this is definitely post worthy :)
When Pearlyn first approached me to do the next writeup for the series, I jumped in without thinking, enthusiastically letting my heart led in the decision. I was all riled up over sharing the South American journey I will be embarking two months from now. I thought, piece of cake to just share my thoughts and dreams, isn’t it? And then I realised - hell no!! Ironically, I have been procrastinating and delaying writing this article thereafter. I always couldn’t find “a good time”, didn’t have “the feel” or simply did not know where to start. And I had endless “should I do in the morning or night” or “how should I start and end the article” or “what if I have a mental block”…yader yader…Until today. Today, I decided, ok enough. Stop wussing out let’s get started! So here I am. And co-incidentally (or otherwise), the above paragraph sums up how I came to my decision of quitting my job (my boss has very kindly offered me a gap year instead so I am very grateful) and travelling through South America next year - implusive, passionate, but not without a fair deal of mental agony and self torture :P
Hello! My name is Jane and that was a pretty apt introduction of who I am. I’m known as “The Crazy Girl” to some friends and “The Queen of Hypothetical Situations” to others (no prizes for guessing why). I’ve always loved performance arts since young - I remembered I had my first singing performance when I was 5 years old and my then-teacher commented that I had the natural flair of performance, an open book when it comes to expressions. I was in the school choir pretty much all of school life (I only stopped singing when I started a career that required me to fly regularly at 23) and singing is naturally in my blood. When I was 13 and first got introduced to Shakespeare in my English Literature class, my love for theatre blossomed and I decided to break away from the norm and went to the only Junior College then that offered Theatre Studies and Drama as an examination subject 4 years down the road. My parents, friends and teachers couldn’t comprehend why I was willing to travel for at least 1.5 hours to get to school (and back) everyday (I was from River Valley High, located in the West Coast of Singapore and Victoria Junior College was all the way at the East), how I was willing to go to a new environment where I had no friends to begin with (my friends obviously went to nearer colleges) and how I came to my decision. On my end, I did not know why it was so perplexing for them; I went with my heart, and that was reason enough. That little voice inside always has the answer.
The next two years was amazing. I was a full-time theatre student, part-time singer, and zero-time college student. I spent all my time in the studios, rehearsing scripts, analysing plays, thinking of directional actions, how I should design my stage and work my lights/sounds. Otherwise I will be burying my face in musical scores, attempting to sight-read, trying to be pitch-perfect and understanding the nuances to what make the pieces so beautiful. I found my first love in musical theatres and excelled performing roles that were expressive, diva-ish and strong. I was carefree, curious and lived each day with wide-eyed wonderment. The sense of naivety was beautiful and I lived each day feeling alive. And thanks to teenage angst, the emotional roller coaster of joys, pain, excitement and disappointment has been nothing less than intense. I wouldn’t have done it any other way.
I’ve always had a jarring curiosity for understanding people too. When I read scripts, I always asked myself reasons for the characters’ actions and what went on in his/her minds. What motivated him/her to do what he/she did. When I interacted with people, I try (sometimes too hard) to read the motives behind people’s actions. Whenever I meet people who are vastly different
from me be it in terms of cultures, backgrounds and social makeups, I get an overwhelming desire to understand their lives and understand their come-froms. I have always believed that people function the way they do for a reason and understanding why they do what they do is an important role we should play. When my family wanted me to take a respectable regular desk-bound job at a government agency (I reckon dream come true for many Singaporeans) during school holidays, I swear they were devastated when I excitedly took on a bartendering/waitressing job at a café cum bar instead. My come-from was simple - I wanted to meet people from everywhere. That’s exciting. Where’s the fun talking to a boring black box (as all computer monitors used to be)?
