On Children and the lack thereof
Here is a post that's been a while in the writing, and longer in the thinking. It's about people who have kids, people who don't, and the dickery that many of each group seem to sling at each other. The post is long, and I half-expect flak for it. Nevertheless, I would like people to read it. I think it's important.
I'm not naming names because although I'm concerned to discuss the issue with regard to people as individuals, this isn't actually directed at any one or any few particular individuals. It's something I keep coming across from various sources. If you think I'm talking to you, well, maybe in the end I am, but if I am it's more likely to be because you do these things, not because I had you in mind while I was writing. None of us are innocent in this, I suspect. I've been annoyed at the parent with the screaming kid on public transport, and I've sighed despairingly over the fourteen-year-old who's trying for a baby. Those are both bad things to have done.
I should say that I write this from the perspective of a white, middle-class, cisgendered, female bisexual student of 21, who has not had children, but would someday like them. Labels are (as I'll say) often counterproductive, but I think here they're indicated. I've tried to avoid letting this colour my writing too much, but I'd have to be ludicrously optimistic to suppose I'd actually managed it. Rest assured I am aware of these influences. :) These caveats in place:
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You know something that really pisses me off, which keeps coming around to haunt me again? People who don't want or like children thinking that this makes it OK to be dicks to people who do. I don't think it's OK for people who want kids to be dicks to those who don't, either. I don't think everyone "should" reproduce. I don't judge people who don't want to. I fully support everyone's right to make their own decisions about such things. I don't think that being married with kids is the One True Way. I don't think that Kids Magically Make Everyone Happy. I don't think that people with kids are "better" than people without. I have never to my knowledge expressed any of these opinions to anyone, on account of not holding them. Those are stupid things to think. Anyone who thinks these things about any individual is, in my opinion, a bigoted idiot.
But I do think that the manner in which attitudes are sometimes aired on this issue are unacceptable. If you actively never want to reproduce, you are in a minority across the population. Fine. Since when does this make it acceptable to be rude and frankly offensive towards people who don't share this choice and who aren't having a go at you about it? Don't get me wrong, I fully support telling people who are being dickheads about it exactly where to go. But assuming that because I want kids I support all the stupid sentiments above, despite never having expressed them and indeed having expressed the opposite, and still being an ass to me for wanting kids when you hate kids? That's just not on. That's called prejudice, and it's unfair and unnecessary. (Incidentally, I actually seem to be in a minority within my social circle for actively wanting to reproduce, which is interesting. I'm also made to feel selfish, dirty, judged, unwelcome, freakish and simultaneously oppressive of those who don't want any for wanting children, by various people. This is no more fair than it would be of me to have a go at them.)
There are ways in which this society is supportive of me if I want to have kids, and not of you if you don't. Having kids is a Good Thing in this country (unless you're too young, or too old, or too poor, or too single, or too gay, and a host of other caveats), and is assumed to be something that people - and by people I mean women - want to do This makes a decision to not have kids a bastard, to the extent of the NHS refusing an elective hysterectomy til you're a certain age because "you might change your mind"* (and I completely see how assuming that kids Must Be That Important To You is patronising and insulting.) Deciding not to have kids is not endorsed by this society, or certainly not if you're a woman. It is not an easy decision and will get you flak and get you Judged. This is shit and should change.
However, deciding to have kids - particularly if you're a woman - is not a walk in the park either. If Society thinks I'm too young, old, poor, uneducated, stupid, single or gay, I'll get Judged for that decision at very great length, by just about everyone. If I decide to be a stay-at-home mother and look after my children full-time, I will be Not A Feminist; I will be seen as a vegetable; I will lose my income; I will significantly damage my future job prospects; I will be seen as capitulating to male supremacy; I will have little economic power of my own; if I don't have a partner who's earning I'll be scraping a life off benefits. On the other hand, if I decide I want a career alongside children, I will be Judged for being selfish; abandoning my children; not being a Real Woman; I will still be putting my career in jeopardy by having the temerity to need maternity leave; being irresponsible; and, patronisingly, "wanting to have it all", as though this is some sort of crime. Can't win. Men have an added Judgement of "is henpecked/isn't a Real Man" added on if they want to stay at home with the kids, though I can't comment much further. This is also shit and should change.
