One Shot
Title: Finding Her Way Back
Author: Loopyem89
Rating: PG
Pairing: Jane/ Maura (Rizzoli & Isles)
Category: Drama/Romance
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. No infringement intended and no profit will be made from their use.
Summary: Just a little one shot i came up with, starts angsty but ends well i promise =)
Finding her way back
Maura pulled the coat tighter around her body as she felt the frosty air bite. The snow had stopped hours before but remnants remained on the streets and she took cautious steps upon exiting her car and heading towards her home. She abruptly stopped in her tracks when she looked up and noticed the lone figure of the woman who had constantly occupied her thoughts for the past two years huddled up in the cold, sitting in front of her door. It seemed as though she had not yet noticed Maura approaching and so the doctor took a moment to take in her appearance making sure that it truly was real and not just her mind playing cruel tricks.
“Jane?”
A head popped up and Maura felt her breath hitch and her heartbeat increase as the familiar trademark Rizzoli smile she never thought she would see again, appeared on the woman’s face.
“Hey Maura.” As their eyes locked with one another, a silence settled over them, neither unsure of what to say.
Maura, ever the doctor, noticed the redness of Jane’s nose and the shiver that went through her body.
“You look freezing. How long have you been sitting out here?”
“Couple of hours I guess. I came in a taxi and when I realised you weren’t here I resigned myself to waiting.”
“You shouldn’t expose yourself to the cold too long Jane, you’re at increased risk from hypothermia, and you could make yourself sick.” The detective let out a chuckle to herself; she knew it had been a stupid idea but the overwhelming desire to see the other woman had compelled her to stay.
“I don’t care, I wanted to see you.”
Maura was unsure of what to do, a number of emotions coursed through her as she recalled memories of the past.
“It’s been two years Jane.”
“I know…I don’t expect you to welcome me with open arms but please can we at least go inside and talk?”
“Ok.” Maura said nothing else; instead she brushed passed her former lover as she removed her keys to open the door. All the while, her mind was replaying the painful moment from her past when she had watched Jane leave and never look back.
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“Jane please can’t we just talk about this.”
“There’s nothing left to talk about Maura, I’m trying to do the right thing for both of us so please just let me do what I have to do.”
Tears began to fall down the doctor’s face as she watched the detective pack up the few belongings that had previously taken up residence in her home. She knew something was up as soon she noticed the look on Jane’s face when she appeared on her doorstep earlier in the night. But of all the things that could have been wrong, Maura never imagined it would be Jane coming to tell her that it was over just like that, after almost a year together.
Whatever the reason for the decision, Maura knew she couldn’t just let Jane walk out of the door without saying something.
“I don’t understand, why are you doing this? I thought you loved me.”
“Just because two people love one another doesn’t mean they are meant to be together.” She continued collecting her things without once looking at the other woman standing in the room but after a moment of silence she stopped what she was doing and let out a sigh.
“I do love you Maura, don’t ever doubt that but it’s for this very reason that I’m letting you go.”
Maura’s temper flared a little, “This doesn’t make any sense Jane, there’s more to it then what you’re telling me. Does it have something to do with the shooting?”
“Can’t you just accept the possibility that this isn’t meant to be? All rational and logical thinking is telling me that this is a bad idea; that it won’t work out and it will end with us hating one another. I don’t want that. I rather we end it now with good memories rather then with tainted ones full of anger and regret.”
“So what that’s it? You’re just going to walk away?”
At that moment Jane looked up for the first time and the tears in her eyes couldn’t go un-noticed.
“Yeah I’m going to walk away, just know that I am truly sorry; I never wanted to hurt you. Ever. Go live your life Maura and be happy” And with that Jane grabbed the bag she had been packing and hurriedly left the apartment and out of Maura’s life.
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And walk away Jane did, not only did she leave Maura, she left her job, her family, her whole life in Boston. Now seeing the detective standing in her apartment again brought back all the pain she had felt that night and the months that followed, yet as much as she wanted to be angry, Maura was also unable to quell the feeling of happiness that came from seeing her former lover once again.
“Where did you go?”
Jane hesitantly stepped further into the room, her hands deep in her pockets as she tried to calm the nerves from within.
“New Orleans. I laid low for a couple months before quietly transferring out of Boston homicide to go work for the local police department. Being a cop was the only thing I knew how to do and it made me realise that at least a part of me was still there, that I hadn’t changed completely following the shooting.”