When I was 18, I remembered I had a crazy idealistic concept of forming a global village. I thought it will be a really cool social experiment to bring together a group of children from every continent in this world, bring them up without preconceived notions of social/cultural discrimination and have each individual be brought up as an equal. I truly believe in the concept of being a global citizen and that to me, was a great way to eradicate discrimination and conflicts of any sense. Of course, my friends thought the idealism got the better of me, again
While I had endless dreams and visions of the world I wanted to create and work towards, I think at some point in time, I begun selling myself out. I basically, started giving in to societal pressures and ended taking the path of the “Singaporean Dream”. As much as I was grateful for the education I received in high school, the beliefs of the Chinese school I attended was never about attaining dreams - it was about being a great moral citizen, and putting the community and family before self. Even though I was largely a moderated rebel in school, the teaching did make me feel guilty when I have these crazy dreams. I thought I was being really selfish to have a different mindset or opinion of what I want to do.
To add, I also grew up in a very humble traditional Chinese home. We stayed in a very modest 3-room flat when I was young, I walked to school every day and caning was a norm both at home and in school. We made do with little, but I was never deprived. My Mom was both a paternal and maternal figure, doing the best she could to bring my brother and me up in my father’s absence (he was hardly home). That being said, it also made me realised how hard she had been working to pay the bills and bring us up, and the least I could do is to be sensible in my life choices.
My brother was a brilliant musician since young. I remember when I was 14, he had a huge argument with my Mom as he wanted to go to the UK to study music for his degree. My Mom flatly rejected, because we obviously did not have the money even if it meant a scholarship was in place. And she got so angry with my brother because I think she felt he was just insensible wanting to pursue something that “did not make money or sense”. That night, I think my brother’s heart was broken. And I learnt a big lesson. Do not do crazy things or suggest crazy dreams that requires money from Mummy. Because everyone gets heartbroken. If I want to do crazy things, I better moderate with sense so no one gets hurt. So from them, the belief in moderated dreams started. And it was also then, that I unconsciously started selling myself out.
As such it came as a surprise to many that right after my passionate time in Junior College, I opted for a Business Degree in NTU instead - well, I told myself the it’s time to moderate the fun and get real with life. I need a decent degree. However, I refused to let go of my loves, I was still singing, both in choirs and jam bands, was acting, both semi-professionally and for schools. My time was stretched but it made me alive. I refuse to give up my loves and dreams.
When I started work, the first few being in a bank, I got MASSIVELY bored being desk bound. Sure I was good at my job because it was people-oriented and I earned a decent amount, but it was not enough to keep the curious wide-eyed wanderluster locked in place for long. When the chance came for me to globe-trot with Singapore Airlines as an air stewardess, I jumped at the chance. After all, I took off for Europe after my Mom handed me my savings account passbook after graduating from university and told me to “manage my own funds”. I only came back 5kgs lighter and looking like a malnourished happy kid after I depleted every single cent off my bank account. My Mom thought I was nuts, but it was evident that she has started accepting me for who I am. So when I decided to join the airlines, she hardly bat an eyelid and was the most chilled out parent ever. In my entire flying career, she has never asked me once for my roster or my destinations. Some people will think that she is uncaring however I think that’s just her coping mechanism.
It was a wonderful 4 years as I travelled, explored and experienced life as I never had. And it seemed perfect then - I managed to reach moderation, no? Here I was, earning a decent amount, I could still help pay for the household bills, I could save and I could travel! And I even gave myself a new goal: once I saved $100k, I will quit flying and study musical theatre. Everything seems perfect.
Just that on the day I reached $100k of savings, I did not quit to study musical theatre. I quit and went to a ground job. I chickened out. I sold out.
I sold out because I told myself I’m too old for this shit. I sold out because I told myself that I should stop being idealistic and get real with things. I sold out because I thought I could save the money and go get a nice swanky apartment instead. I sold out because I did not want to leave my parents behind in Singapore because my brother was already overseas. I sold out because I was scared. I sold out because I lost faith in myself and I did not think I could do it anymore.