I haven't even got onto the amount of hassle, work, stress, responsibility and expense (dear God, the expense!) that kids are. I'm not a parent, but from everything I've gathered it's basically impossible for parents of young kids to have a social life, even without their friends judging and shunning them for deciding to reproduce. I'm not saying that deciding not to have kids isn't a difficult choice to maintain and doesn't get people lots of flak when it shouldn't. But having children isn't a soft option either, guys. Particularly not for a woman. As with many things in this fucked-up society of ours, if you're a woman you basically can't win, no matter what you do.
Another thing! Mocking women or depictions of women who are distressed that they can't conceive is Not Cool. Yes, it's an unjustified assumption that a woman's fertility is always the be-all and end-all for her. And that's a stupid and shitty assumption, because people are different and their views differ. The assumption deserves to be critically judged. But judging *her* and taking the piss out of *her* for it? That's roughly the same level of asshattery as it would be for me to go "Ooh, they won't give you a hysterectomy because they think you might want babies even though you know you don't? Why are you making such a song and dance? Having a uterus isn't the end of the world you know! Get a grip!"* That is, extreme asshattery. There's just no need for it. There are things that one person doesn't give a shit about that for someone else is a dealbreaker or the one thing they feel they need to be happy.
Let me reiterate: I do not dispute that people who decide not to reproduce are in a minority and get a lot of thoroughly unjustified shit for that decision. This is not a "My problems are bigger than your problems" competition. It's not a "You should put up and shut up so I can continue being validated by society". It isn't a "I have problems too so stop whining", and nor is it "I have problems so that makes it OK for me to oppress you." None of these attitudes are helpful, nor are they ones I hold or intend to express.
What I do say is that the fact that those choosing never to reproduce get flak doesn't make it OK for them to give me flak for wanting to reproduce. I haven't given them any flak. I'm not even talking blog posts here - I can choose to read those or not - I'm talking conversation. It wouldn't be OK for me to say "Ugh, I hate it when people don't love babies" around people who dislike children and already get shit for not wanting them. Why do people seem to think it's OK to rant at length about how much they loathe children even being in the same house as them, around people who have children or want them? It's simply rude and hurtful. We're not talking choice of wallpaper or taste in food here. Deciding never to have kids is a major aspect of a person's life; deciding to have them is just as major. Targeting such a huge, emotionally-laden part of someone's life - whichever choice they've made - and informing them that you hate it is offensive. It just is. It doesn't get less offensive if the person happens to be in a majority with that taste. It might be a bigger dick-move in the context of the social and political landscape for the majority person to do it to the minority, but it doesn't make it less offensive to the individual involved.
People who hate kids are welcome to talk as much as they like about how much they hate kids, people with kids, things kids have touched, whatever. Just have the courtesy not to be a dick by doing it in front of those of us who have or want them. There's no need. It being a minority view means it may need saying, but a simple "I don't ever want children" gets the point across without being rude. Similarly, "I have two kids and like children" gets across the opposite point instead of going "Why do you not like babies you freak, it's just the natural thing to do, how do you think the human race will continue", which is also rude. (Interestingly, my hackles don't rise at "I love not having kids/I love it when it's just adults, because X Y Z". Probably because this is an endorsement of your own choice and your own lifestyle, rather than actively having a go at a cherished part of someone else's. Similarly, "I love kids because X Y Z" may be boring for those who don't like kids, but it isn't having a go at their choice not to have any; rather it's expressing pleasure at their own choice. Boring >>> offensive.)
We're talking individuals here, not amorphous masses of The Childless and The Sprogged-Up. Yes! We're all individuals!** While it may be true to say that "As a bisexual I'm oppressed by straight people", that doesn't make it legit to assume that every straight person I know is oppressing me and to give them crap for it regardless of their actual beliefs and actions. People are people, they're not some blob with a label, some drop in the foetid custard of society. Well, they are those things too, but not when you're interacting with them on an individual basis. I'm not just "A white middle-class feminist bisexual student who wants to spawn." I am all those things; but more importantly, when you're talking to me, I'd like it to be borne in mind that I'm also "Ellie, who is a person, who procrastinates, who loves mashed potato, fancies guys and girls, larps, draws badly, worries about her thoughts, and would quite like kids some day." That is, I'm an entire person. I love, fear, desire, have hopes and dreams and feelings just like you. And you have them too, just like me. We're people. Labels are useful, but why do we keep applying them and judging by them when we're interacting with individuals? It only seems to lead to assumptions and being shitty to each other on the basis of our group membership labels. And that includes lifestyle choices like kids or no kids, not just the more conventional ones like sexuality or gender.
