Some self-analysis and honesty. 'Cause I think I need to post this.
So. This is a long post. Um. I'm not putting this in a cut, because considering the subject-matter, that would count as being cowardly and defeat the whole point of this, which is that anyone and everyone can see me for what I am, if they look. Scroll right on by if you're not interested in me taking a hard look in the proverbial mirror. Here I am saying all sorts of things I am not allowed to say because I am afraid of what people will think of me. But I am an adult now and it is time that I found the balls to say them anyway.
Sorry for clogging your friendspages. I won't do it again. I just need to do it this once.
Navel-gazing, scroll right on by if not interested.
I have... confidence issues, I guess you could say. Except it's such a lot more complicated than that. Once, I had bags of confidence. Before year 10 or 11, I was well self-confident. And then, a few people (including my mother) made a few comments that I was a bit arrogant. Perhaps they were deserved, perhaps they weren't. But that made me look at myself, and I thought that maybe that was why lots of people didn't like me. (It probably was. I was outspoken, and my way of dealing with people teasing me for being different was to studiously cultivate different values, and champion them aggressively/be aggressively 'I don't give a fuck about *your* ideals' when my contemporaries commented on my not wearing makeup, or tucking my shirt in, or whatever. Which... isn't the best way of endearing yourself to people, all things considered.)
So, I decided to reform. I looked at things I wasn't good at, and I started pointing them out. If I got a good mark, it was 'Eh, I'd read the text before, so it was a bit of a cheat really.' Or 'Eh, I got lucky.' Then I got criticised for not being able to accept a compliment gracefully, and making the compliment-giver feel awkward. So I would smile, say thanks, try to seem embarrassed and modest, and go 'Still can't catch though. :)'
So I got paranoid about people thinking I was arrogant, and constantly doing down my own achievments didn't exactly work wonders for my confidence over a few years. I wasn't - still am not - allowed to be proud of my own achievments, no matter how big they are, or how hard I worked for them. This feeds into other stuff. I am terrified of people thinking that I'm showing off. Even more so of people thinking that I think I'm better at things than I really am. And of people thinking I'm vain.
It's all a bit meta, really. I have confidence in my looks. Been told I was pretty all my life. I mean, sure there's stuff I'd change, but overall I'm very happy. I've learnt to not wear makeup even when I'm having a bad skin week/month/life. Hell, I'm even at peace with having small breasts, which used to hugely bug me. But I'm... not allowed to let on, because then people will think I am arrogant and not like me. Or worse, pretend to like me and secretly despise me. So I'm not allowed to admit that I like the way I look. I'm not allowed to deliberately show it off, either - if I do make an effort, it shouldn't be anything that will turn heads in a crowd for being different, because that is showing off, and then people will despise me for being vain and arrogant.
Which is bullshit. So let it be said:
I THINK THAT I AM SLIM, BEAUTIFUL, HAVE NICE HAIR AND AM GENERALLY FUCKING GORGEOUS. NOT TO EVERYONE'S TASTE OF COURSE, BUT THAT IS NOT A REFLECTION ON ME. I LIKE TO TAKE PRIDE IN MY APPEARANCE, BECAUSE FRANKLY IT IS WORTH TAKING PRIDE IN.
And that is the hardest thing I have ever had to write in my entire life. No joke. I'm sweating. I can't go into specifics, that's too scary. Maybe another time.
It happens again with intelligence or talent. I am not allowed to think that I am talented, or good at things, or clever, or capable. This is arrogant, and then people will despise me. (Cambridge doesn't help either, really, with its REALLY HIGH STANDARDS. The fact that I thought this humbling influence would be *good* for me when I came here - and that I still catch myself thinking this - probably says something.) Writing is something else I'm not allowed to be anything other than embarrassed and scared to show people. I must not, under any circumstances, think any work I have done myself is good. Knitting? 'Eh, it's just an exericise in following instructions.' Sewing? Same thing. Singing? Fuck off am I allowed to think I'm any shitting good at that. 'I like to think I can hold a tune, but I don't know what I'm doing' is as close as I am allowed to get with singing.
This is... all bollocks too, really. Because fuck it, I *am* good at things. So again, let it be said:
I AM CLEVER. I KNOW I AM CLEVER. VERY CLEVER.
I SEEM TO BE PRETTY GOOD AT SEWING AND KNITTING AND STUFF COMPARED TO MOST PEOPLE, AT LEAST.
I LIKE MY SINGING VOICE. I THINK IT IS PRETTY DAMN GOOD, AND I LOVE SINGING, BUT I AM AFRAID OF DOING IT IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE IN CASE THEY DON'T AGREE, AND THEN I WOULD FEEL LIKE SHIT AND NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO DO IT AGAIN.
I THINK THAT I AM GOOD AT WRITING. I, uh, I... can't do this in capitals. It's too scary. Because I'm so scared of people thinking the stuff I write is crap, even though *I* enjoy reading what I've written, oh Jesus I'm an arogant cow. Talk about masturbatory. BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT FUCK OFF NOW THANK YOU
And... despise me if you will. Uh. Crying now.
