as quickly, it was over.
I was grateful for the time we shared and that he had helped me to live again. My life would be much different if I hadn’t met him. I might never have pulled myself back up and found this great job. I don’t know what direction my life would have taken..
But I wondered if he still lived in the area. I ran my errands the way I always had before, and never ran into him. I couldn’t imagine that he had moved away; that house had been his dream, and it was all him. I even visited my favorite beach on occasion to work through a tough assignment or to clear my head. I will admit to hoping he would appear, and at the same time, relieved that he hadn’t. What would I say to him? I had actually spent time thinking about it.
‘Thanks for not calling.’
No, that wouldn’t be right.
‘So, how’ve you been?’
Nope, not that either. Casual wouldn’t work.
I honestly didn’t know what I would say, so maybe it was better that I hadn’t seen him. We’d both moved on with our lives, but I would always wonder what had happened.
My married friends occasionally had dinner parties, and always had a ‘guy for me’ there. They were nice enough, but I found myself comparing all of them to Ryan, and they could never measure up. Ryan was a fantasy, and no man would ever fit that criteria. Besides, I was content with the way things were, right?
I sighed a deep sigh and unpacked the rest of my stuff, took a shower, dried my hair, pulled on my pajamas and crawled into bed. I was exhausted and fell into a sound sleep.
…………………………………………..
The alarm went off at five a.m. in Ryan’s bedroom. He moaned his dissent and swung his legs over the side of the bed, forcing his body into a sitting position. He had to sit up because he couldn’t use the snooze button to catch a few more z’s. He wasn’t one of those people. He’d sleep until noon.
He never should have stayed up so late, he thought as he stretched his still sleeping muscles. The latest project had been a resounding success, and all the guys on the crew had insisted they go out to celebrate, so he went, but he never planned on staying late. He had finally extricated himself around one and the walk home, although wise considering his alcohol intake, only served to wake him up again. The last time he had seen the clock, it was two-thirty. Two and a half hours of sleep, and a busy day ahead of him. Even being a morning person wouldn’t help him today.
He stood and stretched again before jumping into the shower. It was there that his mind drifted to thoughts of Frankie. He thought of her often. His memories were happy ones, but they were tinged with regret and sadness.
He didn’t know what had happened. He thought they had something worth keeping and building on. But then she had taken the job in L.A., and hadn’t even thought to consider his feelings. She hadn’t even asked him what he thought; she just presented it as a done deal. He knew then that she hadn’t felt the same about him that he had about her. She was the first woman in a long time that actually had him considering the possibility of a long term commitment, although he had never said it out loud. Good thing, he admitted to himself. How embarrassing would that have been; to suggest living together or even marriage, and to have her shoot him down in favor of a job?
He stepped out of the shower and dressed for the day in his ‘I’m gonna get dirty today’ clothes, and went to the kitchen, where the well-timed coffee was already waiting. He poured himself a cup and reached for his well worn work boots, pulling them on between sips.
He wondered if she had found happiness in L.A. Had she met someone? Was the job what she really needed to complete her life?
He chastised himself for spending so much time thinking about her. Stop it - he told himself - you’re wasting time on someone that obviously didn’t want you enough to stay in town. She didn’t think enough of you to even ask how you felt about her moving. He shook his head vigorously in an attempt to remove the thoughts.
He poured the rest of the coffee into his travel mug and headed for the door, closed and locked it behind him, then jumped into his truck to start his day.
………………………
I woke up the next day filled with ideas for my current project, so I practically ran downstairs to get coffee, then headed out to my deck with my laptop to get them down before they faded away with the morning fog. It looked like rain, but so far the drops hadn’t found their way down to the ground, so I settled in to get some more work done before even getting dressed.
The morning flew by; there was no clock outside and I had barely noticed the one on my laptop. If it hadn’t been for the coffee kicking in, inspiring me to need the bathroom, I would never have noticed that it was almost noon, and the sky had darkened considerably. So I closed up shop and headed inside before the heavens opened.
I had accomplished a lot in a short time; it was one of the best things about this job. When the mood struck me, I could crank out results quickly. When it didn’t, the times that I worked like a maniac more than made up for it.
My plan for the day was to go and restock the fridge. I had let that slide, being so busy, and now that it was raining, I was in the mood to cook. Soup maybe, or a stew. So I went upstairs, dressed quickly and headed out in the misty beginnings of a storm to the supermarket.
……………………………………….