In summary: Guys, let's not be dicks to each other. People who don't want kids need some slack. Let's give it to them. People who have or want kids need some slack too. Let's give it to them too. Let's be considerate of each other and not push our own preferences on others when we can help it.
My friend who hates and is terrified of kids is coming over? Maybe I should be considerate of them and do my best to keep them playing quietly upstairs instead of letting htem run riot and climb on the visitor, or arrange for them to be taken out for the day.
I hate kids and my friend who has a small child and hasn't seen anyone for weeks on end can't lock his away or get a babysitter? Maybe I should be considerate, and acknowledge his efforts not to thrust them on me, and not complain or blame him for the fact that it's insanely hard for him to keep his three-year-old daughter playing quietly in a corner.
I love kids and have a new baby, but my friend can't stand them? Maybe I need to acknowledge that she doesn't want my bundle of joy to drool on her and that getting upset and accusatory when she doesn't want to hold the baby is not fair.
I hate kids and my friend's omnipresent new baby is driving me nuts? Maybe I need to acknowledge that no, actually maybe there isn't an alternative, and maybe she is trying her best to keep it quiet rather than deliberately and maliciously inflicting its cries on me.
TL;DR:
Give and take. Lifestyles and values clash. Let's make an effort to treat each other like people and not like labels; let's try to be considerate to each other, whichever side of the fence we stand on. We all have problems. Let's try and solve the problems instead of slinging stones at each other. That goes for all of us.
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* In case anyone thinks I'm targetting any one individual with this example (I'm not), I'm drawing on my mother's experience with the NHS on this one. She needed a hysterectomy because she was losing truly horrific amounts of blood - in agony - every month. She was 40 and had two kids. The NHS made her wait over a year, not because of waiting lists, but because it would mean the irreversible loss of fertility, even though she had kids, knew she had no intention of having more, and her husband had had a vasectomy.
**"I'm not", etc.
I'm not naming names because although I'm concerned to discuss the issue with regard to people as individuals, this isn't actually directed at any one or any few particular individuals. It's something I keep coming across from various sources. If you think I'm talking to you, well, maybe in the end I am, but if I am it's more likely to be because you do these things, not because I had you in mind while I was writing. None of us are innocent in this, I suspect. I've been annoyed at the parent with the screaming kid on public transport, and I've sighed despairingly over the fourteen-year-old who's trying for a baby. Those are both bad things to have done.
I should say that I write this from the perspective of a white, middle-class, cisgendered, female bisexual student of 21, who has not had children, but would someday like them. Labels are (as I'll say) often counterproductive, but I think here they're indicated. I've tried to avoid letting this colour my writing too much, but I'd have to be ludicrously optimistic to suppose I'd actually managed it. Rest assured I am aware of these influences. :) These caveats in place:
--------------
You know something that really pisses me off, which keeps coming around to haunt me again? People who don't want or like children thinking that this makes it OK to be dicks to people who do. I don't think it's OK for people who want kids to be dicks to those who don't, either. I don't think everyone "should" reproduce. I don't judge people who don't want to. I fully support everyone's right to make their own decisions about such things. I don't think that being married with kids is the One True Way. I don't think that Kids Magically Make Everyone Happy. I don't think that people with kids are "better" than people without. I have never to my knowledge expressed any of these opinions to anyone, on account of not holding them. Those are stupid things to think. Anyone who thinks these things about any individual is, in my opinion, a bigoted idiot.
But I do think that the manner in which attitudes are sometimes aired on this issue are unacceptable. If you actively never want to reproduce, you are in a minority across the population. Fine. Since when does this make it acceptable to be rude and frankly offensive towards people who don't share this choice and who aren't having a go at you about it? Don't get me wrong, I fully support telling people who are being dickheads about it exactly where to go. But assuming that because I want kids I support all the stupid sentiments above, despite never having expressed them and indeed having expressed the opposite, and still being an ass to me for wanting kids when you hate kids? That's just not on. That's called prejudice, and it's unfair and unnecessary. (Incidentally, I actually seem to be in a minority within my social circle for actively wanting to reproduce, which is interesting. I'm also made to feel selfish, dirty, judged, unwelcome, freakish and simultaneously oppressive of those who don't want any for wanting children, by various people. This is no more fair than it would be of me to have a go at them.)