SO. Um. There's all that shite. And then there's the other side of the coin: I am afraid of failing at things. Because if I try something, and turn out not to be very good at it, then people will think that I see myself as better at it than I really am. And that is arrogant and deluded, and then they will despise me. Oh yeah, also: I TAKE PRIDE IN THINKING I KNOW MYSELF WELL. Which... doesn't help my confidence much I guess, 'cause I end up looking at all the negatives.
... Drifted off-topic there a bit. So I am deathly afraid of trying new things, in case I fail at them. I'm used to being good at things, or at least, not bad. Failing in front of other people terrifies me. So I laugh and put myself down a lot, and do silly things, to make people think I don't mind looking a fool, and don't take myself too SRSLY. Because then, if/when I fail, they won't think I was overestimating my ability, they'll just go 'Yay, Ellie is not afraid to make a tit of herself even though she knows she is, yay Ellie.' Right? Uh. It seems to work. But it... isn't exactly healthy. I don't *like* looking silly. I'm *not* that kind of extrovert in most moods. Sure, I like being in touch with my inner child and doing silly things just because they're fun. If it's overtly silly, that's fine. Just... looking silly while actually trying to do something is terrifying. Take ICE. I tried it, but I had a miserable time because I was so afraid of people thinking I was completely unfunny that I *was* completely unfunny, and then I felt like shit.
And then... those two sides of the coin work together, to mix my metaphors, and result in a sort of... enforced mediocrity. Confidence is somehow unseemly in me, even though someone who complains about being rubbish is much more annoying than a confident person. I am not allowed to let myself be openly good at things, because that is showing off and arrogant. But I am not allowed to be bad at them either, because that's... well, failure. So I've learnt to try and be OK at things. Not good, not bad. Just OK, above average but not remarkable, and I must absolutely not take any pride at all in being above average. If at all possible I must doubt my abilities completely.
Which is... actually kind of tragic, I think. Because... this is an Honesty Poast (TM). And I am not 'OK' at lots of things. I could... I could be fucking fantastic at a number of things if I were allowed to be and worked at it. I have so much fucking potential. So much talent. So many sodding gifts that lots of people would give their eye-teeth for, and I'm not allowed to make the most of them and let them shine. I'm not allowed to let the world know that, or admit that I know it myself. And that's... that's criminal.
Sometimes I think my life is a lie that I keep telling so that people won't hate me for being an obnoxious little cow.
But it's holding me back, and I know it is. I don't know what to do about it. But maybe posting this in all its bare-faced honesty will help. Maybe. I don't know. I'm scared.
But, you know, despise me if you will. Just... please tell me if you do. I don't want to annoy people. And then I can, um, lie a bit more around you so that I don't.
Sorry for clogging your friendspages. I won't do it again. I just need to do it this once.
Navel-gazing, scroll right on by if not interested.
I have... confidence issues, I guess you could say. Except it's such a lot more complicated than that. Once, I had bags of confidence. Before year 10 or 11, I was well self-confident. And then, a few people (including my mother) made a few comments that I was a bit arrogant. Perhaps they were deserved, perhaps they weren't. But that made me look at myself, and I thought that maybe that was why lots of people didn't like me. (It probably was. I was outspoken, and my way of dealing with people teasing me for being different was to studiously cultivate different values, and champion them aggressively/be aggressively 'I don't give a fuck about *your* ideals' when my contemporaries commented on my not wearing makeup, or tucking my shirt in, or whatever. Which... isn't the best way of endearing yourself to people, all things considered.)
So, I decided to reform. I looked at things I wasn't good at, and I started pointing them out. If I got a good mark, it was 'Eh, I'd read the text before, so it was a bit of a cheat really.' Or 'Eh, I got lucky.' Then I got criticised for not being able to accept a compliment gracefully, and making the compliment-giver feel awkward. So I would smile, say thanks, try to seem embarrassed and modest, and go 'Still can't catch though. :)'
So I got paranoid about people thinking I was arrogant, and constantly doing down my own achievments didn't exactly work wonders for my confidence over a few years. I wasn't - still am not - allowed to be proud of my own achievments, no matter how big they are, or how hard I worked for them. This feeds into other stuff. I am terrified of people thinking that I'm showing off. Even more so of people thinking that I think I'm better at things than I really am. And of people thinking I'm vain.
It's all a bit meta, really. I have confidence in my looks. Been told I was pretty all my life. I mean, sure there's stuff I'd change, but overall I'm very happy. I've learnt to not wear makeup even when I'm having a bad skin week/month/life. Hell, I'm even at peace with having small breasts, which used to hugely bug me. But I'm... not allowed to let on, because then people will think I am arrogant and not like me. Or worse, pretend to like me and secretly despise me. So I'm not allowed to admit that I like the way I look. I'm not allowed to deliberately show it off, either - if I do make an effort, it shouldn't be anything that will turn heads in a crowd for being different, because that is showing off, and then people will despise me for being vain and arrogant.