Maura moved to sit on the sofa, gesturing for Jane to do the same. At one time they would have been inseparable as they sat together, now there was an obvious distance as Jane settled down on the opposite side.
“I heard you called off the engagement.” Maura was momentarily taken aback, surprised to know that Jane had been following what was going on in her life.
“Yes I did, Michael was a good man but it was never meant to be. Within social circles we would have been the perfect husband and wife, nonetheless I couldn’t marry someone I didn’t love, and it wouldn’t have been fair to him or me.”
Jane took a glance around the living room, noticing it looked pretty much the same as when she was last there. A feeling of familiarity washed over her and she took some comfort in it as all the lines she had rehearsed to say were simply forgotten. Maura for her part was glad to see the detective in person but there were questions that needed to be answered and so she turned the conversation back to the woman sitting in front of her.
“Why did you leave? And this time I want the truth.”
Jane was unsure of how to begin; she leaned forward and grasped her hands together as she tried to think of the right words.
“Maura I was telling you the truth when I said I was doing it out of love for you. After the shooting everything changed, I wasn’t the same individual you fell in love in with, hell even I no longer recognised the person I had become. I was lost, drifting away and there were days when I just wanted it all to be over.”
Jane stumbled over her words, finding it hard to express what she was unable to say at that time. But then she felt Maura’s hand entwine with own, encouraging her to continue.
“I know that pulling that trigger was the right thing to do, it saved both you and Frankie. That was all I cared about in that moment and if I were to find myself in the same situation, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. But as much as I was glad to see you alive when I awoke in the hospital and saw you there, it also broke my heart. To put it simply, you looked sad and frightened and I was the one who had caused it.”
“That wasn’t your fault though; you risked your own life to save mine. Yes I was frightened at the thought of losing you but that didn’t mean I would blame you.”
Jane let out a sigh as she turned towards Maura with unshed tears in her eyes, “I blamed myself, I hated the fact I had made you feel that way and then to make things worse you had then had to help me while I recovered.”
Maura was about to say something but the detective stopped her from interrupting. “I know that you wanted to look after me but it was the fact that I had put you in that position to begin with. I became angry with myself, depressed and withdrawn but instead of dealing with it I tried to ignore it by pretending everything was normal as always.”
The reaction to brush away Jane’s tears was automatic and they both smiled at one another when Maura did so.
“So you walked away because you didn’t want to deal with it all.”
“In part yes…I also didn’t want to hurt you anymore, seeing the way you were in hospital made me realise I couldn’t guarantee the situation would never happen again. I put my life on the line each day I went out with my badge and gun and became Detective Rizzoli. Not only that, I didn’t want to run the risk of putting you in harm’s way because of some psycho like Charles Hoyt’s obsession with me. I refused to put you through any of that again and so I did what I thought was best and walked away.”
Maura stood, letting go of Jane’s hand and moving to stand next to the window. She gazed out at the snow covered streets as she tried to digest the words she had heard. A few tears silently fell down her face.
“Seeing you in the hospital looking so weak did frighten and upset me Jane, I didn’t want to lose you but then you chose to leave me and that hurt more then anything else. I knew the risks of your job before I got involved but I chose to ignore them for the simple fact that my love for you meant more.”
Her words became a whisper as she lowered her head and buried it in her hands. Jane upon witnessing this came up from behind and pulled her in close, wrapping her arms tightly around the smaller women as they both let their tears fall. Being in the detective’s arms again felt so right to Maura as she buried her head into the crook of Jane’s neck.
“I am truly sorry Maura, at that moment in time leaving honestly seemed like the right thing to do. If I could turn the clock back and change what happened then I would but truthfully I thought you deserved better then what I could ever give and so I chose to let you go”
Maura looked up and stared into familiar brown orbs, “Who were you to decide what was best for me?”
Jane stepped back and it was now her turn to gaze out of the window as she contemplated her response.
“I don’t have an answer to that; all I can say is that I wasn’t the same person then as I am now.”
“And who are you now?”
The detective slowly turned around to look directly back at Maura, “I’m me again… I am the Jane Rizzoli who used to annoy you by using Bass as a footstool, who used to constantly complain as I watched you try on every pair of designer shoes in the store.”
