(no subject)
for everyone today i talked to, im sorry i wasnt really sounding myself today. i just havent been feeling 100% latly, and it hit me today. i realized that all that has happened has put a huge burden on my shoulders, and nothing has really gotten solved. so i guess today was the day that i sorted it out, not everything, but the things that have been on my mind, things that i can solve myself. so what i came to was that i either need to let go, or wait. i havent figured out which one yet. but i do know i have been heartbroken. and now i know what it feels like. and i really dont like it, i threw away things that ment the most to me, and i dont think i will ever get the chance to have them again. then theres the fact of how stupid i was and all the disaster that came with that. i was reading "the perks of being a wallflower" and it hit me, highschool isnt for playing it safe, its for experimenting. with everything. its for holding nothing behind you, for believing that what you are going to do will be alright, or not knowing what will happen if you go somewhere with someone, or do something somewhere. its all just a game to be played, never knowing what to expect. and for some reason, i have been playing it safe. now im not saying im going to go out and do stupid things all the time now. im just saying that i need to live. i havent lived life since i was a kid, i miss that. i havent had the strength to do something that i dont know the outcome of. ive been so wraped up in a shell that i miss out on things that could be wonderful. im too scared to live without knowing. im too scared to say, what the hell, and go with it. i have been living so that i hurt the least possible people, but now i see that people get hurt, i will get hurt, but without any of that what will happen, ill jsut be sitting in my room with no devisation, no knowledge of what im missing.
i went on a walk today to finish up some thinking. sat in the park for awhile with my dog, just watching her, seeing how careless she was, chasing after birds, running in circles, just, living. then i made my rounds to my old school. sat there a bit remembering all the old memories. at that point i began to cry. not only because i miss those days, but because i know that during that time, i still didnt know how to live, i was still in that shell preventing me to live. i couldnt take it anymore, so i started on my way home. this is where everything really hit me. i saw a little girl, the cutest thing ever. she asked if she could pet lucy. i told her "of course" and she began asking questions about her. i answered them, and was on my way. a bit later, i hear a tiny voice, "excuse me, can i walk with you and lucy?" i turned around to the little girl on her bike. "of course" i told her, and we walked. we walked around the park for a bit, and made our way to a drinking fountain where i figured lucy was thursty so i cup some water in my hands for her. the little girl continued with her questions. and i continued to answer them. soon after, she left, and i was left there almost in tears. she was exactly what i wanted to become. she was the walking image of the person i have been searcing for, not afraid of just walking up to someone and making a new friend. this may sound cheesy, but i truly believe that she is an angel. i havent been on the whole god stuff these past few months, maybe i jsut needed a break. but i guess what im saying is that even though i shut god out for a couple months, he was there for me today, in a way that i will never forget. that little girl was just one of the tiny things that made me smile. she was the first smile brought to my face today.
this probobly makes no sence to you at all, but those of you who know what im talking about, thank you for listening. thank you for just being there. it means a lot to me.
i went on a walk today to finish up some thinking. sat in the park for awhile with my dog, just watching her, seeing how careless she was, chasing after birds, running in circles, just, living. then i made my rounds to my old school. sat there a bit remembering all the old memories. at that point i began to cry. not only because i miss those days, but because i know that during that time, i still didnt know how to live, i was still in that shell preventing me to live. i couldnt take it anymore, so i started on my way home. this is where everything really hit me. i saw a little girl, the cutest thing ever. she asked if she could pet lucy. i told her "of course" and she began asking questions about her. i answered them, and was on my way. a bit later, i hear a tiny voice, "excuse me, can i walk with you and lucy?" i turned around to the little girl on her bike. "of course" i told her, and we walked. we walked around the park for a bit, and made our way to a drinking fountain where i figured lucy was thursty so i cup some water in my hands for her. the little girl continued with her questions. and i continued to answer them. soon after, she left, and i was left there almost in tears. she was exactly what i wanted to become. she was the walking image of the person i have been searcing for, not afraid of just walking up to someone and making a new friend. this may sound cheesy, but i truly believe that she is an angel. i havent been on the whole god stuff these past few months, maybe i jsut needed a break. but i guess what im saying is that even though i shut god out for a couple months, he was there for me today, in a way that i will never forget. that little girl was just one of the tiny things that made me smile. she was the first smile brought to my face today.
this probobly makes no sence to you at all, but those of you who know what im talking about, thank you for listening. thank you for just being there. it means a lot to me.