Which is bullshit. So let it be said:
I THINK THAT I AM SLIM, BEAUTIFUL, HAVE NICE HAIR AND AM GENERALLY FUCKING GORGEOUS. NOT TO EVERYONE'S TASTE OF COURSE, BUT THAT IS NOT A REFLECTION ON ME. I LIKE TO TAKE PRIDE IN MY APPEARANCE, BECAUSE FRANKLY IT IS WORTH TAKING PRIDE IN.
And that is the hardest thing I have ever had to write in my entire life. No joke. I'm sweating. I can't go into specifics, that's too scary. Maybe another time.
It happens again with intelligence or talent. I am not allowed to think that I am talented, or good at things, or clever, or capable. This is arrogant, and then people will despise me. (Cambridge doesn't help either, really, with its REALLY HIGH STANDARDS. The fact that I thought this humbling influence would be *good* for me when I came here - and that I still catch myself thinking this - probably says something.) Writing is something else I'm not allowed to be anything other than embarrassed and scared to show people. I must not, under any circumstances, think any work I have done myself is good. Knitting? 'Eh, it's just an exericise in following instructions.' Sewing? Same thing. Singing? Fuck off am I allowed to think I'm any shitting good at that. 'I like to think I can hold a tune, but I don't know what I'm doing' is as close as I am allowed to get with singing.
This is... all bollocks too, really. Because fuck it, I *am* good at things. So again, let it be said:
I AM CLEVER. I KNOW I AM CLEVER. VERY CLEVER.
I SEEM TO BE PRETTY GOOD AT SEWING AND KNITTING AND STUFF COMPARED TO MOST PEOPLE, AT LEAST.
I LIKE MY SINGING VOICE. I THINK IT IS PRETTY DAMN GOOD, AND I LOVE SINGING, BUT I AM AFRAID OF DOING IT IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE IN CASE THEY DON'T AGREE, AND THEN I WOULD FEEL LIKE SHIT AND NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO DO IT AGAIN.
I THINK THAT I AM GOOD AT WRITING. I, uh, I... can't do this in capitals. It's too scary. Because I'm so scared of people thinking the stuff I write is crap, even though *I* enjoy reading what I've written, oh Jesus I'm an arogant cow. Talk about masturbatory. BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT FUCK OFF NOW THANK YOU
And... despise me if you will. Uh. Crying now.
SO. Um. There's all that shite. And then there's the other side of the coin: I am afraid of failing at things. Because if I try something, and turn out not to be very good at it, then people will think that I see myself as better at it than I really am. And that is arrogant and deluded, and then they will despise me. Oh yeah, also: I TAKE PRIDE IN THINKING I KNOW MYSELF WELL. Which... doesn't help my confidence much I guess, 'cause I end up looking at all the negatives.
... Drifted off-topic there a bit. So I am deathly afraid of trying new things, in case I fail at them. I'm used to being good at things, or at least, not bad. Failing in front of other people terrifies me. So I laugh and put myself down a lot, and do silly things, to make people think I don't mind looking a fool, and don't take myself too SRSLY. Because then, if/when I fail, they won't think I was overestimating my ability, they'll just go 'Yay, Ellie is not afraid to make a tit of herself even though she knows she is, yay Ellie.' Right? Uh. It seems to work. But it... isn't exactly healthy. I don't *like* looking silly. I'm *not* that kind of extrovert in most moods. Sure, I like being in touch with my inner child and doing silly things just because they're fun. If it's overtly silly, that's fine. Just... looking silly while actually trying to do something is terrifying. Take ICE. I tried it, but I had a miserable time because I was so afraid of people thinking I was completely unfunny that I *was* completely unfunny, and then I felt like shit.
And then... those two sides of the coin work together, to mix my metaphors, and result in a sort of... enforced mediocrity. Confidence is somehow unseemly in me, even though someone who complains about being rubbish is much more annoying than a confident person. I am not allowed to let myself be openly good at things, because that is showing off and arrogant. But I am not allowed to be bad at them either, because that's... well, failure. So I've learnt to try and be OK at things. Not good, not bad. Just OK, above average but not remarkable, and I must absolutely not take any pride at all in being above average. If at all possible I must doubt my abilities completely.
Which is... actually kind of tragic, I think. Because... this is an Honesty Poast (TM). And I am not 'OK' at lots of things. I could... I could be fucking fantastic at a number of things if I were allowed to be and worked at it. I have so much fucking potential. So much talent. So many sodding gifts that lots of people would give their eye-teeth for, and I'm not allowed to make the most of them and let them shine. I'm not allowed to let the world know that, or admit that I know it myself. And that's... that's criminal.
Sometimes I think my life is a lie that I keep telling so that people won't hate me for being an obnoxious little cow.
But it's holding me back, and I know it is. I don't know what to do about it. But maybe posting this in all its bare-faced honesty will help. Maybe. I don't know. I'm scared.
But, you know, despise me if you will. Just... please tell me if you do. I don't want to annoy people. And then I can, um, lie a bit more around you so that I don't.