She moved closer and put a hand up to cup the side of Maura face, “I’m the Jane Rizzoli who realised what it truly felt like to be in love with someone when I was lying in bed with you peacefully sleeping in my arms.”
Jane used her thumb to wipe away the tears that were slowly falling down Maura’s cheeks, they stood there gazing at one another, both afraid that if either of them moved the significance of the moment would be lost.
“I don’t know what to say Jane.”
All the detective could think about was how easy it would be for her to just lean in and capture the other woman’s lips but then she also knew she had relinquished that right two years ago. Instead she moved and placed a tender kiss upon the blonde’s forehead.
“You don’t have to say anything Maura, just know that I’m sorry and I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me.” With that she turned around and made her way out of the house.
Maura remained rooted to the spot, slightly dazed. It wasn’t until she felt the cold rush of air and the soft click of the door closing that she noticed the brunette detective was no longer standing in front of her. Although she had not been there long, Maura felt the absence of the women straight away and it hurt then just as much as it did two years ago when she saw the same thing happen. In that moment she knew what she wanted, her mind probably having been made up as soon as she saw the detective sitting on her doorstep.
Forgetting her coat, she rushed out of the apartment and desperately struggled to remain upright as she ran down her snow covered driveway and out onto the street where she saw a retreating form heading into the night.”
“Jane!” Her cry went unheard and so with more force she tried once again and this time she saw the woman turn and quickly make her way towards her.
“Maura, what are you doing! Go back inside.”
“No Jane, you can’t show up on my doorstep like that and then disappear. I won’t stand by and watch you walk away from me again for a second time.”
“Please Maura; you’re going to freeze out here.” The detective let out a sigh of frustration, she had forgotten how stubborn the doctor could be, it was a quality that she had loved and it served her former lover well on many a occasion.
“Just answer one question for me. What changed, what made you come back?” Jane stood with her eyes fixed upon the woman before her. Maura Isles, the only person who had ever fully understood the burdens of her job, which lingered around during the day and then haunted her dreams at night. The woman, who in matter of months of meeting had become her best friend, her lover and ultimately her save haven. In the end she didn’t even need to think before giving an answer, deep down she knew why she had returned.”
“You Maura, you’re the reason I came back.”
As tears stung at her eyes, she stepped forward, unsure of what to do but wanting nothing more then to take the doctor into her arms.
“I was happy to forget about everything, move on in order for you to get on with your life and be happy. But then I realised that I couldn’t do that, not without seeing you one last time. So I came up with this crazy idea of driving all the way to Boston in the middle of winter where I eventually end up in front of your doorstep freezing my ass off. And as I sit there thinking about how I’m going to try and give us both the closure we need, I look up instead to see your face and in that moment I realise I will never get over you…”
Maura stood, arms by her side, gazing at the detective as the snow began to lightly fall around her. There was no use in trying to deny it, she knew deep within that she would never get over Jane. It was the very reason she had called of her engagement, she could not marry Michael when her heart belonged to the women currently standing before her.
“Maura… say something, if not please go back inside.” She didn’t need to say anything, for once she decided to forgo all the rationalizations in her head, instead deciding for once to just live.
Maura moved towards the detective, bringing a hand up, she cupped the back of her love’s neck and pulled her down to meet her lips as the snow continued to fall around them. Jane, although thoroughly shocked to begin with, was quick to respond as the realisation of what was happening sunk in. She held Maura tighter and slowly directed the kiss to deepen, to which the doctor readily accepted. As oxygen became a necessity, both let out a small whimper when they broke apart. Still wrapped in the detective’s arms, Maura looked up into the eyes of the woman she loved.
“Jane you mean more to me then anyone I have ever known, please don’t ever walk away and leave me again. I don’t think I would be able to cope.”
“You don’t have to worry Maura; I realised what a mistake that was and I promise I’ll never leave you again, you have my word. I believe in us, this is all that matters, so to hell with everything else.” She gave her a soft gentle kiss before leading them back inside, out the cold winter night.
A few hours later as Jane lay in bed holding Maura in her arms, watching her peacefully sleep; she finally felt the darkness and pain of the past two years disappear. And although they both still had a lot to talk about, she knew they would be okay because at last, she was exactly where she should be. As her eyes fluttered shut a small sigh of contentment fell from her lips.
She had finally found her way back home….