Till I am myself again

Feb 24, 2006 05:58

I am sitting here waiting for gram to wake up. I am trying to get back in my normal routine of waking up early again. I’ve been so behind since being sick that it’s taking me a long time to get back to where I was. With each passing day I am getting a little more energy. I just can’t wait until I’m off those darn antibiotics. They are killing me totally. I need to get back into working out again also. I gained 5 pounds already from sitting on my arse way too much. Not good I tell you!! Headaches are another thing I have to work on. Every day I have one now. GRRRR As I write this, there is one coming on.

I suppose I should write about the REAL reason I’ve been in a really depressed mood. My husband decided to take the oil rig course. He has been gone for 3 days now and I’m missing him like crazy already. Damn I hate that. It’s the little things. Like when I get up in the morning, there are no coffee stains anywhere on the counter or floor. The cooking stove, there are no bacon drippings. No fingerprints on the bathroom mirror. No clothes lying around. That little stupid stuff that annoyed me like crazy I am missing. I miss him terribly and when he goes out west it will be worse. Right now he doesn’t know where he will be located. The course is extremely hard and he had to study last night because he was having a test today. I know my husband will excel at this. He is extremely intelligent, though he doesn’t seem to think so. One thing about me is I have always been attracted to extremely intelligent men. If you don’t have brains, don’t even bother . I know, awful of me eh? Sometimes I think I have more confidence in my hub than what he has in himself. It will be hard and he told me Monday evening that I may have to come out west and stay. The thing with the oil rig business is you have to work extremely hard to get promoted. 12 hours days, 7 days a week and a good year to prove yourself. My hub is used to this when he goes lobstering and fishing but it’s not year round. The home care worker seems to think my hub isn’t capable of this. I disagree! We had his discussion yesterday with me crying in between. (Is there anything you can do to keep from crying all the time? Please let me know if there is. I’m driving myself batty here.) The thing is I know my husband has it in him. I think the home care worker doesn’t want to see me leave here. Gram cried yesterday while I was in town. When I arrived home the home care worker told me this. I think it has more to do with me leaving than my hub going away. The thing is, if I leave Gram has no one and she is just beginning to realize this I beleive. Even if they do put her in a nursing home, who will visit? They don’t come and see her now for Pete’s sake. The sad part is if my hub wants me to go out west and stay I will go. I don’t care what the family says; it’s not their choice, its mine. We will not know anything, until hub goes out and finds out where the jobs are. We will be another 10 grand in the hole but what do you do?? I told gram we really have to budget tight here and she has to help out some. The home care lady said if I needed anything to just ask. I thought that was very kind of her. She knows exactly what we are going though here financially and I appreciate the fact that she cares and listens to both gram and I. I told her that I may soon be heading to the crazy ward if I soon don’t get a grip on this crying and depression. I don’t even want to go outside the house anymore. Yesterday in town I found it so hard to even talk and be friendly. I just have to get my head around this and try to carry on. I have made a list of what I need, grocery wise and everything in my cupboard was counted. I told gram she will be eating a lot of rice instead of potatoes. Rice is cheap and you can get it in bulk. We need to live without money coming in this house for about 7 weeks. Thank god for visas eh?? It will be that long until hub makes any money at all. This is freaking me out but I’ve gone through this so much the last 4 years that I don’t even know why I am worrying anymore. We will adjust! I mean we never had any money coming in since lobstering. That was back in the first week of January. Now, how to curb my overeating because I’m depressed?? When I am emotionally upset I eat, A LOT. I have been eating way too much because emotionally I’m a mess. Give me strength!!! Any suggestions??

Please note, that I have not been myself these past weeks so bear with me. It may be awhile!! I am finding it hard to write e-mails back and even talk to anyone. Not good!!

BLUE RODEO: TILL I AM MYSELF AGAIN

I want to know where my confidence went

one day it all disappeared.

And I'm lying in a hotel room miles away

voices next door in my ear.

Daytime's a drag nighttime's worse,

hope that I can get home soon.

But the half-finished bottles of inspiration

lie like ghosts in my room

I wanna go, I know I can't stay,

but I don't want to run feeling this way

till I am myself again, till I am myself again

There's a seat on the corner I keep every night

wait till the evening begins.

I feel like a stranger from another world

but at least I'm living again.

There are nights full of anger words that are thrown

tempers that are shattered and thin

and the moments of magic are just too short

they're over before they begin

I know it's time one big step

I can't go I'm not ready yet

till I am myself again, till I am myself again

I had a dream that my house was on fire

people laughed while it burned.

I tried to run but my legs were numb

I had to wait till the feeling returned

I don't need a doctor to figure it out

I know what's passing me by

when I look in the mirror sometimes I see

traces of some other guy

I wanna go, I know I can't stay,

but I don't want to run feeling this way

till I am myself again, till I am myself again

till I am myself again
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