I told myself that my desire for the unfulfilled dream will go away as I grow older. After all, I was nearing my big 3, had a relationship and the only logical thing to do was to settle down and lead the Singaporean life that everyone else was having. I felt like I should stop sticking out like sore thumb and just make life easier for myself. That I should not waste anymore time hallucinating dreams that were far-fetched. So I trapped myself in the Singaporean Dream, most willingly and obligingly, by myself. I bought a modest car, I got myself a horde of designer bags and watches. I was on my way to saving up for a nice condominium. It seemed great, I was finally on par with my white-collared peers, working in professional jobs that allowed them a more than comfortable life. I did not fail. I was doing my parents proud.
Just that while all that was happening, my dreams did not die. They were stubbornly persisting, as stubbornly as I was resisting them.
What a futile struggle.
The thing is, I am great at moderation. I justified my Singaporean Dream by being in jobs that I had interest in. The last job I held was doing Learning and Development for a well-known banking corporation and I excelled being a facilitator. I loved it because I know I have a flair with people. Furthermore, I specialise in soft skills, leadership, EQ and customer service training and I revel in the belief that I am living my vision by developing my colleagues to their fullest potentials. To me, I am doing my bit towards my dream of being a global citizen. I’m propagating the importance of love, acceptance, harmony and self worth. And in a sense, it was a reminder to myself time and again that this is the life I want to live, a life of love, acceptance and freedom.
However like what I’ve mentioned, we can never ignore that little voice deep within us. I keep hearing my heart telling me I wanted more. This is not enough. I wanted more. I want to break free.
A great catalyst that propelled me to action was when I made a trip to Germany to visit my college friend in April this year. We grew up with similar backgrounds, went to the same schools and went down the same societal route. She too, had a dream of leaving the country. And so she did, after much struggle, and was in London for barely a year before she met her German then-boyfriend, fell in love, got married and moved to Germany for good. And that’s when I realised that breaking free from chains, without fearing the “what-ifs” and what I will lose out, is my ultimate challenge. I felt like I have been pushed to the edge of the cliff after all these years, and my choice was simply, to jump or stay stationery. There was no other way.
So I embarked on my grand mission to leave, to venture, to explore. I had a zillion and one conversations obviously - I’m now even much OLDER for this, given that I’m in my 30s, what will happen to my parents, will my grandmother miss me, what will my colleagues and friends think, what if I waste more time….the questions never end. I even tried justifying my “gap year” trying to take a Master’s program oversea instead (so that I have “gained’ something concrete after a year). However, I’m extremely lucky to have childhood friends who can call my bluff almost immediately and gave me the ultimate shelling in the harshest, most brutal manner (thank you @pamelyn chee). That shook me out of my cowardice. I want to run free.
And so I decided to quit my job and go to South America. Why South America? Because I’ve never been there and I’ve always wanted to be there. I always have a hunch that I’ll LOVE the place, people, culture, attitudes and vibe to bits.
Of course life is not a bed of roses, I faced resistance, the biggest one from my traditional father who thought that I was the most unfilial child on Earth to give up a comfortable salary, a life of stability to venture into the world of unknown (it doesn’t help that SA is known for it’s crimes). My mother and brother, although accepting, are obviously worried too. Truth be told, I am torn. I feel extremely guilty for being the free-spirit I am on some days, and for not being the daughter/sister my parents/brother would have loved for me to be. That I had to be such a trouble and a worry to them. I’ve lived half of my life tormented by this conflict day in day out. But like what I’ve said, I’ve come to the end of the cliff. I either jump or I bury myself deeper into my hole. Just last weekend, I had a massive fallout with my father for my decision and I felt like the biggest bitch for creating discord and unhappiness in my family. I hated myself for my selfishness. But for the first time in my life, I decided: so be it. Let me be selfish. Let me be me. I have finally accepted myself for who I am. And I can only hope my family, especially my father, will one day accept me for who I am too.
For now, I want to fly. No more clipped wings. I want to be the global citizen I am and fulfil my global dream. To learn about cultures. To form connections. To live amongst others. To promote peace and acceptance. To learn new dances. To sing my heart out. To live a life that I never dared to dream. To quit the “Singaporean Dream”.