After finishing some paperwork at the office which took most of the morning, Ryan headed for the job site, then realized that he had promised muffins or donuts for the for the guys as thanks for all their hard work. So he made a left turn and headed for the best baked goods in town - located inside the local supermarket.
He arrived and headed straight for the bakery section, then strolled back and forth in front of the display, trying to decide what looked good. He finally made his decision, asking the clerk for crumb cakes and apple turnovers in equal amounts, then took his purchases to the check out line. He reached for his wallet, and a recently acquired business card fell to the ground. He bent down to pick it up, and when he stood up again, there she was.
Frankie. Two rows down. He couldn’t help but stare; was it her? He kept his eyes on her, trying to confirm what he was seeing. She was wearing a baseball cap so he couldn’t be sure. But she must have felt his eyes on her because her eyes turned to meet his.
Their eyes locked for a split second, and he could swear he saw hers well up with tears. She turned her head away and headed out the door quickly, with a quick backwards glance. Was she running from him?
He was tempted to drop his purchases right there, but didn’t want to cause a scene, so he waited his turn, tapping his foot impatiently, then practically threw the money at the cashier and almost ran out the door to follow her. But he was too late. By the time he got out there, she was gone.
He headed back to his truck, ignoring the rain pelting down on his head, and climbed in, still focused on that moment that their eyes met. She looked beautiful, as he had remembered, even in that hat. He had always liked her in hats. He started up the truck and sat there, idling the engine. She moved to L.A.; why would she be shopping here? Was she just visiting? He finally put the truck in gear and drove on, still wondering what she was doing back in town.
…………………………………..
I pulled into my driveway, turned off the motor and just sat there…staring at the rain beating down on the windshield. Ryan…was…..there…. Looking right at me. And I looked back. But did nothing. Except run. As fast as I could.
I finally pulled myself together enough to bring my groceries into the house and put them away, the whole time reminding myself to take deep breaths. But when I was through, and finally sat down, the tears came - in buckets. For all my bravado, and my ‘I don’t need anyone’ posture, it would have been obvious to anyone, including me, that I was a long way from being over Ryan.
I never expected to see him again, although I did want to. I never expected myself to react that way, although I did need to. I needed that good cry, I thought, as I sniffled my way through a few tissues. He saw me and stared right at me, but didn’t say a word. I guess I was grateful that he didn’t; if he had, I might have broken down in the middle of the store. This way I could fall apart in peace.
Once I had collected myself, I decided to continue my original plan and cook. I had purchased the makings for stew, so I started assembling the ingredients, hoping to keep the tears that threatened to return at bay. I turned on the radio to my favorite oldies station, and found myself bopping around the kitchen to the music. I was almost finished getting everything into the pot when the phone rang. I opted to let the machine answer it; after all, during the day, it was all about the solicitor phone call, and I wasn’t about to let that ruin the mood I had been able to establish.
The music was loud so I couldn’t hear whatever message was left, and I ignored the fact that one was there while I completed my preparations. When I was officially done, and the stew was simmering on the stove, I went to the living room and hit play. I heard the voice and had to sit down.
“Frankie? It’s Ryan.”
His voice. It was the same. And it did something to me.
“Hey, I know it’s been a while. I saw you today in the supermarket. I thought we might get together and catch up. How about lunch sometime? You name the time and place and I’ll be there.”
I sat stunned in my chair. He sounded sincere, and yet it was like we were college roommates or something; like we could reminisce about the fun we had and part company again. I couldn’t believe it. I knew I had to meet him, if only to speak my mind about what happened, and to tell him what I thought of him dropping me like a bad habit.
I was simmering with anger at his nonchalance as I got up to check my stew. I had to calm myself down. I stepped out onto the deck into the rain and let it wash over me, soaking me again in the process, but it felt good. I was able to find my way to thinking rationally about it, and made the decision to call him back and set a time to meet him. Was tomorrow too soon? Yes, I reasoned, don’t seem too eager. The next day would be soon enough and would give me time to figure out what I was going to say.
I dialed his number (which was unfortunately still committed to memory) with a shaky hand, silently hoping he wouldn’t be home. He wasn’t and I was relieved. The message came on and I heard his voice. I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts, then left my message:
“Hey, Ryan. Good to hear from you. Lunch sounds nice. How about the sports bar on Thursday? Around one? If you can’t make it, let me know, otherwise I’ll see you then.”
I hung up the phone, hoping that my voice hadn’t quavered too much, or given anything away. I wanted to save it all for when I saw him again.