There are ways in which this society is supportive of me if I want to have kids, and not of you if you don't. Having kids is a Good Thing in this country (unless you're too young, or too old, or too poor, or too single, or too gay, and a host of other caveats), and is assumed to be something that people - and by people I mean women - want to do This makes a decision to not have kids a bastard, to the extent of the NHS refusing an elective hysterectomy til you're a certain age because "you might change your mind"* (and I completely see how assuming that kids Must Be That Important To You is patronising and insulting.) Deciding not to have kids is not endorsed by this society, or certainly not if you're a woman. It is not an easy decision and will get you flak and get you Judged. This is shit and should change.
However, deciding to have kids - particularly if you're a woman - is not a walk in the park either. If Society thinks I'm too young, old, poor, uneducated, stupid, single or gay, I'll get Judged for that decision at very great length, by just about everyone. If I decide to be a stay-at-home mother and look after my children full-time, I will be Not A Feminist; I will be seen as a vegetable; I will lose my income; I will significantly damage my future job prospects; I will be seen as capitulating to male supremacy; I will have little economic power of my own; if I don't have a partner who's earning I'll be scraping a life off benefits. On the other hand, if I decide I want a career alongside children, I will be Judged for being selfish; abandoning my children; not being a Real Woman; I will still be putting my career in jeopardy by having the temerity to need maternity leave; being irresponsible; and, patronisingly, "wanting to have it all", as though this is some sort of crime. Can't win. Men have an added Judgement of "is henpecked/isn't a Real Man" added on if they want to stay at home with the kids, though I can't comment much further. This is also shit and should change.
I haven't even got onto the amount of hassle, work, stress, responsibility and expense (dear God, the expense!) that kids are. I'm not a parent, but from everything I've gathered it's basically impossible for parents of young kids to have a social life, even without their friends judging and shunning them for deciding to reproduce. I'm not saying that deciding not to have kids isn't a difficult choice to maintain and doesn't get people lots of flak when it shouldn't. But having children isn't a soft option either, guys. Particularly not for a woman. As with many things in this fucked-up society of ours, if you're a woman you basically can't win, no matter what you do.
Another thing! Mocking women or depictions of women who are distressed that they can't conceive is Not Cool. Yes, it's an unjustified assumption that a woman's fertility is always the be-all and end-all for her. And that's a stupid and shitty assumption, because people are different and their views differ. The assumption deserves to be critically judged. But judging *her* and taking the piss out of *her* for it? That's roughly the same level of asshattery as it would be for me to go "Ooh, they won't give you a hysterectomy because they think you might want babies even though you know you don't? Why are you making such a song and dance? Having a uterus isn't the end of the world you know! Get a grip!"* That is, extreme asshattery. There's just no need for it. There are things that one person doesn't give a shit about that for someone else is a dealbreaker or the one thing they feel they need to be happy.
Let me reiterate: I do not dispute that people who decide not to reproduce are in a minority and get a lot of thoroughly unjustified shit for that decision. This is not a "My problems are bigger than your problems" competition. It's not a "You should put up and shut up so I can continue being validated by society". It isn't a "I have problems too so stop whining", and nor is it "I have problems so that makes it OK for me to oppress you." None of these attitudes are helpful, nor are they ones I hold or intend to express.
What I do say is that the fact that those choosing never to reproduce get flak doesn't make it OK for them to give me flak for wanting to reproduce. I haven't given them any flak. I'm not even talking blog posts here - I can choose to read those or not - I'm talking conversation. It wouldn't be OK for me to say "Ugh, I hate it when people don't love babies" around people who dislike children and already get shit for not wanting them. Why do people seem to think it's OK to rant at length about how much they loathe children even being in the same house as them, around people who have children or want them? It's simply rude and hurtful. We're not talking choice of wallpaper or taste in food here. Deciding never to have kids is a major aspect of a person's life; deciding to have them is just as major. Targeting such a huge, emotionally-laden part of someone's life - whichever choice they've made - and informing them that you hate it is offensive. It just is. It doesn't get less offensive if the person happens to be in a majority with that taste. It might be a bigger dick-move in the context of the social and political landscape for the majority person to do it to the minority, but it doesn't make it less offensive to the individual involved.