Of course I’m sure there will be days where I’ll be scared but as what my dance teacher @karen lacey always squeaks at me (when I’m in the middle of dance routines) “Don’t be afraid! Go for it! When you finally do it then it wouldn’t be scary anymore!” I will only experience new levels when I conquer my fears. Thank you Karen for your weekly reminders - it has created a big impact in me.
So here’s my story. Go with our hearts. We only live once. Let’s live a damn good one.
#whatsyourstory?
Hello! My name is Jane and that was a pretty apt introduction of who I am. I’m known as “The Crazy Girl” to some friends and “The Queen of Hypothetical Situations” to others (no prizes for guessing why). I’ve always loved performance arts since young - I remembered I had my first singing performance when I was 5 years old and my then-teacher commented that I had the natural flair of performance, an open book when it comes to expressions. I was in the school choir pretty much all of school life (I only stopped singing when I started a career that required me to fly regularly at 23) and singing is naturally in my blood. When I was 13 and first got introduced to Shakespeare in my English Literature class, my love for theatre blossomed and I decided to break away from the norm and went to the only Junior College then that offered Theatre Studies and Drama as an examination subject 4 years down the road. My parents, friends and teachers couldn’t comprehend why I was willing to travel for at least 1.5 hours to get to school (and back) everyday (I was from River Valley High, located in the West Coast of Singapore and Victoria Junior College was all the way at the East), how I was willing to go to a new environment where I had no friends to begin with (my friends obviously went to nearer colleges) and how I came to my decision. On my end, I did not know why it was so perplexing for them; I went with my heart, and that was reason enough. That little voice inside always has the answer.
The next two years was amazing. I was a full-time theatre student, part-time singer, and zero-time college student. I spent all my time in the studios, rehearsing scripts, analysing plays, thinking of directional actions, how I should design my stage and work my lights/sounds. Otherwise I will be burying my face in musical scores, attempting to sight-read, trying to be pitch-perfect and understanding the nuances to what make the pieces so beautiful. I found my first love in musical theatres and excelled performing roles that were expressive, diva-ish and strong. I was carefree, curious and lived each day with wide-eyed wonderment. The sense of naivety was beautiful and I lived each day feeling alive. And thanks to teenage angst, the emotional roller coaster of joys, pain, excitement and disappointment has been nothing less than intense. I wouldn’t have done it any other way.
I’ve always had a jarring curiosity for understanding people too. When I read scripts, I always asked myself reasons for the characters’ actions and what went on in his/her minds. What motivated him/her to do what he/she did. When I interacted with people, I try (sometimes too hard) to read the motives behind people’s actions. Whenever I meet people who are vastly different
from me be it in terms of cultures, backgrounds and social makeups, I get an overwhelming desire to understand their lives and understand their come-froms. I have always believed that people function the way they do for a reason and understanding why they do what they do is an important role we should play. When my family wanted me to take a respectable regular desk-bound job at a government agency (I reckon dream come true for many Singaporeans) during school holidays, I swear they were devastated when I excitedly took on a bartendering/waitressing job at a café cum bar instead. My come-from was simple - I wanted to meet people from everywhere. That’s exciting. Where’s the fun talking to a boring black box (as all computer monitors used to be)?
When I was 18, I remembered I had a crazy idealistic concept of forming a global village. I thought it will be a really cool social experiment to bring together a group of children from every continent in this world, bring them up without preconceived notions of social/cultural discrimination and have each individual be brought up as an equal. I truly believe in the concept of being a global citizen and that to me, was a great way to eradicate discrimination and conflicts of any sense. Of course, my friends thought the idealism got the better of me, again
While I had endless dreams and visions of the world I wanted to create and work towards, I think at some point in time, I begun selling myself out. I basically, started giving in to societal pressures and ended taking the path of the “Singaporean Dream”. As much as I was grateful for the education I received in high school, the beliefs of the Chinese school I attended was never about attaining dreams - it was about being a great moral citizen, and putting the community and family before self. Even though I was largely a moderated rebel in school, the teaching did make me feel guilty when I have these crazy dreams. I thought I was being really selfish to have a different mindset or opinion of what I want to do.
To add, I also grew up in a very humble traditional Chinese home. We stayed in a very modest 3-room flat when I was young, I walked to school every day and caning was a norm both at home and in school. We made do with little, but I was never deprived. My Mom was both a paternal and maternal figure, doing the best she could to bring my brother and me up in my father’s absence (he was hardly home). That being said, it also made me realised how hard she had been working to pay the bills and bring us up, and the least I could do is to be sensible in my life choices.
My brother was a brilliant musician since young. I remember when I was 14, he had a huge argument with my Mom as he wanted to go to the UK to study music for his degree. My Mom flatly rejected, because we obviously did not have the money even if it meant a scholarship was in place. And she got so angry with my brother because I think she felt he was just insensible wanting to pursue something that “did not make money or sense”. That night, I think my brother’s heart was broken. And I learnt a big lesson. Do not do crazy things or suggest crazy dreams that requires money from Mummy. Because everyone gets heartbroken. If I want to do crazy things, I better moderate with sense so no one gets hurt. So from them, the belief in moderated dreams started. And it was also then, that I unconsciously started selling myself out.
As such it came as a surprise to many that right after my passionate time in Junior College, I opted for a Business Degree in NTU instead - well, I told myself the it’s time to moderate the fun and get real with life. I need a decent degree. However, I refused to let go of my loves, I was still singing, both in choirs and jam bands, was acting, both semi-professionally and for schools. My time was stretched but it made me alive. I refuse to give up my loves and dreams.
When I started work, the first few being in a bank, I got MASSIVELY bored being desk bound. Sure I was good at my job because it was people-oriented and I earned a decent amount, but it was not enough to keep the curious wide-eyed wanderluster locked in place for long. When the chance came for me to globe-trot with Singapore Airlines as an air stewardess, I jumped at the chance. After all, I took off for Europe after my Mom handed me my savings account passbook after graduating from university and told me to “manage my own funds”. I only came back 5kgs lighter and looking like a malnourished happy kid after I depleted every single cent off my bank account. My Mom thought I was nuts, but it was evident that she has started accepting me for who I am. So when I decided to join the airlines, she hardly bat an eyelid and was the most chilled out parent ever. In my entire flying career, she has never asked me once for my roster or my destinations. Some people will think that she is uncaring however I think that’s just her coping mechanism.
It was a wonderful 4 years as I travelled, explored and experienced life as I never had. And it seemed perfect then - I managed to reach moderation, no? Here I was, earning a decent amount, I could still help pay for the household bills, I could save and I could travel! And I even gave myself a new goal: once I saved $100k, I will quit flying and study musical theatre. Everything seems perfect.
Just that on the day I reached $100k of savings, I did not quit to study musical theatre. I quit and went to a ground job. I chickened out. I sold out.
I sold out because I told myself I’m too old for this shit. I sold out because I told myself that I should stop being idealistic and get real with things. I sold out because I thought I could save the money and go get a nice swanky apartment instead. I sold out because I did not want to leave my parents behind in Singapore because my brother was already overseas. I sold out because I was scared. I sold out because I lost faith in myself and I did not think I could do it anymore.
I told myself that my desire for the unfulfilled dream will go away as I grow older. After all, I was nearing my big 3, had a relationship and the only logical thing to do was to settle down and lead the Singaporean life that everyone else was having. I felt like I should stop sticking out like sore thumb and just make life easier for myself. That I should not waste anymore time hallucinating dreams that were far-fetched. So I trapped myself in the Singaporean Dream, most willingly and obligingly, by myself. I bought a modest car, I got myself a horde of designer bags and watches. I was on my way to saving up for a nice condominium. It seemed great, I was finally on par with my white-collared peers, working in professional jobs that allowed them a more than comfortable life. I did not fail. I was doing my parents proud.