People who hate kids are welcome to talk as much as they like about how much they hate kids, people with kids, things kids have touched, whatever. Just have the courtesy not to be a dick by doing it in front of those of us who have or want them. There's no need. It being a minority view means it may need saying, but a simple "I don't ever want children" gets the point across without being rude. Similarly, "I have two kids and like children" gets across the opposite point instead of going "Why do you not like babies you freak, it's just the natural thing to do, how do you think the human race will continue", which is also rude. (Interestingly, my hackles don't rise at "I love not having kids/I love it when it's just adults, because X Y Z". Probably because this is an endorsement of your own choice and your own lifestyle, rather than actively having a go at a cherished part of someone else's. Similarly, "I love kids because X Y Z" may be boring for those who don't like kids, but it isn't having a go at their choice not to have any; rather it's expressing pleasure at their own choice. Boring >>> offensive.)
We're talking individuals here, not amorphous masses of The Childless and The Sprogged-Up. Yes! We're all individuals!** While it may be true to say that "As a bisexual I'm oppressed by straight people", that doesn't make it legit to assume that every straight person I know is oppressing me and to give them crap for it regardless of their actual beliefs and actions. People are people, they're not some blob with a label, some drop in the foetid custard of society. Well, they are those things too, but not when you're interacting with them on an individual basis. I'm not just "A white middle-class feminist bisexual student who wants to spawn." I am all those things; but more importantly, when you're talking to me, I'd like it to be borne in mind that I'm also "Ellie, who is a person, who procrastinates, who loves mashed potato, fancies guys and girls, larps, draws badly, worries about her thoughts, and would quite like kids some day." That is, I'm an entire person. I love, fear, desire, have hopes and dreams and feelings just like you. And you have them too, just like me. We're people. Labels are useful, but why do we keep applying them and judging by them when we're interacting with individuals? It only seems to lead to assumptions and being shitty to each other on the basis of our group membership labels. And that includes lifestyle choices like kids or no kids, not just the more conventional ones like sexuality or gender.
In summary: Guys, let's not be dicks to each other. People who don't want kids need some slack. Let's give it to them. People who have or want kids need some slack too. Let's give it to them too. Let's be considerate of each other and not push our own preferences on others when we can help it.
My friend who hates and is terrified of kids is coming over? Maybe I should be considerate of them and do my best to keep them playing quietly upstairs instead of letting htem run riot and climb on the visitor, or arrange for them to be taken out for the day.
I hate kids and my friend who has a small child and hasn't seen anyone for weeks on end can't lock his away or get a babysitter? Maybe I should be considerate, and acknowledge his efforts not to thrust them on me, and not complain or blame him for the fact that it's insanely hard for him to keep his three-year-old daughter playing quietly in a corner.
I love kids and have a new baby, but my friend can't stand them? Maybe I need to acknowledge that she doesn't want my bundle of joy to drool on her and that getting upset and accusatory when she doesn't want to hold the baby is not fair.
I hate kids and my friend's omnipresent new baby is driving me nuts? Maybe I need to acknowledge that no, actually maybe there isn't an alternative, and maybe she is trying her best to keep it quiet rather than deliberately and maliciously inflicting its cries on me.
TL;DR:
Give and take. Lifestyles and values clash. Let's make an effort to treat each other like people and not like labels; let's try to be considerate to each other, whichever side of the fence we stand on. We all have problems. Let's try and solve the problems instead of slinging stones at each other. That goes for all of us.
---------
* In case anyone thinks I'm targetting any one individual with this example (I'm not), I'm drawing on my mother's experience with the NHS on this one. She needed a hysterectomy because she was losing truly horrific amounts of blood - in agony - every month. She was 40 and had two kids. The NHS made her wait over a year, not because of waiting lists, but because it would mean the irreversible loss of fertility, even though she had kids, knew she had no intention of having more, and her husband had had a vasectomy.
**"I'm not", etc.