Just that while all that was happening, my dreams did not die. They were stubbornly persisting, as stubbornly as I was resisting them.
What a futile struggle.
The thing is, I am great at moderation. I justified my Singaporean Dream by being in jobs that I had interest in. The last job I held was doing Learning and Development for a well-known banking corporation and I excelled being a facilitator. I loved it because I know I have a flair with people. Furthermore, I specialise in soft skills, leadership, EQ and customer service training and I revel in the belief that I am living my vision by developing my colleagues to their fullest potentials. To me, I am doing my bit towards my dream of being a global citizen. I’m propagating the importance of love, acceptance, harmony and self worth. And in a sense, it was a reminder to myself time and again that this is the life I want to live, a life of love, acceptance and freedom.
However like what I’ve mentioned, we can never ignore that little voice deep within us. I keep hearing my heart telling me I wanted more. This is not enough. I wanted more. I want to break free.
A great catalyst that propelled me to action was when I made a trip to Germany to visit my college friend in April this year. We grew up with similar backgrounds, went to the same schools and went down the same societal route. She too, had a dream of leaving the country. And so she did, after much struggle, and was in London for barely a year before she met her German then-boyfriend, fell in love, got married and moved to Germany for good. And that’s when I realised that breaking free from chains, without fearing the “what-ifs” and what I will lose out, is my ultimate challenge. I felt like I have been pushed to the edge of the cliff after all these years, and my choice was simply, to jump or stay stationery. There was no other way.
So I embarked on my grand mission to leave, to venture, to explore. I had a zillion and one conversations obviously - I’m now even much OLDER for this, given that I’m in my 30s, what will happen to my parents, will my grandmother miss me, what will my colleagues and friends think, what if I waste more time….the questions never end. I even tried justifying my “gap year” trying to take a Master’s program oversea instead (so that I have “gained’ something concrete after a year). However, I’m extremely lucky to have childhood friends who can call my bluff almost immediately and gave me the ultimate shelling in the harshest, most brutal manner (thank you @pamelyn chee). That shook me out of my cowardice. I want to run free.
And so I decided to quit my job and go to South America. Why South America? Because I’ve never been there and I’ve always wanted to be there. I always have a hunch that I’ll LOVE the place, people, culture, attitudes and vibe to bits.
Of course life is not a bed of roses, I faced resistance, the biggest one from my traditional father who thought that I was the most unfilial child on Earth to give up a comfortable salary, a life of stability to venture into the world of unknown (it doesn’t help that SA is known for it’s crimes). My mother and brother, although accepting, are obviously worried too. Truth be told, I am torn. I feel extremely guilty for being the free-spirit I am on some days, and for not being the daughter/sister my parents/brother would have loved for me to be. That I had to be such a trouble and a worry to them. I’ve lived half of my life tormented by this conflict day in day out. But like what I’ve said, I’ve come to the end of the cliff. I either jump or I bury myself deeper into my hole. Just last weekend, I had a massive fallout with my father for my decision and I felt like the biggest bitch for creating discord and unhappiness in my family. I hated myself for my selfishness. But for the first time in my life, I decided: so be it. Let me be selfish. Let me be me. I have finally accepted myself for who I am. And I can only hope my family, especially my father, will one day accept me for who I am too.
For now, I want to fly. No more clipped wings. I want to be the global citizen I am and fulfil my global dream. To learn about cultures. To form connections. To live amongst others. To promote peace and acceptance. To learn new dances. To sing my heart out. To live a life that I never dared to dream. To quit the “Singaporean Dream”.
Of course I’m sure there will be days where I’ll be scared but as what my dance teacher @karen lacey always squeaks at me (when I’m in the middle of dance routines) “Don’t be afraid! Go for it! When you finally do it then it wouldn’t be scary anymore!” I will only experience new levels when I conquer my fears. Thank you Karen for your weekly reminders - it has created a big impact in me.
So here’s my story. Go with our hearts. We only live once. Let’s live a damn good one.
#whatsyourstory?